(no subject)
ok so just like i always do, ive been thinking non-stop about whats been going on and the things that have happened to me lately and there are so many questions that ive come up with and NEED to know the answers to. if you read this, please understand here im comming from and how im feeling. ive realized that everything started with him. he is the first and only man i have ever loved. no matter what i had said at any given time, i do love him and i miss him with every fiber of my being. sooo many questions come up though. before we started going out, when we were just hanging out seeing how we felt about everything, he told Niki that he loved me. and that he didnt want to fuck things up again and that he wouldnt. what i want to know is if he ment that, y ould he have done what he did? and if he didnt mean it, why would he say it? also, krisi told me that she could see us being together for a while, if she ment that, y would she do everything she could to break us up with no concern for how it would affect me? how could she do something like this to me? y would she hurt me this much? does she hate me that much, and if so, what did i do to deserve all this pain? did i hurt her in some way? do soemthing to offend her? piss her off to some extreem? i dont know. now that brings up other points. like why have i lost every person i have ever truly loved in some way? y have i been hurt this much each and every time i fall in love with someone? when me and him first went out, he hurt me more than anyone ever had. he broke my heart into a million and one pieces. and it took a long time to become even partially healed. and i became distant from everything. really, thats the point that i changed. that i became the untrusting person that i am today. after him, i fell for my Angel. and she was stolen from me by sickness and disease. so unfair. next.. was Sara. who i completly fell for, and let all of my guard down for. and was completly blindsided when i allowed myself to open up and trust again. i fell in love with her and dont think i will ever be able to stop loving her, but i dont know if i can ever let my guard down again. not because of what happened, but because ive changed forever since then. no matter what tho, she will always have a place in my heart. then this summer, he got me to drop my guard. he got me to trust him again. to give him another chance. the universe gave me 2 chances this summer to let it happen again and i cant ignore that. im so broken right now. i dont know what im doing with my life, i dont know how to get over this. everyone i have ever loved has hurt me or left or both and i feel like i will never find anyone or that i will never feel true happiness again. this is just a part of what im feeling right now. there will be more to come.
i just want to be whole again.
i just want to be whole again.