about trees and empty forests. chapter 11.
Title: About trees and empty forests. Chapter 11.
Author: xonthefloor
Pairing: Dave Karofsky/Kurt Hummel.
Rating: R.
Warnings: Strip and lap dances. Misunderstood prostitution. Bulimia. Depression. Breath play.
Spoilers: Season One and Two.
Beta: Ella Greggs.
Word Count: 97oo this chapter.
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama.
Disclaimer: Pfht, if I owned Glee, Blaine wouldn't be on it.
Summary: It’s been five years since Kurt Hummel and Dave Karofsky left Lima, following different paths. Now their lives are far from being what they dreamed for themselves and when they meet again, Dave mistakes Kurt for a hooker. Kurt doesn’t tell him different.
A/N: I started plotting this fic way before the Prom episode. So in this fic, Karofsky hasn't apologized yet.
A/N 2: I really really sorry for taking so long to update. Life has been crazy these past few months, crazy as in… I moved to another country, in another continent, crossing the ocean. The fic is not abandoned, there’s still plenty to come; I’m working on the following chapters and some of them are almost done, so I promise that next updates won’t take so ridiculously long. Once again, my apologizes and I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Chapter 11
Dave listens to his shrink talk, but pays very little attention. It’s not like he dislikes Dr. Williams, but he has experience with therapists and they always say that if you’re not comfortable with your doctors, or if you don't have much trust in them, then the treatment will never succeed.
He’s very aware that eating like a damn pig and then forcing himself to throw up is a fucked up thing to do, but he’s not just that and Dr. Williams only focuses in that aspect of him, which is the last thing Dave wants to hear or talk about.
But Dave nods at everything she says, feeling heavy and tired. Ever since last Wednesday when he broke down in front of Kurt, he’s been finding it hard to gather enough strength to even get up from bed. But he acts normal, as much as he can, because the last thing he wants is people asking him if he’s alright.
Dave talks to her about what he did over the past two weeks, almost bored. He never mentions Kurt, and never has since Kurt stormed back into his life. Dave says nothing new or interesting, since his life is not interesting. For some reason, Dr. Williams decides to increase the dose of some of his pills; it depresses Dave a lot but he says nothing.
He will still follow the medication regime; he knows he can’t suddenly just quit taking the pills. Dave made that mistake once with his first shrink. After several months of taking pills, he just stopped one day without telling his doctor, and his body started suffering the consequences of the abrupt absence of drugs. Since he was feeling as emotionally shitty as always, he never realized that his body did in fact function differently on the drugs. Three days of shaking, muscle cramps and an indescribable ache made him admit that he hadn’t been taking his meds, and his then-shrink was way pissed.
Now he’s taking almost three times more the medication than he took back then, and has been for the last six months, but it doesn't seem to make any difference…
After handing him the prescriptions, she gives him an encouraging smile that Dave finds hard to return, and they agree to see each other again next week.
Defeated, Dave leaves the doctor’s office to return to work, since it’s just two in the afternoon. He practically sulks towards his car, and when he gets in he stays still behind the wheel, not even turning the engine on.
Dave wonders if he should call his old shrink back in Boston; it might help. Still, Dave knows what his problem is: Kurt. His problem is not knowing how to deal with the whole Kurt thing, but he doesn't want to discuss that with Dr. Williams. So even though he pays the woman to listen to his troubles once a week, in reality he has no one to talk to about what's really bothering him.
Okay, Kurt’s not the entire problem, Dave thinks to himself, since he was beyond fucked up way before he met Kurt again, but none of his longstanding issues caused him to feel what he’s feeling now.
He still can’t get over what went down on Wednesday.
Dave’s so… empty. Kurt took everything away from him, leaving him with nothing inside. At the same time, Dave feels heavy; it seems to take so much effort to move around.
It’s his own fault; everything is his fault because he knew that things were not going to continue just casually after he made Kurt tell him about his life. Dave didn’t expect Kurt to made him talk about his life, though; he didn’t expect that Kurt would even care, and Kurt surely doesn’t. Probably Kurt just wanted to get even.
And he’s so fucking weak; he couldn’t even get his shit together in front of Kurt. No, Dave had to break down, right in front of him; the last person Dave wants to see him at his worst.
He’s a fucking idiot, there’s no question about that, but it doesn’t really help that life’s a bitch.
Part of him wants to laugh at the incredibility of the whole thing. Dave spent years hiding himself from everyone, and he has done it so well. No one knows about his binges, or his throwing up; almost no one ever found out that he can’t stand eating in public, or that he will never, under any circumstance, get fully naked, even when he's alone.
It’s complicated for Dave to deal with himself; he hates himself, pure and simple. Which is completely understandable, since he can’t find a single aspect of himself that’s worthy. But he still pretends that things are okay and that he’s a somewhat normal person. And he's been doing that for so long that he's very, very good at keeping his worst faults hidden. Sometimes it's hard even for him to see his real self.
But Kurt saw it all. Kurt. Fucking Kurt, the beginning and the end of all things.
Honestly, Dave could have just stuck his fingers inside his throat and vomited right in front of Kurt at that point, for all it would have matter. And then Dave remembers that, ha! He basically did that already, since maybe Kurt didn’t see him vomiting up his meal, but Kurt certainly has heard it.
How could he, how could he let Kurt strip him bare? Dave can’t stand it. He can’t stand the embarrassment, the utter mortification, and for the love of God he could stand it easier to be exposed like this to anyone else but Kurt.
Dave fidgets in the seat of his car as he gets worked up by his thoughts. He can’t help it, though, because every time he remembers that Kurt knows everything he feels so sick, like he’s about to throw up, without doing anything to provoke it.
He starts playing with the idea of not calling Kurt again, and he quickly grows fond of that idea. That night, once the distraction provided by sex was over, walking out of that bathroom to face Kurt was probably the hardest thing Dave has ever done in his life. It took a lot of effort to compose himself after crumbling in front of Kurt, and thankfully, Kurt humored him by pretending nothing had happened.
But it did happen, and it’s too embarrassing for Dave to face Kurt again. It’s too humiliating to even exist in front of his former love. Dave chastises himself for giving Kurt such importance. Kurt’s just a prostitute and Dave should not care what a prostitute thinks about him.
But Dave does care. He can't help it. Prostitute or not, God, it’s still Kurt,
I guess I did want him to like me, Dave admits to himself, feeling his stomach twist.
Dave wants to cry, since he ruined any chance he might have had to, maybe, get Kurt to like him at least a little. If Kurt didn’t want him before Dave fucked up and fell apart, Kurt surely wants him even less now.
Dave lost the thing he wants most before even trying to get it; before even realizing he was trying to get it.
He mustn't think like that. Kurt's only with him for the money. There’s nothing unique about Dave in Kurt’s life other than that he pays more for his services and that he fucks Kurt in his apartment instead of at the club. The strip show Dave saw Kurt perform, it happens every night. Men touch Kurt every night, and just like Dave fucked him in that dirty booth, loads of other men do, too.
But it's not that straightforward when they're together. Sometimes being with him feels so freaking good and natural that even when Kurt tells him he’s a hooker - and Kurt tends to be the one to point that out - it just doesn't register in Dave’s ears. Maybe the problem is that Kurt’s a very good actor, Dave considers, tiling his head to one side. They fight quite often, but then there is great sex, and sweet words, and cuddling and freaking routines and Dave falls for it more often than not. Kurt provides great service, turning into everything that Dave wants.
Dave feels his stomach growing empty and not because of hunger. He finally turns the engine on, resolving not to call Kurt again. He can't deal with having Kurt stare at him, knowing what he knows.
Dave's decision doesn’t make him feel any better, but nothing makes him feel better nowadays. The idea of not seeing Kurt ever again pains him; his hands tremble slightly as his chest constricts at the same time; he suddenly feels like he’s sixteen again and just found out that Kurt changed schools because of him. It’s a different kind of ache, though, because seven years ago the sense of guilt was too overwhelming. He was such an ass, so freaking scared, so deeply hidden in his closet and such a coward…
Dave missed Kurt terribly when the boy left McKinley; he missed how he strutted down the hallways in his complicated and flashy clothes, with his chin raised high and perfect hair, and his soft voice while he spoke with his friends. Every day that went by with no sight of Kurt Hummel made Dave’s time at McKinley that much harder to take. When the guilt and the longing turned unbearable, Dave begged his parents to let him transfer, promising he would raise his grades and stay out of trouble. But he didn't really leave what happened between the two of them at McKinley behind. If he had anyone to talk to about it, Dave would tell them the feelings he had for his first love are long gone; but now, in the solitude of his car, he has to admit the ghost of the whole Kurt deal has always been haunting him…
Seven years later and Dave finds himself in the same spot. Things are surely different, but not that much. Has he fallen for Kurt all over again? There are feelings there, of course, but Dave is not sure it’s love. Kurt’s gracious strut, his expensive outfits and his chin held high have been replaced with worn out clothes and a head ducked down between hunched up shoulders. Yet Kurt remains beautiful and, unlike seven years ago, Dave knows him now.
There are going to be a lot more things to miss, like the sight of Kurt’s gorgeous naked body, the scent of his skin, the taste of his mouth when they kiss and the faint moans when they fuck. But it’s not just the sex; it’s all of it. It’s how Kurt glares at him when Dave does something nice for him, and his chipper voice when he talks about foreign cuisine. It’s staring at Kurt’s beautiful eyes closely, and listening to that low whistling sound when he sleeps, which Dave realizes now is, sadly, a product of his asthma.
It’s just Kurt’s whole presence, and that’s a whole lot to miss.
But Dave fucked up. Kurt must think he’s pathetic, which isn't far from the truth.
And now that all his ugly secrets have been pushed onto the light, Dave doesn't think he could stand having Kurt’s eyes upon him, seeing all his failures. The more he considers pushing Kurt out of his life, the more determinate he grows. Maybe it’s a good thing he won’t be calling Kurt again, Dave considers, nodding to himself. He’ll surely miss Kurt terribly, but Dave got over Kurt once, so he can do it again, even if that takes him another couple of years. It’s got to be done, though, for Dave to put all his darkness away in some anonymous place where no one can see how damaged he is.
Dave starts driving back to work, numb and apathetic. When he stops at a red light on Lexington Avenue, his gaze falls upon a Body and Bath store. He drums his fingers on the wheel, feeling a rush of adrenaline going through his veins as the battle within him begins once again.
In the short time that takes the light go from red to green, he loses and Kurt wins, yet again, as always. Instead of resuming the drive back to work, he quickly looks for a place to park and when he finds one, Dave gets out of his car and walks towards the Body and Bath store.
He can’t help it. He’s not supposed to call Kurt again, and he was okay with that idea just minutes ago but there he is, in a store he would never walk into if it wasn’t for Kurt.
“Good afternoon,” a young girl greets him. “Welcome to Body and Bath, how can I help you?”
She’s smiling at him, and Dave scratches the back of his head. “Er, I’ve never been in one of these stores before.”
She keeps on smiling at him. “Are you looking for a present for someone?”
Dave remembers Kurt talking about facials and stuff like that back in high school; he also recalls that Kurt was looking for salts or something to enhance his bath, the night he found Dave's pills; he was so angry Kurt found his meds, but he was also upset about why Kurt was looking in his cabinets - because he can’t even take proper showers at his place since the hot water runs out quickly. Hearing that really bothered Dave a lot.
He can’t understand why he has this urgent need to spoil Kurt; it makes Kurt angry, but Dave likes doing it. Dave can’t change Kurt’s awful life, but he likes to think he can help at least in small ways. Getting Kurt tasty food, or his favorite coffee, a warm place, nice baths, enjoyable sex… He likes to take care of Kurt as much as he can; client or not, Dave likes being the one doing it because it seems that no one takes care of Kurt. And the truth is it’s easier and more enjoyable to make Kurt feel better than doing the same for himself.
