Vision through the flames..
I finally understand the point blank truth that has been shouted at me for so long. I am not accepted here, These are not my people. I cannot stand the ways of the people here, I will not abide by the rules. This place sets the game it controls the parameter; but I do not have to play along. I have always tried to find my place in the niche of the Drain, tried to look out for the people in this group, what I have always thought to be me group. Being protective of my friends made me hard; trying to protect them from other, while expecting them to rise above the common hickish views and cultural restrictions they value so much. If Peach and Quicky knew how many hick bastards I had to back down to keep them out of fights.. If Josh Barnes knew how hard it was to smooth over with girls his abrasive demeanor that annoyed mostly everyone.. If Heath knew how much I tried to pull him into the wing of our clique to ease his sorrows by aid of his friends.. The encouragement I tried to give to people who were trying but just needed someone to pat their back.. It was all for you. I have been scorned by those I tried to hold close (in my own way) and mocked by those lower than my worst mistakes. I have felt alive for a very short time. A scorching flame that consumes the mask and pain of remembering, burning down illusions I held to soften the relations between us. I allowed myself to be hurt, I have allowed myself to stumble, I have allowed my own feelings to drag my heart across the jagged crystalline edge of loneliness. But this is not what I am, this is not what I am for. I allowed myself to indulge in suffering, to understand it. I have allowed myself to know evil, so I might fight it. I have allowed time to watch the righteous to loath their haughty ways. I have made choices to lead my feet to sand, and my body to waste, and my soul to malaise. I have allowed myself to walk the same ground of suffering. No longer. I will not allow it any longer. My blood to ashes, my bones to dust my soul to the great emptiness. I am declaring myself apart of the tangles of life, I shall follow the truth of philosophy, and will not be turned by this world. I am Xopher. I am accountable for my sins, and I walk with my own strength.