boy, one day you'll be a man. ohh, girl, he'll help you understand. ((smilelikeyoumeanit))
dreams, are what they used to be
some things slide by so carelessly
smile.like.you.mean.it.
i wish i could...
so a lot has happened lately. and even though ken tells me having a journal is useless because i lie in it and noone reads it, i'm going to write anyway. and lying. well, if i've done it up to this point i'm unaware, but i'm still going to attempt to be a whole lot more honest\open.
so i talked to dennis again. or i'm 'talking to him again'. i dont know. and i dont know how i feel about it. i just knew that i needed to make amends. so maybe we wont talk anymore. seeing as we've only talked for like 5 nights. i guess whatever happens, happens.
calling him was..nerveracking. and hectic. overwhelming. scary.
just getting a positive response surprized me.
i need spring\summer. it's not just a longing for anymore its a necesity. school is depressing. and not just for the classes\work. but i have all this stuff that needs to be done too. SATS, my math review course, tufts summer creative writing class,and whatever else.
i think, during junior year of highschool, everyone should have someone they trust to completely assure them that everything will be 'okay' by this time next year. but they have to make it official, with paperwork or something. something you can hold against them when everything's still messed up. or if it gets even more messed up.
my family is bullshit. every morning me and my mom fight, and it ends with me crying. and when i say fight, i mean she screams at me about my copious faults while i listen to music and try not to cry. once she leaves , i just explode. then i have to go to school and put on a smile for everyone. and tell jokes to make people laugh. when on the inside i'm constantly worrying about whats going to happen tonight, or the next morning, or the one after that. my sister has authority over me. it's pretty messed up. and, i didnt get invited to my cousin's birthday party. my sisters going to sleep over and everything, but i'm not even allowed to come. her exact words were. "i dont want her here. she would ruin my party" so i guess i ruin things. i guess my moms right about what she says every morning. i just wish i had something, someone. anything or anyone for me to hold and to hold me and have security in. i have no support in anything i do. i'm alone in everything. i have no family to fall back on. my entire family despises me, except maybe my grandfather. i'm not ready to be this independent yet, but i guess i'm going to have to be. because whenever i do other things to deal with it, people get mad at me and tell me its wrong, or i dont know the right way to do it. or something like that. there's just no way of dealing with this.
i want to have a boyfriend again. i know this is whiney and pathetic and whatever else. but...i just want to have something in my life that i can not mess up for a little while. i dont want to be the one that "has a lot of guy-friends". i mean, i do want guys as friends, but not only that. i dont want to be seen as the one who can make you laugh and can help you out when you fight with your girlfriend. but i'm starting to see...that's exactly who i am. :-\
and for that reason (well, the root of that problem), i need to go back soon.
some things slide by so carelessly
smile.like.you.mean.it.
i wish i could...
so a lot has happened lately. and even though ken tells me having a journal is useless because i lie in it and noone reads it, i'm going to write anyway. and lying. well, if i've done it up to this point i'm unaware, but i'm still going to attempt to be a whole lot more honest\open.
so i talked to dennis again. or i'm 'talking to him again'. i dont know. and i dont know how i feel about it. i just knew that i needed to make amends. so maybe we wont talk anymore. seeing as we've only talked for like 5 nights. i guess whatever happens, happens.
calling him was..nerveracking. and hectic. overwhelming. scary.
just getting a positive response surprized me.
i need spring\summer. it's not just a longing for anymore its a necesity. school is depressing. and not just for the classes\work. but i have all this stuff that needs to be done too. SATS, my math review course, tufts summer creative writing class,and whatever else.
i think, during junior year of highschool, everyone should have someone they trust to completely assure them that everything will be 'okay' by this time next year. but they have to make it official, with paperwork or something. something you can hold against them when everything's still messed up. or if it gets even more messed up.
my family is bullshit. every morning me and my mom fight, and it ends with me crying. and when i say fight, i mean she screams at me about my copious faults while i listen to music and try not to cry. once she leaves , i just explode. then i have to go to school and put on a smile for everyone. and tell jokes to make people laugh. when on the inside i'm constantly worrying about whats going to happen tonight, or the next morning, or the one after that. my sister has authority over me. it's pretty messed up. and, i didnt get invited to my cousin's birthday party. my sisters going to sleep over and everything, but i'm not even allowed to come. her exact words were. "i dont want her here. she would ruin my party" so i guess i ruin things. i guess my moms right about what she says every morning. i just wish i had something, someone. anything or anyone for me to hold and to hold me and have security in. i have no support in anything i do. i'm alone in everything. i have no family to fall back on. my entire family despises me, except maybe my grandfather. i'm not ready to be this independent yet, but i guess i'm going to have to be. because whenever i do other things to deal with it, people get mad at me and tell me its wrong, or i dont know the right way to do it. or something like that. there's just no way of dealing with this.
i want to have a boyfriend again. i know this is whiney and pathetic and whatever else. but...i just want to have something in my life that i can not mess up for a little while. i dont want to be the one that "has a lot of guy-friends". i mean, i do want guys as friends, but not only that. i dont want to be seen as the one who can make you laugh and can help you out when you fight with your girlfriend. but i'm starting to see...that's exactly who i am. :-\
and for that reason (well, the root of that problem), i need to go back soon.