Ready for change.
I don’t usually update my blogs anymore because I don’t people in my business, but lately I have been wanting to and here we are. I don’t get a lot of things in this world, especially how idiotic some people are. For example: Why would girls/boys even have a girlfriend/boyfriend if they were going to cheat on them. If you wanna have sex/hook up/ make out/ w.e with another then be single. You know why I think people do it? Because they don’t want look alone, esp. those people who keep going back to their ex’s thinking this time will be different. Whether they cheat, hit you, call you foul names, use you, they still go back, looks to me like they are a little self conscious and care what people think. I’m not saying I have much experience in this field because trust me I haven’t. The one guy I put my heart and soul into disappointed me and it can happen again and again but what I do know is how to protect my heart. I’ve grown up seeing many relationships fail and I know what is the wrong and right thing to do in a relationship. My mom divorced 2 times, the first one was my sister’s dad and he left her alone to raise my sister and from that she grew stronger. My dad and mom’s relationship was prolly a move-to-fast kinda thing but when they divorced I wasn’t old enough to realize what was happening. However as I grew up, I saw the struggle it was, balancing a kid back and forth and honestly I enjoyed it. I got a break from each parent every other weekend, but for some kids it scars them for life. I think my issue is and why I put a shield over my heart because the men in my life have disappointed me not hurt me. My dad isn’t really in my life, he is more like a give money kind of dad [that’s not always bad] but sometimes I wonder did he even want a kid, if u look at it, in his past marriages he didn’t have but one and then I suddenly out of the blue appear.. kinda unexpected and I think not planned. My step dad has been like the real dad in my life, he disciplines me, makes me laugh, advises me, etc but he does know how to annoy and piss the hell out of me. And as for relationships, well I’ve only really had one long ass one, with Jared. He was my best friend.. didn’t judge me for anything and I always found something wrong in our relationship, so I would end it. This past summer I realized the thing that was wrong was me, I was guarding him from my true feelings and by the time I was ready, he had moved on. I am over it now and don’t care much to pity about it but you can’t blame a girl for pouting once in a while. So I’ve went through some rough times with men, but I know what is right and wrong.. how come they don’t? Those who go back with their husbands/boyfriends/companions who have abused them in such a way?? I guess that a mystery with in their hearts. I’m a junior in high school and I can honestly admit I haven’t ever had a true boyfriend, and for the longest time I have been looking, longing for one, but I think the truth of the matter is, I want someone to complete me and before they can complete me I need to know me. I’m a very self-conscious person, always have been, and I mostly take things out on my self. I view my self as a screw up numerous times, but I shouldn’t do that but its hard to break old habits. I don’t know how many times I can say I’ve cried my self to sleep wondering why I’m not happy and the answer is still un known. I put my self into such high expectations and break under criticism, but starting now I’m going to change that. I don’t care what people think about this blog, its my life.. go live yours. I put my words on paper because that’s easier than saying it out loud. I don’t want to live my last summer in high school, senior year, and rest of my life unhappy. I need a change.