(no subject)
im serious about writing, but i cant sit and do it, id blame that on my add but i think its also i dont wanna think to deeply about this shit, but i really would love to write more. ive got a few pages that i went over and actually wrote well, and several pages of ideas and notes that are all choppy and full of run on sentences. i just found out some news that i need to write about, but im still in the past, or begining stages in my book i suppose well see where it goes from here...
ill put alittle bit of it in here not that anyone reads lj anymore lol but i guess its semi public yet i know no one is actually reading it so here we go...
begining:
"I used to believe that everything happened for a reason. Whether, it’s good or bad life has a plan mapped out for you. I lived my life in a young, happy, carefree fashion. I guess you could say I lived in a “bubble”, where only good things were allowed in and all the bad things were blocked. I never watched the news and I never read the newspaper. I felt that there were too many depressing stories and incidences going on in the world and if I ignored them, then they didn’t really exist. That’s how I lived my life; if I ignored anything that could potentially hurt me, then it wasn’t real, and I was “safe”. It may sound ridiculous, but for most of my life it worked. It was my senior year of high school that everything changed and my childish mind blinded me from who he truly was."
and the end of what ive written so far, theres alot of pages in between these two excerpts:
"After awhile I had enough of Mike yelling at me. I tried to yell back, but when I did he would make me cry. I tried to stand up to him again, this time I hit him when he mentioned my Grandma. I learned that trying to protect myself from Mike was a big mistake. Mike told me that no one stands up to him in a disrespectful manor. He hit me back, and threatened to stab me again. This happened a lot, almost every time I saw him. I thought it was safer to not say or do anything at all Mike was going to do whatever he wanted anyway, and if I let him it probably wouldn’t hurt as bad. I try to search for a reason, but I can’t figure out what I did to deserve this. I relive these moments in my head and part of me still believes that I deserved all of this. Everything was my fault, and Mike did no wrong. The other part of me knows that Mike is a terrible person and I did nothing to deserve this. If everything happens for a reason, then what is the reason for being abused? It’s hard for me to describe how I felt, even how I feel today. I am still confused and lost about the entire situation. I don’t understand most of it, or why it happened to me. I’m not sure I’ll ever get passed the fact that I let someone control me and abuse me. I let Mike do this to me. I barely attempted to stop it before giving up. I surrendered to hands, and to his words, he made me worthless. I miss the girl I used to be and I hope someday to be like her again only less naïve, less innocent and more aware of the horrible things around me. It’s very difficult for me to give another person all my trust. I may open up slightly, but you’ll never truly understand how I feel or what goes on in my head. I try to ignore the bad things, like I used to but it only leaves this huge mess of unresolved issues that all track back to one person… Mike. Until I can accept what I’ve been through, and even forgive Mike for what he’s done, a part of me will always be living in the past. Unfortunately, I don’t think I could ever forgive him and I don’t think I can ever accept anything he’s done to me. He destroyed me, and I am still trying to rebuild myself. I feel fake now, and I’m trying to be someone I’m not. My confidence is fake, and I build this tough exterior so that people will think that I don’t give a fuck, and I will hurt you if you fuck with me. I’m scared of meeting another Mike, and I’m scared of getting to close to someone so they can hurt me the same way he did. I have a million thoughts and memories that run through my mind everyday, but no one knows. Many people have forgotten or don’t understand how bad things truly were. I feel like know one believes me when I tell them the things Mike said or did. Maybe if I flat out said I was abused, my friends would get the message. I don’t like thinking about it in that way. I try to convince myself I am just over reacting and things weren’t as bad as I’m saying. I wish so badly I was making all of this up, or that it was one bad dream. I tried to pull away from Mike, but he always managed to find where I was. He’d show up everywhere. He even tried to hit me with his car a few times. Mike knows what goes on in my head. I don’t need to tell him anything he can read my mind. Mike would have Eric call me to tell me that the boy who haunts my dreams is with him. Mike was right. He does haunt my dreams."
ok so yeah my mom asked me if ive ever done coke today? wtf. i said no cause i wasnt ready to have to defend myself to her judgemental personality but i kinda wish i could say yes so maybe she can shut the hell up about meaningless shit and maybe treat me as if i am an adult and i am smart enough to make my own choices instead of this young dumb sheltered child who does understand the seriousness of anythng
boy she doesnt know me at alll kinda sad, but i dont really care anymore
oh and i think im going blonde...
