(no subject)

[xokelsie]

why do i fucking get my hopes up EVERY FUCKING TIME. ive never met anyone who can twist me like he can. every time i get close to getting over him, everytime i go out on a date with someone else, anytime i do ANYTHIING i think about him. just THINKING about him makes me wanna die. when we broke up the first time i thought id never get over him. it turned out i didnt need to-we got back together. and now, im back in the same place i was in december. except its different now. when we broke up in april it wasnt for someone else, it was because neither of us had the time for us anymore. but we still were us in a way, we hung out alllll the time. he was my best friend, i could still tell him everything. no awkwardness, nothing. we both were just waiting till the time was right to get back together..at least thats what he told me. and now, we were JUST starting to work again, every feeling i ever had for him was back. and now hes with jess again. i couldnt handle it the first time, this is even worse. i feel so betrayed and lost. jess and me were just back to being friends. we started to have fun together. i told her things. and trevor, he knew everything about me. probably more than anyone else. i just dont know what im gunna do. he told me he wants to be friends. i was ok with being friends when there was that hope, that possiblity, that we could get back together. we were gunna get back together, thats how i could be his friend. but now were not. and i cant do it. i dont get him. its like he wants to see me hit rock bottom again. this isnt him, it cant be. the trevor i know cant do this to me. he cares so much. he loves being around me, he hates it when im sad. the trevor i know is the one who brought me milky way ice cream when i was sick, the one who carried me around on his shoulders so i could see everyone at the taste of chaos. this trevor isnt the real one, he would never want me to feel this bad. i just dont get him. i dont get anyone. thank god for mattie, she is my best friend in the entire world. no one can even compare, i cant believe how lucky i am. thank you mattie, for everything. and zach, thanks to you too. thanks for being like the only fucking guy alive who isnt a dick. mattie's lucky, but then again, so are you.

im so glad schools out on friday. i cant wait to go home. being around them would be too much for me.

i just need to talk to him..