i need to vent. desperately.
i need to mentally sort out the consequences of my weekend and how i feel about them. so here's my though process, complete with quotes. because i'm an english major and quotes are essential to a perfect composition.
1) grounding.-i dont mind this much. it will only last about a month. and i have plenty of things to do around my house. i havent really 'stood home' in a few months anyway, and i'm always complaining to myself about not having enough time to get things done around here. i'll be fine stuck inside. i have a treadmill, a weight bench, summer reading books, a loaded ipod, a few DVD's i havent watched, although i might need to get some more, my cell phone, a computer, schoolwork, and two rooms to organize\clean. the only thing that worries me about the grounding is that when its over i'll have to build back up to where i was before. and the fact that i cant go to the two proms i'm supposed to. which i dont mind TOO much but i feel really bad for noah\salvi. everything was so good with me and my mom before. :-( yet i feel the need to ruin it like i always do. i take chances on my luck and the odds were against me this time i guess. i just feel terrible because i havent messed up in a while. i've been overall happy and i dont want to be upset.
quotes that made me feel better about the grounding:
"i came home just to talk to you. i feel so bad; i'll be here to talk to you all the time. whenever i'm not at work. because i have no life without you anyways."
2) all of the legal stuff.- my mom may or may not take me to the burlington police this morning. the only real illegal thing i did was not report an accident. still, that may be enough to take my liscence away. getting my liscence suspended would ruin my record. either way, the police are not going to be able to find the drunk teenage driver who hit me. so going to the police station is worthless. i'm sure i'll have to anyways though.
3) paying for my brothers new car- this one, i dont mind and mind at the same time. i dont mind it because, despite the fact that me and my brother dont get along, i feel terrible about what i did. i've honestly...never felt guilty about anything bad ive done before. like, nights that i didnt come home and stuff. i would just be angry about being grounded. but with this, i feel genuine hardcore guilt. ive actually never really experienced this before. the only thing that upsets me about buying him a new car is that it means my 5000$ from my LIFE savings is gone completely :-(. although, ty said he would sell me the cougar for 1000$, which would help me out SO much.
4) the future of my driving.- as terrible as this sounds to me, the truth is that i wont be driving for a while. and i will not be getting a car until i'm in college. actually, i probably wont be driving again until i'm in college. which is totally upsetting because i really thought my mom was going to get a new car for her graduation and i would be getting the old one. but this isnt that bad i guess. because my friends are getting\have cars.
5) family.- probably the worst consequence. disappointment is the worst. i especially dont want my grandfather to know, but i think he already does. and my uncle, ... well, he's probably going to kill me. i just hate being the bad one in my entire family. the one that everyone looks down on. its the worst thing ive ever had to feel before. and i thought that i wouldnt have to feel that way again. i thought i was done with all the major mess-ups last year. plus, my brother pretty much just hates me. and i cant express how sorry i am. its worthless to try. i just hate how my entire family thinks im just this "rebel" teenager who doesnt care about anyone but herself. i just dont have a good track record with family. i dont know how to treat them. the lack of a close-knit family unit in my life causes me to feel uncomfortable expressing emotions around them.
i dont even know what i'm saying anymore. my bed was so comfortable when i woke up and then i remembered all this. and i remembered what happened in the middle of the night.
i need my friends right now. i'm in constant need of hugs and warm words.
1) grounding.-i dont mind this much. it will only last about a month. and i have plenty of things to do around my house. i havent really 'stood home' in a few months anyway, and i'm always complaining to myself about not having enough time to get things done around here. i'll be fine stuck inside. i have a treadmill, a weight bench, summer reading books, a loaded ipod, a few DVD's i havent watched, although i might need to get some more, my cell phone, a computer, schoolwork, and two rooms to organize\clean. the only thing that worries me about the grounding is that when its over i'll have to build back up to where i was before. and the fact that i cant go to the two proms i'm supposed to. which i dont mind TOO much but i feel really bad for noah\salvi. everything was so good with me and my mom before. :-( yet i feel the need to ruin it like i always do. i take chances on my luck and the odds were against me this time i guess. i just feel terrible because i havent messed up in a while. i've been overall happy and i dont want to be upset.
quotes that made me feel better about the grounding:
"i came home just to talk to you. i feel so bad; i'll be here to talk to you all the time. whenever i'm not at work. because i have no life without you anyways."
2) all of the legal stuff.- my mom may or may not take me to the burlington police this morning. the only real illegal thing i did was not report an accident. still, that may be enough to take my liscence away. getting my liscence suspended would ruin my record. either way, the police are not going to be able to find the drunk teenage driver who hit me. so going to the police station is worthless. i'm sure i'll have to anyways though.
3) paying for my brothers new car- this one, i dont mind and mind at the same time. i dont mind it because, despite the fact that me and my brother dont get along, i feel terrible about what i did. i've honestly...never felt guilty about anything bad ive done before. like, nights that i didnt come home and stuff. i would just be angry about being grounded. but with this, i feel genuine hardcore guilt. ive actually never really experienced this before. the only thing that upsets me about buying him a new car is that it means my 5000$ from my LIFE savings is gone completely :-(. although, ty said he would sell me the cougar for 1000$, which would help me out SO much.
4) the future of my driving.- as terrible as this sounds to me, the truth is that i wont be driving for a while. and i will not be getting a car until i'm in college. actually, i probably wont be driving again until i'm in college. which is totally upsetting because i really thought my mom was going to get a new car for her graduation and i would be getting the old one. but this isnt that bad i guess. because my friends are getting\have cars.
5) family.- probably the worst consequence. disappointment is the worst. i especially dont want my grandfather to know, but i think he already does. and my uncle, ... well, he's probably going to kill me. i just hate being the bad one in my entire family. the one that everyone looks down on. its the worst thing ive ever had to feel before. and i thought that i wouldnt have to feel that way again. i thought i was done with all the major mess-ups last year. plus, my brother pretty much just hates me. and i cant express how sorry i am. its worthless to try. i just hate how my entire family thinks im just this "rebel" teenager who doesnt care about anyone but herself. i just dont have a good track record with family. i dont know how to treat them. the lack of a close-knit family unit in my life causes me to feel uncomfortable expressing emotions around them.
i dont even know what i'm saying anymore. my bed was so comfortable when i woke up and then i remembered all this. and i remembered what happened in the middle of the night.
i need my friends right now. i'm in constant need of hugs and warm words.