(no subject)
I am in a venting mood right now..I guess its time that my past issues are catching up with me..I've been thinking about stuff alot today..I screwed up alot in my life.I wish I could make my past disapear but I cant and I will never be able to.I was messed up in the head.Doing drugs , drinking.having sex with practically anybody..And for what reason I still don't know..Attention maybe..?But why?I got attention as a kid.I was an alcholic in the making..Sneaking out to drink,with men over twice my age..I was actually getting negative attention from men and I percieved it as positive.They were using me..And I guess I was using them for attention.I used to do bad things just so I would get attention from men.Even negative attention that was good enough for me.Why do I crave attention so much..?I just dont get it...But yeah the drugs screwed me up..I did some terrible things.Treated my family with no respect.Took them for granted.And when the time came for me to go into a group home I asked why..?I knew why i was there.I knew the things I was doing were wrong.yet I still asked why..And cryed and said Im sorry(which I really didnt mean) I sad it because I wanted them to let me free so I could ontinue in my spiral downhill..i will tell you when everything changed.When i got pregnant I took a good hard look at myself.And realized that I AM responsible for this child growing inside me.SO I stopped drinking stopped smoking pot.DIdnt do anything else bad after that point.I guess my punishment for all the things that i have done was having my son to early..That was a wakeup call for me.My son could have died.I love him more than anything and that was one of the hardest things I ever went through in my life.Even HARDER than stopping the drinking.I had to watch them torture my tiny son my putting needles in his head and taking his blood every 2 hours.That was hard to watch..I cryed 90% of the time I was down there..But then he was better and I took him home and Realized just how much I took my parents for granted.Being a arent is NOT easy like I thought it would be..I realized that I had to do everything for this child.And I did..Then the biggest wakeup call came on august 14 2003.I almost died.My blood pressure shot up they delivered my other son..Things were so unreal.I can still remember how it felt.I could barely move my arms or legs.I felt like I was going to stop breathing at any time.My dad told me afterwards that he was truly scared I was going to die.He was there with me the whole time.And I relaized how much he loves me and how much HE ALWAYS HAS.Even when he was an alcoholic Iknow he thought about us..Its not easy having a drinking problem..ANd my Mom SHe was always there when we needed her.She still is to this day.SHe has helped me a great deal in the journey into parenthood..I love my parents more than anything, and right now I feel like my family is so spaced.i mean we dont spend as much time together as we should.I remember being a little kid and my family was so close.ANd now we rarely get together even for holidays.I miss the connection i once had with my family..
As for other things in my life..My marriage it just seems had disintigrated a long time ago.I know we dont love each other anymore, and havent for a long time.But is it worth it to put our kids through a divorce?I need to do what is best for them..ANd it is a long hard road to heal from a broken marriage.My Parent were divorced when I was young and it was hard.Because i moved back and forth alot.I want my kids to be happy.I will do whatever it takes to sheild them from pain..I have done so since they have been born and I will continue to do so for as long as i need to..I often wonder if mistys life is also Like this.I wonder if her and David are as happy as they seem to be.Because it seems like me and Travis put on a good show in front of our families.But we dont want anyone ot get hurt i guess.Hell I have been sleeping on the couch for over a year nopw.Theere is definately something wrong with that picture.
Now about the rest of my family..The health of alot of people in my family seems to be going downhill.My cousin dustin 16 years old is having some kind of blood problem.His blood levels keep going dangerously low.And they seem like they dont know what is going on with him...Ipray everynight that he will be okay..i grew up with him..My grandfather is still doing well after his stroke but I worry.he is 86 years old.And I am not ready for him to go yet.I havent spent nearly as much time with him as I want to.im just not ready for anyone in my family to go.But i have a feeling it is coming.My grandparents are all very old and none in the best of health..
Now Lets get into the happy things...Like my dreams of being a docotr.ive been thinking about it so much lately.Its going to be so stressful (though my life is already stressful) this will be alot worse.I think im ready though.My mind is in the right place.Im ready to take on a new challenge.And this is a mighty big challnege.But yeah im ready so Im taking the forst few steps.havent really picked out a school yet.Im not sure where I want to go yet.Out of this state though.there is so much more out there.And I feel like i am stuck in thos tiny town..there is nothing here at all..
Okay now I think Im done updating lol..And BTW amber update your damn journal assclown! I need something to read on boring nights such as these..Okay Im out ~lovies~