about trees and empty forests. chapter II.
Title: About trees and empty forests. Chapter 2.
Author: xonthefloor
Pairing: Dave Karofsky/Kurt Hummel.
Rating: R for language.
Warnings: Strip and lap dances. Misunderstood prostitution. Mentions of bulimia. Depression.
Spoilers: Season One and Two.
Beta: Ella Greggs!
Word Count: 78oo this chapter.
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama.
Disclaimer: Pfht, if I owned Glee, Blaine wouldn't be on it.
Summary: It’s been five years since Kurt Hummel and Dave Karofsky left Lima, following different paths. Now their lives are far from being what they dreamed for themselves and when they meet again, Dave mistakes Kurt for a hooker. Kurt doesn’t tell him different.
A/N: I started plotting this fic way before the Prom episode. So in this fic, Karofsky hasn't apologized yet.
Also, you'll notice that this is unbetaed, so I apologize in advance. English is not my first language. Any offers? I have to warn that the later chapters are quite long, since I can't never manage to write short chapters.
Chapter 2
The following day after his encounter with Karofsky, or rather Dave, Kurt stays in bed the whole day hating himself and he's so ashamed he can hardly stand it. To make matters worse, as expected, he's sore. No matter how hard he tries to stop thinking about what he did the previous night, he has bruises on his body, along with the ache coming from his backside, to remind him.
The encounter repeats over and over in his head, but still Kurt can't find any explanation for his behavior. He’s only been in three serious relationships in his life, and because those were serious, his ex-boyfriends are the only people Kurt has ever slept with. Blaine during his senior year of high school; then Christian, a cute barista from the café where Kurt used to have breakfast before class during his first year at Parsons; and then Francis, a classmate who got into the same Prada internship program as Kurt.
All of them equally sweet, handsome, romantic and patient with him. So maybe they didn't make love as often as other couples. Maybe it wasn't as hot and exciting as perhaps it should have been. Kurt has never been able to feel fully comfortable with sex. His ex-boyfriends always told him it didn't bother them, it was no big deal, they adored him anyway.
Of course, that was all bullshit. When Blaine dumped him and immediately started dating Sebastian, the biggest whore at Dalton Academy, Kurt found it hard to believe sex (both quality and quantity) was not the issue. Later, Kurt found out Blaine had been cheating with Sebastian behind his back for several weeks before their breakup. It was obvious then that while Kurt had moved Blaine, Sebastian had also moved Blaine, but in an entirely different way.
But Blaine was a douche and Kurt got over him; especially after he met Christian, another handsome, elegant and outgoing guy, working his way through med school as a barista. He was smart and funny and - just like Blaine - he loved all the things that Kurt loved. They had so much in common… Kurt felt so lucky. They were together for almost a year.
The sex was just as plain as it had been with Blaine. Kurt still couldn't feel particularly sexy or interesting in bed, but his second boyfriend didn't seem to mind. Christian never complained that he was some kind of cold fish, so Kurt felt better about himself.
That was, of course, until the day Kurt found several explicit texts on Christian's BlackBerry from different guys he was sleeping with. And Kurt wasn't even checking on his boyfriend's phone; Kurt never mistrusted him. But they had had a fight that morning and Kurt had texted him something he instantly regretted, so he went to the café where Christian worked and apologized for their fight. Then, while Christian wasn't paying attention, Kurt took his boyfriend's phone to delete the text he had sent earlier.
Kurt smiled with relief when he found his own text unread. His smile faded quickly though when he saw the next text, saying something like 'Can't wait to feel your cock again, and it's only been a day without it'.
Kurt instantly thought he had a rival but he was wrong; there was no lover. Christian just had a hell of a lot of random one-night nightstands.
Francis was just the same as Blaine and Christian, but with an extra cold heart, since Francis never once visited him while he was in the hospital, even though they’d been together six months. By way of excuse, Francis said he was afraid of catching something from him. After such extreme neglect, Kurt wasn't even surprised when he got discharged and learned that Francis was cheating on him with the slutty hair-dresser from the photography department at Prada. And he was more numb than hurt when he found himself without a job, because Francis had taken advantage of Kurt's long absence to maneuver himself into the permanent position at the fashion house that Kurt would surely otherwise have gotten.
But Kurt had more urgent things to worry about than being dumped for the third time in the very same way. He had to find a new place to live, a new job (which turned out to be two jobs), and figure out how to pay an enormous medical bill.
His love life ended there. Kurt hadn't even dated after Francis.
It was impossible for Kurt not to think that there was clearly something wrong with him. Well, not entirely. Just the sex part, because all his boyfriends seemed to genuinely like him otherwise. When they weren't in bed, Blaine, Christian and Francis each had a great time being with him. So okay, Kurt wasn't particularly alluring or adventurous in bed. But isn't a bad sex life something that a couple should work out together? Instead, all his ex-boyfriends seemed to agree that Kurt was a hopeless case, convincing him the sex wasn't important while they fulfilled all their needs with other, more exciting men.
Sex was a curse. The ironic thing was that Kurt didn't even enjoy it that much. Jerking off got him the same results without all the complications. So Kurt stopped analyzing it and focused on dealing with his other problems.
But now Kurt found himself thinking about sex for the first time since being dumped by his last boyfriend over two years earlier.
What the hell have I done?
All the things Kurt thought he would never do in his life, he did them all in once. Spontaneous sex, sex in a public place, sex against a wall, rough sex, sex with a virtual stranger… he behaved like the sluttiest French whore and he can hardly stand the shame he feels.
There are bruises in his hips and hickeys on his neck. So Kurt hates himself even more because he has to spend money he doesn't have on make-up to conceal the evidence of his inexplicable depravity, even though he'd like to forget about it and pretend he never acted like such a needy slut. The next night at the VIP, he's tense the entire time, not knowing if Dave Karofsky will show up again. Maybe he would; maybe he'd ask for Kurt, expecting sex again, and Kurt doesn't want to deal with such an embarrassing situation. Kurt's mind wouldn't be clouded by whatever it was that clouded his judgment the night before, and Kurt would refuse.
But Dave doesn't show up and Kurt returns to his apartment on Sunday morning relieved.
By Tuesday, Kurt manages to accept his aberrant slutty behavior and stops beating himself up, since he can't change the past. His thoughts move from himself to a certain Dave Karofsky. Every time Kurt thinks about him, he feels a mix of resentment and inexplicable longing.
In all honesty, Kurt stopped being mad at Dave years ago. Even back in high school, alongside despising him, Kurt also pitied him. Sure, the jock scared, tormented and upset him, but Kurt couldn't hate Karofsky per se. After that disturbing kiss in the locker room, it was obvious that Karofsky was deeply troubled by his own sexuality. Eventually, after not seeing each other for years, Karofsky became just a blurry bad memory in Kurt's life.
Now when he thinks about Dave, Kurt keeps on calling him exactly that: Dave. It feels foreign but natural at the same time, and Kurt wonders why Dave decided that night to call him 'Kurt' for the first time ever. Back in high school, Kurt even wondered if the jock knew his given name, since he was always 'Hummel' or 'Fancy' or those other horrible nick names that Dave used to make fun of him. After last Saturday, one thing is for sure - regardless of whether Karofsky is 'out' or still in the closet, he's at least accepted being gay enough to have sex with men.
Dave's image from Saturday night is inked in his cornea. He looked just like he did when they were in high school and Kurt feels self-conscious when he thinks about that. Kurt didn't have the chance to take a close look, since they were face to face for only a couple of seconds and then… well, Kurt spent most of their time together with Dave behind him… but he couldn't help noticing the other guy hadn't aged a bit.
In contrast, Kurt feels old. He thinks it's not fair. The last time they'd seen each other years ago, Kurt was still a fashionista with flawless skin and perfect hair. Dave was wearing that ugly letterman jacket with bad jeans and ugly sneakers, but Kurt surely must have had on an outfit taken from a designer runway. Yet last Saturday Dave looked just fine in tasteful casual clothes, while Kurt was wearing cheap tight pants, a very fitted slutty tee, and tight high stripper boots. Kurt always loved high boots, but the ones he uses for work were found in a second handed clothing store and he swears they belonged to some hooker; and just like the rest of his clothes, everything was worn out.
They didn't have time to catch up, for obvious reasons, and Kurt blushes for the hundredth time in the last three days. But anyway, Dave is not a person that Kurt would invite to chat over a cup of coffee about what they've been up to during the last five years. Karofsky was not a friend. And it's not like he's particularly curious about what Karofsky has been doing with his life.
Dave Karofsky found out that he's a stripper. That's pretty terrible, but Kurt believes that meeting any of his former Glee friends would have been beyond humiliating. It would have been much worse running into someone like Rachel Berry, Blaine Anderson or Mercedes Jones and having to explain to them how his life went to hell.
Wednesday arrives, and for some reason Kurt wakes up with throbbing morning wood, which is odd since he wasn't even having a sex dream. But he lazily jerks off in bed and afterward, as he lays there trying to regain enough strength get up and shower, he realizes it's the first time in a long time that he's had two orgasms in less than a week.
