(no subject)
school has been pretty crazy...major adjustments in my life. too much to talk about right now...but i want to introduce you to my new boyfriend.....
..........chip. for those of you who dont know, eric and i are no longer together and i came to tufts thinking that i was gonna ban all boys forever and focus on school. once again, for those of you who knew me in highschool, you know thats unrealistic. lol. but for real, i met this boy. he tried to hook me up with his best friend, but that didnt even kind of work out. lol. he's so different than any other guy ive met in my life. he makes me laugh..all the time...like abs hurting, cant breathe, my DOLPHIN laugh kind of laugh. i havent stopped smiling since i met him, regardless of the argumanets we have had. he's so interesting (no, not ugly baby interesting)..i mean like...there are so many sides to him. i never stop discovering things about him or learning from him. he listens like no other. he is sweet and caring. he puts his heart out there for anyone in trouble and has taken care of me more times then i can count. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and i really love him. call me crazy. DO IT. lol. we've been dating for a month and i know i love him and that he is the one for me. im done looking. i have everything i could ever need in him. he is so smart and responsible. hes not a waste like other people i kno and at the same time, he's open for change.he respects me. he respects my wishes and my values. he is proud to be seen with me. like, are u serious? is that real???? i have to pinch myself everytime im with him. he's driven but he knows that his path in life can change any second. and he's so ready for any challenge that comes his way. he's only now realizing that im probably the biggest challenge hes had so far lol. but he does not give up on me. i cant tell you what that means. he does not give up on me. and, he wants me in his life. he wants to take care of me. he wants to love me. its amazing. hes amazing. he, besides melody, is my role model. i admire his endless capabilities. i wish i could be like that. you guys should really see us when we are together. u should see how i smile. but, at the same time. ive a handfull. ive gotten alot better with my jealousy issue. im not psycho anymore. ok, yea i am i always will be. but im dealing with it better lol. its just...we've come to a point in our relationship where i have to give...i have to compromise. i have to work on myself. no one likes to admit there is something wrong with themselves..but ive got relationship issue. and i really need to wake up before i lose the best thing that has happened to me. im stubborn. im a taurus. im sooo stubborn..ITS GENETIC TOO..so i feel a bit better about that lol..but regardless, it is an issue. i have too much pride. i never ever give in. i need to change. how do i fix this. i want to so bad, but how do i fix this. im so frustrating..to myself and im sure to him too. i need to just let myself go. i kno im not giving him 100% , because everyone is always afraid to be out there. to be critisized. to be embarassed. but im especailly bad with that. i dont want to be manipulated like i used to be. i dont want to be hurt like i used to be. but i kno if i am asking for him to change and be more understanding about me, then i kno i have to give back. im going to. im not even proud of myself to begin with lol, so i dont kno what im doing. i will stop. i have the motivation and i need to realize that its the reality of the situation. i suck at this part and its not going to work if i dont try. and ive never wanted anything to work as badly as i want this to work. dont give up on me cuz i will change. i act like a little child because ive always been spolied and when i dont get my way i get mad. but that has to stop. i kno im just afraid that if i do that i will give in too much and then eric will happen again. but i just have to get over that fear and trust myself.i kno another big thing is that im afriad of not being good enough. im afriad of not saying the right things. not doing the right things. being with someone older always is hard because they are more experienced. and with chip, he is SO much more experienced then me and im always afriad his experiences have allowed him to create an image in his head of the perfect gf and ill never live up to it. im afriad he compares me to his past realationships and wonders why i cant be like them. im afraid ill never be what he wants and so i get defensive. its such a bad idea but i put up a wall so that i cant be hurt when he tells me that there are things wrong with me. i dunno im messed up, but im going to fix it. itll be good. and ur all invited to the wedding lol.
i feel better. thanks for listening, lj...u were always so good at that.
im home kids. call me so we can hang out.
oh p.s. i love chip.
..........chip. for those of you who dont know, eric and i are no longer together and i came to tufts thinking that i was gonna ban all boys forever and focus on school. once again, for those of you who knew me in highschool, you know thats unrealistic. lol. but for real, i met this boy. he tried to hook me up with his best friend, but that didnt even kind of work out. lol. he's so different than any other guy ive met in my life. he makes me laugh..all the time...like abs hurting, cant breathe, my DOLPHIN laugh kind of laugh. i havent stopped smiling since i met him, regardless of the argumanets we have had. he's so interesting (no, not ugly baby interesting)..i mean like...there are so many sides to him. i never stop discovering things about him or learning from him. he listens like no other. he is sweet and caring. he puts his heart out there for anyone in trouble and has taken care of me more times then i can count. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and i really love him. call me crazy. DO IT. lol. we've been dating for a month and i know i love him and that he is the one for me. im done looking. i have everything i could ever need in him. he is so smart and responsible. hes not a waste like other people i kno and at the same time, he's open for change.he respects me. he respects my wishes and my values. he is proud to be seen with me. like, are u serious? is that real???? i have to pinch myself everytime im with him. he's driven but he knows that his path in life can change any second. and he's so ready for any challenge that comes his way. he's only now realizing that im probably the biggest challenge hes had so far lol. but he does not give up on me. i cant tell you what that means. he does not give up on me. and, he wants me in his life. he wants to take care of me. he wants to love me. its amazing. hes amazing. he, besides melody, is my role model. i admire his endless capabilities. i wish i could be like that. you guys should really see us when we are together. u should see how i smile. but, at the same time. ive a handfull. ive gotten alot better with my jealousy issue. im not psycho anymore. ok, yea i am i always will be. but im dealing with it better lol. its just...we've come to a point in our relationship where i have to give...i have to compromise. i have to work on myself. no one likes to admit there is something wrong with themselves..but ive got relationship issue. and i really need to wake up before i lose the best thing that has happened to me. im stubborn. im a taurus. im sooo stubborn..ITS GENETIC TOO..so i feel a bit better about that lol..but regardless, it is an issue. i have too much pride. i never ever give in. i need to change. how do i fix this. i want to so bad, but how do i fix this. im so frustrating..to myself and im sure to him too. i need to just let myself go. i kno im not giving him 100% , because everyone is always afraid to be out there. to be critisized. to be embarassed. but im especailly bad with that. i dont want to be manipulated like i used to be. i dont want to be hurt like i used to be. but i kno if i am asking for him to change and be more understanding about me, then i kno i have to give back. im going to. im not even proud of myself to begin with lol, so i dont kno what im doing. i will stop. i have the motivation and i need to realize that its the reality of the situation. i suck at this part and its not going to work if i dont try. and ive never wanted anything to work as badly as i want this to work. dont give up on me cuz i will change. i act like a little child because ive always been spolied and when i dont get my way i get mad. but that has to stop. i kno im just afraid that if i do that i will give in too much and then eric will happen again. but i just have to get over that fear and trust myself.i kno another big thing is that im afriad of not being good enough. im afriad of not saying the right things. not doing the right things. being with someone older always is hard because they are more experienced. and with chip, he is SO much more experienced then me and im always afriad his experiences have allowed him to create an image in his head of the perfect gf and ill never live up to it. im afriad he compares me to his past realationships and wonders why i cant be like them. im afraid ill never be what he wants and so i get defensive. its such a bad idea but i put up a wall so that i cant be hurt when he tells me that there are things wrong with me. i dunno im messed up, but im going to fix it. itll be good. and ur all invited to the wedding lol.
i feel better. thanks for listening, lj...u were always so good at that.
im home kids. call me so we can hang out.
oh p.s. i love chip.