Dave raises his head high. Screw his embarrassment and humiliation. Kurt deserves to be pampered. Kurt deserves the world probably, and even if Dave can't change all the bad things in Kurt's life, at least he can give him one comfortable night.
So he nods. “Uh, yeah, I am.”
“What do you have in mind?” the clerk asks him.
Dave shrugs. “Maybe bubble bath? I don’t know. This person is very into grooming and I don’t know much about stuff like that.”
The clerk smirks. “Follow me.”
The place drives Dave insane; he thinks Kurt would love everything the store offers, so basically he wants to buy everything. Forty-five minutes later, Dave leaves the place with two shopping bags filled with bubble bath and bath salts, soaps, body scrubs, shower gels, shampoos and conditioners.
Seeing Kurt on Monday is going to be humiliating, but he pictures Kurt taking a long and relaxing bath and that makes him feel a little better. Just a little.
Indulging Kurt. That’s the key.
Kurt said how much he loved having sex with him. Dave knows he’s a good fuck, his boyfriends and lovers always said so. But it’s not something that makes Dave feel particularly proud; after all, being a good lay won’t make people like him for longer than one night. But he’s a good fuck for Kurt; he makes Kurt enjoy the thing that he probably hates the most because of random guys who touch and leer and fuck him over and over every night. That’s got to count for something.
Dave tries to block those thoughts of what happens to Kurt at the VIP club. They just make him more depressed and queasy. He can’t fix it; he can’t just simply make Kurt stop whoring himself. If you can’t fix something then there’s no use worrying about it, that’s what his old therapist used to say. “Worry about what you can actually change,” Dave mutters to himself, getting in the car.
He's lost his chance with Kurt. He can't change the fact that Kurt will never willingly chose to be with him. But still he can be something good for Kurt, at least for a while, and that’s better than being the nothing he usually is.
*
When Kurt walks through the door, he instantly knows there’s something up with Dave. He can see it in Dave’s eyes. Still, Kurt gives him a long kiss, because he’s relieved. He spent the past week wondering about how the next meeting with Dave was going to be, if there was even going to be a next one. When he got a text from Dave earlier in the day, asking about tonight, Kurt exhaled deeply, as if he had been holding his breath for the entire week.
They break apart and Kurt cups Dave’s cheek, examining him.
“Are you alright?”
There’s a glimpse of a frown that quickly disappears, as if Dave realized he was frowning. “Hello to you, too,” Dave only says, letting him in.
“Hi.” Kurt pecks Dave on the lips once again. “Are you alright?”
“I’m good,” Dave replies casually, taking Kurt’s jacket and bag. “Why do you ask?”
Kurt can’t really explain it, but there’s something, some subtle change in Dave’s demeanor. His expression is tranquil, almost too tranquil; and his eyes lack their normal shine.
Kurt would be lying if he said he hasn't spent every day of the past week thinking about Dave; worrying about Dave, in fact, and wondering how he was doing. Seeing him fall apart was soul-crushing. Kurt had to stop himself several times during the week from calling him, or even texting him. Dave said he’s not suicidal, but still Kurt’s not comfortable with the thought of Dave being alone with his self-deprecating ideas. Dave should not feel that way; the only bad thing that Kurt can find in Dave is that stupid thing of ‘indulging the hooker,’ but Kurt knows that's really more his issue than Dave's.
So he’s greatly relieved to see that Dave is apparently okay, meaning ‘okay’ as in ‘standing and speaking,’ but God knows all the awful things that go through Dave’s head. It kills Kurt to know that during all the time they’ve been together, Dave has been carrying around such terrible self-loathing and Kurt was completely clueless.
But Kurt tries to act cool, not to let Dave see how anxious he’s feeling. “I don’t know,” he replies nonchalantly. “No reason, I guess.” Yeah, something's definitely going on. But Dave says he’s fine, and Kurt doesn’t want to push it. He won’t repeat the same mistake from the previous night they spent together.
Kurt’s relieved when he sees a nice plate filled with Mexican food on the table. They’re having dinner together again. After what happened at their last dinner, he was afraid that even if Dave called him again, they would skip dinner in order to avoid another fiasco. Putting aside the awareness that Dave is trying to feed him, Kurt has come to enjoy having dinner with Dave, even if they don’t do it in the most conventional way. So he heads to his place at the table, sitting down as Dave moves to his spot by the coffee table.
“So how was your day?” Kurt asks, beginning what he hopes will be a casual conversation. Maybe it will help them both relax a little, even if Dave doesn’t look as tense as Kurt is feeling.
“My day?”
Kurt gives an off-handed shrug, even though he knows Dave can’t see him. “I always talk about foreign cuisine, just to talk about something that's not personal, but I guess since there are no more secrets between us anymore… You don’t have to answer though,” Kurt hurries to say, because maybe Dave had a terrible day or something. “I know it’s personal and you don’t have to talk with your hooker-”
“It was boring,” Dave cuts him off nonchalantly. “Busy and boring, but that’s most Mondays.”
“No one likes Mondays.”
“Well, today was busier than usual since one of my co-workers twisted his ankle over the weekend and he’s on medical leave and will be for at least two weeks.”
Kurt smiles a little at Dave’s annoyed voice. It’s almost normal, Dave’s telling him a bit about his day; Kurt lets himself assume that Dave doesn't have a lot of people around to talk with. Dave’s parents are still back in Lima, and Kurt can recall that Dave moved recently to New York from Boston. Dave might need some company as much as Kurt craves it.
Kurt imagines Dave is as lonely as himself, and knowing all the issues Dave has, it’s understandable why he prefers to hire a hooker instead of finding himself a real boyfriend. Relationships force you to expose yourself to your partner, and you wouldn't need to do that with a hooker.
It makes sense now. Kurt wondered a lot why someone like Dave turned to a hooker, when he could easily find a nice guy to date.
Kurt needs to stop being nosy and start being more caring with Dave.
And while Kurt wants to ask Dave why he seems so… off, because he can sense it, Kurt plays along in this normal conversation.
“That sucks. It means more work for you. Hate when that happens.”
“How was your day?”
Kurt smirks, because Dave is still curious about his second job and Kurt’s still determined not to admit he works in MetFood. Silly, because what can be worse than supposedly being a hooker? Probably nothing, but the truth is that while he hates being a strip and lap dancer, at least at the VIP he is some type of performer. Kurt is more genuinely ashamed of being a supermarket cashier. It’s the kind of job you get when you have no talent.
It could be worse though, almost. He could work in McDonald's.
“It was okay I guess,” Kurt replies carefully. “Busy and I have to go tomorrow was well, to cover for a co-worker, but it’s not bad since that means I'll have a free day in my pocket.”
There’s a small moment of silence, and Kurt assumes Dave’s trying to narrow down the options of where Kurt might work.
“Flexible hours?”
“Our manager is pretty flexible with us. As long there’s someone to cover the hours, she doesn’t care who’s actually working,” Kurt explains, and he’s not sure if it’s store policy or just her, but Mrs. Clark, their manager, allows them to do that. Kurt knows nearly all the staff because they’re all, himself included, always swapping shifts.
“How come?”
“I don’t know, it’s just like that at work. For example, tomorrow I’m covering for this girl; her sister's visiting from I don’t know where and she needs to pick her at the airport. So she’ll owe me a shift. Whenever I need to take the day off, I’ll let her know and she’ll cover for me. It helps a lot when I’m sick.”
Kurt’s friends with none of them, but he has to admit there’s a cool spirit of camaraderie among the MetFood staff. He covers for co-workers when they have their children’s school performances, or family weddings, exams and what-not. Mrs. Clark knows he likes to work extra hours to build up time off for sick days, so she calls him a lot to fill in for other people. Luckily, there’s usually someone to cover for him when he's sick, though not enough to keep him from always owing the store work hours, since when Kurt gets sick, he skips way too many days. Three or four people can usually cover three or four shifts for him, but that's not enough for the seven or ten days he can't work.
“Don’t you get paid sick leave?”
“No benefits like that,” Kurt admits, remorsefully. “It's just a minimum wage job. We only get paid for the time we actually work. I’m not a convenient employee for any employer considering how often I get sick, so… I’m just grateful they let me keep the job. I’m trying to work as many extra shifts as I can now, because winter is coming and it’s just the worst time of the year.”
He can sense that their conversation is turning gloomy. Now Dave will surely start worrying and Kurt is determined to make Dave feel good. Kurt thinks they both need a break from their respective miseries.
“Kurt…”
“Enough about this,” Kurt tells him brightly. “I don’t want to talk about being sick and stuff. So are there a lot of people in your office?”
Thankfully, the conversation moves forwards perfectly. Dave tells him more about his work and Kurt listens to him with interest; at some point they look like friends, or so Kurt believes.
When they finish having dinner, Dave offers him a coffee and Kurt gladly accepts. They both take all the plates to the kitchen when the telephone rings. Dave excuses himself for a minute as he heads to the living room and Kurt puts the plates in the dishwasher, playing cool while he’s actually paying attention to what Dave’s saying.
“Hi, dad,” Dave says in the distance and Kurt goes still, trying to hear more.
He continues doing the dishes, so Dave won’t notice that Kurt’s being silent in order to listen to his conversation. Kurt doesn’t hear much though, but what he considers more important is that Dave doesn’t sound upset or anything; even if he can’t particularly hear what Dave’s saying, it seems that he’s just having an amicable conversation with his father.
Kurt sighs. He hates this. He has way too many problems of his own to occupy his mind with Dave’s problems; it’s stressing. But Dave is obviously suffering, even if he’s trying not to show it. Kurt busies himself with coffee as soon as he’s done with the dishes, and, feeling like adding a drop of milk to his coffee, he turns to Dave’s fridge to get some.
Yet, when Kurt opens the fridge he stills for a second; it doesn’t take longer than that to see Dave’s fridge is painfully empty except for a 12-pack of Diet Coke. Hell, Kurt himself has more food at home than Dave! Kurt quickly closes the fridge, feeling sick to his stomach as his thoughts start racing. What’s the deal with Dave? Starving himself until the next binge? With shaky hands, Kurt finishes preparing the coffees just when Dave returns to the kitchen.
“Sorry about that. My dad just wanted to say ‘hello.’”
Kurt smiles at him, trying to put his thoughts away. “It’s okay. My dad does the same. How’s yours?” he asks casually, handing Dave’s mug to him as they both head to the bedroom.
“Fine. He just wanted to check up on me, and also tell me about their vacation plans. He and my mom are going on a cruise for their anniversary.”
As they walk to the bedroom, Kurt hears Dave talking but he doesn’t really listen. Instead, Kurt’s busy fighting the urge to hug Dave, or kiss him, or hug him and kiss him and promise him that everything’s going to be alright.
Kurt wouldn’t take for granted if someone showed up to say: “Hey, Kurt, don’t you worry. Things will be fine.” He’s well aware that his situation won’t be fine for a very long time, and those words wouldn’t fix anything in his life, but a little encouragement would be good. Maybe, Kurt doesn’t know; no one has ever said that to him since he got out of the hospital. Why would they? His family believes he’s living a big life in New York, and his neighbors and co-workers believe that his life has always been and will always be like this.
“Things will be alright.” It’s an empty promise, Kurt knows, but he so wants to say those words. Dave wouldn’t believe them, probably, but maybe just hearing them from someone would be comfort enough? Someone needs to comfort Dave, Kurt believes.
When they reach the bedroom, Kurt puts his mug on Dave’s bedside table and wraps his arms around Dave in a tight embrace. Dave stops saying whatever it was he was saying, as if taken by surprise, but after a few seconds, Kurt feels Dave’s arms holding him close.