Still laying in bed, Kurt's mind is suddenly filled once again with memories of his encounter with Dave, but this time Kurt thinks solely about the sex itself. He doesn't think about why he acted like a slut, or why he had sex in a public place, or why he let Dave fuck him like that. Kurt instead thinks about Dave's mouth in his neck, and how weird it was that Dave's rough hands felt so good as their roamed his body.
Kurt is not sure if it was because of the lack of sex in his life that Dave fucking him hard and rough felt so great, but Lord, it really did feel great. The entire time in that booth, Dave kept him hard and turned on by doing things with him that Kurt has never done before.
Kurt wouldn't have allowed one of his ex-boyfriends to push him against a wall and fuck him hard and fast, like they were some desperate animals needing to mate. But last Saturday, he couldn't stop himself.
Everything Dave did to him felt -physically- right. Rationally, it was not acceptable for Kurt, but his body loved every one of Dave's rough attentions. It's like once he shut his brain off, he discovered a whole new side of sex that he didn't know before - sex in its most primal form, a form that was pure pleasure.
Kurt could never reach that point with his ex-boyfriends. With each of them, Kurt was constantly thinking while having sex - if he looked hot enough, if he was doing it right, if he was pleasing his partner, etc. And his ex-boyfriends were never rough with him; they always understood that to him, sex was part of romance, a way to connect on a deeper level with the ones he loved. Yet his boyfriends never really loved him, since they decided to cheat on him, so that idea is quite absurd. And what would his ex-boyfriends have thought about him if he acted like a whore? Probably that he was one.
Kurt blinks at that thought. Maybe if he had acted more like a slut, they wouldn't have cheated on him with sluts.
Kurt lifts his tee, uncovering his hipbones, and finds the bruises that Dave left printed on his skin. His skin always bruised easily, and these are almost fading, luckily. Kurt did his best to ignore them during the past few days, but now Kurt's fingers rest over the dark spots on his skin, recalling Dave's hands gripping his hips tightly, and he starts growing hard again.
He ignores his modesty and his good judgment and lets himself get turned on by the memories of his encounter with Dave.
Kurt comes hard for the second time that morning, and if coming twice within five days was something Kurt hasn't experienced in years, coming three times is huge! He forces himself not to feel guilty about jerking off to the memory of a fuck he regrets and is ashamed of; Kurt decides he has a right to feel good, at least for five minutes, so he lingers in his post orgasm bliss, relaxed and content.
When you are poor, you don't get trips around the world, fancy cars and designer clothes… you don't get much stuff to enjoy. When you are poor, you have to take pleasure in what you can get. Food, for example. Kurt can't pay for gourmet meals or organic produce; sometimes he can't even buy enough food, like during winter when he has to skip days at work because he's sick and the money grows short. So Kurt's learned to love the pleasure that junk food provides, because junk food is something he can afford once in a while.
Then sex. Well, not sex, but coming. Kurt always found sex way too complicated to enjoy. Coming, though, is relaxing and pleasing and he can do it by himself. Coming is cost-free.
He should jerk off more often.
Kurt's nervous to be back at the VIP Club on Thursday, but Dave doesn't show up. Kurt wonders if Dave was there on any of the previous nights -the nights that Kurt has off - looking for him. It's a stupid thought; why would Dave want to see him again? They weren't friends before, and everything that happened that night screamed random sex. Kurt's not an expert, but he assumes that the whole point of having sex with strangers is precisely that, to be strangers having sex. Random sex is not a jumping off point for getting to know someone.
Dave doesn't appear at the club on Friday night either, and Kurt finally stops being on edge. He decides to forget all about what went down in that dirty booth.
On Saturday Kurt calls his father and, as usual, his dad talks about all the things he did that week, what Carole has been up to, and what she cooked last night. Even if his dad is not telling him anything new or exciting, Kurt's heart aches in longing. At some other time, Kurt might consider his father's talk boring, but right now he doesn't. Kurt holds his old iPhone tight, missing his family terribly. He tries not to think too much about how desperately he wants to go back to Lima; he tries to ignore how much he'd like to stay with his family forever, maybe even move back in with his parents so he can see them every day, even for just a little while, to compensate for all the time they've been apart. Or about how he'd give anything to be able to settle down in the town he used to hate and live a quiet life working at his father's garage.
If he thinks too much about all the things he wants but can't have, Kurt wouldn't be able to get up in the morning and he has too many debts to pay to stay at home moping. But sometimes it seems harder to ignore his longing than other times. This Saturday, Kurt is so worn out he can't even muster the strength to lie about the supposed 'busy being successful' week he had. So he just stays quiet, letting his father do most of the talking, afraid that if he opens his mouth a sob will come out.
The pressure in his chest remains the entire day; Kurt misses his family too much. His home town, his house and … maybe not his old friends in particular, since he hasn't heard a word from any of them in several years, but he misses having friends in general. Being alone and all by himself seems suddenly harder to bear today than any other day.
He's sitting behind the register halfway through his shift at Met Food when the image of Dave returns to his mind. His lips curve upwards just slightly and the pressure inside his chest eases at the same time that his pulse quickens. The warm, weird feeling he had when he saw Dave for the first time in The VIP is back.
A familiar face. In spite of everything, Dave was a familiar face, and it was soothing, even comforting on some strange level.
Kurt gets swept up in his thoughts, not needing to concentrate in his job since it's so repetitive he basically works on autopilot.
He can't deny anymore that seeing Dave felt good. Just seeing him; Kurt wasn't expecting to have sex with him, but for a half-a-second, amid the huge mix of feelings that assaulted Kurt, he felt good.
It's almost pathetic. How lonely he must feel to be almost happy about meeting Dave Karofsky, of all people? Kurt usually never considers how lonely he feels, because he's alone and that's the way it is. To complain would be like complaining because his hair is dark or because the sky is blue.
But having met Dave, it's like now Kurt feels the weight of his solitude and it's devastating. Obviously, he's so miserable that seeing someone he used to despise was nice.
He thinks about Dave the rest of the day and that night when he's at The VIP, for the first time since last Saturday night, Kurt looks around for Dave, not to avoid him but hoping to see him again. Maybe he wouldn't even approach him; Kurt would be fine if he could at least see Dave's familiar face once more. The shitty past he had with Dave doesn't matter; Kurt has a pretty shitty present and all the things that happened between him and his former bully all those years ago seem meaningless now. Kurt wishes his troubles were having a closet case bully pushing him around, instead of fearing to fall ill or being unable to pay his bills.
Kurt's really sick of being alone. He hadn't realized that until now, when he thinks about Dave. All he has now in his life are circumstantial people from two jobs he wishes he didn't have. Sure, Kurt is cordial towards them, but they are not friends. Neither are his neighbors.
Kurt doesn't talk with any of them about his life, his dreams and his worries, and neither do these people talk about these subjects with him. All they know about him is his name, that he's quite broke and that he gets sick often. He just wants to be with someone; not a partner or anything romantic. Kurt is not tired of being single; he's just tired of being alone. Just to have someone there, to talk with or to keep company or simply to be there; that's what Kurt wants.
Dave doesn't show up on Saturday, either, and Kurt returns to his place disappointed. In the solitude of his apartment, a wave of sadness assaults him and he cries until he can't breathe, having to use his inhaler to expand his lungs. It's not like he wanted to see Dave that badly, of course. It's just he wishes he hadn't met Dave a week before, so he wouldn't be reminded of how lonely he is and how much he wants to have a better life. A life like the one he used to have before coming to New York.
Kurt has more trouble than usual breathing properly during his sleep, and wakes up on Sunday afternoon grumpy and annoyed. He blames it on the distressed state in which he fell asleep, and decides to stop moping around.
His neighbor Chantal offers him some left-over casserole, and Kurt gladly accepts. Home-cooked food is his new organic, and Chantal is an incredibly good cook. His full stomach puts him in a better mood, and every time thoughts of Lima or his parents or Dave pop into his head, Kurt quickly dismisses them.
Sunday night in The VIP is exhausting, but Kurt doesn't work the following night and that helps him get through his shift. He performs and gives a handful of lap-dances, so when the night ends, he has more money in his pocket and that makes him feel a little better. He has to work in Met Food in the morning, of course, but he looks forward to his Monday night off and the chance to take a break from sleazy guys patting his ass, at least for a couple of days.
Dave doesn't show up that night either, so when Kurt is in the staff room getting ready to go back home, he figures Dave is not coming back and he tells himself that's a good thing. Now these thoughts about Dave and his life in Lima will stop haunting him, at least for a while.
*
The morning is a bit chilly, but Dave is too warm inside his car so he turns the heating off. He's nervous. Lord, he's so nervous, but he can't stand himself anymore.
He thought that having sex with Kurt would provide some sort of closure for him. It made sense that night, right before he had Kurt almost handed to him on a silver platter. But the reality is that he didn't really have time to think about what he was getting himself into when the bartender of The VIP offered him 'some fun' with Kurt.
Everything happened too fast; he had way too many things going on inside his head and obviously he made the wrong decision.
