the speed of life

[xolil_lyssaox]

i feel as though my life is flying by me. this particular summer, i am wasting my time working two jobs in attempts to make money and make certain people proud, including myself. i work my butt off every day, every week, every hour in order to achieve specific goals i've set for myself. i've never felt so determined in my life to reach something. or at least not recently. i am a zombie. a walking body with a wandering mind. i find myself unfocused and off in another world most times. i do what i'm told and i do it well because that's what you're supposed to do in life right? just shut up and do what you're told so you can ultimately get what you need/want. i am getting what i want but at what cost. i miss my friends. i miss my family even more. i feel so far away from everyone. i find myself much closer to tori which makes me happy. im strengthening the friendships i can while up here with the friends available to me but i still miss my closest friends. i miss my bed and my moms cooking and feeling like a kid. i just feel like this a completely wasted summer. all i've done is bust my ass and i hardly get credit for it. you do fantastic work and you get a morsel of recognition but when you slip up just a teensy weensy bit, it's like you were never good to begin with. its just really frustrating. my moods are so up and down. mostly up but when they're down, i get really critcal of myself and i start feelign pathetic. i am not doing anything with my life right now and i feel worthless.
i can't wait to vacation with family in california. i need a break so badly. i need a change of scenery. all the guys im surrounded by are probably a waste of time, but boys and friends do help pass the time. i need a hobby.
california get here quickly. ten days. should be quick.
i hope and pray.