(no subject)
After 6 months of battling small cell cancer, my stepfather passed away at 9:30 in the morning on Sunday. He was 44 years old.
My stepfather, Anthony Baxter, was easily the greatest influence on my life since the time he came into my life when I was still in middle school. My life will be very empty without him.
These 6 months have been some of the toughest I've ever faced. It was an emotionally trying time everytime I saw him, especially at events like his birthday party knowing it would be his last. Everytime he hugged me, I knew he was wondering if this was the last time we could see each other. While I wish he never went, I'm glad he's no longer feeling pain. I've never seen anyone go through what he has both before and after he was diagnosed.
I know the coming months are only going to be tougher as I try to help get my mother back onto her feet and try to ease the pain of my siblings. He was the one that kept our family together. He was the one that fixed the relationships between everyone in the household. He had a way with words and feelings that would put everyone in line and help us realize that "in the grand scheme of things" everything we experience is so small.
I have so much more to say, but I can't articulate much of what I feel right now. I can't describe what I saw him go through. I can't explain what it was like to see my mother hysterically crying over his lifeless body or what it was like for me to break the news to my sister that her stepfather, the man who was there everyday as she was battling cancer, will no longer be there to help her through her illness and through her future troubles.
I'll never understand what death really is and what it means. None of us can. Its something we can't truly experience until it happens, and then it's too late to make any use of the knowledge. I do believe, however, that we can understand little pieces of death by understanding what people are going through.
I will understand death by remembering exactly how it felt everytime my stepfather hugged me and said "I love you" when he knew he would soon die. I will understand death by remembering how much it hurt to hear him say, "I'm sorry it's ending this way" to my sister... expressing his guilt that he could no longer be her father. I will understand death by remembering the way he looked at my mother, and the way he stared at the necklace he gave her on their 3rd anniversary. The expression on his face at that moment will be in my mind forever. It brought me to tears... and I can only hope to understand the love her felt for my mother.
For those of you who were fortunate enough to meet my stepfather or even hear stories about him, I'm posting the information about his wake and funeral.
Wake: Tomorrow, December 12th. Oehler Funeral Home, 2099 Miner St., Des Plaines, IL. 3:00-9:00.
Funeral: December 13th. 10:00 at St Zachary's in Des Plaines.
My stepfather, Anthony Baxter, was easily the greatest influence on my life since the time he came into my life when I was still in middle school. My life will be very empty without him.
These 6 months have been some of the toughest I've ever faced. It was an emotionally trying time everytime I saw him, especially at events like his birthday party knowing it would be his last. Everytime he hugged me, I knew he was wondering if this was the last time we could see each other. While I wish he never went, I'm glad he's no longer feeling pain. I've never seen anyone go through what he has both before and after he was diagnosed.
I know the coming months are only going to be tougher as I try to help get my mother back onto her feet and try to ease the pain of my siblings. He was the one that kept our family together. He was the one that fixed the relationships between everyone in the household. He had a way with words and feelings that would put everyone in line and help us realize that "in the grand scheme of things" everything we experience is so small.
I have so much more to say, but I can't articulate much of what I feel right now. I can't describe what I saw him go through. I can't explain what it was like to see my mother hysterically crying over his lifeless body or what it was like for me to break the news to my sister that her stepfather, the man who was there everyday as she was battling cancer, will no longer be there to help her through her illness and through her future troubles.
I'll never understand what death really is and what it means. None of us can. Its something we can't truly experience until it happens, and then it's too late to make any use of the knowledge. I do believe, however, that we can understand little pieces of death by understanding what people are going through.
I will understand death by remembering exactly how it felt everytime my stepfather hugged me and said "I love you" when he knew he would soon die. I will understand death by remembering how much it hurt to hear him say, "I'm sorry it's ending this way" to my sister... expressing his guilt that he could no longer be her father. I will understand death by remembering the way he looked at my mother, and the way he stared at the necklace he gave her on their 3rd anniversary. The expression on his face at that moment will be in my mind forever. It brought me to tears... and I can only hope to understand the love her felt for my mother.
For those of you who were fortunate enough to meet my stepfather or even hear stories about him, I'm posting the information about his wake and funeral.
Wake: Tomorrow, December 12th. Oehler Funeral Home, 2099 Miner St., Des Plaines, IL. 3:00-9:00.
Funeral: December 13th. 10:00 at St Zachary's in Des Plaines.