the new "me" that cant sleep;;
So it's past twelve-thirty, right, and I should totally be in bed, so you would think, and yet here I find myself starting my Livejournal account back up? Not that there is anything wrong with me. I'm uploading pictures to m y shutterfly account so i can finally finish the book of London I started... when I first came back from over seas. HA.
I've been doing a lot of fixing myself. After my last post a few months ago stating that I had this 'moment of finding myself' things changed a little, but I soon came to realize its a much slower process then one would like to admit. After much hard work, long thinking sessions, and a few tears I've finally found the motivation to do something about it all.
For some strange reason I find myself cleaning out the crap in my room on an almost daily basis whenever I find the free time. Granted there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, just a strange adjustment for myself. I'm not too used to being a neat freak. Not that I'm anywhere near it... FARM FROM IT actually, but its a step in the better direction.
Along with cleaning up, I'm being more organized in general. I'm studying for school: well, most of the time. I'm keeping school things organized though. And instead of just creating one mess after another I'm putting things away initially in the beginning of a painstaking process. I clean up the dishes after myself instead of just leaving them in the sink.
All this comes due to the fact that I've had one relying problem on my mind: I'm ready to grow up. Now, when I say grow up, I mean in the sense of moving another step further with my life. School ending is at the tip of my fingertips and it feels as though its just out of my reach. I find this utterly frustrating at times, and I can't help but thing "if only this would come faster..." I can't wait for the real job. Making real money. Being able to further myself by paying off old debts ( those god awful credit cards mann) and finally saving for myself. I'm awfully proud of myself now though. I'm able to keep up with my current bills while still having maybe twenty extra bucks. So your saying to yourself like "wow, a whole twenty extra spending bucks" but you know what. Its an accomplishment unto myself.
I'm going to officially start back up at the gym again. I need the energy. Its just an issue trying to find the time. Now, apparently though, my gym is open twenty-four hours, which works if I ever have this case where, "I can't sleep!" which I'm having now. I've already taken my malatonin, and Its starting to kick in, but unfortunately now I'm on a rant and can't seem to take myself away from it. Go figure.
Jessie and I are great. Well, as great as we can be after him moving back into his parent's house. Which is a good thing. He needs to save up money. His dad can help me keep an eye on him with making sure he takes care of things. I am just in this awkward adjustment period. No more sleep overs, doing-it time is posing an issue... in the sense that I dunno when we're actually going to get to "do it," and our over-all sense of privacy is pretty much gone. But like I mentioned early... "adjustment period." And I'm happy to say after the first twenty-four hours, Im still dealing with it.
He jokes around saying things like "don't worry babe, I'm not dumping you until after may, so any problems that come up we're obviously going to work through and solve!" Which is great to hear from him. I'm happy to know he's so optimistic about our relationship standing the test of strain recently put onto it. I am not as negative as he thinks I am. Especially because I don't want to give anyone the benefit of the doubt to being right about how things are going to so drastically change. I'm keeping my head high, because I know there are millions just waiting for me to fall.
Its scary how in a week we've been together for five months. Granted, thats not a whole lot of time. But in the long run its a pretty influential time. We're still learning each other, still figuring out what buttons we can push and how hard to push them, we're still learning how much of each other we can handle before we really need a break. Its an awesome thing, being able to have serious conversations with him at night before we go to sleep. It just sucks that these conversations will always be on the phone now, instead of in person, in bed, in each-other's arms.
But enough of that sappiness. I'll save that for my own good time. Back to cleaning up. I found my old diary/journal deal. I love how I write in it every time I do a clean sweep and kind of update myself of how life has been. I do love rereading old entries though. Sometimes it makes me think of how stupid I could have been to write some of the things I did, and at other times it helps me relive awesome memories. It brings me back to that awkward time in high school where I wrote within this journal almost every day. I felt good, felt alive, to bring my works out in print. Putting the thoughts that ran through my mind somewhere were someone else had the possibility of reading it, no matter who they were, was an amazing factor for me. Even if no-one ever reads this thing again, (except I know you will Ms. Rachel!) i feel a sense of security in making my thoughts known. If that sounds weird, it's because it most likely is. But I can conquer a weirdness with the fact that, once your thoughts are officially in print, it makes them real. Once they're real people can take you seriously, for your thoughts fuel your dreams, and your dreams are you success. For every success you create, you guarantee yourself that much more happiness throughout your life time. Even if a success is as simple as eating a new food, making it to the gym three times a week, or helping a total stranger with a mindless task; it gets you somewhere. And that somewhere, I've decided, is where I want to be.
G'night to all you suckers out there. Suckers who read into my thoughts, and try to understand my mind.
Hell, then at least one of us would understand. HA.