ill put alittle bit of it in here not that anyone reads lj anymore lol but i guess its semi public yet i know no one is actually reading it so here we go...
begining:
"I used to believe that everything happened for a reason. Whether, it’s good or bad life has a plan mapped out for you. I lived my life in a young, happy, carefree fashion. I guess you could say I lived in a “bubble”, where only good things were allowed in and all the bad things were blocked. I never watched the news and I never read the newspaper. I felt that there were too many depressing stories and incidences going on in the world and if I ignored them, then they didn’t really exist. That’s how I lived my life; if I ignored anything that could potentially hurt me, then it wasn’t real, and I was “safe”. It may sound ridiculous, but for most of my life it worked. It was my senior year of high school that everything changed and my childish mind blinded me from who he truly was."
and the end of what ive written so far, theres alot of pages in between these two excerpts:
"After awhile I had enough of Mike yelling at me. I tried to yell back, but when I did he would make me cry. I tried to stand up to him again, this time I hit him when he mentioned my Grandma. I learned that trying to protect myself from Mike was a big mistake. Mike told me that no one stands up to him in a disrespectful manor. He hit me back, and threatened to stab me again. This happened a lot, almost every time I saw him. I thought it was safer to not say or do anything at all Mike was going to do whatever he wanted anyway, and if I let him it probably wouldn’t hurt as bad. I try to search for a reason, but I can’t figure out what I did to deserve this. I relive these moments in my head and part of me still believes that I deserved all of this. Everything was my fault, and Mike did no wrong. The other part of me knows that Mike is a terrible person and I did nothing to deserve this. If everything happens for a reason, then what is the reason for being abused? It’s hard for me to describe how I felt, even how I feel today. I am still confused and lost about the entire situation. I don’t understand most of it, or why it happened to me. I’m not sure I’ll ever get passed the fact that I let someone control me and abuse me. I let Mike do this to me. I barely attempted to stop it before giving up. I surrendered to hands, and to his words, he made me worthless. I miss the girl I used to be and I hope someday to be like her again only less naïve, less innocent and more aware of the horrible things around me. It’s very difficult for me to give another person all my trust. I may open up slightly, but you’ll never truly understand how I feel or what goes on in my head. I try to ignore the bad things, like I used to but it only leaves this huge mess of unresolved issues that all track back to one person… Mike. Until I can accept what I’ve been through, and even forgive Mike for what he’s done, a part of me will always be living in the past. Unfortunately, I don’t think I could ever forgive him and I don’t think I can ever accept anything he’s done to me. He destroyed me, and I am still trying to rebuild myself. I feel fake now, and I’m trying to be someone I’m not. My confidence is fake, and I build this tough exterior so that people will think that I don’t give a fuck, and I will hurt you if you fuck with me. I’m scared of meeting another Mike, and I’m scared of getting to close to someone so they can hurt me the same way he did. I have a million thoughts and memories that run through my mind everyday, but no one knows. Many people have forgotten or don’t understand how bad things truly were. I feel like know one believes me when I tell them the things Mike said or did. Maybe if I flat out said I was abused, my friends would get the message. I don’t like thinking about it in that way. I try to convince myself I am just over reacting and things weren’t as bad as I’m saying. I wish so badly I was making all of this up, or that it was one bad dream. I tried to pull away from Mike, but he always managed to find where I was. He’d show up everywhere. He even tried to hit me with his car a few times. Mike knows what goes on in my head. I don’t need to tell him anything he can read my mind. Mike would have Eric call me to tell me that the boy who haunts my dreams is with him. Mike was right. He does haunt my dreams."
ok so yeah my mom asked me if ive ever done coke today? wtf. i said no cause i wasnt ready to have to defend myself to her judgemental personality but i kinda wish i could say yes so maybe she can shut the hell up about meaningless shit and maybe treat me as if i am an adult and i am smart enough to make my own choices instead of this young dumb sheltered child who does understand the seriousness of anythng
boy she doesnt know me at alll kinda sad, but i dont really care anymore
oh and i think im going blonde...