honestly trying to work through it....

[xordinarymachin]

So, after a little bit of thinking, I came to the conclusion that I have not been living in the moment.  My thoughts are all wrapped up in the future: when I will be driving, when I will have a new job, the new things I can buy, the new clothes, in the future, when I am fit, when I am thin, when I am pretty, when I am successful, when I go to college, when I am a nurse, what I will choose, what I will do, what opportunities will be there for me, what if there's no opportunity at all?

All of these things and more.

I have been making myself sick and very, very sad.  I am excited, but I am also very afraid.  I don't know why, but thoughts of killing myself have come to mind on a few occasions.  I am not particularly concerned, but I know that there is a bug in my system.

I value my recovery, I really do, and that's why I have tried on several occasions to express this to my mom.  I told her last week, but I think both her and I were convinced it was just PMS... I explained to her that I think I need some counseling, or at least to go to some 12-step meetings.  I dpn't know if OA is going to cut it anymore though... or NA? or AA? or Al-Anon?  When did they lose their appeal?

Anyway, to get back on track though to explain that I haven't completely lost my head - I know that I need to appreciate my simple life!  I am a very get-up-and-go-person, so for me to go from being ULTRA-productive (like way beyond my wildest dreams) for these last 2 years and then going to *fart sound.*  I am going to give myself a break until my next driver test for me to find a good job.  I'm excited about working and having my license...it's a different kind of freedom.  I can go further away, and make more money.  That's an exhilarating thought in itself.

Ahhhh but see I did it again, LOL!  I need to focus on the PRESENT.

Currently:

• I have not smoked a cigarette for a day and a half or so.
  

Sometimes I wonder if I should just quit.  If I can go two or three days without smoking then the hard part's basically over.  It's just the psychological addiction I have to fix.  For the sake of my health, I don't want to smoke but I don't want to give it up now.  Then I think about the future, and if I'll smoke then.  A new technique I have been using though is to box up my cravings.  Whenever I start to think about a cigarette, I manage to step outside the craving by boxing it up and labeling it for what it is.  Cravings for cigarettes are not as strong as people think, it's just the anxiety that makes it ache.

• I have started to avoid products containing high frutose corn syrup.

This thought just occurred to me today, and it came on strongly and stuck.  Then I got a feeling of anger towards product with high frutose corn syrup because what are they really trying to feed us?  That shit doesn't occur naturally in food.  It's in hot dogs for Goodness sake!!!  YUCCKKKKKK!!!!!  So I thought, maybe if I have no other plan of controlled eating, if I can at least reduce the amount of products I consume with high frutose corn syrup then, you know, I have a start.  I need a base.  I can't do it all at once.  I really want to develop a plan of eating that lasts a lifetime, but I don't want to get sucked into daydreaming about the future again.

• I opened my blinds and window.

This has been wonderfully helpful.  I want little rituals in my life....like drinking tea, opening the windows, burning candles, and gardening.  I envision myself juggling my whole life with everything in it while still performing calming ritualistic tasks in the quiet sanction of my own apartment........and then I wonder if I can do it.  And then I remember to take baby steps and I'm right back in the present again.  :-)

• I just remembered Colleen wants to drink this weekend.

And even though when I am in the situation I will probably do it, I know I really shouldn't do it.  Its ripple affects my whole life.