(no subject)
ok .. so i love helping everyone and listening to their problems and jsut straight out .. being there for them .. but i hate it how i feel like i dont speak up half the time i want to .. and i cant' be really mean and rude when i need to .. i kno that sounds bad but why do i just sit here and act all awesome to ppl when i KNOW that they wouldnt' do that to me .. or when that kid (who i'm not sayin his name cuz i'd feel wicked bad) mustered up all his courage and asked me to a movie .. and why couldn't i jsut be like .. no, i'm sorry i dont like you like that .. instead i was just like wwwweeeeellll i'm busy now but here's my s/n .. all the tiem hoping that he'd lose it or accidentily leave in his jeans pocket as it got ruined in the wash ..and this isnt the type of person to talk to girls. .its obvious he doesnt really know how to .. but I FEEL SO DAMN BAD .. i feel like i have to be there for everyone and always be able to help .. and i cnat' make myslef realize that sometimes there is NOTHING i can do .. or a lot of times i make things harder on me and take on so much extra stress and pressure so that i can make them feel better .. nad i mena i love doing that .. i do .. i like seeing people aroudn me happy and satisfied. . but that's jsut it. . everyone aruond me is happy and satisfied and tehn ther'es me . . yea i'm cheery or w/e u wanna call me .. but there's so much i lack and so much i NEED to change about me .. and so much that i'm missing out on .. i look around and see my friends .. who are so fortunate with their lives and have so much going for them and who i am so fond of .. sit and actually cry for reasons that they wont even remember come tomorrow .. i dotn get it .. i just dont .. there's one in particular .. who i do love dearly .. but i jsut dont get it .. every element of this person's life is great and they KNOW it .. i've discussed it with them .. relationship wise, grade wise, everything.. and yet this person sits there and complains about things .. everything .. and aww i wish i could jsut sit here and vent but i cant . .cuz then everyone would knowho i'm talking about and that's just .. well not right
another thing on my mind lately .. how many "fake" people are coming into my life. and i dont mean looks fake or anythign liek that .. i mean straight out constantly contradicting themselves, unreliable, cocky, egotistical people .. and day by day .. i'm becoming less and less trusting and ihate that .. so much
and i've been worrying a lot about how others perceive me .. honestly .. stupid things like that get to me .. instead of the things i should be spending time thinking about .. like school and my future and all the other priorities that i constantly push aside .. ahhh there's so much that i search for .. i yearn for an escape .. somewhere far away where i can feel rejuvenated adn fresh .. and then i tremble at the thought of having to start all over again ..
i just dont make any sense ..