Kurt smiles a little, comforted, as if he was the one needing reassurance, instead of the one providing it. Dave’s always so warm and strong; it’s always pleasant for Kurt to have him close.
“Are you okay?” Dave asks after several seconds, since Kurt doesn’t break apart.
Kurt smiles even more. “I am,” he says, looking up to meet Dave’s eyes and finding a slight hint of worry in Dave’s gaze. Obviously, he thinks Kurt’s the one that needs comfort, assuming something bad happened to him.
“Are you sure?”
“Can’t I just hug you?” Kurt inquires playfully, not wanting to worry Dave.
Dave presses his lips together, staring at him like he’s trying to read between the lines, but then Kurt feels Dave easing as the corners of his lips twitch slightly upwards. Kurt takes that as a smile, so he can call himself victorious.
“Anytime you want,” Dave replies, playing cocky, and Kurt laughs as his chest grows warm.
This is nice. Just the two of them like this, without yelling at each other or meddling in each other’s dark secrets. It’s obvious that they can be tender and civilized, even caring towards each other; and Kurt finds himself growing content as he comforts Dave. Maybe this could be good for the both of them?
Kurt kisses him softly on the lips. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
They lay in bed, drinking their coffees while watching another 'Friends’ re-run, and when Kurt finishes his drink, he leaves the empty mug in the bedside table and snuggles up to Dave, who embraces him tightly.
“You’re pretty cuddly tonight,” Dave points out, slightly amused.
“I like cuddling. I don’t really have people to cuddle with and you happen to be great to cuddle.”
“Is that so?”
Dave seems more amused and Kurt’s glad since he really wants Dave to be the happiest he can be. Amused is not a synonym for happy, but at least Dave’s not berating himself with awful thoughts.
“Well, I can’t really cuddle with my customers, right?” Kurt states, not only because he has to keep his act fresh, but also because his misery always seems to make Dave want to pamper him, which apparently distracts Dave from hating himself. “True, you’re a customer, but we have a big comfortable bed that happens to be very convenient to cuddle in.”
Dave stares at him with an unreadable face, and for a few seconds Kurt fears that he just screwed everything up again. It wouldn’t be a surprise, since apparently he’s an expert at finding just the right words to upset David.
“Would you cuddle with them, if you had a bed instead of that chair at your club?”
Kurt blinks. He definitely didn’t see that coming and he’s not even sure where that’s coming from. For a couple of seconds, he actually pictures himself being intimate with the men he gives laps dances to, or the ones that leer at him when he’s on stage taking off his clothes. There's always a guy, some ugly stranger who touches him too much, or smacks his ass, or propositions him because, hey, he’s just a freaking whore, right? But he’s not a whore, and certainly not theirs.
A shiver runs down his spine just by thinking about it, and about how he has no choice but to degrade himself at that club.
He burrows in closer to Dave, feeling pretty saddened. “No. I hate when they touch me, I told you so,” he replies, quietly and truthfully.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” Dave holds him tightly. “It’s not my business. I shouldn’t have asked that, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Kurt shows a weak smile. “It’s not your fault men are assholes.”
Dave places a soft kiss on his neck. “But you don’t mind if I touch you, right?”
Kurt snorts. “I think I was pretty clear when I said I love everything you do to me,” he replies with a seductive tone of voice, leaving all his worries behind.
“Just checking,” Dave says and they kiss, hard and heatedly.
It’s as arousing as it’s relaxing. And to think he almost missed all this because of his big mouth…
*
Kurt wakes up about three or four hours later. He looks at the clock and it’s almost two in the morning. The whole place is in perfect darkness but it doesn’t take much for Kurt to realize that Dave’s not sleeping next to him.
“Dave?”
Kurt calls out to him again, receiving no answer. Worried, Kurt leaves the bed and takes Dave’s grey cardigan once again, since it has practically become his, to cover his naked body. First he walks into the bathroom, only to find it empty, and then he heads to the living room.
He startles a bit when he actually finds Dave there. Kurt stands very still next to the door, just observing Dave; the moonlight coming through the window lets Kurt know that Dave is very awake, doing nothing but sitting quietly on the couch in his t-shirt and boxers, silent and motionless. For some reason, this image distresses Kurt a lot. Why the hell is Dave sitting in the dark at 2 a.m. in the morning? It’s so depressing!
Oh.
“Clinical depression, it's more like a constant state; you don't even think about it, it's just there. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse, but it's always there shadowing you and sucking your energy. And you're just…. Okay with that,” Dave explained to him.
Kurt frowns. Does this mean that Dave is getting worse? Kurt did notice that Dave looked different today. Like his eyes lacked shine, a glimpse of apathy… now that he sees David sitting like that, a melancholy aura surrounding him…
“Dave? Honey?” he tries sweetly.
Dave doesn’t even flinch. Kurt wonders what happened to make Dave's usual depression worsen, but he doubts that Dave will tell him so he won’t ask, because he’ll probably just make Dave mad and not even get a proper answer in the process.
“David!” Kurt calls out loud and firm as he steps closer to the man.
Finally, Dave moves, turning his face to Kurt. “Hey… I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”
Yeah, it's impossible to sleep through all your silence and stillness, Kurt thinks to himself, but doesn’t say it because it would sound bitchy. He just sits next to Dave and sighs.
“Not at all. I just woke up and you weren’t there,” he says, hugging himself out of habit to keep warm. The room is not cold since Dave has turned on the heating, but still.
“Insomnia,” Dave explains simply. “I was tossing and turning in bed too much. Didn’t want to wake you up.”
“Does it happen often?”
“It comes and goes.”
“Well, I’m awake now so I can keep you company,” Kurt declares, laying down on the couch and stretching his legs out, resting them on Dave’s lap. It’s more comfortable than he expected.
Kurt’s also trying to be as intrusive as he can, just to distract Dave from whatever it is he’s thinking or worrying about. And even if Dave’s mind was just blank - and it seemed to be - it’s still not okay to be sitting there, staring at the nothing.
“You don’t have to. You can go back to bed, I’m okay.”
“I’ll stay. My God, this couch is more comfortable than my own bed.”
“I’m sorry for that.”
“No need for you to be sorry,” Kurt insists carefreely. “I'm just trying to say I like it here.”
“I’m glad then.”
A tranquil silence falls upon them, and Kurt just lies there, relaxed, as Dave rests his arms over Kurt’s legs and his fingers start tracing random patterns over his ankle. Dave seems calm, and Kurt can’t help feeling good about that.
Kurt's a little shocked to discover that here he is, laying on another man’s couch, completely naked under a cardigan that’s several sizes too big, with said man right there next to him, and yet, he’s comfortable.
It’s funny how much you can change when you have nothing left to lose.
He used to be the biggest prude. All his boyfriends certainly thought so. Of course, now he undresses in front of total strangers, but even after all this time he feels self-conscious about it. But this is different. Even if he doesn’t look as good as he did before, if his once slender and toned body is now skinny and scrawny, if his complexion went from milky porcelain to dry pasty pale, for the first time in years, in here, with Dave, Kurt feels comfortable in his own skin.
Maybe it's different because Dave is neither a boyfriend nor some drunken, leering stranger. Dave is... a client. He pays Kurt for sex, but not out of pity. He desires Kurt, gets aroused by him, over and over. And Dave cares about Kurt, too; even when it annoys Kurt, he has to admit Dave’s constant worry about his life is a sign of caring.
Kurt sighs. He spent nearly the whole week thinking about Dave. Right now all he wants to do is comfort Dave. That’s a sign of caring as well.
If he thinks about it, it’s pretty depressing. It only took becoming poor, sick, turning into a stripper, and masquerading as someone’s personal hooker to finally be comfortable in his own skin and find someone to care about who genuinely cares about him, faults and all. It's kind of amazing, too, considering since they met again, the man has pretty much seen nothing but the worst of Kurt's life - the poverty, the stripping, the worn out clothes. Lord, Dave has even seen him during an asthma attack!
Luckily that didn't happen tonight when Dave choked him again. Kurt had almost forgotten about that kink that he’s growing very fond of, until he felt Dave’s hand around his neck and Kurt almost came right away.
“We could play 20 Questions,” Kurt breaks the silence after a couple of minutes, laughing a bit, and thankfully, Dave laughs as well.
“I don’t know about you, but something tells me we would suck at that game.”
“Probably,” Kurt muses, but now he’s curious. “Seriously, though, can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. It’s not important,” he says, but then he considers that it might be.
Dave sighs, staring at Kurt, almost defeated. “Shoot.”
“What’s with the choking?” Dave’s hands that were caressing Kurt’s ankles still. Kurt can feel the tension in Dave, so he does his best to play carefree. “I mean, I don’t know much about kinks because I don't have any, or at least I'm not aware that I have any, but… don’t they, like, mean something? I don't mean to get all psychological or anything but -”
“You’re rambling,”
Kurt laughs, nervously. “I guess I am. But it’s because of my lack of knowledge in this department.”
Dave’s posture seems uneasy. “Don’t you think it’s like… creepy that I do that? Perverted or something?”
Dave’s voice is almost a whisper, and Kurt can see he's embarrassed. If you asked Kurt what he thought about kinks some weeks ago, before he met Dave again, he would probably have said they were kind of sick. Of course, at that point he would have been suffering from the lack of good sex during his entire existence.
But with Dave, Kurt lets himself go a little and his view on sex is completely different.
“Sexually speaking, I believe that perverts are guys who molest children, or people who get off on other people’s suffering. So I don’t think you’re a creep or a pervert, David. I think there’s nothing wrong if you enjoy it, your partner enjoys it and neither is hurting anybody.”
Even in the almost darkness, Dave seems to relax and Kurt wants to slap him. Did Dave really think Kurt thought that way about him?
“I guess. Have you ever had a boyfriend that fucked up your sex life?”
Kurt frowns. “I don't understand.”
“My first boyfriend was into choking. He also was the first person I ever slept with,” Dave explains, sounding slightly more comfortable. “I always thought that sex, at least the first time, was going to be something, I don’t know, sweet? Fuck, this is embarrassing.”
Kurt can’t help laughing. He has never had a sex talk with anyone but his father and that was seriously disturbing. He and his boyfriends never discussed intimacy, except when they were assuring him it was no big deal, they loved him anyway, all the while cheating behind his back. But this is Dave so instead of blushing and change the subject, he’s actually very interested. Kurt can’t help feeling sexy and open-minded at finally having a sex talk with someone.
“Don't feel embarrassed. I expected the same from my first time. Did yours suck? Did he hurt you?” Kurt asks, now concerned because he’s realizing that this might not be a nice memory.
Dave seems troubled and amused at the same time. “Not at all. But my ex was like, he liked rough sex. I’d never had sex before, and that was not what I expected. Of course to me, back then, being a virgin, finally I had a boyfriend and I finally got laid, and it was the hottest thing ever. So it wasn’t tender or romantic, but it was still awesome.”
“Then why did he ruin your sex life?”
“Well, he was like a very aggressive bottom. He liked being manhandled and stuff, and it was like he molded me for his pleasure. At first I was sort of scared, I didn’t want to hurt him, I guess he taught me well, though, since I never actually hurt him. But then it ended up being the only sex I knew; it was hot and I got used to it, and it was sort of weird whenever we were soft.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. Not the same case, though.”
Obviously not the same case. The almost nonexistent vanilla sex with Blaine spread to all his later boyfriends, but Kurt can’t blame Blaine for that.
“So my first boyfriend, he liked it hard, but choking was his thing. So he taught me how; you know, how to press, where, and for how long.”
Kurt grins, interested. “So there are techniques and everything.”
