(no subject)
I have been waiting for the right time to do this. Finally deal with my life, try to put it behind me, reflect on what i've been through and of course cry my eyes out. Where do I even begin? I thought maybe it would be better for me to not discuss the past, but instead focus on who I am now because of it, but I don't want to deny myself the feeling of release. Yes I went through a bad breakup; we all know this, and that is about all I will speak of that. Because more importantly, I lost myself and my focus in life. It was hands down the scariest few months of my life, and though I definitely did not go through them alone, in a sense, I really did have to rely on myself to grab myself out of the hole I was in and force myself to see the light. Not the easiest thing to do. Especially when I was so blinded and overwhelmed with feelings that would not allow for my success. I will never forget those feelings that held me back and I;m sure I havent seen the last of them, but I will never let them take over my life again. Though this may sound extreme, it was my reality. I was physically dying and emotionally dying. I did alot of damage to my body and to my soul that was incomprehensible. At the time, I couldnt see it. I had doctors upon doctors telling me that i needed to do something fast before I lost it all. But no one...not one of them gave up on me, and I am forever in their debt. The best way to describe it is suffocation. I was trying so hard to "breathe"..to find myself, my reason for living..and as hard as i wanted it, I was always held back...by myself. It was incredible..like I was staring at the damage done by the biggest tornado and saying to myself...how the hell am i going to put these pieces back together. i had no idea where to begin or what to do, but i found someone who changed my life and literally held my hand during this whole process and guided me out. i could not have done it without her. i am not ashamed to say that i went to seek help from a counselor; it was one of the smartest decisions i ever made. it's weird how the whole time i knew that i was in a life-changing stage in my life and that everything that was happening to me would mold me into the person i would be for the rest of my life. i feel like i've aged 30 years.
but i have found out an invaluable amount of information about myself. i saw myself at a crossroads and said..alissa, make a decision. and ive made the best one i think i could. i stopped fucking crying for once and enjoyed my life, the people in it, and through that, found who i am and what i want to do. im a pretty good person. i make people smile and laugh and i always will do that for the rest of my life. i will always be silly. i will always be smart and help people when they have questions. i will always see beauty in the simple things in life. i will never be a big drinker or partier. and despite what may have happened to me in the past..i will always value and search for true love. i know it will happen for me, because someone like me deserves a prince charming. i love the ocean and my home in new jersey. i value family and friendship more than anything. and i know i am blessed to be where i am in my life. i know this experience has made me a better person and a stronger person. and i will not put up with things that i dont need to. its really simple actually...if something or someone doesnt make u happy..stop doing it or talking to that person. why should someone else tell u how to be happy or when to be happy. im not going to settle. its stupid. which brings me to something that i need to talk about..my friends.
i have never felt so lucky to know some of you and i would not have made it through this without diana, melody, ashley, tracey, jenny, joanna. i owe each one of you my life..literally. but what do u do when a friendship has been stressed so much to the point that it may not recover..and is it bad that i kind of dont care? tyler tried his best to help me. he got incredibly frustrated and as much as he says i use him when im upset, he used me right back. we stopped talking then he would try to make it ok by showing up to my room, hug me for a while, comment on my ugly clothes, and then leave. and with the new philosophy i have on friendship and relationships in general, that is not going to fly anymore. yea he is going to be gone for a year and close to me this summer. and though i said i'd go see him, i doubt its going to happen. the last night i was at school he came over, begging to spend the night in my bed, and i let him come. i begged him to show me some type of emotion. some feeling he had towards me, this person that he cares about so much and wants to 'date before he graduates' whatever the hell that means. and he sat there and stared me in the eye and said that he lost alot of respect for me and pretty much that he hated me and then grabbed me and tried to put me in his lap and kiss me. and i started crying and in my head im like who is this fool. im not that fucking person that u can make me feel like shit and walk all over me and then think it will all be ok with a kiss. and i told him to get the fuck out and leave me alone. then he screamed at me that he will miss me and our relationship will 'work itself out' and that he'll write. i dont want him to write. im tired of that. he didnt expect me to be strong. i think alot of people dont expect me to be strong. i will not be treated like that ever again. i am not a victim. my love is priceless and people like him dont deserve it. someone one day will cherish it; i have NO doubt.
