i'm gonna get in trouble for this entry i think
you make me happy. you make me sad. you make me think back. you make me smile. you make me vulnerable. you make me innocent. you make me young. you make me sweet. you make me dance. you make me cry. you make me raw. you make me emotional. you make me helpless. you make me feel.
how is it that i can be strong and poised all day...and then one person can do the tiniest thing and i become unglued? i feel in complete control about almost everything in my life right now...until you.
you shouldn't even matter to me anymore! so why the hell can you affect me like no one else can?
is it really just residual attraction? or could we defy all odds and actually have something more? not just more, not just more than they think we have but something real?
i feel sadness and happiness in everything that you do and everything that you say. i feel caught, trapped, stuck.
its funny because i laugh daily at those stupid girls who get their heart caught up in a man that wants nothing, except if they're lucky a piece of ass, from them. i think i'm stronger or better somehow, when really its just that i shut everyone out so that i don't have the opportunity to become one of those girls that disgust me in their naivety. and i see their mistakes and i learn. i learn the difference between how men perceive things versus how women perceive things. and it makes me cold and hard and unforgiving.
but you get in. and i turn into one of those clueless fucking girls. because you don't care. and i know that...really i do.
so why does my heart still yearn?
how can my head and heart still be playing this game of tug-o-war?
my heart feels you, feels us and the connection we have...or i guess that i just have towards you, because my head says, he's not yours anymore and he never will be.
i can accept that, i really can.
i can pretend that i will find something better someday, someone who will be better than even you could.
so when will someone else make me FEEL? no one else can even do that, much less make me feel good.
i feel like i've said this all before, i've felt this all before, i've done this all before. i say i want it to be done but in reality i'm clinging to the small part of you that i can keep in my life.
and i've been single, i've dated other people, i've figured out what i want and what i need...and what i need right now shouldn't and doesn't involve you.
so why do i have to fight so hard?
there seems to be no exhaustion to the "what ifs" and the "maybes" surrounding us...and i know i have to end them myself, so why is it so difficult? why do i still toy with this idea that we're somehow different or special?
in pictures we're happy.
is it possible for me to love you knowing that you can never love me back?
if it is, am i strong enough to try?
i don't think you realize that you still have the capacity to elicit all these emotions in me. and you shouldn't be able to. i should put an end to that - note to self.
i wish i could find my words again. everything that comes out here is such a mess. but no words can explain the raw emotion, confusion, helplessness that i can feel. emotions are hard to convey in meaningless sentences and words.
"i hate you, i love you, i just can't remember to forget you...i'm honest to myself that the truth is i lied"
now that i've released my complete and total inner emo girl, i'm back to smothering and hiding any emotion i might feel in order to be productive, successful and at least content.
how is it that i can be strong and poised all day...and then one person can do the tiniest thing and i become unglued? i feel in complete control about almost everything in my life right now...until you.
you shouldn't even matter to me anymore! so why the hell can you affect me like no one else can?
is it really just residual attraction? or could we defy all odds and actually have something more? not just more, not just more than they think we have but something real?
i feel sadness and happiness in everything that you do and everything that you say. i feel caught, trapped, stuck.
its funny because i laugh daily at those stupid girls who get their heart caught up in a man that wants nothing, except if they're lucky a piece of ass, from them. i think i'm stronger or better somehow, when really its just that i shut everyone out so that i don't have the opportunity to become one of those girls that disgust me in their naivety. and i see their mistakes and i learn. i learn the difference between how men perceive things versus how women perceive things. and it makes me cold and hard and unforgiving.
but you get in. and i turn into one of those clueless fucking girls. because you don't care. and i know that...really i do.
so why does my heart still yearn?
how can my head and heart still be playing this game of tug-o-war?
my heart feels you, feels us and the connection we have...or i guess that i just have towards you, because my head says, he's not yours anymore and he never will be.
i can accept that, i really can.
i can pretend that i will find something better someday, someone who will be better than even you could.
so when will someone else make me FEEL? no one else can even do that, much less make me feel good.
i feel like i've said this all before, i've felt this all before, i've done this all before. i say i want it to be done but in reality i'm clinging to the small part of you that i can keep in my life.
and i've been single, i've dated other people, i've figured out what i want and what i need...and what i need right now shouldn't and doesn't involve you.
so why do i have to fight so hard?
there seems to be no exhaustion to the "what ifs" and the "maybes" surrounding us...and i know i have to end them myself, so why is it so difficult? why do i still toy with this idea that we're somehow different or special?
in pictures we're happy.
is it possible for me to love you knowing that you can never love me back?
if it is, am i strong enough to try?
i don't think you realize that you still have the capacity to elicit all these emotions in me. and you shouldn't be able to. i should put an end to that - note to self.
i wish i could find my words again. everything that comes out here is such a mess. but no words can explain the raw emotion, confusion, helplessness that i can feel. emotions are hard to convey in meaningless sentences and words.
"i hate you, i love you, i just can't remember to forget you...i'm honest to myself that the truth is i lied"
now that i've released my complete and total inner emo girl, i'm back to smothering and hiding any emotion i might feel in order to be productive, successful and at least content.