.
I want to be able to finally get this all out there without being scared of your reaction and what you will say, if you even have anything to say about it at all.
where do I even begin?
well maybe I should start off by saying that I don't know how you feel about it, but I did not spend 6 years of my life trying to have some form of relationship with you, friendship or whatever, to have it thrown away, and for what reason? I don't even know. I don't know what your deal is, but this is mine;
I CARE ABOUT YOU, ALOT.
as if you didn't already know that though. I always have and I always will regardless of what becomes of us. it just sucks because I've always stayed. I've always been here, trying to make it work regardless of how you might have treated me in the past. and now I'm just scared because I feel like you're giving up, and that is the LAST thing I want to happen.
I just don't know whether to believe what julia told me, not because I don't believe the things she says, but because I can't believe that YOU would say something like that. if you really did care you wouldn't have laughed that day, & that's why I don't believe the fact that you would have said that you "felt bad" or that you "don't want to be associated with anybody thats mean to me," because if that was the case, you wouldn't have done what you did. And if you do mean what you say, then why did you do it in the first place? And why when I asked you why it's so hard for us to be friends, didn't you respond?
to me, it just seems like you dont care if we remain friends or not. ACTUALLY, let me rephrase that; you make is seem like you don't care if we EVER are friends again. because clearly, we aren't right now.
another thing that was said was that you didn't want to talk to me because you're "afraid we're going to fight." of course we're going to fight kyle, it's YOU & ME we're talking about here. this is how it has been for the past 2 years. we'll become friends, be okay, then fight, & not talk for a couple of weeks/months. & then it'll start all over again. it''s almost inevitable, ALMOST. but it doesn't have to be. & I certainly don't want it to always be like that. but the reason it's like that is because you always make me feel like its my fault, & instead of me crying, I'm mean. I know I am. but it's either be mean, or cry. and I'd rather not cry in front/to you. & me being mean results in you being mean, which results in us fighting. and to top it off, we're both stubborn. so neither of us will apologize. I honestly don't think that even once, that one of us has actually apologized once we became friends again.
but I think that the main reason we fight is because you never tell me how you feel. you can never straight up be like "kelly, listen, I'm feeling like this." & that frustrates me more than anything, because thats all I want from you. I want to know what you're feeling. I NEED to know what you're feeling.
& thats all I'm asking for through all of this. for once, just tell me what you think about me, about this whole thing. just let me know, so I know whether I'm wasting my time still being here or not.
that's all I ask of you.