Dave snorts. “Well, you can do some serious damage if you press too hard where you actually don’t have to press.”
Well, yeah, but Kurt hadn’t considered it.
“What’s the meaning of it?”
“Of choking and being choked?”
“I know it’s a kink. Have you heard of BDSM? Guys who like to play submissive roles are actually people who in their ordinary life are big leaders of companies and stuff.”
“Sounds more like a game than a kink.”
“How come?”
“Well, a couple can… I don’t know, use some bright colored fuzzy furry handcuffs when they're feeling extra playful in bed. They’ll call it bondage, but people who are really into bondage would laugh in your face if you showed them those handcuffs.”
“You’re into bondage?”
“Not really, but I know some stuff. But people really into bondage get off on tying someone down, on taking hours to make the perfect knots, not just into fucking while the one you’re fucking can’t use their hands.”
Kurt is feeling slightly turned on, and for once, he’s not embarrassed about it.
“So what do you feel when you choke someone? What’s the meaning of choking?”
Dave’s the one grinning. “What do you feel when I choke you?”
“I asked first.” He knows he's dodging the question because he’s not sure if he can put into words what he feels when Dave chokes him. “You don’t have to answer,” Kurt hurries to say, since Dave might not be able to articulate it, either.
“Assuming you like it, since you have said that, physically it’s more pleasant for you than it is for me. The lack of oxygen, timed with an increase in sexual rhythm… the sudden burst of air combined with the endorphins released during sex is a heightened thrill.”
Kurt doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath. Dave’s not seducing him, but Kurt is still getting more and more absorbed with every word he speaks. And Dave’s describing perfectly what he feels physically when he’s choked.
“But it’s all in your head; our heads. It’s even more erotic than sex itself because it’s as pleasurable as it’s dangerous,” Dave finishes, his voice even.
Kurt’s mouth has gone dry by this point. “Then what do you feel?”
Dave shrugs. “Control? Trust? I’m basically playing with depriving my lover of the most basic element needed to stay alive. My exes obviously trusted me enough to take control of their freaking air, letting me decide for them when to breathe, trusting that I wouldn’t hurt them. It’s a huge turn on; hard sex aside, control is a powerful turn on.”
“The lack of it it is as well,” Kurt says, before he can even think about it and Dave smiles at him, knowingly.
“I guess so. I’ve never been the gasper, as they call it. But sex is one thing, and kinks, real kinks are something different, because in a sexual way you’re exposing to someone else something that belongs to your very depths.”
Kurt’s definitely aroused by now, but before he jumps on Dave he wants to know more.
“But that was just you’re first boyfriend. You said you had two. Why did the first one ruin your sex life?”
Dave shrugs again. “Because what I got used to and came to desire is not something most guys want. I've have my fair share of one nightstands, but you can’t choke strangers. Sometimes I believe he actually knew he could awake that side of me, and that’s why he went after me.”
Kurt frowns, since it’s a pretty sad way to think. “I don’t think-”
“By some huge coincidence,” Dave quickly ignores what Kurt was about to say. “My second boyfriend was also into breath play. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Second boyfriend was even bolder than first one, but I guess we did fine.”
“I can’t imagine how it can get bolder.”
“Fainting games?”
“What?!”
“We did it only once,” Dave says, like he’s bothered about it.
“You choked him until he passed out?!” Kurt sits up straight, gaping at Dave.
“Hey, you asked!”
“I’m sorry! I’m not trying to be rude,” he replies, honestly. “I’m just... surprised, that’s all. It sounds… extreme.”
“Believe me, it is. It was his idea, not mine,” Dave sighs and continues. “He always wanted to try it, but he never trusted his previous partners enough. But since I did it so well...”
Even though Kurt knows he should be horrified to some extent, he’s actually curious. Not because he wants to try it, since it sounds terrifying, but seriously, how can you choke someone until they faint? How can you actually want to be choked until you faint?
“But why? I mean, I’m speaking out of ignorance in the subject, Dave. I’m just curious. I don’t want to be nosy or anything.”
“You don’t want to be nosy?” Dave asks, incredulous.
Kurt raises a brow. “Look who’s talking.”
Dave snorts. At least they can laugh about this now. “It never even crossed my mind that people did such a thing until I met him. He said it was a way… to commit with each other. After all, what says ‘I trust you’ more than letting someone choke you until you pass out, right?”
Dave actually sounds bitter about it, so Kurt doesn’t understand. “Was it bad? You don’t sound pleased.”
“It was scary. At the same time, I was confident that I wasn’t going to hurt him. Afterward I realized that it wasn’t really about trusting each other. He was confident in my skills and that I cared about him, and he wanted to make the sex more interesting. But I thought it meant something more about how we loved each other or some shit like that.”
Kurt feels actually sadden about those words. “You sound like neither of your exes really loved you.”
“I think didn't really love them, either,” Dave replies, not sounding very bothered about it. “We were just convenient to each other; I don’t resent them for that. It doesn’t mean I didn’t care about them, or that they didn’t care about me.”
They’re slowly creeping into yet another treacherous and sad subject -it seems that everything they talk about has a risky side - so Kurt has to act quickly.
“And how was it?” he asks, deciding that sticking to the sex part is the safest option. He can’t just radically change the topic of conversation and ask about the freaking weather.
“Making him pass out?”
“Well, duh!”
“Great, I guess. Incredibly hot since it was control at highest level. Pleasantly scary. It didn’t last long, for obvious reasons; as soon as he passed out I was already shaking him awake. According to him it was the best orgasm in his life.”
“But you did it only once.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I told you. For him it wasn’t about deepening our emotional connection or whatever. He just wanted mind-blowing orgasms. And I had a mind-blowing orgasm that time, too, but afterward, when I fully absorbed what I'd done, I kind of freaked out. 'Cause it’s a big freaking deal,” Dave states, firmly. “I mean, choking someone like that? Once I realized it meant something very different for him than it did for me, I never agreed to do it again.”
Kurt thinks about that. He remembers how the French call orgasms le petit morte, 'the little death'… but how freaking scary is losing your air until the lights go out? He starts getting what Dave means about the trust thing; you’re literally putting your life into someone else’s hands, trusting that they won't go too far and accidentally strangle you.
It’s actually terrifying.
Kurt should know. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget that day when the asthma attack wouldn’t go away, how no medications were helping, how the oxygen in his veins was decreasing with every minute that went by, how the panic felt just before he fainted. Kurt did wake up, but he might not have.
It's not a perfect comparison, though. Kurt can’t decide when his asthma will cause him to stop breathing, he can only try to mitigate the effects. But it actually feels incredible to give Dave that control. Dave.
Kurt’s has been on his own, taking care of himself for almost three years and then Dave comes along and it’s good for a little while, to pass the control to him. It’s physically pleasant while they do it, just the way that Dave described. And the mere idea of doing something kinky makes it even more arousing.
But the more Kurt thinks about it, it starts turning scary because he has never given so much of himself in bed as he does with Dave, and it goes beyond the physical. It pleases Kurt to be someone Dave can take pleasure from. In spite of Dave’s roughness, Kurt never feels damaged, pained or distressed; if anything, he feels sexy, adventurous and taken care of, because with every delicious scratch, every bruise and every squeeze, Dave cherishes him.
But why does he trust Dave with such intimacy? Although he's not a stranger, it’s still Dave, and they’ve been together for not even two months now. Actually, that’s the thing. They haven’t been together; they just have a very stormy client-hooker relationship, and yet, he willingly gives Dave access to places that Kurt never allowed any of his lovers to even get near. Places that Kurt didn’t even know were hidden deep inside himself.
What the hell is he getting himself into? He mustn't take this so seriously, mustn't imagine there's something deeper between them. The truth is that there’s nothing between them other than sex, money, and the crap they dish out at each other.
“You shouldn’t let me do it,” Dave breaks the silence. “I do it without being aware of it sometimes, it’s almost a habit. And it’s hard not to do it when you ask me to, but I’d appreciate if you didn’t.”
Kurt stares at him, frowning. It’s almost like Dave was reading his mind, and he actually agrees. Kurt knows that this is a dangerous business, and not precisely because Dave might hurt him without meaning to. Yet, Kurt quickly grins at Dave, pretending he’s not having deep thoughts about this; he’s just the hooker, that’s all, just the whore who wants Dave to have a good time, nothing more. He's not ready to give up on this kink and the feelings it brings him, but there will be no more choking tonight. Dave said ‘it’s not okay to abuse it’ and since Dave knows more about this, Kurt doesn’t object. Yet, it doesn’t mean they have to stop having sex altogether and the night is young.
“I’m here to get you off,” Kurt states, using his best flirty tone of voice and sensually crawling onto Dave’s lap.
Dave laughs quietly. “I don’t need to choke you to get off.”
Dave holds him by his hips, but he’s staring at him with amused eyes and Kurt doesn’t like it in the slightest. It’s almost like Dave’s not taking him seriously.
“I know you like it, but...”
“But?”
Dave looks right into his eyes, and there’s no amusement in his gaze now. “But this is your pair of bright colored fuzzy furry handcuffs.”
Kurt blinks. Then he blinks again, because he didn’t expect Dave to say that. For a fraction of second he wants to argue, because Kurt’s not just a silly guy playing with fire, as Dave believes. But if he’s not, then what is he? Suddenly, Kurt’s not sure where he stands in this whole deal.
But he laughs, because Dave did a remarkable job at leaving him speechless. “Shut up,” Kurt says maturely, and since he doesn’t know what else to say, he kisses Dave.
*
When Kurt wakes up again it’s late morning. He’s quickly getting used to waking up alone in Dave’s apartment. As usual, it’s very warm, but Kurt’s starting to give up on being annoyed with Dave for turning the heat on for him.
Kurt stares at the alarm clock and it’s ten past eleven, so he grabs Dave’s cardigan yet again to cover his naked body and heads to the kitchen to get himself a coffee. He still has some time to have breakfast, take a bath and go back home to pick up his uniform for his shift at MetFood.
The money is in the dining table, but Kurt doesn’t even look at it. He gets his coffee and goes to the living room, where he sits on Dave’s comfortable couch and turns on the TV, not really paying attention on what’s on.
While he drinks his delicious coffee, Kurt decides not to think about the whole choking conversation; it’s pointless trying to find a deeper meaning in stuff that should not have any meaning at all. Instead, he thinks about Dave and lets himself feel pretty much victorious. In spite of his major screw up the other night, he and Dave are back together; Kurt smiles at that thought.
And they made a lot of progress: they joked about meddling in each other’s business. They talked about personal stuff casually and even deeply without arguing, yelling or wanting to smack each other.
Kurt feels that being attentive to Dave could work. Dave already looked better after their second round, so maybe Kurt can help a little to make Dave forget about whatever is that troubles him. Maybe Kurt can’t fix Dave’s life, but if he can give him a rest…
Kurt presses his lips together when they announce the weather forecast: 53 degrees. It’s quickly getting cold, but it could be much worse. He won’t defeat winter, but this year Kurt’s going to try to get through it better. He’s buying his brand new stove in three weeks.
Once he’s done with his coffee, Kurt washes the mug and then heads to the bathroom. He’s about to turn the faucets on when he notices that right on the end of the tub there’s a large display of bathing and body care products.
He rolls his eyes and laughs quietly, not having the strength to get mad at Dave for this.
“You bastard,” Kurt whispers, as he starts running the bath.
He takes some of the products, inspecting them. They all look very fancy. Even though he knows that they are all for him, Kurt finds it hard to choose one to start with. He feels like a kid in a candy store; he’s happy and excited because it’s been so long since he took such a quality bath. Far from wanting to strangle Dave for pampering him, Kurt is thankful and thrilled.
Of course, Kurt does his best not to notice that.