for now, this summer and my years to come, i will provide my happiness. i will be ok with just doing nothing. no more expectations. no more sadness. no more bullshit that will make me less of a person that i know i am and can be. my brother graduated today and it was like the biggest eye opener for me. that will be me in 2 years. what will i accomplish. what will i have to say for myself. and then i realized 2 years of college are already gone and what do i have to show for them.i know that i have potential to change the world. thats just who i am. im not afraid of doing what i love and i will not apologize for it. i feel like i need to learn more. i need more experience. maybe i do need to go abroad and live in my dream. i want to save animals. i want to learn about them and their behaviors and protect them from us. maybe ill design a zoo; maybe i wont. but the most important thing here to realize is that i see a future for myself. i see happiness as a strong possibility. a few months ago i did not think that could be a reality. and now i want to be a representation of the greatest form of education and of the power of believing in yourself. i am a force. an unstoppable force and hate me or love me, im not going anywhere. im not going back into that hole. you cant silence me. maybe this is a little dramatic or a little intense. but u have no idea the power of these realizations unless you went through a time in your life without them.
well i sure am emotionally drained. still unemployed. still bored. but hey..thats cool, because tomorrow i'll wake up and be happy to be alive. so suck on that, biotcchhess lol
but i have found out an invaluable amount of information about myself. i saw myself at a crossroads and said..alissa, make a decision. and ive made the best one i think i could. i stopped fucking crying for once and enjoyed my life, the people in it, and through that, found who i am and what i want to do. im a pretty good person. i make people smile and laugh and i always will do that for the rest of my life. i will always be silly. i will always be smart and help people when they have questions. i will always see beauty in the simple things in life. i will never be a big drinker or partier. and despite what may have happened to me in the past..i will always value and search for true love. i know it will happen for me, because someone like me deserves a prince charming. i love the ocean and my home in new jersey. i value family and friendship more than anything. and i know i am blessed to be where i am in my life. i know this experience has made me a better person and a stronger person. and i will not put up with things that i dont need to. its really simple actually...if something or someone doesnt make u happy..stop doing it or talking to that person. why should someone else tell u how to be happy or when to be happy. im not going to settle. its stupid. which brings me to something that i need to talk about..my friends.
i have never felt so lucky to know some of you and i would not have made it through this without diana, melody, ashley, tracey, jenny, joanna. i owe each one of you my life..literally. but what do u do when a friendship has been stressed so much to the point that it may not recover..and is it bad that i kind of dont care? tyler tried his best to help me. he got incredibly frustrated and as much as he says i use him when im upset, he used me right back. we stopped talking then he would try to make it ok by showing up to my room, hug me for a while, comment on my ugly clothes, and then leave. and with the new philosophy i have on friendship and relationships in general, that is not going to fly anymore. yea he is going to be gone for a year and close to me this summer. and though i said i'd go see him, i doubt its going to happen. the last night i was at school he came over, begging to spend the night in my bed, and i let him come. i begged him to show me some type of emotion. some feeling he had towards me, this person that he cares about so much and wants to 'date before he graduates' whatever the hell that means. and he sat there and stared me in the eye and said that he lost alot of respect for me and pretty much that he hated me and then grabbed me and tried to put me in his lap and kiss me. and i started crying and in my head im like who is this fool. im not that fucking person that u can make me feel like shit and walk all over me and then think it will all be ok with a kiss. and i told him to get the fuck out and leave me alone. then he screamed at me that he will miss me and our relationship will 'work itself out' and that he'll write. i dont want him to write. im tired of that. he didnt expect me to be strong. i think alot of people dont expect me to be strong. i will not be treated like that ever again. i am not a victim. my love is priceless and people like him dont deserve it. someone one day will cherish it; i have NO doubt.
for now, this summer and my years to come, i will provide my happiness. i will be ok with just doing nothing. no more expectations. no more sadness. no more bullshit that will make me less of a person that i know i am and can be. my brother graduated today and it was like the biggest eye opener for me. that will be me in 2 years. what will i accomplish. what will i have to say for myself. and then i realized 2 years of college are already gone and what do i have to show for them.i know that i have potential to change the world. thats just who i am. im not afraid of doing what i love and i will not apologize for it. i feel like i need to learn more. i need more experience. maybe i do need to go abroad and live in my dream. i want to save animals. i want to learn about them and their behaviors and protect them from us. maybe ill design a zoo; maybe i wont. but the most important thing here to realize is that i see a future for myself. i see happiness as a strong possibility. a few months ago i did not think that could be a reality. and now i want to be a representation of the greatest form of education and of the power of believing in yourself. i am a force. an unstoppable force and hate me or love me, im not going anywhere. im not going back into that hole. you cant silence me. maybe this is a little dramatic or a little intense. but u have no idea the power of these realizations unless you went through a time in your life without them.
well i sure am emotionally drained. still unemployed. still bored. but hey..thats cool, because tomorrow i'll wake up and be happy to be alive. so suck on that, biotcchhess lol