Before that night, Dave hardly ever thought about Kurt. Sure, he thought about Kurt once in a while, but not in a romantic or sexual way. His occasionally wet dreams are an entirely different thing; those are the result of feelings left over from his former crush on the boy. And okay, Kurt always comes to mind when he's failing on his diet. So what if he used to look at himself in the mirror, thinking "No reason why he didn't want you." That thought was and is completely reasonable, and it didn't imply that he wanted to be with Kurt. In fact, that thought helped him get over Kurt back then and stop wondering how life would be if he could be with Kurt, since that was never going to happen. After all, he was the complete opposite of that preppy boy Kurt dated, and that's what Kurt wanted in a guy. When he was a teenager, Kurt's presence worsened all his insecurities. Dave hated Kurt for that, even if it wasn't Kurt's fault that he was such a closet case, so fat, so ugly and so dumb.
Dave accepted that and got over Kurt long ago. Way too long ago to find himself years later thinking about the guy again. Now things have changed; Dave has left his parents and his home town, he's an independent young man. He has a well paying job, a small but nice apartment that belongs to him, money in his pocket and most of all, he's free to do whatever he wants. If he wants to take a guy to his place, if he wants to buy something, if he wants to move or change jobs, he doesn't have to ask anyone’s permission. He's aware that he has some shitty self-esteem issues, but after all, he is fat, and he does sweat too much, and he's not super attractive, so he thinks he has the right to feel bad about that every now and then.
Aside from that, Dave's life was going pretty smoothly. Boring and lonely, but smoothly. Yet, it took one stupid second to make the wrong decision and turn everything upside down.
Having Kurt was somehow supposed to help Dave forget about him once and for all. Being able to taste what he had wanted for so long should have made it easier for Dave to put a real end to his stupid school crush. That didn't happen, though. Instead, he got a small taste Kurt and far from bringing him closure, it's only made Dave want more.
It just wasn't enough. And it was all wrong. It wasn't meant to happen that way. He had dreamed and longed and hoped for Kurt for years when he was younger, and never did he imagine that the two of them being together would involve fucking Kurt against the wall of a dirty fucking booth after paying seventy bucks to do it.
It shouldn't matter, since it's not like they were going to meet again at some point of their lives and somehow Dave was going to win Kurt over, making him fall in love with him.
But even if that was never going to happen, it didn't mean that Dave wanted this for himself or for Kurt.
The truth is that he's fucking clueless about almost everything. It's been a week and Dave can't wrap his brain around the fact that someone like Kurt became a hooker. The whole universe must be fucked up if God, life, fate or whatever it was allowed that to happen. It’s obvious that Kurt is not the person he used to be in high school, when Dave was head over heels for the boy. Back then, Kurt was everything that Dave wanted, everything that Dave wanted to be, and everything that Dave was not. Dave is pretty sure he fell out love with Kurt years ago. He's almost positive that he didn't fall in love with Kurt all over again last week, since Kurt now is obviously different from the Kurt Dave knew when they were teens. Dave doesn't know this Kurt.
You just don't fall for a person you don't know.
But to his heart, none of that makes any difference.
This is for sure not the Kurt he used to be in love with, but it's Kurt nonetheless and Kurt was and always has been his weakest spot. Loving or not loving him, Dave aches for Kurt again, and that night that he could taste him it wasn't enough. Dave wants more, even if he knows he shouldn't. The wanting, the constant nervousness, the warmth in his chest along with the ache of his stomach are all back again and Dave can hardly deal with it.
Dave wants Kurt for longer than ten minutes. Dave wants Kurt in his house, in his bed, willingly and not for money. Dave wants to spend all the time he can with Kurt, just staring at him or listening to him, and Dave wants to know this Kurt whose life is so different from the one he thought Kurt was destined to have…
And he shouldn't. Kurt is a hooker now, and who falls in love with a hooker? This is probably for the best. Deep down inside, Dave knows he should stay away from him, because what if Kurt turns out to be as incredible as he used to be? It took Dave a long time to get over Kurt; if he gets to know Kurt now and finds out that, in spite of his obviously bad present, Kurt is as perfect and flawless as he used to be, Dave will be once again be in deep shit, because just like before, Kurt will be perfect and Dave won't be good enough for him. Yet Kurt is now within his reach, and Dave finds himself in the same dilemma he found himself in a week before. Dave is disgusted by the knowledge that anyone can have Kurt for just seventy bucks, but that also means Dave could have Kurt again, as many times as he's willing to pay for. Kurt is right there to be taken and it's just too tempting, Dave can't help wanting Kurt for himself. That night wasn't enough, it hasn't brought closure. It was like opening the freaking Pandora's box. It's not just the sex, even if memories of the rushed sex they had have been haunting Dave's mind the entire week. It was wrong and dirty, but at the same time it was one of the hottest things Dave has ever experienced. He still can't believe how tight Kurt was, probably the tightest guy Dave has ever fucked, and he feels like shit knowing he hurt Kurt at first. But how the fuck was he was supposed to know that Kurt was going to be painfully tight? He's a hooker. Doesn't he get like lots of clients? Someone as hot as Kurt would, right?
Dave shivers at that thought. He hates thinking that Kurt has to fuck guys for a living, and it pains him that he became one of those guys.
But Dave needed to be something to Kurt, and it was either client or nothing. He made Kurt come, though, and that makes him feel slightly better. He's sure that if Kurt has to fuck who knows how many times every night, he doesn't really get any pleasure from that. Dave's never been with a hooker, and he has never talked with people who have, either, but he assumes that people who pay for sex don't bother much about pleasuring the person they are paying to pleasure them.
He's not sure about how much money hookers charge for their services, but Dave believes that seventy bucks is almost insulting. As insulting as the fact that Kurt has to make money that way in the first place. That must be what's going on, right? If Kurt is prostituting himself, he must be desperate for money. So if Dave paid more, whatever Kurt asked, could Dave get more of Kurt's time? It's not such a far out idea; Dave is not expecting Kurt to pretend to love him, or even like him, just because Dave pays. He only wants one night, a real night with Kurt in his place, in a real bed. In a place with lights so Dave can admire every inch of Kurt's body, in a place where the music is not deafening so he can listen to Kurt's soft voice.
Kurt might prefer that, too. Even though Dave would still be just a client, Kurt might prefer to… work some place besides that dirty and depressing club, in that ugly wooden booth. Dave has a nice apartment and a comfortable bed and he'd treat Kurt like royalty, the way he deserves to be treated.
So Dave finds himself again acting like a creeper. He's not staking Kurt per se. He's just sitting in his parked car, watching people leaving the VIP Club place through his rear view mirror.
Dave didn't feel comfortable approaching Kurt in The VIP, so he figured he could catch him while leaving the place. It is a little stalkerish, Dave has to admit, but it's not like he has a lot of ways to get in touch with Kurt.
Dave has been waiting outside The VIP for the last three hours - he didn't know at what time the place closed - and now that it's almost seven in the morning, he's worried Kurt might have left early, or not even worked last night at all. Dave still waits, though. He has to be in the office at nine, so he dressed in his suit, in case he had to go straight to work after - maybe - getting to talk with Kurt.
But the club shut its doors at six, all the customers are long gone and now the club is closed. He grows anxious when he spots the doors opening, and even more when he sees a few guys leaving the place.
He orders to himself to calm the fuck down. Kurt must not have worked last night, or maybe he left before Dave arrived. Dave could be almost hyperventilating for nothing.
But then, Dave sees him.
Kurt exits The VIP, along with two other guys. Dave watches in his rear view mirror as Kurt says goodbye to the other guys. Dave grows even more nervous when he realizes Kurt has turned around and is now walking, all by himself, in the same direction where Dave's car is parked.
It's the perfect moment. Kurt is there, alone, and Dave just has to approach him. But Dave can hardly move; his eyes are fixed in Kurt's image in his rear view mirror and Kurt looks… so different. Dave still remembers how Kurt strutted around McKinley's hallways in his expensive and flashy clothes with his head held high, like he was superior to everyone… Now Kurt is just a regular guy in jeans and a blue jacket, carrying a backpack. He's hugging himself, and he has his neck buried between his shoulders like he's cold.
It's a big deal. It could seem stupid or meaningless to other people, but this change in Kurt's walk... it's painful for Dave to watch. He has no clue about what happened to Kurt, but the boy who used to glide through the world full of confidence and superiority, making everyone turn around to watch him, now seems vulnerable and fragile, walking with his chin almost pressed against his chest, like he's trying to pass unnoticed.
Kurt passes by Dave's car and Dave blinks, trying to step out of his trance. It's now or never.
"Wait! Kurt!"
Kurt turns around when he hears someone call his name, and his eyes go wide in surprise when he sees none other than Dave Karofsky approaching him. Kurt doesn't know what to say or do, so he stays still, trying to figure this out. It was just yesterday that he resolved that Dave Karofsky disappearing from his life was something good, but now the man is standing next to him and Kurt feels like he can't breathe, and it's not because of his breathing issues.
Just in case, Kurt sneaks his hand inside his pocket, holding his inhaler.
Dave is there, but this time he's wearing a nice fitting and sober suit. It makes him look classier and more grown up, but if Dave's wearing an office suit, clearly he's doing better than himself. Even if he can't afford good clothes, Kurt can tell that Dave's suit is not cheap at all.