Author: xonthefloor
Pairing: Dave Karofsky/Kurt Hummel.
Rating: R.
Warnings: Strip and lap dances. Misunderstood prostitution. Bulimia. Depression. Breath play.
Spoilers: Season One and Two.
Beta: Ella Greggs.
Word Count: 97oo this chapter.
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama.
Disclaimer: Pfht, if I owned Glee, Blaine wouldn't be on it.
Summary: It’s been five years since Kurt Hummel and Dave Karofsky left Lima, following different paths. Now their lives are far from being what they dreamed for themselves and when they meet again, Dave mistakes Kurt for a hooker. Kurt doesn’t tell him different.
A/N: I started plotting this fic way before the Prom episode. So in this fic, Karofsky hasn't apologized yet.
A/N 2: I really really sorry for taking so long to update. Life has been crazy these past few months, crazy as in… I moved to another country, in another continent, crossing the ocean. The fic is not abandoned, there’s still plenty to come; I’m working on the following chapters and some of them are almost done, so I promise that next updates won’t take so ridiculously long. Once again, my apologizes and I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Chapter 11
Dave listens to his shrink talk, but pays very little attention. It’s not like he dislikes Dr. Williams, but he has experience with therapists and they always say that if you’re not comfortable with your doctors, or if you don't have much trust in them, then the treatment will never succeed.
He’s very aware that eating like a damn pig and then forcing himself to throw up is a fucked up thing to do, but he’s not just that and Dr. Williams only focuses in that aspect of him, which is the last thing Dave wants to hear or talk about.
But Dave nods at everything she says, feeling heavy and tired. Ever since last Wednesday when he broke down in front of Kurt, he’s been finding it hard to gather enough strength to even get up from bed. But he acts normal, as much as he can, because the last thing he wants is people asking him if he’s alright.
Dave talks to her about what he did over the past two weeks, almost bored. He never mentions Kurt, and never has since Kurt stormed back into his life. Dave says nothing new or interesting, since his life is not interesting. For some reason, Dr. Williams decides to increase the dose of some of his pills; it depresses Dave a lot but he says nothing.
He will still follow the medication regime; he knows he can’t suddenly just quit taking the pills. Dave made that mistake once with his first shrink. After several months of taking pills, he just stopped one day without telling his doctor, and his body started suffering the consequences of the abrupt absence of drugs. Since he was feeling as emotionally shitty as always, he never realized that his body did in fact function differently on the drugs. Three days of shaking, muscle cramps and an indescribable ache made him admit that he hadn’t been taking his meds, and his then-shrink was way pissed.
Now he’s taking almost three times more the medication than he took back then, and has been for the last six months, but it doesn't seem to make any difference…
After handing him the prescriptions, she gives him an encouraging smile that Dave finds hard to return, and they agree to see each other again next week.
Defeated, Dave leaves the doctor’s office to return to work, since it’s just two in the afternoon. He practically sulks towards his car, and when he gets in he stays still behind the wheel, not even turning the engine on.
Dave wonders if he should call his old shrink back in Boston; it might help. Still, Dave knows what his problem is: Kurt. His problem is not knowing how to deal with the whole Kurt thing, but he doesn't want to discuss that with Dr. Williams. So even though he pays the woman to listen to his troubles once a week, in reality he has no one to talk to about what's really bothering him.
Okay, Kurt’s not the entire problem, Dave thinks to himself, since he was beyond fucked up way before he met Kurt again, but none of his longstanding issues caused him to feel what he’s feeling now.
He still can’t get over what went down on Wednesday.
Dave’s so… empty. Kurt took everything away from him, leaving him with nothing inside. At the same time, Dave feels heavy; it seems to take so much effort to move around.
It’s his own fault; everything is his fault because he knew that things were not going to continue just casually after he made Kurt tell him about his life. Dave didn’t expect Kurt to made him talk about his life, though; he didn’t expect that Kurt would even care, and Kurt surely doesn’t. Probably Kurt just wanted to get even.
And he’s so fucking weak; he couldn’t even get his shit together in front of Kurt. No, Dave had to break down, right in front of him; the last person Dave wants to see him at his worst.
He’s a fucking idiot, there’s no question about that, but it doesn’t really help that life’s a bitch.
Part of him wants to laugh at the incredibility of the whole thing. Dave spent years hiding himself from everyone, and he has done it so well. No one knows about his binges, or his throwing up; almost no one ever found out that he can’t stand eating in public, or that he will never, under any circumstance, get fully naked, even when he's alone.
It’s complicated for Dave to deal with himself; he hates himself, pure and simple. Which is completely understandable, since he can’t find a single aspect of himself that’s worthy. But he still pretends that things are okay and that he’s a somewhat normal person. And he's been doing that for so long that he's very, very good at keeping his worst faults hidden. Sometimes it's hard even for him to see his real self.
But Kurt saw it all. Kurt. Fucking Kurt, the beginning and the end of all things.
Honestly, Dave could have just stuck his fingers inside his throat and vomited right in front of Kurt at that point, for all it would have matter. And then Dave remembers that, ha! He basically did that already, since maybe Kurt didn’t see him vomiting up his meal, but Kurt certainly has heard it.
How could he, how could he let Kurt strip him bare? Dave can’t stand it. He can’t stand the embarrassment, the utter mortification, and for the love of God he could stand it easier to be exposed like this to anyone else but Kurt.
Dave fidgets in the seat of his car as he gets worked up by his thoughts. He can’t help it, though, because every time he remembers that Kurt knows everything he feels so sick, like he’s about to throw up, without doing anything to provoke it.
He starts playing with the idea of not calling Kurt again, and he quickly grows fond of that idea. That night, once the distraction provided by sex was over, walking out of that bathroom to face Kurt was probably the hardest thing Dave has ever done in his life. It took a lot of effort to compose himself after crumbling in front of Kurt, and thankfully, Kurt humored him by pretending nothing had happened.
But it did happen, and it’s too embarrassing for Dave to face Kurt again. It’s too humiliating to even exist in front of his former love. Dave chastises himself for giving Kurt such importance. Kurt’s just a prostitute and Dave should not care what a prostitute thinks about him.
But Dave does care. He can't help it. Prostitute or not, God, it’s still Kurt,
I guess I did want him to like me, Dave admits to himself, feeling his stomach twist.
Dave wants to cry, since he ruined any chance he might have had to, maybe, get Kurt to like him at least a little. If Kurt didn’t want him before Dave fucked up and fell apart, Kurt surely wants him even less now.
Dave lost the thing he wants most before even trying to get it; before even realizing he was trying to get it.
He mustn't think like that. Kurt's only with him for the money. There’s nothing unique about Dave in Kurt’s life other than that he pays more for his services and that he fucks Kurt in his apartment instead of at the club. The strip show Dave saw Kurt perform, it happens every night. Men touch Kurt every night, and just like Dave fucked him in that dirty booth, loads of other men do, too.
But it's not that straightforward when they're together. Sometimes being with him feels so freaking good and natural that even when Kurt tells him he’s a hooker - and Kurt tends to be the one to point that out - it just doesn't register in Dave’s ears. Maybe the problem is that Kurt’s a very good actor, Dave considers, tiling his head to one side. They fight quite often, but then there is great sex, and sweet words, and cuddling and freaking routines and Dave falls for it more often than not. Kurt provides great service, turning into everything that Dave wants.
Dave feels his stomach growing empty and not because of hunger. He finally turns the engine on, resolving not to call Kurt again. He can't deal with having Kurt stare at him, knowing what he knows.
Dave's decision doesn’t make him feel any better, but nothing makes him feel better nowadays. The idea of not seeing Kurt ever again pains him; his hands tremble slightly as his chest constricts at the same time; he suddenly feels like he’s sixteen again and just found out that Kurt changed schools because of him. It’s a different kind of ache, though, because seven years ago the sense of guilt was too overwhelming. He was such an ass, so freaking scared, so deeply hidden in his closet and such a coward…
Dave missed Kurt terribly when the boy left McKinley; he missed how he strutted down the hallways in his complicated and flashy clothes, with his chin raised high and perfect hair, and his soft voice while he spoke with his friends. Every day that went by with no sight of Kurt Hummel made Dave’s time at McKinley that much harder to take. When the guilt and the longing turned unbearable, Dave begged his parents to let him transfer, promising he would raise his grades and stay out of trouble. But he didn't really leave what happened between the two of them at McKinley behind. If he had anyone to talk to about it, Dave would tell them the feelings he had for his first love are long gone; but now, in the solitude of his car, he has to admit the ghost of the whole Kurt deal has always been haunting him…
Seven years later and Dave finds himself in the same spot. Things are surely different, but not that much. Has he fallen for Kurt all over again? There are feelings there, of course, but Dave is not sure it’s love. Kurt’s gracious strut, his expensive outfits and his chin held high have been replaced with worn out clothes and a head ducked down between hunched up shoulders. Yet Kurt remains beautiful and, unlike seven years ago, Dave knows him now.
There are going to be a lot more things to miss, like the sight of Kurt’s gorgeous naked body, the scent of his skin, the taste of his mouth when they kiss and the faint moans when they fuck. But it’s not just the sex; it’s all of it. It’s how Kurt glares at him when Dave does something nice for him, and his chipper voice when he talks about foreign cuisine. It’s staring at Kurt’s beautiful eyes closely, and listening to that low whistling sound when he sleeps, which Dave realizes now is, sadly, a product of his asthma.
It’s just Kurt’s whole presence, and that’s a whole lot to miss.
But Dave fucked up. Kurt must think he’s pathetic, which isn't far from the truth.
And now that all his ugly secrets have been pushed onto the light, Dave doesn't think he could stand having Kurt’s eyes upon him, seeing all his failures. The more he considers pushing Kurt out of his life, the more determinate he grows. Maybe it’s a good thing he won’t be calling Kurt again, Dave considers, nodding to himself. He’ll surely miss Kurt terribly, but Dave got over Kurt once, so he can do it again, even if that takes him another couple of years. It’s got to be done, though, for Dave to put all his darkness away in some anonymous place where no one can see how damaged he is.
Dave starts driving back to work, numb and apathetic. When he stops at a red light on Lexington Avenue, his gaze falls upon a Body and Bath store. He drums his fingers on the wheel, feeling a rush of adrenaline going through his veins as the battle within him begins once again.
In the short time that takes the light go from red to green, he loses and Kurt wins, yet again, as always. Instead of resuming the drive back to work, he quickly looks for a place to park and when he finds one, Dave gets out of his car and walks towards the Body and Bath store.
He can’t help it. He’s not supposed to call Kurt again, and he was okay with that idea just minutes ago but there he is, in a store he would never walk into if it wasn’t for Kurt.
“Good afternoon,” a young girl greets him. “Welcome to Body and Bath, how can I help you?”
She’s smiling at him, and Dave scratches the back of his head. “Er, I’ve never been in one of these stores before.”
She keeps on smiling at him. “Are you looking for a present for someone?”
Dave remembers Kurt talking about facials and stuff like that back in high school; he also recalls that Kurt was looking for salts or something to enhance his bath, the night he found Dave's pills; he was so angry Kurt found his meds, but he was also upset about why Kurt was looking in his cabinets - because he can’t even take proper showers at his place since the hot water runs out quickly. Hearing that really bothered Dave a lot.
He can’t understand why he has this urgent need to spoil Kurt; it makes Kurt angry, but Dave likes doing it. Dave can’t change Kurt’s awful life, but he likes to think he can help at least in small ways. Getting Kurt tasty food, or his favorite coffee, a warm place, nice baths, enjoyable sex… He likes to take care of Kurt as much as he can; client or not, Dave likes being the one doing it because it seems that no one takes care of Kurt. And the truth is it’s easier and more enjoyable to make Kurt feel better than doing the same for himself.
