thoughts and such
I redid my other blogs so that they are on the same account, and have decided that in an effort to make an organization of some of my life I would use this as more of a journal (as the name livejournal indicates), keep the one poetry blog as is, and use the other one more as it was intended in the beginning, to be a place for 'writing' that is not so journal like. If that makes sense.
And I just paused in this typing (for several hours) to read Kevin's Global Misson blog, and wow. I don't really know what to say about it except that I am glad I did and sorry I haven't been keeping up with it, but I will do that now. I won't go into details of my inner turmoils, but I have needed something like that for a while now, something to remind me I'm not all that big a deal, and it's ok.
I know i say things, and then it seems like I'm crying wolf all over again, repeatedly, and I desperately want to be something more than the crazy girl that people feel sorry for, or the one who had so much potential and wasted it on insanity and selfishness. I go in cycles, and I want so badly to break out of them, to be a person, to regain my soul. It just doesn't quite seem fair for God to give me so many gifts and then render me incapable of actually using them.
I have decided to try a 'new' spiritual practice, hopefully it will be useful, and I can maintain it. I bought a plate for candles, for some reason the name of it escapes me at the moment, and several candles of varying sizes and colors (and scents, consequently), to use as a prayer tool. I've never really felt very good at praying, the form prayers that I feel I learned as a kid never seemed helpful, and so I end up 'praying' in a very organic way, basically just addressing God in whatever manner and state I am at the moment. So I wanted to try a more formal type of prayer, see if it would be helpful, since spiritually I have felt rather dry the past several months.
Lastly, I am heading to Katy for the first time in many months so I can then head east with my parents for Thanksgiving. I don't really care for holidays in general, and spending that extra time with family can be stressful, but I have decided I am going to have a positive attitude about this trip of 3 days with my family (but not my sister, she has too much homework so isn't coming, sad day). Maybe it will be ok. As long as no one wants to have a detailed discussion about my future. WHICH is probably inevitable, seeing that I graduate in less than a month. BUT we are going to be positive. It will be fiiiiiiiine. God willing. Please.
And I just paused in this typing (for several hours) to read Kevin's Global Misson blog, and wow. I don't really know what to say about it except that I am glad I did and sorry I haven't been keeping up with it, but I will do that now. I won't go into details of my inner turmoils, but I have needed something like that for a while now, something to remind me I'm not all that big a deal, and it's ok.
I know i say things, and then it seems like I'm crying wolf all over again, repeatedly, and I desperately want to be something more than the crazy girl that people feel sorry for, or the one who had so much potential and wasted it on insanity and selfishness. I go in cycles, and I want so badly to break out of them, to be a person, to regain my soul. It just doesn't quite seem fair for God to give me so many gifts and then render me incapable of actually using them.
I have decided to try a 'new' spiritual practice, hopefully it will be useful, and I can maintain it. I bought a plate for candles, for some reason the name of it escapes me at the moment, and several candles of varying sizes and colors (and scents, consequently), to use as a prayer tool. I've never really felt very good at praying, the form prayers that I feel I learned as a kid never seemed helpful, and so I end up 'praying' in a very organic way, basically just addressing God in whatever manner and state I am at the moment. So I wanted to try a more formal type of prayer, see if it would be helpful, since spiritually I have felt rather dry the past several months.
Lastly, I am heading to Katy for the first time in many months so I can then head east with my parents for Thanksgiving. I don't really care for holidays in general, and spending that extra time with family can be stressful, but I have decided I am going to have a positive attitude about this trip of 3 days with my family (but not my sister, she has too much homework so isn't coming, sad day). Maybe it will be ok. As long as no one wants to have a detailed discussion about my future. WHICH is probably inevitable, seeing that I graduate in less than a month. BUT we are going to be positive. It will be fiiiiiiiine. God willing. Please.