Kurt tries not to be bitter. Even the guy who sells hot dogs on the street corner across from the club is doing better than himself. Neither that guy nor Dave have to undress in public for a living.
Still, Kurt's heart grows warm at the familiarity of his presence.
"Hey," Kurt says sheepishly, because Dave is right there and it reminds him of what they did last weekend. Kurt is still ashamed of himself.
Dave takes a deep breath. "Hey. Sorry if I'm bothering you," he says, sounding troubled.
Kurt shrugs. "I was just heading home."
He really doesn't have much to say. Also, Dave is the one who came looking for him at seven in the morning on a Monday, so Kurt guesses that before figuring out how to act in front of Dave, he should find out why Dave is here. It's nice to see him though, and he wonders if there's any way to be able to do this, pretend that they didn't have sex. Would Dave let that pass? Kurt might like to see him again, under different circumstances. Kurt would like to hang out with someone. Once again, Dave doesn't look threatening. In addition, Dave already knows the dark part of Kurt's life, so not having to hide himself from someone that used to know him, it makes Kurt feel much lighter. The burden is gone, at least between the two of them.
"I... I-" Dave sighs frustrated, like he's having trouble finding the words. "Listen, I just… wanted to make you an offer."
Kurt frowns. "An offer?"
Dave nods. "I was wondering if you'd spend the whole night with me, at my place."
Kurt blinks, frozen on the spot. What did he just say? Kurt's out of words. His mouth moves silently at first, not being able to let out a sound, until he finally speaks. "I'm sorry?"
"I'll pay you more than what you get in here for a customer. Twice or three times, or anything you want," Dave hurries to say, leaving Kurt stupefied.
"What?"
But then, Kurt's eyes open widely.
Oh, Lord, no.
His blood turns cold when realization hits and a billion thoughts cross Kurt's mind in less than a second. Dave thinks he's a hooker? Kurt blushes furiously and remains unable to say a word. Dave actually thinks he's a hooker? It's humiliating! Kurt doesn't know what's worse, Dave maybe believing he's a slut or Dave believing he's a freaking prostitute!
And God, even Kurt gets it! Why would Dave think differently? He paid for a private lap dance and they ended up having sex. Maybe now he thinks 'dancer' is code for 'prostitute' and 'private lap dance' is code for 'sex with the dancer/prostitute in a booth'.
Jesus Christ, Dave thinks guys have sex with him after paying seventy bucks? Kurt would be the cheapest whore! How bizarre is the fact that Kurt is probably the most celibate guy in New York City and Dave thinks he's a hooker?
"I'm… I-" Kurt mumbles, still at a loss for words.
"We'll be more comfortable," Dave offers, obviously trying to sell this deal to him. "The other night was… awkward, at least for me it was. I guess it's something normal for you," he says, sounding at little upset and Kurt only stares at him, trying to figure out if he should be offended or… something.
"I'm sorry," Kurt tells him. "I'm not really-"
"Just one night," Dave cuts him off. "Anytime you can."
Kurt gives Dave a long stare. He wanted to see Dave again; he also hoped they could avoid the sex thing. Kurt longs to be with someone, even more someone familiar to him. In spite of their history together, in spite of the one night stand, Dave seems different and maybe it wasn't so bad if they saw each other again.
And now, Dave wants him that way again, which is ridiculous. Kurt doesn't know what to do and he knows he has to say something.
He's very much trapped.
Because if Kurt corrects Dave, what could Kurt say? 'Sorry, I'm not a hooker for real. That was just me being a slut. I don't blame you for not being able to tell the difference.'
Kurt swallows hard.
His pride is already too wounded. Kurt has to tell Dave that he's not a hooker, he's aware of that. But having to say aloud something that shames him so badly, it bothers Kurt. He doesn't want to let Dave know that he willingly threw himself into his arms the first chance he got, letting him fuck him against a wall.
Sure, Dave doesn't seem to be the same man he used to, but it's still Dave Karofsky, his former bully and he's almost a stranger to him. Kurt doesn't want Dave to think that he has some kind of power over him. Even if Kurt did fall under some sort of spell that night, for some reason that is beyond his comprehension.
The positive thing about Dave's false impression - if there's anything positive about it - is that Kurt can wash his hands of any personal responsibility. After all, if he's supposedly a hooker, he had sex with Dave because he had to and not because he wanted to.
"Kurt?"
Kurt blinks. He still hasn't said anything and he still doesn't know what to say. "I'm sorry," he mumbles. "This is just a bit… odd."
'Odd' does not even begin to describe this situation, but Kurt is not feeling very eloquent right now.
Dave presses his lips together, looking almost disappointed. "I'm sorry. This is probably not a regular thing to you."
"At all," Kurt mutters, and he suddenly starts feeling a pressure on his chest that grows more unbearable with every second that passes.
This is a huge mess, and Kurt is not fixing it. Now Dave is standing just a few feet in front to him, in a nice fitting suit and with a disappointed face that actually makes Kurt feel terrible. Did Dave want so badly to see him? Well, no. Dave wanted to have sex with him again, which is not the same. But they are standing in front of each other, not saying a word, as if they are both trying to figure out how to escape this awkward moment that seems to dishearten the both of them for very different reasons.
Dave is right there, Dave freaking Karofsky, and Kurt is so lonely that his mere presence makes him feel a little accompanied. He's so damn lonely that this proximity to someone who used to know him from his better days seems huge.
"I- I h-have," Kurt stutters, not realizing that he's actually speaking and catching Dave's attention. "I work most nights in here, except Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays."
His words are out before he can even think about what he's saying. But then the rest happens in a blur, Kurt being way too dumbstruck about what he just did.
Kurt gives Dave his phone number and Dave saves it in his flashy BlackBerry. Kurt doesn't take his iPhone out of his pocket. The screen is cracked in half, but it still works and Kurt can't afford a new phone, and in the end it's just a phone. Still, he doesn't want Dave to see what bad shape it's in, or learn anything more about his shitty life. He tells Dave he forgot his phone at his place.
Dave assures him that he'll call to 'arrange something' and Kurt humors him, assuring himself that he won't answer such a call but deep inside knowing that he will.
They say goodbye to each other and Kurt makes his way to the bus stop. He's shocked, upset, and mad at himself. Kurt wants to cry, but he doesn't; he keeps on walking.
It's mostly his fault, not to say all of it. He could have stopped Dave when he made his first move at The VIP; God knows Kurt never lets anyone get too friendly with him, and anyone who even tries gets his ass kicked by The VIP's bouncer. Kurt didn't stop Dave though. In fact, Kurt went with it very willingly and excitedly.
There's something about Dave that clearly clouds Kurt's judgment. Is he really so needy for affection that he lets his former bully approach him like this? Christ, Kurt didn't even give Dave a fake number!
Kurt holds his head high as he tries to grow some backbone. So what? Maybe he does want to spend time with another human being, just for a change. He's been by his own for the last two years, so yes, maybe he's freaking tired of being alone and spending time with Dave doesn't sound like such a terrible idea.
He knows he's playing it down, but he needs to hold on to some excuse, otherwise he'll fall to pieces for being so pathetic. The truth is that if Kurt really takes Dave's call and they arrange to meet, Kurt will be spending the night at Dave's place, having sex with him and getting paid for it, which is beyond humiliating. As humiliating as letting someone who used to torment you think that you're a hooker, so you can spend time with that person.
He is pathetic. It depresses him, because at the end of the day he can lie to Dave Karofsky and let him think whatever he wants, but Kurt can't lie to himself.
Kurt's bus arrives and he decides to stop thinking about it, even if he knows it will be hard. Once he gets a seat on the bus, he feels his broken phone vibrating in his pocket and Kurt jumps in his place. He carefully checks his phone, holding his breath as if this ruined piece of technology suddenly morphed into a bomb ready to explode.
It's just a text: 'This is Dave. Just wanted to give you my number. We'll be in touch.'
Kurt presses his lips together. He's about to reply to the message but then he remembers that his phone is supposedly at his place, so he doesn't. But he curses himself, realizing that he was about to text a simple 'Okay'. He wasn't even thinking about it; he wasn't even questioning this whole situation.
He's doing way too many things without thinking. Kurt feels like he's drifting, and Dave's presence in his life is the turning tide. For whatever reason, Dave leads the way and Kurt follows, and what's worse is that Dave is not even playing games with him. But still Kurt feels boneless and empty, floating in the air and Dave is the blowing wind taking Kurt to all the wrong places.
Kurt sighs, putting his phone back to his pocket. Whatever happens will happen, and Kurt will deal with it when it does. He's not sure which way the wind will blow. But Kurt never knows. If there's one thing that rules Kurt's life, it is uncertainty; he can't predict exactly how much money he'll make, or if he's going to have an asthma attack, or if he's going to be able to cancel his debts. He never knows how many customers he'll have each night, or if he'll fall ill again. He never knows what life is going to throw at him.
Kurt is up to Dave now. Maybe that's not something so bad. Life has knocked Kurt down plenty of times and this time for a change, when Kurt falls, he'll fall next to someone. There will be another body next to him when he hits the ground.
