Random Ramblings
So I am sitting here, my last Friday night before I leave for London, in my pajamas at 8:54 PM. Alone. In the dark computer room.
Alone isn't really accurate. My grandparents currently reside in the guestroom, right next to this room. For the sake of this entry though, I am alone. Mostly because I can't hold a conversation with them. They can't even remember my real name. Like so much of my family, it is just awkward silence because we have nothing in common to discuss.
I don't want to sound like I am complaining though. My family has been this way ever since I could remember. Family dinners were filled with forced "How was your day?"'s and constant bickering about who wasn't sitting up straight, eating correctly, talking enough, being nice enough, doing well enough in school, trying hard enough at soccer, displaying a pleasant attitude, etc. The list could go on forever. Why, just this past week there was a rather awkward fight about who wasn't helping correctly and who wasn't flipping the pancakes correctly. It's a "sad" way of life, but it is what it is nonetheless
I am terrified. Nobody can really ease this feeling. I am so scared that I will end up like this for the rest of my life. I don't want to be part of a distant family in the future. But to some extent, we are all destined to be more or less like our parents.
That is to say, if I ever even get married. Assuming I do though, who's to say I won't screw it up? Or worse- screw up the members of my family.
Maybe it is just better to be alone than to drag others down with you?
Except I have never been one to be alone. I like to believe there is a Prince Charming for every Cinderella, a Luke for every Lorelai (which I constantly relate myself to. Then I discovered 'Lorelai' originates from a German poem about a beautiful lady who lures sailors into fog, towards their death. Which, oddly enough, is an accurate description of my personality. My mother officially gave me the wrong name... ha).
I just wish it was about 3 months from now. June will be a good month. No more school. I will be 18. Probably working 2 jobs. Keeping busy and making money before college.
Hopefully less confused and scared about everything. Although to be honest, I doubt that will happen anytime soon. I mean- I have fallen back to livejournal due to the emptiness of my house and current lack of ears to listen. Nobody in my house is exactly a terrific listener anyway.
I hate the heartless, empty bitch that I have become. I really do nnot care about anything right now. I don't care about school at all (which will get me in trouble later tonight when my mom finds out I didn't work the soccer concession like I was supposed to for my sports marketing class), I am about to quit my job because I can't stand it anymore, I feel like my family is more distant than ever (probably because I am never home- which is my fault. Although I don't like being home. I guess it's a double edge sword).
I need a home away from home. A chance to start over. Be a completely new person, with new people, things and places in my life. I want to grow up and on to bigger, better things.
I am so ready for this chapter of my life to just be over already. I want to be the person I once was- or the person that I am destined by God to be. Anyone but who I am now...
This random entry would help fuel the argument that I am "messed up", "psycho", or "depressed". I would like to think I am none of the above, but we are all blind to our own shortcomings. Maybe I really am these things?
Gilmore Girls time. Maybe I will go somewhere. The river or the pool or something. Although I am not sure either place at 9:12 PM is completely safe. Oh well though.
Alone isn't really accurate. My grandparents currently reside in the guestroom, right next to this room. For the sake of this entry though, I am alone. Mostly because I can't hold a conversation with them. They can't even remember my real name. Like so much of my family, it is just awkward silence because we have nothing in common to discuss.
I don't want to sound like I am complaining though. My family has been this way ever since I could remember. Family dinners were filled with forced "How was your day?"'s and constant bickering about who wasn't sitting up straight, eating correctly, talking enough, being nice enough, doing well enough in school, trying hard enough at soccer, displaying a pleasant attitude, etc. The list could go on forever. Why, just this past week there was a rather awkward fight about who wasn't helping correctly and who wasn't flipping the pancakes correctly. It's a "sad" way of life, but it is what it is nonetheless
I am terrified. Nobody can really ease this feeling. I am so scared that I will end up like this for the rest of my life. I don't want to be part of a distant family in the future. But to some extent, we are all destined to be more or less like our parents.
That is to say, if I ever even get married. Assuming I do though, who's to say I won't screw it up? Or worse- screw up the members of my family.
Maybe it is just better to be alone than to drag others down with you?
Except I have never been one to be alone. I like to believe there is a Prince Charming for every Cinderella, a Luke for every Lorelai (which I constantly relate myself to. Then I discovered 'Lorelai' originates from a German poem about a beautiful lady who lures sailors into fog, towards their death. Which, oddly enough, is an accurate description of my personality. My mother officially gave me the wrong name... ha).
I just wish it was about 3 months from now. June will be a good month. No more school. I will be 18. Probably working 2 jobs. Keeping busy and making money before college.
Hopefully less confused and scared about everything. Although to be honest, I doubt that will happen anytime soon. I mean- I have fallen back to livejournal due to the emptiness of my house and current lack of ears to listen. Nobody in my house is exactly a terrific listener anyway.
I hate the heartless, empty bitch that I have become. I really do nnot care about anything right now. I don't care about school at all (which will get me in trouble later tonight when my mom finds out I didn't work the soccer concession like I was supposed to for my sports marketing class), I am about to quit my job because I can't stand it anymore, I feel like my family is more distant than ever (probably because I am never home- which is my fault. Although I don't like being home. I guess it's a double edge sword).
I need a home away from home. A chance to start over. Be a completely new person, with new people, things and places in my life. I want to grow up and on to bigger, better things.
I am so ready for this chapter of my life to just be over already. I want to be the person I once was- or the person that I am destined by God to be. Anyone but who I am now...
This random entry would help fuel the argument that I am "messed up", "psycho", or "depressed". I would like to think I am none of the above, but we are all blind to our own shortcomings. Maybe I really am these things?
Gilmore Girls time. Maybe I will go somewhere. The river or the pool or something. Although I am not sure either place at 9:12 PM is completely safe. Oh well though.