In the process
"be mysterious sydney"
Let's just recap my hell.
Two weeks ago I was taken to the ER I had a psycotic episode.The episode wasw triggered by my mother. It got werse after she beat me. I went under a 5 hour evauluation. They came up with the conclusion I have depression. I was scheduled for a therepy oppointment. Ive gone twice.
First oppointment. It went well, got to know the women I'm telling my secrets to. Yeah. Secrets. She was friendly. Suggested I have sessions with my mother. After the oppointment I got into the car and my mom harassed me and we both got into a fight. She won't be nice to me no matter what mental state I'm in. And everytime she yells and blames and assumes and names, I cry and it puts me in a worse mental state because she says mean things and threatens to hurt me sometimes.It kills me and makes me hate myself.
Second session which was today. It was okay... I feel liek I can't show any emotion to the women im speaking to. She asked to speak to my mother..my mom was in her office longer than me. I thoguth eevrything was okay. As soon as we shut the door my mom yelled at me again. And it all continued. We fought on the way home and I went to the store with ehr and I was okay. then we got hoem and she ylled at me again. But this time she told me my doctor said some hurtful things about me. And it tore me up from the inside. I don't want to go back and see that lady. When I go again in two weeks I don't think I will speak a word. Besides the fact that I'm selfish. Yeah. My mom has no idea about what I go thru. School..anything.
Nobody really loves me. I think eryn is the only one I have. He's why i'm still here. But tonight.. i almost took a pair of scissors and shoved it through my heart. I wanted to bleed and die. I still kinda do. But I remember that I have him. And I'd never want to make him unhappy by leaving him alone. He has friends...but I mean..I think he likes me as a friend a lot more than other people. Even tho I sound conceded.
Im emotionally immature. Im emotionally damaged.
only this journal cares.
i have a shit laod of homework i havent even started.
<3