And that's more than the nothing he's had for the last couple of years.
Author: xonthefloor
Pairing: Dave Karofsky/Kurt Hummel.
Rating: R for language.
Warnings: Strip and lap dances. Misunderstood prostitution. Mentions of bulimia. Depression.
Spoilers: Season One and Two.
Beta: Ella Greggs!
Word Count: 78oo this chapter.
Genre: Romance/Angst/Drama.
Disclaimer: Pfht, if I owned Glee, Blaine wouldn't be on it.
Summary: It’s been five years since Kurt Hummel and Dave Karofsky left Lima, following different paths. Now their lives are far from being what they dreamed for themselves and when they meet again, Dave mistakes Kurt for a hooker. Kurt doesn’t tell him different.
A/N: I started plotting this fic way before the Prom episode. So in this fic, Karofsky hasn't apologized yet.
Also, you'll notice that this is unbetaed, so I apologize in advance. English is not my first language. Any offers? I have to warn that the later chapters are quite long, since I can't never manage to write short chapters.
Chapter 2
The following day after his encounter with Karofsky, or rather Dave, Kurt stays in bed the whole day hating himself and he's so ashamed he can hardly stand it. To make matters worse, as expected, he's sore. No matter how hard he tries to stop thinking about what he did the previous night, he has bruises on his body, along with the ache coming from his backside, to remind him.
The encounter repeats over and over in his head, but still Kurt can't find any explanation for his behavior. He’s only been in three serious relationships in his life, and because those were serious, his ex-boyfriends are the only people Kurt has ever slept with. Blaine during his senior year of high school; then Christian, a cute barista from the café where Kurt used to have breakfast before class during his first year at Parsons; and then Francis, a classmate who got into the same Prada internship program as Kurt.
All of them equally sweet, handsome, romantic and patient with him. So maybe they didn't make love as often as other couples. Maybe it wasn't as hot and exciting as perhaps it should have been. Kurt has never been able to feel fully comfortable with sex. His ex-boyfriends always told him it didn't bother them, it was no big deal, they adored him anyway.
Of course, that was all bullshit. When Blaine dumped him and immediately started dating Sebastian, the biggest whore at Dalton Academy, Kurt found it hard to believe sex (both quality and quantity) was not the issue. Later, Kurt found out Blaine had been cheating with Sebastian behind his back for several weeks before their breakup. It was obvious then that while Kurt had moved Blaine, Sebastian had also moved Blaine, but in an entirely different way.
But Blaine was a douche and Kurt got over him; especially after he met Christian, another handsome, elegant and outgoing guy, working his way through med school as a barista. He was smart and funny and - just like Blaine - he loved all the things that Kurt loved. They had so much in common… Kurt felt so lucky. They were together for almost a year.
The sex was just as plain as it had been with Blaine. Kurt still couldn't feel particularly sexy or interesting in bed, but his second boyfriend didn't seem to mind. Christian never complained that he was some kind of cold fish, so Kurt felt better about himself.
That was, of course, until the day Kurt found several explicit texts on Christian's BlackBerry from different guys he was sleeping with. And Kurt wasn't even checking on his boyfriend's phone; Kurt never mistrusted him. But they had had a fight that morning and Kurt had texted him something he instantly regretted, so he went to the café where Christian worked and apologized for their fight. Then, while Christian wasn't paying attention, Kurt took his boyfriend's phone to delete the text he had sent earlier.
Kurt smiled with relief when he found his own text unread. His smile faded quickly though when he saw the next text, saying something like 'Can't wait to feel your cock again, and it's only been a day without it'.
Kurt instantly thought he had a rival but he was wrong; there was no lover. Christian just had a hell of a lot of random one-night nightstands.
Francis was just the same as Blaine and Christian, but with an extra cold heart, since Francis never once visited him while he was in the hospital, even though they’d been together six months. By way of excuse, Francis said he was afraid of catching something from him. After such extreme neglect, Kurt wasn't even surprised when he got discharged and learned that Francis was cheating on him with the slutty hair-dresser from the photography department at Prada. And he was more numb than hurt when he found himself without a job, because Francis had taken advantage of Kurt's long absence to maneuver himself into the permanent position at the fashion house that Kurt would surely otherwise have gotten.
But Kurt had more urgent things to worry about than being dumped for the third time in the very same way. He had to find a new place to live, a new job (which turned out to be two jobs), and figure out how to pay an enormous medical bill.
His love life ended there. Kurt hadn't even dated after Francis.
It was impossible for Kurt not to think that there was clearly something wrong with him. Well, not entirely. Just the sex part, because all his boyfriends seemed to genuinely like him otherwise. When they weren't in bed, Blaine, Christian and Francis each had a great time being with him. So okay, Kurt wasn't particularly alluring or adventurous in bed. But isn't a bad sex life something that a couple should work out together? Instead, all his ex-boyfriends seemed to agree that Kurt was a hopeless case, convincing him the sex wasn't important while they fulfilled all their needs with other, more exciting men.
Sex was a curse. The ironic thing was that Kurt didn't even enjoy it that much. Jerking off got him the same results without all the complications. So Kurt stopped analyzing it and focused on dealing with his other problems.
But now Kurt found himself thinking about sex for the first time since being dumped by his last boyfriend over two years earlier.
What the hell have I done?
All the things Kurt thought he would never do in his life, he did them all in once. Spontaneous sex, sex in a public place, sex against a wall, rough sex, sex with a virtual stranger… he behaved like the sluttiest French whore and he can hardly stand the shame he feels.
There are bruises in his hips and hickeys on his neck. So Kurt hates himself even more because he has to spend money he doesn't have on make-up to conceal the evidence of his inexplicable depravity, even though he'd like to forget about it and pretend he never acted like such a needy slut. The next night at the VIP, he's tense the entire time, not knowing if Dave Karofsky will show up again. Maybe he would; maybe he'd ask for Kurt, expecting sex again, and Kurt doesn't want to deal with such an embarrassing situation. Kurt's mind wouldn't be clouded by whatever it was that clouded his judgment the night before, and Kurt would refuse.
But Dave doesn't show up and Kurt returns to his apartment on Sunday morning relieved.
By Tuesday, Kurt manages to accept his aberrant slutty behavior and stops beating himself up, since he can't change the past. His thoughts move from himself to a certain Dave Karofsky. Every time Kurt thinks about him, he feels a mix of resentment and inexplicable longing.
In all honesty, Kurt stopped being mad at Dave years ago. Even back in high school, alongside despising him, Kurt also pitied him. Sure, the jock scared, tormented and upset him, but Kurt couldn't hate Karofsky per se. After that disturbing kiss in the locker room, it was obvious that Karofsky was deeply troubled by his own sexuality. Eventually, after not seeing each other for years, Karofsky became just a blurry bad memory in Kurt's life.
Now when he thinks about Dave, Kurt keeps on calling him exactly that: Dave. It feels foreign but natural at the same time, and Kurt wonders why Dave decided that night to call him 'Kurt' for the first time ever. Back in high school, Kurt even wondered if the jock knew his given name, since he was always 'Hummel' or 'Fancy' or those other horrible nick names that Dave used to make fun of him. After last Saturday, one thing is for sure - regardless of whether Karofsky is 'out' or still in the closet, he's at least accepted being gay enough to have sex with men.
Dave's image from Saturday night is inked in his cornea. He looked just like he did when they were in high school and Kurt feels self-conscious when he thinks about that. Kurt didn't have the chance to take a close look, since they were face to face for only a couple of seconds and then… well, Kurt spent most of their time together with Dave behind him… but he couldn't help noticing the other guy hadn't aged a bit.
In contrast, Kurt feels old. He thinks it's not fair. The last time they'd seen each other years ago, Kurt was still a fashionista with flawless skin and perfect hair. Dave was wearing that ugly letterman jacket with bad jeans and ugly sneakers, but Kurt surely must have had on an outfit taken from a designer runway. Yet last Saturday Dave looked just fine in tasteful casual clothes, while Kurt was wearing cheap tight pants, a very fitted slutty tee, and tight high stripper boots. Kurt always loved high boots, but the ones he uses for work were found in a second handed clothing store and he swears they belonged to some hooker; and just like the rest of his clothes, everything was worn out.
They didn't have time to catch up, for obvious reasons, and Kurt blushes for the hundredth time in the last three days. But anyway, Dave is not a person that Kurt would invite to chat over a cup of coffee about what they've been up to during the last five years. Karofsky was not a friend. And it's not like he's particularly curious about what Karofsky has been doing with his life.
Dave Karofsky found out that he's a stripper. That's pretty terrible, but Kurt believes that meeting any of his former Glee friends would have been beyond humiliating. It would have been much worse running into someone like Rachel Berry, Blaine Anderson or Mercedes Jones and having to explain to them how his life went to hell.
Wednesday arrives, and for some reason Kurt wakes up with throbbing morning wood, which is odd since he wasn't even having a sex dream. But he lazily jerks off in bed and afterward, as he lays there trying to regain enough strength get up and shower, he realizes it's the first time in a long time that he's had two orgasms in less than a week.
