if you read, you'll judge
I found myself today, after an Al-anon meeting, in the RVMC bathroom, crying with my knees pulled into my chest.
I don't know why I feel so lonely. I had a dream last night that made me feel very sad. It was about a boy who made me feel love. No, loved. He had me in his arms, and I could feel his warmth in my dream. When I woke up, I felt a dose of heartbreak. Flash back to reality.
There is a reason God wants me to be alone right now. Not many get a chance to experience solitude. I am really learning important things, but I am also feeling pain. I am just realizing how low my self esteem truly is, yes, to this day. I need to learn new ways. So many things are a distraction. Substances and pleasures and people...
My family doesn't understand, and they ask me what's wrong? I can't explain it. And I am sorry it manifests itself as anger towards you, I do love you. I am just learning of a depth in myself that I thought was scar tissue. I thought I was more stable in myself to not depend on people and things to gratify how I feel about myself.
Overall, I am a confident girl, but I am beginning to see that... sometimes my persona is a show that runs itself. It's like an act I started practicing a long time ago that now controls itself. My mother taught me to cloak unhappiness well. Make it really pretty. But, like I said, I am learning new things.
I am learning that I don't pat myself on the back often. No matter how much I give, I always, always expect more of myself. That I am a perfectionist, and when I fail, the world comes to a screeching halt and that scares me. What I do will never be enough until I start to give myself credit where credit is due. My mom used my senior paper as an example. I put endless hours into those 9 pages, and when I was done it still wasn't good enough. I don't have to do this to myself. It makes me very sick.
Some of the things I have accomplished in the last 2 years, others haven't in a lifetime. It has to be good enough.
I am enough, just how I am. And I am learning to love myself.
I don't know why I feel so lonely. I had a dream last night that made me feel very sad. It was about a boy who made me feel love. No, loved. He had me in his arms, and I could feel his warmth in my dream. When I woke up, I felt a dose of heartbreak. Flash back to reality.
There is a reason God wants me to be alone right now. Not many get a chance to experience solitude. I am really learning important things, but I am also feeling pain. I am just realizing how low my self esteem truly is, yes, to this day. I need to learn new ways. So many things are a distraction. Substances and pleasures and people...
My family doesn't understand, and they ask me what's wrong? I can't explain it. And I am sorry it manifests itself as anger towards you, I do love you. I am just learning of a depth in myself that I thought was scar tissue. I thought I was more stable in myself to not depend on people and things to gratify how I feel about myself.
Overall, I am a confident girl, but I am beginning to see that... sometimes my persona is a show that runs itself. It's like an act I started practicing a long time ago that now controls itself. My mother taught me to cloak unhappiness well. Make it really pretty. But, like I said, I am learning new things.
I am learning that I don't pat myself on the back often. No matter how much I give, I always, always expect more of myself. That I am a perfectionist, and when I fail, the world comes to a screeching halt and that scares me. What I do will never be enough until I start to give myself credit where credit is due. My mom used my senior paper as an example. I put endless hours into those 9 pages, and when I was done it still wasn't good enough. I don't have to do this to myself. It makes me very sick.
Some of the things I have accomplished in the last 2 years, others haven't in a lifetime. It has to be good enough.
I am enough, just how I am. And I am learning to love myself.