(no subject)
i really dont know why i am writing this.. maybe its because i feel if i say these things, the story will somehow end how i wanted it. or maybe its because for the last month, i've found myself thinking about you more than anything. its hard to say what exactly happened with us. we were friends. best of, even. i liked you, you liked me. we took it further. for the time when things were okay, they were the most wonderful times ever.. to me anyway. i dont know what they were to you. i dont know if you made that decision to make up for what happened. i would like to hope that wasnt the reason, and i like to believe at some point you really did love me. but i dont know what's easier to pretend, that you did love me and just stopped, or that you never did. i got to the point where it was easier to just block you from my memory. forget everything we were, from our first conversation as friends to our last goodbye. and for the most part, i did a good job. took you off my buddylist and if someone brought you up, i did the whole "i hate him" routine, but thats all it always was. a routine that i've perfected. because i know no matter how much i wanted to, i could never hate you. even actors need their time to step off the stage. at night, when i didnt have anyone to put on a show for, i would lay in bed and remember. remember the first time you wouldnt let me get off the phone.. the first time you told me you loved me.. holding your hand, and everything. and it just got to a line where i had to make myself stop thinking so i could fall asleep without crying.. i think the reason why us breaking up had such an effect on me is because not only did i lose my boyfriend who i cared about so much.. but i lost one of my really good friends too. you were always here for me, to put a smile on my face. and thats probablly the hardest part. to not have that anymore. i cant bring myself to delete all the convos from my computer, because i know once i do i'll regret it. but its hard to have them cause i know if i do go back and read them, all i want to do is IM you and tell you how much i truely miss you. but i cant bring myself to do it. i dont want you to know how weak i am and how much i need you. because i'm not an idiot. i know you dont care if we never talk again. i know it doesnt bother you that we arent friends anymore. and worst of all, i know that i wasnt half as important to you as you were to me. i just obviously didnt mean that much to you. or else you couldnt be going on as you do. so fine without any thought of me. i know breaking up was the biggest relief for you... i know all of this. and the only thing i can do with all of it, is accept it. there isnt a damn thing i can do to change any of it.. i just wish you knew how much it hurt me. it was more then just a make-up/break-up saga. you have to understand that i was so vunerable to you and looking back, i wish i would've just stayed strong the very first time anything happened. because then we wouldnt be in the mess of nothing we are now. we might still be friends. and that would be okay.. cause then at least i'd still have you in my life. but all i'm left with instead are memories that now i cant even think of without an ache in my heart, knots in my stomach, and tears in my eyes.. i'm not in anyway asking you for a reply full of sentiment. i'm not even asking for a reply at all. because i dont know what i would do with it. i wouldnt have the heart to just delete it without opening it. and i know i sure as hell wouldnt be strong enough to read it. i think i just really needed to get some of that off my chest.. what you do with this is on you. dont read all of it, delete it, read it over and over.. i just dont want to care anymore.