(no subject)
I hate so many things in life. And I feel so many of the things I depend on falling apart. But the big thing that's been bothering me lately? I don't believe in myself, and I don't believe in God. And what else is there? If there is anything else, I know I haven't found it yet. I try and believe; I really do. But it isn't that easy to just sit down and be like "okay, I'm ready to believe now."
I do nothing. I don't like leaving the house anymore, but I hate staying in it just as much. I feel utterly and completely worthless. I have no faith in anything about myself anymore. I've analyzed myself & my surroundings, and I've compared myself to everyone I know, pointing out my flaws until I can't find anything left I like.
And oh, "it's just teenage angst" and oh, "everybody feels this way" and oh, "it will pass." I don't care. I don't fucking care what it is. And the fact that everybody feels this way at some point doesn't make it any easier for me. And the fact that it will pass does me no good now.
I make myself physically sick over nothing. From all the thinking, and all the worrying, and all the stressing, and just the overall caring. I'm sick of it all.
Afterschool in the car, Mom said it looked like I just lost my bestfriend. And I feel like I'm about to. But ugh. I am done with caring. Finished. Over.
Edit -- Sigh. Maybe if I just try and go back to the "old mary" amanda constantly says she misses, it'll happen and everything will be wonderful (for the most part) again.
I do nothing. I don't like leaving the house anymore, but I hate staying in it just as much. I feel utterly and completely worthless. I have no faith in anything about myself anymore. I've analyzed myself & my surroundings, and I've compared myself to everyone I know, pointing out my flaws until I can't find anything left I like.
And oh, "it's just teenage angst" and oh, "everybody feels this way" and oh, "it will pass." I don't care. I don't fucking care what it is. And the fact that everybody feels this way at some point doesn't make it any easier for me. And the fact that it will pass does me no good now.
I make myself physically sick over nothing. From all the thinking, and all the worrying, and all the stressing, and just the overall caring. I'm sick of it all.
Afterschool in the car, Mom said it looked like I just lost my bestfriend. And I feel like I'm about to. But ugh. I am done with caring. Finished. Over.
Edit -- Sigh. Maybe if I just try and go back to the "old mary" amanda constantly says she misses, it'll happen and everything will be wonderful (for the most part) again.