Dave raises his head high. Screw his embarrassment and humiliation. Kurt deserves to be pampered. Kurt deserves the world probably, and even if Dave can't change all the bad things in Kurt's life, at least he can give him one comfortable night.
So he nods. “Uh, yeah, I am.”
“What do you have in mind?” the clerk asks him.
Dave shrugs. “Maybe bubble bath? I don’t know. This person is very into grooming and I don’t know much about stuff like that.”
The clerk smirks. “Follow me.”
The place drives Dave insane; he thinks Kurt would love everything the store offers, so basically he wants to buy everything. Forty-five minutes later, Dave leaves the place with two shopping bags filled with bubble bath and bath salts, soaps, body scrubs, shower gels, shampoos and conditioners.
Seeing Kurt on Monday is going to be humiliating, but he pictures Kurt taking a long and relaxing bath and that makes him feel a little better. Just a little.
Indulging Kurt. That’s the key.
Kurt said how much he loved having sex with him. Dave knows he’s a good fuck, his boyfriends and lovers always said so. But it’s not something that makes Dave feel particularly proud; after all, being a good lay won’t make people like him for longer than one night. But he’s a good fuck for Kurt; he makes Kurt enjoy the thing that he probably hates the most because of random guys who touch and leer and fuck him over and over every night. That’s got to count for something.
Dave tries to block those thoughts of what happens to Kurt at the VIP club. They just make him more depressed and queasy. He can’t fix it; he can’t just simply make Kurt stop whoring himself. If you can’t fix something then there’s no use worrying about it, that’s what his old therapist used to say. “Worry about what you can actually change,” Dave mutters to himself, getting in the car.
He's lost his chance with Kurt. He can't change the fact that Kurt will never willingly chose to be with him. But still he can be something good for Kurt, at least for a while, and that’s better than being the nothing he usually is.
*
When Kurt walks through the door, he instantly knows there’s something up with Dave. He can see it in Dave’s eyes. Still, Kurt gives him a long kiss, because he’s relieved. He spent the past week wondering about how the next meeting with Dave was going to be, if there was even going to be a next one. When he got a text from Dave earlier in the day, asking about tonight, Kurt exhaled deeply, as if he had been holding his breath for the entire week.
They break apart and Kurt cups Dave’s cheek, examining him.
“Are you alright?”
There’s a glimpse of a frown that quickly disappears, as if Dave realized he was frowning. “Hello to you, too,” Dave only says, letting him in.
“Hi.” Kurt pecks Dave on the lips once again. “Are you alright?”
“I’m good,” Dave replies casually, taking Kurt’s jacket and bag. “Why do you ask?”
Kurt can’t really explain it, but there’s something, some subtle change in Dave’s demeanor. His expression is tranquil, almost too tranquil; and his eyes lack their normal shine.
Kurt would be lying if he said he hasn't spent every day of the past week thinking about Dave; worrying about Dave, in fact, and wondering how he was doing. Seeing him fall apart was soul-crushing. Kurt had to stop himself several times during the week from calling him, or even texting him. Dave said he’s not suicidal, but still Kurt’s not comfortable with the thought of Dave being alone with his self-deprecating ideas. Dave should not feel that way; the only bad thing that Kurt can find in Dave is that stupid thing of ‘indulging the hooker,’ but Kurt knows that's really more his issue than Dave's.
So he’s greatly relieved to see that Dave is apparently okay, meaning ‘okay’ as in ‘standing and speaking,’ but God knows all the awful things that go through Dave’s head. It kills Kurt to know that during all the time they’ve been together, Dave has been carrying around such terrible self-loathing and Kurt was completely clueless.
But Kurt tries to act cool, not to let Dave see how anxious he’s feeling. “I don’t know,” he replies nonchalantly. “No reason, I guess.” Yeah, something's definitely going on. But Dave says he’s fine, and Kurt doesn’t want to push it. He won’t repeat the same mistake from the previous night they spent together.
Kurt’s relieved when he sees a nice plate filled with Mexican food on the table. They’re having dinner together again. After what happened at their last dinner, he was afraid that even if Dave called him again, they would skip dinner in order to avoid another fiasco. Putting aside the awareness that Dave is trying to feed him, Kurt has come to enjoy having dinner with Dave, even if they don’t do it in the most conventional way. So he heads to his place at the table, sitting down as Dave moves to his spot by the coffee table.
“So how was your day?” Kurt asks, beginning what he hopes will be a casual conversation. Maybe it will help them both relax a little, even if Dave doesn’t look as tense as Kurt is feeling.
“My day?”
Kurt gives an off-handed shrug, even though he knows Dave can’t see him. “I always talk about foreign cuisine, just to talk about something that's not personal, but I guess since there are no more secrets between us anymore… You don’t have to answer though,” Kurt hurries to say, because maybe Dave had a terrible day or something. “I know it’s personal and you don’t have to talk with your hooker-”
“It was boring,” Dave cuts him off nonchalantly. “Busy and boring, but that’s most Mondays.”
“No one likes Mondays.”
“Well, today was busier than usual since one of my co-workers twisted his ankle over the weekend and he’s on medical leave and will be for at least two weeks.”
Kurt smiles a little at Dave’s annoyed voice. It’s almost normal, Dave’s telling him a bit about his day; Kurt lets himself assume that Dave doesn't have a lot of people around to talk with. Dave’s parents are still back in Lima, and Kurt can recall that Dave moved recently to New York from Boston. Dave might need some company as much as Kurt craves it.
Kurt imagines Dave is as lonely as himself, and knowing all the issues Dave has, it’s understandable why he prefers to hire a hooker instead of finding himself a real boyfriend. Relationships force you to expose yourself to your partner, and you wouldn't need to do that with a hooker.
It makes sense now. Kurt wondered a lot why someone like Dave turned to a hooker, when he could easily find a nice guy to date.
Kurt needs to stop being nosy and start being more caring with Dave.
And while Kurt wants to ask Dave why he seems so… off, because he can sense it, Kurt plays along in this normal conversation.
“That sucks. It means more work for you. Hate when that happens.”
“How was your day?”
Kurt smirks, because Dave is still curious about his second job and Kurt’s still determined not to admit he works in MetFood. Silly, because what can be worse than supposedly being a hooker? Probably nothing, but the truth is that while he hates being a strip and lap dancer, at least at the VIP he is some type of performer. Kurt is more genuinely ashamed of being a supermarket cashier. It’s the kind of job you get when you have no talent.
It could be worse though, almost. He could work in McDonald's.
“It was okay I guess,” Kurt replies carefully. “Busy and I have to go tomorrow was well, to cover for a co-worker, but it’s not bad since that means I'll have a free day in my pocket.”
There’s a small moment of silence, and Kurt assumes Dave’s trying to narrow down the options of where Kurt might work.
“Flexible hours?”
“Our manager is pretty flexible with us. As long there’s someone to cover the hours, she doesn’t care who’s actually working,” Kurt explains, and he’s not sure if it’s store policy or just her, but Mrs. Clark, their manager, allows them to do that. Kurt knows nearly all the staff because they’re all, himself included, always swapping shifts.
“How come?”
“I don’t know, it’s just like that at work. For example, tomorrow I’m covering for this girl; her sister's visiting from I don’t know where and she needs to pick her at the airport. So she’ll owe me a shift. Whenever I need to take the day off, I’ll let her know and she’ll cover for me. It helps a lot when I’m sick.”
Kurt’s friends with none of them, but he has to admit there’s a cool spirit of camaraderie among the MetFood staff. He covers for co-workers when they have their children’s school performances, or family weddings, exams and what-not. Mrs. Clark knows he likes to work extra hours to build up time off for sick days, so she calls him a lot to fill in for other people. Luckily, there’s usually someone to cover for him when he's sick, though not enough to keep him from always owing the store work hours, since when Kurt gets sick, he skips way too many days. Three or four people can usually cover three or four shifts for him, but that's not enough for the seven or ten days he can't work.
“Don’t you get paid sick leave?”
“No benefits like that,” Kurt admits, remorsefully. “It's just a minimum wage job. We only get paid for the time we actually work. I’m not a convenient employee for any employer considering how often I get sick, so… I’m just grateful they let me keep the job. I’m trying to work as many extra shifts as I can now, because winter is coming and it’s just the worst time of the year.”
He can sense that their conversation is turning gloomy. Now Dave will surely start worrying and Kurt is determined to make Dave feel good. Kurt thinks they both need a break from their respective miseries.
“Kurt…”
“Enough about this,” Kurt tells him brightly. “I don’t want to talk about being sick and stuff. So are there a lot of people in your office?”
Thankfully, the conversation moves forwards perfectly. Dave tells him more about his work and Kurt listens to him with interest; at some point they look like friends, or so Kurt believes.
When they finish having dinner, Dave offers him a coffee and Kurt gladly accepts. They both take all the plates to the kitchen when the telephone rings. Dave excuses himself for a minute as he heads to the living room and Kurt puts the plates in the dishwasher, playing cool while he’s actually paying attention to what Dave’s saying.
“Hi, dad,” Dave says in the distance and Kurt goes still, trying to hear more.
He continues doing the dishes, so Dave won’t notice that Kurt’s being silent in order to listen to his conversation. Kurt doesn’t hear much though, but what he considers more important is that Dave doesn’t sound upset or anything; even if he can’t particularly hear what Dave’s saying, it seems that he’s just having an amicable conversation with his father.
Kurt sighs. He hates this. He has way too many problems of his own to occupy his mind with Dave’s problems; it’s stressing. But Dave is obviously suffering, even if he’s trying not to show it. Kurt busies himself with coffee as soon as he’s done with the dishes, and, feeling like adding a drop of milk to his coffee, he turns to Dave’s fridge to get some.
Yet, when Kurt opens the fridge he stills for a second; it doesn’t take longer than that to see Dave’s fridge is painfully empty except for a 12-pack of Diet Coke. Hell, Kurt himself has more food at home than Dave! Kurt quickly closes the fridge, feeling sick to his stomach as his thoughts start racing. What’s the deal with Dave? Starving himself until the next binge? With shaky hands, Kurt finishes preparing the coffees just when Dave returns to the kitchen.
“Sorry about that. My dad just wanted to say ‘hello.’”
Kurt smiles at him, trying to put his thoughts away. “It’s okay. My dad does the same. How’s yours?” he asks casually, handing Dave’s mug to him as they both head to the bedroom.
“Fine. He just wanted to check up on me, and also tell me about their vacation plans. He and my mom are going on a cruise for their anniversary.”
As they walk to the bedroom, Kurt hears Dave talking but he doesn’t really listen. Instead, Kurt’s busy fighting the urge to hug Dave, or kiss him, or hug him and kiss him and promise him that everything’s going to be alright.
Kurt wouldn’t take for granted if someone showed up to say: “Hey, Kurt, don’t you worry. Things will be fine.” He’s well aware that his situation won’t be fine for a very long time, and those words wouldn’t fix anything in his life, but a little encouragement would be good. Maybe, Kurt doesn’t know; no one has ever said that to him since he got out of the hospital. Why would they? His family believes he’s living a big life in New York, and his neighbors and co-workers believe that his life has always been and will always be like this.
“Things will be alright.” It’s an empty promise, Kurt knows, but he so wants to say those words. Dave wouldn’t believe them, probably, but maybe just hearing them from someone would be comfort enough? Someone needs to comfort Dave, Kurt believes.
When they reach the bedroom, Kurt puts his mug on Dave’s bedside table and wraps his arms around Dave in a tight embrace. Dave stops saying whatever it was he was saying, as if taken by surprise, but after a few seconds, Kurt feels Dave’s arms holding him close.