Still laying in bed, Kurt's mind is suddenly filled once again with memories of his encounter with Dave, but this time Kurt thinks solely about the sex itself. He doesn't think about why he acted like a slut, or why he had sex in a public place, or why he let Dave fuck him like that. Kurt instead thinks about Dave's mouth in his neck, and how weird it was that Dave's rough hands felt so good as their roamed his body.
Kurt is not sure if it was because of the lack of sex in his life that Dave fucking him hard and rough felt so great, but Lord, it really did feel great. The entire time in that booth, Dave kept him hard and turned on by doing things with him that Kurt has never done before.
Kurt wouldn't have allowed one of his ex-boyfriends to push him against a wall and fuck him hard and fast, like they were some desperate animals needing to mate. But last Saturday, he couldn't stop himself.
Everything Dave did to him felt -physically- right. Rationally, it was not acceptable for Kurt, but his body loved every one of Dave's rough attentions. It's like once he shut his brain off, he discovered a whole new side of sex that he didn't know before - sex in its most primal form, a form that was pure pleasure.
Kurt could never reach that point with his ex-boyfriends. With each of them, Kurt was constantly thinking while having sex - if he looked hot enough, if he was doing it right, if he was pleasing his partner, etc. And his ex-boyfriends were never rough with him; they always understood that to him, sex was part of romance, a way to connect on a deeper level with the ones he loved. Yet his boyfriends never really loved him, since they decided to cheat on him, so that idea is quite absurd. And what would his ex-boyfriends have thought about him if he acted like a whore? Probably that he was one.
Kurt blinks at that thought. Maybe if he had acted more like a slut, they wouldn't have cheated on him with sluts.
Kurt lifts his tee, uncovering his hipbones, and finds the bruises that Dave left printed on his skin. His skin always bruised easily, and these are almost fading, luckily. Kurt did his best to ignore them during the past few days, but now Kurt's fingers rest over the dark spots on his skin, recalling Dave's hands gripping his hips tightly, and he starts growing hard again.
He ignores his modesty and his good judgment and lets himself get turned on by the memories of his encounter with Dave.
Kurt comes hard for the second time that morning, and if coming twice within five days was something Kurt hasn't experienced in years, coming three times is huge! He forces himself not to feel guilty about jerking off to the memory of a fuck he regrets and is ashamed of; Kurt decides he has a right to feel good, at least for five minutes, so he lingers in his post orgasm bliss, relaxed and content.
When you are poor, you don't get trips around the world, fancy cars and designer clothes… you don't get much stuff to enjoy. When you are poor, you have to take pleasure in what you can get. Food, for example. Kurt can't pay for gourmet meals or organic produce; sometimes he can't even buy enough food, like during winter when he has to skip days at work because he's sick and the money grows short. So Kurt's learned to love the pleasure that junk food provides, because junk food is something he can afford once in a while.
Then sex. Well, not sex, but coming. Kurt always found sex way too complicated to enjoy. Coming, though, is relaxing and pleasing and he can do it by himself. Coming is cost-free.
He should jerk off more often.
Kurt's nervous to be back at the VIP Club on Thursday, but Dave doesn't show up. Kurt wonders if Dave was there on any of the previous nights -the nights that Kurt has off - looking for him. It's a stupid thought; why would Dave want to see him again? They weren't friends before, and everything that happened that night screamed random sex. Kurt's not an expert, but he assumes that the whole point of having sex with strangers is precisely that, to be strangers having sex. Random sex is not a jumping off point for getting to know someone.
Dave doesn't appear at the club on Friday night either, and Kurt finally stops being on edge. He decides to forget all about what went down in that dirty booth.
On Saturday Kurt calls his father and, as usual, his dad talks about all the things he did that week, what Carole has been up to, and what she cooked last night. Even if his dad is not telling him anything new or exciting, Kurt's heart aches in longing. At some other time, Kurt might consider his father's talk boring, but right now he doesn't. Kurt holds his old iPhone tight, missing his family terribly. He tries not to think too much about how desperately he wants to go back to Lima; he tries to ignore how much he'd like to stay with his family forever, maybe even move back in with his parents so he can see them every day, even for just a little while, to compensate for all the time they've been apart. Or about how he'd give anything to be able to settle down in the town he used to hate and live a quiet life working at his father's garage.
If he thinks too much about all the things he wants but can't have, Kurt wouldn't be able to get up in the morning and he has too many debts to pay to stay at home moping. But sometimes it seems harder to ignore his longing than other times. This Saturday, Kurt is so worn out he can't even muster the strength to lie about the supposed 'busy being successful' week he had. So he just stays quiet, letting his father do most of the talking, afraid that if he opens his mouth a sob will come out.
The pressure in his chest remains the entire day; Kurt misses his family too much. His home town, his house and … maybe not his old friends in particular, since he hasn't heard a word from any of them in several years, but he misses having friends in general. Being alone and all by himself seems suddenly harder to bear today than any other day.
He's sitting behind the register halfway through his shift at Met Food when the image of Dave returns to his mind. His lips curve upwards just slightly and the pressure inside his chest eases at the same time that his pulse quickens. The warm, weird feeling he had when he saw Dave for the first time in The VIP is back.
A familiar face. In spite of everything, Dave was a familiar face, and it was soothing, even comforting on some strange level.
Kurt gets swept up in his thoughts, not needing to concentrate in his job since it's so repetitive he basically works on autopilot.
He can't deny anymore that seeing Dave felt good. Just seeing him; Kurt wasn't expecting to have sex with him, but for a half-a-second, amid the huge mix of feelings that assaulted Kurt, he felt good.
It's almost pathetic. How lonely he must feel to be almost happy about meeting Dave Karofsky, of all people? Kurt usually never considers how lonely he feels, because he's alone and that's the way it is. To complain would be like complaining because his hair is dark or because the sky is blue.
But having met Dave, it's like now Kurt feels the weight of his solitude and it's devastating. Obviously, he's so miserable that seeing someone he used to despise was nice.
He thinks about Dave the rest of the day and that night when he's at The VIP, for the first time since last Saturday night, Kurt looks around for Dave, not to avoid him but hoping to see him again. Maybe he wouldn't even approach him; Kurt would be fine if he could at least see Dave's familiar face once more. The shitty past he had with Dave doesn't matter; Kurt has a pretty shitty present and all the things that happened between him and his former bully all those years ago seem meaningless now. Kurt wishes his troubles were having a closet case bully pushing him around, instead of fearing to fall ill or being unable to pay his bills.
Kurt's really sick of being alone. He hadn't realized that until now, when he thinks about Dave. All he has now in his life are circumstantial people from two jobs he wishes he didn't have. Sure, Kurt is cordial towards them, but they are not friends. Neither are his neighbors.
Kurt doesn't talk with any of them about his life, his dreams and his worries, and neither do these people talk about these subjects with him. All they know about him is his name, that he's quite broke and that he gets sick often. He just wants to be with someone; not a partner or anything romantic. Kurt is not tired of being single; he's just tired of being alone. Just to have someone there, to talk with or to keep company or simply to be there; that's what Kurt wants.
Dave doesn't show up on Saturday, either, and Kurt returns to his place disappointed. In the solitude of his apartment, a wave of sadness assaults him and he cries until he can't breathe, having to use his inhaler to expand his lungs. It's not like he wanted to see Dave that badly, of course. It's just he wishes he hadn't met Dave a week before, so he wouldn't be reminded of how lonely he is and how much he wants to have a better life. A life like the one he used to have before coming to New York.
Kurt has more trouble than usual breathing properly during his sleep, and wakes up on Sunday afternoon grumpy and annoyed. He blames it on the distressed state in which he fell asleep, and decides to stop moping around.
His neighbor Chantal offers him some left-over casserole, and Kurt gladly accepts. Home-cooked food is his new organic, and Chantal is an incredibly good cook. His full stomach puts him in a better mood, and every time thoughts of Lima or his parents or Dave pop into his head, Kurt quickly dismisses them.
Sunday night in The VIP is exhausting, but Kurt doesn't work the following night and that helps him get through his shift. He performs and gives a handful of lap-dances, so when the night ends, he has more money in his pocket and that makes him feel a little better. He has to work in Met Food in the morning, of course, but he looks forward to his Monday night off and the chance to take a break from sleazy guys patting his ass, at least for a couple of days.
Dave doesn't show up that night either, so when Kurt is in the staff room getting ready to go back home, he figures Dave is not coming back and he tells himself that's a good thing. Now these thoughts about Dave and his life in Lima will stop haunting him, at least for a while.
*
The morning is a bit chilly, but Dave is too warm inside his car so he turns the heating off. He's nervous. Lord, he's so nervous, but he can't stand himself anymore.
He thought that having sex with Kurt would provide some sort of closure for him. It made sense that night, right before he had Kurt almost handed to him on a silver platter. But the reality is that he didn't really have time to think about what he was getting himself into when the bartender of The VIP offered him 'some fun' with Kurt.
Everything happened too fast; he had way too many things going on inside his head and obviously he made the wrong decision.
