Life now. 12.06.16
it's a Tuesday afternoon I'm at work I've got an hour and a half to go. Feeling down lately about my job, my boyfriend, my appearance, my life in general. Well let's begin by saying my job is boring there's not much about it that excites me I wish I had a better paying job with a day less and more benefits I make $410.00 a week here and I can barely make ends meet every month I live paycheck to paycheck so it's not ideal. Now I have a boyfriend that I'm with for almost 3 years now 2 years and 10 months now every day is a challenge he lives in Elizabeth ,nj and I in queens , ny. So distance is somewhat of an issue but we've made it somehow work I see him a day and a half a week and sometimes once during the week I have severe trust issues when it comes to men nothing exactly happened to me but I've seen it happen to others and seen it in my father growing up and a couple things my boyfriend has done in the little time we've been together hasn't helped my cause I always feel the need to call because I miss him, I distrust him, and I feel that if I call him enough it doesn't give him the chance to think about being or meeting another woman. I know it isn't healthy and although I know this I don't change he constantly tells me I'm annoying , that I need to change, that I'm too needy but he doesn't need someone like that and that has lowered my esteem because he makes me feel like I'm a nuisance to him. which in turn makes me feel like why does he want to be with me when he always says these things to me makes me feel worthless and he doesn't talk to me too nicely sometimes. some of the things I like about him he can be very nice he helps me with my phone bill and he's quite smart but at the same time I don't feel emotionally supported by him and sometimes I feel alone in the relationship it feels like a dictatorship sometimes telling me how I should say things, how I should wear my hair , what I should do in order for us to have sex, how involved I should get when he and whoever he's having a verbal banter with that I have to get involved or else I'm "not" supportive. it can be exhausting at times being with him so we'll see how things go. I hate my appearance my weight for one. got to go.