(no subject)
So a friend of mine IMed me a few months ago, we dont hangout anymore because he doesnt go to URI anymore but he told me he still thinks of me as one of his best friends which made me feel really great especialy since he IMed me for help... He wanted to talk to me about my past issues with coke because he think he might be having problems with pills, he wanted to know how to stop and not feel like he needs them anymore, Thats one of the hardest questions to answer because some days youll be ok and not think about it but then there are days that youll never forget the feeling it gave you. We'll we talked for a while and i let him know he can im me call me text me anytime he wants to talk, i think i may of helped him a bit because all you really need is support and someone to be there for you when you make it to the other side. Now we support each other and it feels good to talk about this sorta thing and finally having someone who understands and knowing that maybe my addiction happened for a reason, now i can help other people instead of remembering the people i gave coke too...
Now I have a friend shooting up OC's. Shooting up is so serious and when i was sitting in his room and watched him put the belt around his arm and tap the needle it was so hard to just sit there and let him do it, but theres not much i can do. I know hes careful about it but hes so smart and so important to me i just dont want to see him get himself into trouble again or worse, die. It's scarey and we've talked about it and he stoped it for a week and says hes craving it and "one more time isnt that bad" Yes it is, but i feel so hypocritical telling him that since ive said it so many times before. It'll only make it harder to quit, but hes convinced that its all about his tolerance and one more time wont matter, but its not the tolerance, its the feeling the drug gives you and doing it one more time you get reminded of that feeling and then youll want it, well another one more time until everytime is one more time. I guess my friend started seeing that i was talking about my self and started telling me i just have to forget about it, but he doesnt realize you dont forget you just have to learn to ignore it and eventualy get used to not doing it. Its sorta depressing to think about that you have to deal with this struggle everyday of your life because the though will always be in the back of your mind and quick easy solution, but its never that easy and its never one more time and its not a solution it not only hurts you but the people around you, I cant make him stop but I will be his friend when everyone else bails Ive been there when my friends bailed on me because of drugs and support and friendship is so important, but in the end he wont be able to quit until he wants to i just hope it wont be to late at that point... Hes trying, and backing away from the people that put him in this situation to do drugs but now that hes doing it with out them and alone he should realize its getting more serious, just like when i continued to do coke after i ran away from mike, I just hate how much i worry about him one air bubble in that needle he could die, and i dont know what i would do if that happens, id blame myself for not being a better friend and not helping him like he helped me, he was there for me to get me through my withdrawal and make me feel better about all these memories with mike and told me exactly what i needed to hear to get me through it and i still need him around to make me feel safe and make me feel like i dont need coke. But thats me being selfish, Hes got so much potential i just wish he could see that and i wish that hed stop shooting up and he wouldnt act so dead all the time hes not the same when hes numb but i guess i should be glad that he trusts me enough to have me in the room while he does it and tells me when hes doing it, I'd rather know then him hide it at least i feel like im helping either that or i feel like im supporting him putting that needle in his arm, i really hope he doesnt do it "one more time"
ugh
with all this going on its hard for me to celebrate my acceptance to NYIT for Computer graphics starting in the fall of '09 goodbye URI hello NYIT and im really excited about that it took them 10 minutes to read my transcript and tell me congrats lol and then they gave me a scolarship and if i do well this semester, and get my gpa from a 2.8 to a 3.8 i can get even more money, and because of this scolarship i might be able to get a Mac book to help me with my computer graphics, and maybe even a "new" used car :) which will kinda be my first car since the car i have now is just erins old one.. NYIT seems like they will take almost all my credits or find a way to take as many as they can, i still may have to do an extra year but im ok with that becaue im sooo not ready for the real world, i mean with all the shit that ive gone through and have to deal with now i dont want to know what the future has in store for me, hopefully itll be fucking good to me because im so exhausted from everything thats happened in the past couple years...
Now I have a friend shooting up OC's. Shooting up is so serious and when i was sitting in his room and watched him put the belt around his arm and tap the needle it was so hard to just sit there and let him do it, but theres not much i can do. I know hes careful about it but hes so smart and so important to me i just dont want to see him get himself into trouble again or worse, die. It's scarey and we've talked about it and he stoped it for a week and says hes craving it and "one more time isnt that bad" Yes it is, but i feel so hypocritical telling him that since ive said it so many times before. It'll only make it harder to quit, but hes convinced that its all about his tolerance and one more time wont matter, but its not the tolerance, its the feeling the drug gives you and doing it one more time you get reminded of that feeling and then youll want it, well another one more time until everytime is one more time. I guess my friend started seeing that i was talking about my self and started telling me i just have to forget about it, but he doesnt realize you dont forget you just have to learn to ignore it and eventualy get used to not doing it. Its sorta depressing to think about that you have to deal with this struggle everyday of your life because the though will always be in the back of your mind and quick easy solution, but its never that easy and its never one more time and its not a solution it not only hurts you but the people around you, I cant make him stop but I will be his friend when everyone else bails Ive been there when my friends bailed on me because of drugs and support and friendship is so important, but in the end he wont be able to quit until he wants to i just hope it wont be to late at that point... Hes trying, and backing away from the people that put him in this situation to do drugs but now that hes doing it with out them and alone he should realize its getting more serious, just like when i continued to do coke after i ran away from mike, I just hate how much i worry about him one air bubble in that needle he could die, and i dont know what i would do if that happens, id blame myself for not being a better friend and not helping him like he helped me, he was there for me to get me through my withdrawal and make me feel better about all these memories with mike and told me exactly what i needed to hear to get me through it and i still need him around to make me feel safe and make me feel like i dont need coke. But thats me being selfish, Hes got so much potential i just wish he could see that and i wish that hed stop shooting up and he wouldnt act so dead all the time hes not the same when hes numb but i guess i should be glad that he trusts me enough to have me in the room while he does it and tells me when hes doing it, I'd rather know then him hide it at least i feel like im helping either that or i feel like im supporting him putting that needle in his arm, i really hope he doesnt do it "one more time"
ugh
with all this going on its hard for me to celebrate my acceptance to NYIT for Computer graphics starting in the fall of '09 goodbye URI hello NYIT and im really excited about that it took them 10 minutes to read my transcript and tell me congrats lol and then they gave me a scolarship and if i do well this semester, and get my gpa from a 2.8 to a 3.8 i can get even more money, and because of this scolarship i might be able to get a Mac book to help me with my computer graphics, and maybe even a "new" used car :) which will kinda be my first car since the car i have now is just erins old one.. NYIT seems like they will take almost all my credits or find a way to take as many as they can, i still may have to do an extra year but im ok with that becaue im sooo not ready for the real world, i mean with all the shit that ive gone through and have to deal with now i dont want to know what the future has in store for me, hopefully itll be fucking good to me because im so exhausted from everything thats happened in the past couple years...