Might as well
Today was my last official day of summer vacation. I didn't realize it until just a moment ago. I've mostly moved on from the livejournal trend, but this is most appropriate place for me to express my feelings for reasons I can't really get into. Hint: it has to do with a girl. Suprise! Anyways.
I didn't really grow much this summer. That sort of ends a trend; the summers before I felt like I learned a lot, dealt with a lot of obstacles, overcame most of them, and well, became a better person. I'm fully content not knowing who I am as a person, but I feel even more frazzled than ever. Maybe that's not the right word. Anonymous? Enigmatic? I guess I'll go with enigmatic for lack of a better word.
I simply don't know who I am. I've had an exceptionally hard time analyzing my past actions and relating them to my present and future actions. I used to think I had a good handle on who I am as a person, but I've dealt with many new situations recently and I've acted... well, differently.
I think a lot of this has to do with my stepdad passing away. The way I've reacted to him dieing... it's confuses me. My actions don't follow the trends I've created. I don't cry when I lose people. I move on right away. I'm fairly content being alone.
... but when I lost him, something happened. I don't know what it was. I guess part of it is I'm scared to deal with it, and I don't feel comfortable talking about it. I haven't developed the particular bond with a person that has made me comfortable enough to bring it up. It's not like I can say, "hey, I'm going to talk about my stepdad and cry for 3 hours." I mean, I did that once, but I was drunk and high, and while it helped a little, it definitely wasn't enough.
Maybe my lack for closure is a result of my complete respect for Mr. Anthony Baxter Jr. Respect, according to Kant, is a mixture of appreciation and fear, and I sort of feared my stepfather while completing appreciating him. By fear I don't mean that I was scared of him; rather I understood that his life experiences were so much more complex than mine and that I couldn't possibly understand what he went through. I believe I've gone through some tough situations, but I've lived the life of a prince compared to him.
I know I'll never completely get over him dieing, but I'm not even close right now. It's been over 8 months now, and I feel like I haven't made any progress at all. Everytime I think of him, I feel my tear ducts prepare... then calm down.
But I've digressed a great deal. I guess the point of that was I haven't done much to bring closure to my life. Maybe I didn't write enough music. Maybe I didn't drink enough (or drank too much). Maybe I didn't date the girl or hang out with my friends enough. Whatever the case, I haven't been in the right environment. Sometimes I want to say, 'I have to do this alone' but that doesn't seem right. How can I possibly deal with this alone? I mean, I think I'm an rather intelligent, capable human being, but death is so far beyond human reason. We can't comprehend it nearly enough to cope with it... and I'm certainly not coping.
I guess besides that, I still didn't make much progress in many areas. I didn't do anything special musically. I didn't develop any sort of meaningful relationship. I didn't make new, awesome friends.
I guess if I did one important thing this summer, it was realizing who I need and who I don't and what the role those people I need play.
Steve, Robby, Sam, Connie... I love you. I'm a fuck up and I will hurt you many more times, but I will always come back to you. I appreciate your friendship more than I can explain, and I'm sorry for anything I have ever done to hurt you.
I'm done being lovey-dovey.
I guess I became a better car racer. I became much better at singing and playing guitar. I still haven't felt like I've made many great advances. Maybe this was first official summer as an American adult... working for a living, not becoming a better person, and simply coping with the everyday mediocrity that pervades our culture.
Maybe this was just a lull and something great is about to happen. Maybe I'll finally find time to have Nick Sandoval over to jam and we will make something beautiful. Maybe I'll fall in love with... (I need to stop). Maybe changing my major to international business was a great decision, and I'll find a way to make the world a better place (sorry for the cliche) while "bettering" myself, at least in the American sense.
This summer... it's over. I'm not going to look back and say, "I wish I fell in love" or "I wish I made more progress towards becoming an acceptable and compassionate human being." I will say, however, that this summer was enough to make me hope to have at least a few more...
... I still think life is meaningless and absurd, but it's still better than being a decaying piece of matter in a wooden box. I can feel pleasure... and as long as I feel pleasure at least 25% of the time, I'm going to abstain from offing myself. Right now life is generally pleasurable abotu 60% of the time, so life would have to get much worse for me to decide to end it all. (This was sort of a morbid joke... don't read into it too much).
To recap:
Steve, Robby, Sam, and Connie: I still love you, even at the end of this post.
Life is okay
My concept of Hope is probably the same as most people's concept of God (I know I didn't talk about this)
I need to expand my parameters (Again... didn't talk about this)
I will never truly understand Anthony Baxter Jr. and the role he played in my life... but I know enough to say he was an amazing human being that accomplished more than 95% of the people I have met in my life. He felt more love in his life than I could feel if I lived 50 times.
This is to you Tony... You would have been 45 yesterday... and I'm sorry you couldn't have lived longer, so I could have shown you how much you taught me and how much you made me appreciate this absurd little journey called life.
