So last night...
I really actually binged. The urge to eat kept pulling me out of my chair by my hair. This is probably consequence of purging, which my teeth hurt from. I didn't do any significant damage, because we don't have any cookies or ice cream, but I did essentially "binge" on 2 granola bars, a few crackers, and some cheetos. I felt like I was bingeing and I knew I was bingeing - it was nearly midnight.
In my brain, there is this billboard, and right now, every time I think about my eating disorder, the sign flashes - "GET HELP. I NEED HELP." Which is lovely because that's a feature I didn't know it has. [By the way, my teeth really hurt.]
I almost feel like I am bottoming out, when I really think about it. My fear makes me feel that way, like I am falling, and my actions reflect a downward spiral. I am afraid I smoke cigarettes again, I am afraid I'm probably dependent on weed, I want to make my own feelings but I have had bulimia for years and it yet again raises its ugly head and makes me look at it.
There is more to life. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, my life is making me address this now. Actually, I am making my own Self do it. I have a lot of Time on my hands. More than I've ever known. Before, when I was Dying, I didn't have much time. Now is different. Now I have Self Concept,
I want poetry and beauty in my life. I am getting both. Along with the Balance of everything - the suffering and destruction that comes with it.
I am on the right track, I am just experiencing Change. And hopefully, Growth.
It just doesn't look like it right now,
In my brain, there is this billboard, and right now, every time I think about my eating disorder, the sign flashes - "GET HELP. I NEED HELP." Which is lovely because that's a feature I didn't know it has. [By the way, my teeth really hurt.]
I almost feel like I am bottoming out, when I really think about it. My fear makes me feel that way, like I am falling, and my actions reflect a downward spiral. I am afraid I smoke cigarettes again, I am afraid I'm probably dependent on weed, I want to make my own feelings but I have had bulimia for years and it yet again raises its ugly head and makes me look at it.
There is more to life. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, my life is making me address this now. Actually, I am making my own Self do it. I have a lot of Time on my hands. More than I've ever known. Before, when I was Dying, I didn't have much time. Now is different. Now I have Self Concept,
I want poetry and beauty in my life. I am getting both. Along with the Balance of everything - the suffering and destruction that comes with it.
I am on the right track, I am just experiencing Change. And hopefully, Growth.
It just doesn't look like it right now,