Kurt smiles a little, comforted, as if he was the one needing reassurance, instead of the one providing it. Dave’s always so warm and strong; it’s always pleasant for Kurt to have him close.
“Are you okay?” Dave asks after several seconds, since Kurt doesn’t break apart.
Kurt smiles even more. “I am,” he says, looking up to meet Dave’s eyes and finding a slight hint of worry in Dave’s gaze. Obviously, he thinks Kurt’s the one that needs comfort, assuming something bad happened to him.
“Are you sure?”
“Can’t I just hug you?” Kurt inquires playfully, not wanting to worry Dave.
Dave presses his lips together, staring at him like he’s trying to read between the lines, but then Kurt feels Dave easing as the corners of his lips twitch slightly upwards. Kurt takes that as a smile, so he can call himself victorious.
“Anytime you want,” Dave replies, playing cocky, and Kurt laughs as his chest grows warm.
This is nice. Just the two of them like this, without yelling at each other or meddling in each other’s dark secrets. It’s obvious that they can be tender and civilized, even caring towards each other; and Kurt finds himself growing content as he comforts Dave. Maybe this could be good for the both of them?
Kurt kisses him softly on the lips. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
They lay in bed, drinking their coffees while watching another 'Friends’ re-run, and when Kurt finishes his drink, he leaves the empty mug in the bedside table and snuggles up to Dave, who embraces him tightly.
“You’re pretty cuddly tonight,” Dave points out, slightly amused.
“I like cuddling. I don’t really have people to cuddle with and you happen to be great to cuddle.”
“Is that so?”
Dave seems more amused and Kurt’s glad since he really wants Dave to be the happiest he can be. Amused is not a synonym for happy, but at least Dave’s not berating himself with awful thoughts.
“Well, I can’t really cuddle with my customers, right?” Kurt states, not only because he has to keep his act fresh, but also because his misery always seems to make Dave want to pamper him, which apparently distracts Dave from hating himself. “True, you’re a customer, but we have a big comfortable bed that happens to be very convenient to cuddle in.”
Dave stares at him with an unreadable face, and for a few seconds Kurt fears that he just screwed everything up again. It wouldn’t be a surprise, since apparently he’s an expert at finding just the right words to upset David.
“Would you cuddle with them, if you had a bed instead of that chair at your club?”
Kurt blinks. He definitely didn’t see that coming and he’s not even sure where that’s coming from. For a couple of seconds, he actually pictures himself being intimate with the men he gives laps dances to, or the ones that leer at him when he’s on stage taking off his clothes. There's always a guy, some ugly stranger who touches him too much, or smacks his ass, or propositions him because, hey, he’s just a freaking whore, right? But he’s not a whore, and certainly not theirs.
A shiver runs down his spine just by thinking about it, and about how he has no choice but to degrade himself at that club.
He burrows in closer to Dave, feeling pretty saddened. “No. I hate when they touch me, I told you so,” he replies, quietly and truthfully.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” Dave holds him tightly. “It’s not my business. I shouldn’t have asked that, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Kurt shows a weak smile. “It’s not your fault men are assholes.”
Dave places a soft kiss on his neck. “But you don’t mind if I touch you, right?”
Kurt snorts. “I think I was pretty clear when I said I love everything you do to me,” he replies with a seductive tone of voice, leaving all his worries behind.
“Just checking,” Dave says and they kiss, hard and heatedly.
It’s as arousing as it’s relaxing. And to think he almost missed all this because of his big mouth…
*
Kurt wakes up about three or four hours later. He looks at the clock and it’s almost two in the morning. The whole place is in perfect darkness but it doesn’t take much for Kurt to realize that Dave’s not sleeping next to him.
“Dave?”
Kurt calls out to him again, receiving no answer. Worried, Kurt leaves the bed and takes Dave’s grey cardigan once again, since it has practically become his, to cover his naked body. First he walks into the bathroom, only to find it empty, and then he heads to the living room.
He startles a bit when he actually finds Dave there. Kurt stands very still next to the door, just observing Dave; the moonlight coming through the window lets Kurt know that Dave is very awake, doing nothing but sitting quietly on the couch in his t-shirt and boxers, silent and motionless. For some reason, this image distresses Kurt a lot. Why the hell is Dave sitting in the dark at 2 a.m. in the morning? It’s so depressing!
Oh.
“Clinical depression, it's more like a constant state; you don't even think about it, it's just there. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse, but it's always there shadowing you and sucking your energy. And you're just…. Okay with that,” Dave explained to him.
Kurt frowns. Does this mean that Dave is getting worse? Kurt did notice that Dave looked different today. Like his eyes lacked shine, a glimpse of apathy… now that he sees David sitting like that, a melancholy aura surrounding him…
“Dave? Honey?” he tries sweetly.
Dave doesn’t even flinch. Kurt wonders what happened to make Dave's usual depression worsen, but he doubts that Dave will tell him so he won’t ask, because he’ll probably just make Dave mad and not even get a proper answer in the process.
“David!” Kurt calls out loud and firm as he steps closer to the man.
Finally, Dave moves, turning his face to Kurt. “Hey… I’m sorry, did I wake you up?”
Yeah, it's impossible to sleep through all your silence and stillness, Kurt thinks to himself, but doesn’t say it because it would sound bitchy. He just sits next to Dave and sighs.
“Not at all. I just woke up and you weren’t there,” he says, hugging himself out of habit to keep warm. The room is not cold since Dave has turned on the heating, but still.
“Insomnia,” Dave explains simply. “I was tossing and turning in bed too much. Didn’t want to wake you up.”
“Does it happen often?”
“It comes and goes.”
“Well, I’m awake now so I can keep you company,” Kurt declares, laying down on the couch and stretching his legs out, resting them on Dave’s lap. It’s more comfortable than he expected.
Kurt’s also trying to be as intrusive as he can, just to distract Dave from whatever it is he’s thinking or worrying about. And even if Dave’s mind was just blank - and it seemed to be - it’s still not okay to be sitting there, staring at the nothing.
“You don’t have to. You can go back to bed, I’m okay.”
“I’ll stay. My God, this couch is more comfortable than my own bed.”
“I’m sorry for that.”
“No need for you to be sorry,” Kurt insists carefreely. “I'm just trying to say I like it here.”
“I’m glad then.”
A tranquil silence falls upon them, and Kurt just lies there, relaxed, as Dave rests his arms over Kurt’s legs and his fingers start tracing random patterns over his ankle. Dave seems calm, and Kurt can’t help feeling good about that.
Kurt's a little shocked to discover that here he is, laying on another man’s couch, completely naked under a cardigan that’s several sizes too big, with said man right there next to him, and yet, he’s comfortable.
It’s funny how much you can change when you have nothing left to lose.
He used to be the biggest prude. All his boyfriends certainly thought so. Of course, now he undresses in front of total strangers, but even after all this time he feels self-conscious about it. But this is different. Even if he doesn’t look as good as he did before, if his once slender and toned body is now skinny and scrawny, if his complexion went from milky porcelain to dry pasty pale, for the first time in years, in here, with Dave, Kurt feels comfortable in his own skin.
Maybe it's different because Dave is neither a boyfriend nor some drunken, leering stranger. Dave is... a client. He pays Kurt for sex, but not out of pity. He desires Kurt, gets aroused by him, over and over. And Dave cares about Kurt, too; even when it annoys Kurt, he has to admit Dave’s constant worry about his life is a sign of caring.
Kurt sighs. He spent nearly the whole week thinking about Dave. Right now all he wants to do is comfort Dave. That’s a sign of caring as well.
If he thinks about it, it’s pretty depressing. It only took becoming poor, sick, turning into a stripper, and masquerading as someone’s personal hooker to finally be comfortable in his own skin and find someone to care about who genuinely cares about him, faults and all. It's kind of amazing, too, considering since they met again, the man has pretty much seen nothing but the worst of Kurt's life - the poverty, the stripping, the worn out clothes. Lord, Dave has even seen him during an asthma attack!
Luckily that didn't happen tonight when Dave choked him again. Kurt had almost forgotten about that kink that he’s growing very fond of, until he felt Dave’s hand around his neck and Kurt almost came right away.
“We could play 20 Questions,” Kurt breaks the silence after a couple of minutes, laughing a bit, and thankfully, Dave laughs as well.
“I don’t know about you, but something tells me we would suck at that game.”
“Probably,” Kurt muses, but now he’s curious. “Seriously, though, can I ask you something? You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. It’s not important,” he says, but then he considers that it might be.
Dave sighs, staring at Kurt, almost defeated. “Shoot.”
“What’s with the choking?” Dave’s hands that were caressing Kurt’s ankles still. Kurt can feel the tension in Dave, so he does his best to play carefree. “I mean, I don’t know much about kinks because I don't have any, or at least I'm not aware that I have any, but… don’t they, like, mean something? I don't mean to get all psychological or anything but -”
“You’re rambling,”
Kurt laughs, nervously. “I guess I am. But it’s because of my lack of knowledge in this department.”
Dave’s posture seems uneasy. “Don’t you think it’s like… creepy that I do that? Perverted or something?”
Dave’s voice is almost a whisper, and Kurt can see he's embarrassed. If you asked Kurt what he thought about kinks some weeks ago, before he met Dave again, he would probably have said they were kind of sick. Of course, at that point he would have been suffering from the lack of good sex during his entire existence.
But with Dave, Kurt lets himself go a little and his view on sex is completely different.
“Sexually speaking, I believe that perverts are guys who molest children, or people who get off on other people’s suffering. So I don’t think you’re a creep or a pervert, David. I think there’s nothing wrong if you enjoy it, your partner enjoys it and neither is hurting anybody.”
Even in the almost darkness, Dave seems to relax and Kurt wants to slap him. Did Dave really think Kurt thought that way about him?
“I guess. Have you ever had a boyfriend that fucked up your sex life?”
Kurt frowns. “I don't understand.”
“My first boyfriend was into choking. He also was the first person I ever slept with,” Dave explains, sounding slightly more comfortable. “I always thought that sex, at least the first time, was going to be something, I don’t know, sweet? Fuck, this is embarrassing.”
Kurt can’t help laughing. He has never had a sex talk with anyone but his father and that was seriously disturbing. He and his boyfriends never discussed intimacy, except when they were assuring him it was no big deal, they loved him anyway, all the while cheating behind his back. But this is Dave so instead of blushing and change the subject, he’s actually very interested. Kurt can’t help feeling sexy and open-minded at finally having a sex talk with someone.
“Don't feel embarrassed. I expected the same from my first time. Did yours suck? Did he hurt you?” Kurt asks, now concerned because he’s realizing that this might not be a nice memory.
Dave seems troubled and amused at the same time. “Not at all. But my ex was like, he liked rough sex. I’d never had sex before, and that was not what I expected. Of course to me, back then, being a virgin, finally I had a boyfriend and I finally got laid, and it was the hottest thing ever. So it wasn’t tender or romantic, but it was still awesome.”
“Then why did he ruin your sex life?”
“Well, he was like a very aggressive bottom. He liked being manhandled and stuff, and it was like he molded me for his pleasure. At first I was sort of scared, I didn’t want to hurt him, I guess he taught me well, though, since I never actually hurt him. But then it ended up being the only sex I knew; it was hot and I got used to it, and it was sort of weird whenever we were soft.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. Not the same case, though.”
Obviously not the same case. The almost nonexistent vanilla sex with Blaine spread to all his later boyfriends, but Kurt can’t blame Blaine for that.
“So my first boyfriend, he liked it hard, but choking was his thing. So he taught me how; you know, how to press, where, and for how long.”
Kurt grins, interested. “So there are techniques and everything.”
Dave snorts. “Well, you can do some serious damage if you press too hard where you actually don’t have to press.”
