jumbled emotions
so .. its' 12:30 and i do have to get up in 5 hours and i cant fall asleep adn i had the longest day everr and i'm crying and it feels so weird cuz i havent cried in soo long and i dont kno why and there's so many things i wish could be different .. and i dont kno what i'm doing or where i'm going in life or waht i want to be or how i want to act or how i present myself. . or if its even worht my time thinking about all this stuff ..
i feel like i'll be eternally confused .. everything was so perfect not so long ago and i was so happy .. truly happy .. i'd look forward to going to school and seeing everyone and dressing up and even workin .. hah imagine that .. looking forward to going to work and seeing the "regulars" and surprising them with their already memorized orders and having them call me"smiley" or "spunky" or one of the other hundred nicknames i've acquired at great 'ole dunkin .. and now .. i had to start thinking ,, i honestly hate when i think about life. . how fast it flies by and my fear of change .. i am soo scared of change. . i hate it .. i hate not being 100 % sure of things . i hate not being able to find out everything about something .. and not knowing what seems so essential to me but really doenst matter .. i hate wanting somehting so bad and not being able to get it for myself .. i hate thinking about the future. . i dont kno what college will be like .. i'm so used to comp .. and despite all the terrible things about it .. i'd so much rather keep up this life for longer .. just cuz i'm used to it and i somewhat know what to expect and everthing is sort of routine .. ahh imgine .. me wanting routine .. the girl who used to always hate schedules and hate watches and time and limitations .. and now i'm preferring a routine life?? noo .. i dont even know what i want .. i wish i could just figure things out with the snap of a finger .. ughh there i go dreaming again .. sometimes i wish i wanst such a dreamer .. unrealistic thoughts .. i hope for things im almost sure will never happen .. and i do it so often that i almost convince myself tehy're possible ..
i sit here and htink of how scared i am of change and new things and then i sit here and think of how much i HATE being closed up and "stuck" in chicopee. . and how i want to move and discover new territories and meet new peopleand start all over .. so fresh, so clean, rejuvenateed ...
it's one now and natalia jsut called me THANK GOODD ,,i friggin love that girl .. she always knows exactly waht to say and exactly when to call and exactly how to help .. weird...