(no subject)
I know I'm a horrible livejournal person. I'm like never on anymore. But the thing is, most of the people on my friend's list are people I see all the time anyway so it's like what's the use. But I've finally gotten bored enough and pissed off enough. Apparently venting to anybody who'll listen isn't helping. Before this year a lot of things used to help but I don't know what will anymore.
I don't have any exciting stories to tell. Just the small fact that I've completely fucked up my life. It's like not even humane how much I've fucked up my life. I'm not gonna say the whole long story because you will be asleep by the end and pretty much yelling at your computer screen at my stupidity. The basics are that I got in over my head ever since the beginning of 2007. I got caught up with a guy that I thought would make me happy but in a whole week of craziness, when we finally met, things were so awkward we both realized that it wouldn't work. So I got really confused because I didn't know what I wanted and all that crap that wasn't exactly pleasant. Then not even a week later I meet this other guy that seemed really awesome and funny and just plain crazy like me. Well, that didn't turn out very well. So now as a result I lost him AND my best friend (don't ask). And NOW I have to fix this whole mess with someone else. Yes, things got very complicated in a matter of months and I hate it. Ever since all this stuff has been happening, I've been thinking "This isn't me, this isn't right, I feel bad." But stupid me can't listen to myself anymore. NOOO that'd be too difficult. It's come to a point where I'm blaming myself for everything that's happened. I could have just avoided this whole thing if I'd just stuck with my feelings for someone and not let myself be influenced just because other people found my weaknesses.
People keep telling me to calm down, to just chill out. But they don't understand it's not that simple. I can't just suddenly calm down and start thinking things through logically. I have no self-esteem. I still think people are talking behind my back. And meanwhile, people keep getting more and more on my nerves and it's the people that I thought would be there for me. But it turns out they're not and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm completely powerless to the fate that I chose to follow. Being powerless is the worst feeling in the world. You don't know what's going on, you don't know what people are thinking, and you don't know what's going to happen to you. I can't function if I don't feel like I have some sort of idea of what's going to happen. If I have some sort of clue, I can prepare myself for it and think up ways to get myself out of certain situations and think of ways not to make myself seem bitchy or stupid. But I can't do that anymore. I started this whole ball rolling and now there's nothing I can do but hope that people don't think I'm a horrible person. Someone was right, part of this WAS my fault but there's a difference as to how they're wording it. Yes, it is my fault. I should have just followed the feelings I was having before and just left things alone and went with the flow. But at the same time, I didn't mean for things to get so blown out of proportion. I didn't intend things to happen the way they did. People want me to believe that I could have done something different but no amount of training or preparing yourself can actually help you when the time comes to make certain decisions. You just start thinking for the moment and not the future and it fucks you over.
I can't understand how I got to be this way. Up until about Christmas I was just a happy go lucky person that could take anything. But I can't do it anymore. There's only so much I can take. I know if you'd heard the whole story you'd be telling me I'm just being stupid and to calm down but unfortunately for me it's not that easy. It's not easy to realize that you could have done something different. You could have said one thing and things wouldn't have gone down a certain path but it's what happens when you only think for the moment.
All I can say is that I hope things get better and I can get some sort of hope after this week.
I don't have any exciting stories to tell. Just the small fact that I've completely fucked up my life. It's like not even humane how much I've fucked up my life. I'm not gonna say the whole long story because you will be asleep by the end and pretty much yelling at your computer screen at my stupidity. The basics are that I got in over my head ever since the beginning of 2007. I got caught up with a guy that I thought would make me happy but in a whole week of craziness, when we finally met, things were so awkward we both realized that it wouldn't work. So I got really confused because I didn't know what I wanted and all that crap that wasn't exactly pleasant. Then not even a week later I meet this other guy that seemed really awesome and funny and just plain crazy like me. Well, that didn't turn out very well. So now as a result I lost him AND my best friend (don't ask). And NOW I have to fix this whole mess with someone else. Yes, things got very complicated in a matter of months and I hate it. Ever since all this stuff has been happening, I've been thinking "This isn't me, this isn't right, I feel bad." But stupid me can't listen to myself anymore. NOOO that'd be too difficult. It's come to a point where I'm blaming myself for everything that's happened. I could have just avoided this whole thing if I'd just stuck with my feelings for someone and not let myself be influenced just because other people found my weaknesses.
People keep telling me to calm down, to just chill out. But they don't understand it's not that simple. I can't just suddenly calm down and start thinking things through logically. I have no self-esteem. I still think people are talking behind my back. And meanwhile, people keep getting more and more on my nerves and it's the people that I thought would be there for me. But it turns out they're not and there's nothing I can do about it. I'm completely powerless to the fate that I chose to follow. Being powerless is the worst feeling in the world. You don't know what's going on, you don't know what people are thinking, and you don't know what's going to happen to you. I can't function if I don't feel like I have some sort of idea of what's going to happen. If I have some sort of clue, I can prepare myself for it and think up ways to get myself out of certain situations and think of ways not to make myself seem bitchy or stupid. But I can't do that anymore. I started this whole ball rolling and now there's nothing I can do but hope that people don't think I'm a horrible person. Someone was right, part of this WAS my fault but there's a difference as to how they're wording it. Yes, it is my fault. I should have just followed the feelings I was having before and just left things alone and went with the flow. But at the same time, I didn't mean for things to get so blown out of proportion. I didn't intend things to happen the way they did. People want me to believe that I could have done something different but no amount of training or preparing yourself can actually help you when the time comes to make certain decisions. You just start thinking for the moment and not the future and it fucks you over.
I can't understand how I got to be this way. Up until about Christmas I was just a happy go lucky person that could take anything. But I can't do it anymore. There's only so much I can take. I know if you'd heard the whole story you'd be telling me I'm just being stupid and to calm down but unfortunately for me it's not that easy. It's not easy to realize that you could have done something different. You could have said one thing and things wouldn't have gone down a certain path but it's what happens when you only think for the moment.
All I can say is that I hope things get better and I can get some sort of hope after this week.