Well, yeah, but Kurt hadn’t considered it.
“What’s the meaning of it?”
“Of choking and being choked?”
“I know it’s a kink. Have you heard of BDSM? Guys who like to play submissive roles are actually people who in their ordinary life are big leaders of companies and stuff.”
“Sounds more like a game than a kink.”
“How come?”
“Well, a couple can… I don’t know, use some bright colored fuzzy furry handcuffs when they're feeling extra playful in bed. They’ll call it bondage, but people who are really into bondage would laugh in your face if you showed them those handcuffs.”
“You’re into bondage?”
“Not really, but I know some stuff. But people really into bondage get off on tying someone down, on taking hours to make the perfect knots, not just into fucking while the one you’re fucking can’t use their hands.”
Kurt is feeling slightly turned on, and for once, he’s not embarrassed about it.
“So what do you feel when you choke someone? What’s the meaning of choking?”
Dave’s the one grinning. “What do you feel when I choke you?”
“I asked first.” He knows he's dodging the question because he’s not sure if he can put into words what he feels when Dave chokes him. “You don’t have to answer,” Kurt hurries to say, since Dave might not be able to articulate it, either.
“Assuming you like it, since you have said that, physically it’s more pleasant for you than it is for me. The lack of oxygen, timed with an increase in sexual rhythm… the sudden burst of air combined with the endorphins released during sex is a heightened thrill.”
Kurt doesn’t realize he’s holding his breath. Dave’s not seducing him, but Kurt is still getting more and more absorbed with every word he speaks. And Dave’s describing perfectly what he feels physically when he’s choked.
“But it’s all in your head; our heads. It’s even more erotic than sex itself because it’s as pleasurable as it’s dangerous,” Dave finishes, his voice even.
Kurt’s mouth has gone dry by this point. “Then what do you feel?”
Dave shrugs. “Control? Trust? I’m basically playing with depriving my lover of the most basic element needed to stay alive. My exes obviously trusted me enough to take control of their freaking air, letting me decide for them when to breathe, trusting that I wouldn’t hurt them. It’s a huge turn on; hard sex aside, control is a powerful turn on.”
“The lack of it it is as well,” Kurt says, before he can even think about it and Dave smiles at him, knowingly.
“I guess so. I’ve never been the gasper, as they call it. But sex is one thing, and kinks, real kinks are something different, because in a sexual way you’re exposing to someone else something that belongs to your very depths.”
Kurt’s definitely aroused by now, but before he jumps on Dave he wants to know more.
“But that was just you’re first boyfriend. You said you had two. Why did the first one ruin your sex life?”
Dave shrugs again. “Because what I got used to and came to desire is not something most guys want. I've have my fair share of one nightstands, but you can’t choke strangers. Sometimes I believe he actually knew he could awake that side of me, and that’s why he went after me.”
Kurt frowns, since it’s a pretty sad way to think. “I don’t think-”
“By some huge coincidence,” Dave quickly ignores what Kurt was about to say. “My second boyfriend was also into breath play. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Second boyfriend was even bolder than first one, but I guess we did fine.”
“I can’t imagine how it can get bolder.”
“Fainting games?”
“What?!”
“We did it only once,” Dave says, like he’s bothered about it.
“You choked him until he passed out?!” Kurt sits up straight, gaping at Dave.
“Hey, you asked!”
“I’m sorry! I’m not trying to be rude,” he replies, honestly. “I’m just... surprised, that’s all. It sounds… extreme.”
“Believe me, it is. It was his idea, not mine,” Dave sighs and continues. “He always wanted to try it, but he never trusted his previous partners enough. But since I did it so well...”
Even though Kurt knows he should be horrified to some extent, he’s actually curious. Not because he wants to try it, since it sounds terrifying, but seriously, how can you choke someone until they faint? How can you actually want to be choked until you faint?
“But why? I mean, I’m speaking out of ignorance in the subject, Dave. I’m just curious. I don’t want to be nosy or anything.”
“You don’t want to be nosy?” Dave asks, incredulous.
Kurt raises a brow. “Look who’s talking.”
Dave snorts. At least they can laugh about this now. “It never even crossed my mind that people did such a thing until I met him. He said it was a way… to commit with each other. After all, what says ‘I trust you’ more than letting someone choke you until you pass out, right?”
Dave actually sounds bitter about it, so Kurt doesn’t understand. “Was it bad? You don’t sound pleased.”
“It was scary. At the same time, I was confident that I wasn’t going to hurt him. Afterward I realized that it wasn’t really about trusting each other. He was confident in my skills and that I cared about him, and he wanted to make the sex more interesting. But I thought it meant something more about how we loved each other or some shit like that.”
Kurt feels actually sadden about those words. “You sound like neither of your exes really loved you.”
“I think didn't really love them, either,” Dave replies, not sounding very bothered about it. “We were just convenient to each other; I don’t resent them for that. It doesn’t mean I didn’t care about them, or that they didn’t care about me.”
They’re slowly creeping into yet another treacherous and sad subject -it seems that everything they talk about has a risky side - so Kurt has to act quickly.
“And how was it?” he asks, deciding that sticking to the sex part is the safest option. He can’t just radically change the topic of conversation and ask about the freaking weather.
“Making him pass out?”
“Well, duh!”
“Great, I guess. Incredibly hot since it was control at highest level. Pleasantly scary. It didn’t last long, for obvious reasons; as soon as he passed out I was already shaking him awake. According to him it was the best orgasm in his life.”
“But you did it only once.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I told you. For him it wasn’t about deepening our emotional connection or whatever. He just wanted mind-blowing orgasms. And I had a mind-blowing orgasm that time, too, but afterward, when I fully absorbed what I'd done, I kind of freaked out. 'Cause it’s a big freaking deal,” Dave states, firmly. “I mean, choking someone like that? Once I realized it meant something very different for him than it did for me, I never agreed to do it again.”
Kurt thinks about that. He remembers how the French call orgasms le petit morte, 'the little death'… but how freaking scary is losing your air until the lights go out? He starts getting what Dave means about the trust thing; you’re literally putting your life into someone else’s hands, trusting that they won't go too far and accidentally strangle you.
It’s actually terrifying.
Kurt should know. He doesn’t think he’ll ever forget that day when the asthma attack wouldn’t go away, how no medications were helping, how the oxygen in his veins was decreasing with every minute that went by, how the panic felt just before he fainted. Kurt did wake up, but he might not have.
It's not a perfect comparison, though. Kurt can’t decide when his asthma will cause him to stop breathing, he can only try to mitigate the effects. But it actually feels incredible to give Dave that control. Dave.
Kurt’s has been on his own, taking care of himself for almost three years and then Dave comes along and it’s good for a little while, to pass the control to him. It’s physically pleasant while they do it, just the way that Dave described. And the mere idea of doing something kinky makes it even more arousing.
But the more Kurt thinks about it, it starts turning scary because he has never given so much of himself in bed as he does with Dave, and it goes beyond the physical. It pleases Kurt to be someone Dave can take pleasure from. In spite of Dave’s roughness, Kurt never feels damaged, pained or distressed; if anything, he feels sexy, adventurous and taken care of, because with every delicious scratch, every bruise and every squeeze, Dave cherishes him.
But why does he trust Dave with such intimacy? Although he's not a stranger, it’s still Dave, and they’ve been together for not even two months now. Actually, that’s the thing. They haven’t been together; they just have a very stormy client-hooker relationship, and yet, he willingly gives Dave access to places that Kurt never allowed any of his lovers to even get near. Places that Kurt didn’t even know were hidden deep inside himself.
What the hell is he getting himself into? He mustn't take this so seriously, mustn't imagine there's something deeper between them. The truth is that there’s nothing between them other than sex, money, and the crap they dish out at each other.
“You shouldn’t let me do it,” Dave breaks the silence. “I do it without being aware of it sometimes, it’s almost a habit. And it’s hard not to do it when you ask me to, but I’d appreciate if you didn’t.”
Kurt stares at him, frowning. It’s almost like Dave was reading his mind, and he actually agrees. Kurt knows that this is a dangerous business, and not precisely because Dave might hurt him without meaning to. Yet, Kurt quickly grins at Dave, pretending he’s not having deep thoughts about this; he’s just the hooker, that’s all, just the whore who wants Dave to have a good time, nothing more. He's not ready to give up on this kink and the feelings it brings him, but there will be no more choking tonight. Dave said ‘it’s not okay to abuse it’ and since Dave knows more about this, Kurt doesn’t object. Yet, it doesn’t mean they have to stop having sex altogether and the night is young.
“I’m here to get you off,” Kurt states, using his best flirty tone of voice and sensually crawling onto Dave’s lap.
Dave laughs quietly. “I don’t need to choke you to get off.”
Dave holds him by his hips, but he’s staring at him with amused eyes and Kurt doesn’t like it in the slightest. It’s almost like Dave’s not taking him seriously.
“I know you like it, but...”
“But?”
Dave looks right into his eyes, and there’s no amusement in his gaze now. “But this is your pair of bright colored fuzzy furry handcuffs.”
Kurt blinks. Then he blinks again, because he didn’t expect Dave to say that. For a fraction of second he wants to argue, because Kurt’s not just a silly guy playing with fire, as Dave believes. But if he’s not, then what is he? Suddenly, Kurt’s not sure where he stands in this whole deal.
But he laughs, because Dave did a remarkable job at leaving him speechless. “Shut up,” Kurt says maturely, and since he doesn’t know what else to say, he kisses Dave.
*
When Kurt wakes up again it’s late morning. He’s quickly getting used to waking up alone in Dave’s apartment. As usual, it’s very warm, but Kurt’s starting to give up on being annoyed with Dave for turning the heat on for him.
Kurt stares at the alarm clock and it’s ten past eleven, so he grabs Dave’s cardigan yet again to cover his naked body and heads to the kitchen to get himself a coffee. He still has some time to have breakfast, take a bath and go back home to pick up his uniform for his shift at MetFood.
The money is in the dining table, but Kurt doesn’t even look at it. He gets his coffee and goes to the living room, where he sits on Dave’s comfortable couch and turns on the TV, not really paying attention on what’s on.
While he drinks his delicious coffee, Kurt decides not to think about the whole choking conversation; it’s pointless trying to find a deeper meaning in stuff that should not have any meaning at all. Instead, he thinks about Dave and lets himself feel pretty much victorious. In spite of his major screw up the other night, he and Dave are back together; Kurt smiles at that thought.
And they made a lot of progress: they joked about meddling in each other’s business. They talked about personal stuff casually and even deeply without arguing, yelling or wanting to smack each other.
Kurt feels that being attentive to Dave could work. Dave already looked better after their second round, so maybe Kurt can help a little to make Dave forget about whatever is that troubles him. Maybe Kurt can’t fix Dave’s life, but if he can give him a rest…
Kurt presses his lips together when they announce the weather forecast: 53 degrees. It’s quickly getting cold, but it could be much worse. He won’t defeat winter, but this year Kurt’s going to try to get through it better. He’s buying his brand new stove in three weeks.
Once he’s done with his coffee, Kurt washes the mug and then heads to the bathroom. He’s about to turn the faucets on when he notices that right on the end of the tub there’s a large display of bathing and body care products.
He rolls his eyes and laughs quietly, not having the strength to get mad at Dave for this.
“You bastard,” Kurt whispers, as he starts running the bath.
He takes some of the products, inspecting them. They all look very fancy. Even though he knows that they are all for him, Kurt finds it hard to choose one to start with. He feels like a kid in a candy store; he’s happy and excited because it’s been so long since he took such a quality bath. Far from wanting to strangle Dave for pampering him, Kurt is thankful and thrilled.
Of course, Kurt does his best not to notice that.