Don't It Make You Sad About It..
I've spent this past year(s) trying to please everyone but myself. I went from absolutely loving who I was and what I stood for (beliefs, strength, goals, decisions, passions, etc) to falling apart on myself. I feel the transition from someone who was happy in their skin & smiling all the time to someone who constantly second guesses herself, is so much more pessimistic & quiet is astounding. I turned into someone I never wanted to be.
As days go by, I've had the time to evaluate myself and the past few years of my life. Being 24 makes it evident that I don't have things in order. Is this entirely my fault? No. Is most of it? Yes. God. It fucking boggles my MIND how fucking happy I used to be. I don't think I was ever as happy in my life as I was from 2005-2006. The thing about those years that peaks my interest is that I spent a large time alone. I read a lot. I listened to even more music. I spent those years single. I did talk to Jer but we were strictly online and phone for the longest time. Friends mostly. It was when I truly discovered contemporary moral issues of philosophy and the intricate workings and tragic beauty of the religions of the world. Where I was disciplined and proved myself wrong. I showed myself how strong and determined I could be. That I WAS likable and had talent. That I was the one person I could rely on to pull me out of the spots I never wanted to be in.
I feel like crying.
I feel like I lost such a great part of myself these past years. I know that I have gained much wisdom and experience... but Jesus, at what cost? And I absolutely fucking hate when people I associate with make remarks about me being young or not as life experienced. Fuck you. From what I know about a lot of them, I have a lot of shit & "age" on them. Even though, sometimes, I wish I didn't.
I tell myself so often that I need to focus on me. I need to start talking to that girl that was once so happy. The last time I felt that close to that girl again was last Sept/Oct. Why don't I ever listen to myself and just do what I have to do... even if I don't really like it? I feel like such a fucking discarded, mutilated piece of a person. You each take a piece of my flesh, heart, mind and replace it with your scar tissue.
Jesus fuck, I need to just stop writing. Everything I write lately, I can't stand. I always think of deleting everything or making it private. It's all the same regurgitated piss poor shit. Ridiculous nonsense that needs to be cleaned off the floor and discarded.
I'm so afraid now.
As days go by, I've had the time to evaluate myself and the past few years of my life. Being 24 makes it evident that I don't have things in order. Is this entirely my fault? No. Is most of it? Yes. God. It fucking boggles my MIND how fucking happy I used to be. I don't think I was ever as happy in my life as I was from 2005-2006. The thing about those years that peaks my interest is that I spent a large time alone. I read a lot. I listened to even more music. I spent those years single. I did talk to Jer but we were strictly online and phone for the longest time. Friends mostly. It was when I truly discovered contemporary moral issues of philosophy and the intricate workings and tragic beauty of the religions of the world. Where I was disciplined and proved myself wrong. I showed myself how strong and determined I could be. That I WAS likable and had talent. That I was the one person I could rely on to pull me out of the spots I never wanted to be in.
I feel like crying.
I feel like I lost such a great part of myself these past years. I know that I have gained much wisdom and experience... but Jesus, at what cost? And I absolutely fucking hate when people I associate with make remarks about me being young or not as life experienced. Fuck you. From what I know about a lot of them, I have a lot of shit & "age" on them. Even though, sometimes, I wish I didn't.
I tell myself so often that I need to focus on me. I need to start talking to that girl that was once so happy. The last time I felt that close to that girl again was last Sept/Oct. Why don't I ever listen to myself and just do what I have to do... even if I don't really like it? I feel like such a fucking discarded, mutilated piece of a person. You each take a piece of my flesh, heart, mind and replace it with your scar tissue.
Jesus fuck, I need to just stop writing. Everything I write lately, I can't stand. I always think of deleting everything or making it private. It's all the same regurgitated piss poor shit. Ridiculous nonsense that needs to be cleaned off the floor and discarded.
I'm so afraid now.