Before that night, Dave hardly ever thought about Kurt. Sure, he thought about Kurt once in a while, but not in a romantic or sexual way. His occasionally wet dreams are an entirely different thing; those are the result of feelings left over from his former crush on the boy. And okay, Kurt always comes to mind when he's failing on his diet. So what if he used to look at himself in the mirror, thinking "No reason why he didn't want you." That thought was and is completely reasonable, and it didn't imply that he wanted to be with Kurt. In fact, that thought helped him get over Kurt back then and stop wondering how life would be if he could be with Kurt, since that was never going to happen. After all, he was the complete opposite of that preppy boy Kurt dated, and that's what Kurt wanted in a guy. When he was a teenager, Kurt's presence worsened all his insecurities. Dave hated Kurt for that, even if it wasn't Kurt's fault that he was such a closet case, so fat, so ugly and so dumb.
Dave accepted that and got over Kurt long ago. Way too long ago to find himself years later thinking about the guy again. Now things have changed; Dave has left his parents and his home town, he's an independent young man. He has a well paying job, a small but nice apartment that belongs to him, money in his pocket and most of all, he's free to do whatever he wants. If he wants to take a guy to his place, if he wants to buy something, if he wants to move or change jobs, he doesn't have to ask anyone’s permission. He's aware that he has some shitty self-esteem issues, but after all, he is fat, and he does sweat too much, and he's not super attractive, so he thinks he has the right to feel bad about that every now and then.
Aside from that, Dave's life was going pretty smoothly. Boring and lonely, but smoothly. Yet, it took one stupid second to make the wrong decision and turn everything upside down.
Having Kurt was somehow supposed to help Dave forget about him once and for all. Being able to taste what he had wanted for so long should have made it easier for Dave to put a real end to his stupid school crush. That didn't happen, though. Instead, he got a small taste Kurt and far from bringing him closure, it's only made Dave want more.
It just wasn't enough. And it was all wrong. It wasn't meant to happen that way. He had dreamed and longed and hoped for Kurt for years when he was younger, and never did he imagine that the two of them being together would involve fucking Kurt against the wall of a dirty fucking booth after paying seventy bucks to do it.
It shouldn't matter, since it's not like they were going to meet again at some point of their lives and somehow Dave was going to win Kurt over, making him fall in love with him.
But even if that was never going to happen, it didn't mean that Dave wanted this for himself or for Kurt.
The truth is that he's fucking clueless about almost everything. It's been a week and Dave can't wrap his brain around the fact that someone like Kurt became a hooker. The whole universe must be fucked up if God, life, fate or whatever it was allowed that to happen. It’s obvious that Kurt is not the person he used to be in high school, when Dave was head over heels for the boy. Back then, Kurt was everything that Dave wanted, everything that Dave wanted to be, and everything that Dave was not. Dave is pretty sure he fell out love with Kurt years ago. He's almost positive that he didn't fall in love with Kurt all over again last week, since Kurt now is obviously different from the Kurt Dave knew when they were teens. Dave doesn't know this Kurt.
You just don't fall for a person you don't know.
But to his heart, none of that makes any difference.
This is for sure not the Kurt he used to be in love with, but it's Kurt nonetheless and Kurt was and always has been his weakest spot. Loving or not loving him, Dave aches for Kurt again, and that night that he could taste him it wasn't enough. Dave wants more, even if he knows he shouldn't. The wanting, the constant nervousness, the warmth in his chest along with the ache of his stomach are all back again and Dave can hardly deal with it.
Dave wants Kurt for longer than ten minutes. Dave wants Kurt in his house, in his bed, willingly and not for money. Dave wants to spend all the time he can with Kurt, just staring at him or listening to him, and Dave wants to know this Kurt whose life is so different from the one he thought Kurt was destined to have…
And he shouldn't. Kurt is a hooker now, and who falls in love with a hooker? This is probably for the best. Deep down inside, Dave knows he should stay away from him, because what if Kurt turns out to be as incredible as he used to be? It took Dave a long time to get over Kurt; if he gets to know Kurt now and finds out that, in spite of his obviously bad present, Kurt is as perfect and flawless as he used to be, Dave will be once again be in deep shit, because just like before, Kurt will be perfect and Dave won't be good enough for him. Yet Kurt is now within his reach, and Dave finds himself in the same dilemma he found himself in a week before. Dave is disgusted by the knowledge that anyone can have Kurt for just seventy bucks, but that also means Dave could have Kurt again, as many times as he's willing to pay for. Kurt is right there to be taken and it's just too tempting, Dave can't help wanting Kurt for himself. That night wasn't enough, it hasn't brought closure. It was like opening the freaking Pandora's box. It's not just the sex, even if memories of the rushed sex they had have been haunting Dave's mind the entire week. It was wrong and dirty, but at the same time it was one of the hottest things Dave has ever experienced. He still can't believe how tight Kurt was, probably the tightest guy Dave has ever fucked, and he feels like shit knowing he hurt Kurt at first. But how the fuck was he was supposed to know that Kurt was going to be painfully tight? He's a hooker. Doesn't he get like lots of clients? Someone as hot as Kurt would, right?
Dave shivers at that thought. He hates thinking that Kurt has to fuck guys for a living, and it pains him that he became one of those guys.
But Dave needed to be something to Kurt, and it was either client or nothing. He made Kurt come, though, and that makes him feel slightly better. He's sure that if Kurt has to fuck who knows how many times every night, he doesn't really get any pleasure from that. Dave's never been with a hooker, and he has never talked with people who have, either, but he assumes that people who pay for sex don't bother much about pleasuring the person they are paying to pleasure them.
He's not sure about how much money hookers charge for their services, but Dave believes that seventy bucks is almost insulting. As insulting as the fact that Kurt has to make money that way in the first place. That must be what's going on, right? If Kurt is prostituting himself, he must be desperate for money. So if Dave paid more, whatever Kurt asked, could Dave get more of Kurt's time? It's not such a far out idea; Dave is not expecting Kurt to pretend to love him, or even like him, just because Dave pays. He only wants one night, a real night with Kurt in his place, in a real bed. In a place with lights so Dave can admire every inch of Kurt's body, in a place where the music is not deafening so he can listen to Kurt's soft voice.
Kurt might prefer that, too. Even though Dave would still be just a client, Kurt might prefer to… work some place besides that dirty and depressing club, in that ugly wooden booth. Dave has a nice apartment and a comfortable bed and he'd treat Kurt like royalty, the way he deserves to be treated.
So Dave finds himself again acting like a creeper. He's not staking Kurt per se. He's just sitting in his parked car, watching people leaving the VIP Club place through his rear view mirror.
Dave didn't feel comfortable approaching Kurt in The VIP, so he figured he could catch him while leaving the place. It is a little stalkerish, Dave has to admit, but it's not like he has a lot of ways to get in touch with Kurt.
Dave has been waiting outside The VIP for the last three hours - he didn't know at what time the place closed - and now that it's almost seven in the morning, he's worried Kurt might have left early, or not even worked last night at all. Dave still waits, though. He has to be in the office at nine, so he dressed in his suit, in case he had to go straight to work after - maybe - getting to talk with Kurt.
But the club shut its doors at six, all the customers are long gone and now the club is closed. He grows anxious when he spots the doors opening, and even more when he sees a few guys leaving the place.
He orders to himself to calm the fuck down. Kurt must not have worked last night, or maybe he left before Dave arrived. Dave could be almost hyperventilating for nothing.
But then, Dave sees him.
Kurt exits The VIP, along with two other guys. Dave watches in his rear view mirror as Kurt says goodbye to the other guys. Dave grows even more nervous when he realizes Kurt has turned around and is now walking, all by himself, in the same direction where Dave's car is parked.
It's the perfect moment. Kurt is there, alone, and Dave just has to approach him. But Dave can hardly move; his eyes are fixed in Kurt's image in his rear view mirror and Kurt looks… so different. Dave still remembers how Kurt strutted around McKinley's hallways in his expensive and flashy clothes with his head held high, like he was superior to everyone… Now Kurt is just a regular guy in jeans and a blue jacket, carrying a backpack. He's hugging himself, and he has his neck buried between his shoulders like he's cold.
It's a big deal. It could seem stupid or meaningless to other people, but this change in Kurt's walk... it's painful for Dave to watch. He has no clue about what happened to Kurt, but the boy who used to glide through the world full of confidence and superiority, making everyone turn around to watch him, now seems vulnerable and fragile, walking with his chin almost pressed against his chest, like he's trying to pass unnoticed.
Kurt passes by Dave's car and Dave blinks, trying to step out of his trance. It's now or never.
"Wait! Kurt!"
Kurt turns around when he hears someone call his name, and his eyes go wide in surprise when he sees none other than Dave Karofsky approaching him. Kurt doesn't know what to say or do, so he stays still, trying to figure this out. It was just yesterday that he resolved that Dave Karofsky disappearing from his life was something good, but now the man is standing next to him and Kurt feels like he can't breathe, and it's not because of his breathing issues.
Just in case, Kurt sneaks his hand inside his pocket, holding his inhaler.
Dave is there, but this time he's wearing a nice fitting and sober suit. It makes him look classier and more grown up, but if Dave's wearing an office suit, clearly he's doing better than himself. Even if he can't afford good clothes, Kurt can tell that Dave's suit is not cheap at all.