There we go... a tear just came down.
I'm done.
I didn't really grow much this summer. That sort of ends a trend; the summers before I felt like I learned a lot, dealt with a lot of obstacles, overcame most of them, and well, became a better person. I'm fully content not knowing who I am as a person, but I feel even more frazzled than ever. Maybe that's not the right word. Anonymous? Enigmatic? I guess I'll go with enigmatic for lack of a better word.
I simply don't know who I am. I've had an exceptionally hard time analyzing my past actions and relating them to my present and future actions. I used to think I had a good handle on who I am as a person, but I've dealt with many new situations recently and I've acted... well, differently.
I think a lot of this has to do with my stepdad passing away. The way I've reacted to him dieing... it's confuses me. My actions don't follow the trends I've created. I don't cry when I lose people. I move on right away. I'm fairly content being alone.
... but when I lost him, something happened. I don't know what it was. I guess part of it is I'm scared to deal with it, and I don't feel comfortable talking about it. I haven't developed the particular bond with a person that has made me comfortable enough to bring it up. It's not like I can say, "hey, I'm going to talk about my stepdad and cry for 3 hours." I mean, I did that once, but I was drunk and high, and while it helped a little, it definitely wasn't enough.
Maybe my lack for closure is a result of my complete respect for Mr. Anthony Baxter Jr. Respect, according to Kant, is a mixture of appreciation and fear, and I sort of feared my stepfather while completing appreciating him. By fear I don't mean that I was scared of him; rather I understood that his life experiences were so much more complex than mine and that I couldn't possibly understand what he went through. I believe I've gone through some tough situations, but I've lived the life of a prince compared to him.
I know I'll never completely get over him dieing, but I'm not even close right now. It's been over 8 months now, and I feel like I haven't made any progress at all. Everytime I think of him, I feel my tear ducts prepare... then calm down.
But I've digressed a great deal. I guess the point of that was I haven't done much to bring closure to my life. Maybe I didn't write enough music. Maybe I didn't drink enough (or drank too much). Maybe I didn't date the girl or hang out with my friends enough. Whatever the case, I haven't been in the right environment. Sometimes I want to say, 'I have to do this alone' but that doesn't seem right. How can I possibly deal with this alone? I mean, I think I'm an rather intelligent, capable human being, but death is so far beyond human reason. We can't comprehend it nearly enough to cope with it... and I'm certainly not coping.
I guess besides that, I still didn't make much progress in many areas. I didn't do anything special musically. I didn't develop any sort of meaningful relationship. I didn't make new, awesome friends.
I guess if I did one important thing this summer, it was realizing who I need and who I don't and what the role those people I need play.
Steve, Robby, Sam, Connie... I love you. I'm a fuck up and I will hurt you many more times, but I will always come back to you. I appreciate your friendship more than I can explain, and I'm sorry for anything I have ever done to hurt you.
I'm done being lovey-dovey.
I guess I became a better car racer. I became much better at singing and playing guitar. I still haven't felt like I've made many great advances. Maybe this was first official summer as an American adult... working for a living, not becoming a better person, and simply coping with the everyday mediocrity that pervades our culture.
Maybe this was just a lull and something great is about to happen. Maybe I'll finally find time to have Nick Sandoval over to jam and we will make something beautiful. Maybe I'll fall in love with... (I need to stop). Maybe changing my major to international business was a great decision, and I'll find a way to make the world a better place (sorry for the cliche) while "bettering" myself, at least in the American sense.
This summer... it's over. I'm not going to look back and say, "I wish I fell in love" or "I wish I made more progress towards becoming an acceptable and compassionate human being." I will say, however, that this summer was enough to make me hope to have at least a few more...
... I still think life is meaningless and absurd, but it's still better than being a decaying piece of matter in a wooden box. I can feel pleasure... and as long as I feel pleasure at least 25% of the time, I'm going to abstain from offing myself. Right now life is generally pleasurable abotu 60% of the time, so life would have to get much worse for me to decide to end it all. (This was sort of a morbid joke... don't read into it too much).
To recap:
Steve, Robby, Sam, and Connie: I still love you, even at the end of this post.
Life is okay
My concept of Hope is probably the same as most people's concept of God (I know I didn't talk about this)
I need to expand my parameters (Again... didn't talk about this)
I will never truly understand Anthony Baxter Jr. and the role he played in my life... but I know enough to say he was an amazing human being that accomplished more than 95% of the people I have met in my life. He felt more love in his life than I could feel if I lived 50 times.
This is to you Tony... You would have been 45 yesterday... and I'm sorry you couldn't have lived longer, so I could have shown you how much you taught me and how much you made me appreciate this absurd little journey called life.
There we go... a tear just came down.
I'm done.