♥
EDIT: I just reread some entries to this journal. I must admit, it's amazing how negative of a person I really was on the inside when I was alone. Its a scary thought that from meeting Jessie I changed myself around. I'm more positive. Its scary;; that falling in love with someone can change you, and the way you think, THAT much.
♥
I've been doing a lot of fixing myself. After my last post a few months ago stating that I had this 'moment of finding myself' things changed a little, but I soon came to realize its a much slower process then one would like to admit. After much hard work, long thinking sessions, and a few tears I've finally found the motivation to do something about it all.
For some strange reason I find myself cleaning out the crap in my room on an almost daily basis whenever I find the free time. Granted there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, just a strange adjustment for myself. I'm not too used to being a neat freak. Not that I'm anywhere near it... FARM FROM IT actually, but its a step in the better direction.
Along with cleaning up, I'm being more organized in general. I'm studying for school: well, most of the time. I'm keeping school things organized though. And instead of just creating one mess after another I'm putting things away initially in the beginning of a painstaking process. I clean up the dishes after myself instead of just leaving them in the sink.
All this comes due to the fact that I've had one relying problem on my mind: I'm ready to grow up. Now, when I say grow up, I mean in the sense of moving another step further with my life. School ending is at the tip of my fingertips and it feels as though its just out of my reach. I find this utterly frustrating at times, and I can't help but thing "if only this would come faster..." I can't wait for the real job. Making real money. Being able to further myself by paying off old debts ( those god awful credit cards mann) and finally saving for myself. I'm awfully proud of myself now though. I'm able to keep up with my current bills while still having maybe twenty extra bucks. So your saying to yourself like "wow, a whole twenty extra spending bucks" but you know what. Its an accomplishment unto myself.
I'm going to officially start back up at the gym again. I need the energy. Its just an issue trying to find the time. Now, apparently though, my gym is open twenty-four hours, which works if I ever have this case where, "I can't sleep!" which I'm having now. I've already taken my malatonin, and Its starting to kick in, but unfortunately now I'm on a rant and can't seem to take myself away from it. Go figure.
Jessie and I are great. Well, as great as we can be after him moving back into his parent's house. Which is a good thing. He needs to save up money. His dad can help me keep an eye on him with making sure he takes care of things. I am just in this awkward adjustment period. No more sleep overs, doing-it time is posing an issue... in the sense that I dunno when we're actually going to get to "do it," and our over-all sense of privacy is pretty much gone. But like I mentioned early... "adjustment period." And I'm happy to say after the first twenty-four hours, Im still dealing with it.
He jokes around saying things like "don't worry babe, I'm not dumping you until after may, so any problems that come up we're obviously going to work through and solve!" Which is great to hear from him. I'm happy to know he's so optimistic about our relationship standing the test of strain recently put onto it. I am not as negative as he thinks I am. Especially because I don't want to give anyone the benefit of the doubt to being right about how things are going to so drastically change. I'm keeping my head high, because I know there are millions just waiting for me to fall.
Its scary how in a week we've been together for five months. Granted, thats not a whole lot of time. But in the long run its a pretty influential time. We're still learning each other, still figuring out what buttons we can push and how hard to push them, we're still learning how much of each other we can handle before we really need a break. Its an awesome thing, being able to have serious conversations with him at night before we go to sleep. It just sucks that these conversations will always be on the phone now, instead of in person, in bed, in each-other's arms.
But enough of that sappiness. I'll save that for my own good time. Back to cleaning up. I found my old diary/journal deal. I love how I write in it every time I do a clean sweep and kind of update myself of how life has been. I do love rereading old entries though. Sometimes it makes me think of how stupid I could have been to write some of the things I did, and at other times it helps me relive awesome memories. It brings me back to that awkward time in high school where I wrote within this journal almost every day. I felt good, felt alive, to bring my works out in print. Putting the thoughts that ran through my mind somewhere were someone else had the possibility of reading it, no matter who they were, was an amazing factor for me. Even if no-one ever reads this thing again, (except I know you will Ms. Rachel!) i feel a sense of security in making my thoughts known. If that sounds weird, it's because it most likely is. But I can conquer a weirdness with the fact that, once your thoughts are officially in print, it makes them real. Once they're real people can take you seriously, for your thoughts fuel your dreams, and your dreams are you success. For every success you create, you guarantee yourself that much more happiness throughout your life time. Even if a success is as simple as eating a new food, making it to the gym three times a week, or helping a total stranger with a mindless task; it gets you somewhere. And that somewhere, I've decided, is where I want to be.
G'night to all you suckers out there. Suckers who read into my thoughts, and try to understand my mind.
Hell, then at least one of us would understand. HA.
♥
EDIT: I just reread some entries to this journal. I must admit, it's amazing how negative of a person I really was on the inside when I was alone. Its a scary thought that from meeting Jessie I changed myself around. I'm more positive. Its scary;; that falling in love with someone can change you, and the way you think, THAT much.
♥