Kurt tries not to be bitter. Even the guy who sells hot dogs on the street corner across from the club is doing better than himself. Neither that guy nor Dave have to undress in public for a living.
Still, Kurt's heart grows warm at the familiarity of his presence.
"Hey," Kurt says sheepishly, because Dave is right there and it reminds him of what they did last weekend. Kurt is still ashamed of himself.
Dave takes a deep breath. "Hey. Sorry if I'm bothering you," he says, sounding troubled.
Kurt shrugs. "I was just heading home."
He really doesn't have much to say. Also, Dave is the one who came looking for him at seven in the morning on a Monday, so Kurt guesses that before figuring out how to act in front of Dave, he should find out why Dave is here. It's nice to see him though, and he wonders if there's any way to be able to do this, pretend that they didn't have sex. Would Dave let that pass? Kurt might like to see him again, under different circumstances. Kurt would like to hang out with someone. Once again, Dave doesn't look threatening. In addition, Dave already knows the dark part of Kurt's life, so not having to hide himself from someone that used to know him, it makes Kurt feel much lighter. The burden is gone, at least between the two of them.
"I... I-" Dave sighs frustrated, like he's having trouble finding the words. "Listen, I just… wanted to make you an offer."
Kurt frowns. "An offer?"
Dave nods. "I was wondering if you'd spend the whole night with me, at my place."
Kurt blinks, frozen on the spot. What did he just say? Kurt's out of words. His mouth moves silently at first, not being able to let out a sound, until he finally speaks. "I'm sorry?"
"I'll pay you more than what you get in here for a customer. Twice or three times, or anything you want," Dave hurries to say, leaving Kurt stupefied.
"What?"
But then, Kurt's eyes open widely.
Oh, Lord, no.
His blood turns cold when realization hits and a billion thoughts cross Kurt's mind in less than a second. Dave thinks he's a hooker? Kurt blushes furiously and remains unable to say a word. Dave actually thinks he's a hooker? It's humiliating! Kurt doesn't know what's worse, Dave maybe believing he's a slut or Dave believing he's a freaking prostitute!
And God, even Kurt gets it! Why would Dave think differently? He paid for a private lap dance and they ended up having sex. Maybe now he thinks 'dancer' is code for 'prostitute' and 'private lap dance' is code for 'sex with the dancer/prostitute in a booth'.
Jesus Christ, Dave thinks guys have sex with him after paying seventy bucks? Kurt would be the cheapest whore! How bizarre is the fact that Kurt is probably the most celibate guy in New York City and Dave thinks he's a hooker?
"I'm… I-" Kurt mumbles, still at a loss for words.
"We'll be more comfortable," Dave offers, obviously trying to sell this deal to him. "The other night was… awkward, at least for me it was. I guess it's something normal for you," he says, sounding at little upset and Kurt only stares at him, trying to figure out if he should be offended or… something.
"I'm sorry," Kurt tells him. "I'm not really-"
"Just one night," Dave cuts him off. "Anytime you can."
Kurt gives Dave a long stare. He wanted to see Dave again; he also hoped they could avoid the sex thing. Kurt longs to be with someone, even more someone familiar to him. In spite of their history together, in spite of the one night stand, Dave seems different and maybe it wasn't so bad if they saw each other again.
And now, Dave wants him that way again, which is ridiculous. Kurt doesn't know what to do and he knows he has to say something.
He's very much trapped.
Because if Kurt corrects Dave, what could Kurt say? 'Sorry, I'm not a hooker for real. That was just me being a slut. I don't blame you for not being able to tell the difference.'
Kurt swallows hard.
His pride is already too wounded. Kurt has to tell Dave that he's not a hooker, he's aware of that. But having to say aloud something that shames him so badly, it bothers Kurt. He doesn't want to let Dave know that he willingly threw himself into his arms the first chance he got, letting him fuck him against a wall.
Sure, Dave doesn't seem to be the same man he used to, but it's still Dave Karofsky, his former bully and he's almost a stranger to him. Kurt doesn't want Dave to think that he has some kind of power over him. Even if Kurt did fall under some sort of spell that night, for some reason that is beyond his comprehension.
The positive thing about Dave's false impression - if there's anything positive about it - is that Kurt can wash his hands of any personal responsibility. After all, if he's supposedly a hooker, he had sex with Dave because he had to and not because he wanted to.
"Kurt?"
Kurt blinks. He still hasn't said anything and he still doesn't know what to say. "I'm sorry," he mumbles. "This is just a bit… odd."
'Odd' does not even begin to describe this situation, but Kurt is not feeling very eloquent right now.
Dave presses his lips together, looking almost disappointed. "I'm sorry. This is probably not a regular thing to you."
"At all," Kurt mutters, and he suddenly starts feeling a pressure on his chest that grows more unbearable with every second that passes.
This is a huge mess, and Kurt is not fixing it. Now Dave is standing just a few feet in front to him, in a nice fitting suit and with a disappointed face that actually makes Kurt feel terrible. Did Dave want so badly to see him? Well, no. Dave wanted to have sex with him again, which is not the same. But they are standing in front of each other, not saying a word, as if they are both trying to figure out how to escape this awkward moment that seems to dishearten the both of them for very different reasons.
Dave is right there, Dave freaking Karofsky, and Kurt is so lonely that his mere presence makes him feel a little accompanied. He's so damn lonely that this proximity to someone who used to know him from his better days seems huge.
"I- I h-have," Kurt stutters, not realizing that he's actually speaking and catching Dave's attention. "I work most nights in here, except Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays."
His words are out before he can even think about what he's saying. But then the rest happens in a blur, Kurt being way too dumbstruck about what he just did.
Kurt gives Dave his phone number and Dave saves it in his flashy BlackBerry. Kurt doesn't take his iPhone out of his pocket. The screen is cracked in half, but it still works and Kurt can't afford a new phone, and in the end it's just a phone. Still, he doesn't want Dave to see what bad shape it's in, or learn anything more about his shitty life. He tells Dave he forgot his phone at his place.
Dave assures him that he'll call to 'arrange something' and Kurt humors him, assuring himself that he won't answer such a call but deep inside knowing that he will.
They say goodbye to each other and Kurt makes his way to the bus stop. He's shocked, upset, and mad at himself. Kurt wants to cry, but he doesn't; he keeps on walking.
It's mostly his fault, not to say all of it. He could have stopped Dave when he made his first move at The VIP; God knows Kurt never lets anyone get too friendly with him, and anyone who even tries gets his ass kicked by The VIP's bouncer. Kurt didn't stop Dave though. In fact, Kurt went with it very willingly and excitedly.
There's something about Dave that clearly clouds Kurt's judgment. Is he really so needy for affection that he lets his former bully approach him like this? Christ, Kurt didn't even give Dave a fake number!
Kurt holds his head high as he tries to grow some backbone. So what? Maybe he does want to spend time with another human being, just for a change. He's been by his own for the last two years, so yes, maybe he's freaking tired of being alone and spending time with Dave doesn't sound like such a terrible idea.
He knows he's playing it down, but he needs to hold on to some excuse, otherwise he'll fall to pieces for being so pathetic. The truth is that if Kurt really takes Dave's call and they arrange to meet, Kurt will be spending the night at Dave's place, having sex with him and getting paid for it, which is beyond humiliating. As humiliating as letting someone who used to torment you think that you're a hooker, so you can spend time with that person.
He is pathetic. It depresses him, because at the end of the day he can lie to Dave Karofsky and let him think whatever he wants, but Kurt can't lie to himself.
Kurt's bus arrives and he decides to stop thinking about it, even if he knows it will be hard. Once he gets a seat on the bus, he feels his broken phone vibrating in his pocket and Kurt jumps in his place. He carefully checks his phone, holding his breath as if this ruined piece of technology suddenly morphed into a bomb ready to explode.
It's just a text: 'This is Dave. Just wanted to give you my number. We'll be in touch.'
Kurt presses his lips together. He's about to reply to the message but then he remembers that his phone is supposedly at his place, so he doesn't. But he curses himself, realizing that he was about to text a simple 'Okay'. He wasn't even thinking about it; he wasn't even questioning this whole situation.
He's doing way too many things without thinking. Kurt feels like he's drifting, and Dave's presence in his life is the turning tide. For whatever reason, Dave leads the way and Kurt follows, and what's worse is that Dave is not even playing games with him. But still Kurt feels boneless and empty, floating in the air and Dave is the blowing wind taking Kurt to all the wrong places.
Kurt sighs, putting his phone back to his pocket. Whatever happens will happen, and Kurt will deal with it when it does. He's not sure which way the wind will blow. But Kurt never knows. If there's one thing that rules Kurt's life, it is uncertainty; he can't predict exactly how much money he'll make, or if he's going to have an asthma attack, or if he's going to be able to cancel his debts. He never knows how many customers he'll have each night, or if he'll fall ill again. He never knows what life is going to throw at him.
Kurt is up to Dave now. Maybe that's not something so bad. Life has knocked Kurt down plenty of times and this time for a change, when Kurt falls, he'll fall next to someone. There will be another body next to him when he hits the ground.
And that's more than the nothing he's had for the last couple of years.