It's been a while...
Yesterday was Hadien's birthday. She didn't even call me. I know that sounds wrong, Like I should have called her but she knows I don't know the number and that it's long distance. Anyway, in case she ever gets a chance to read this entry. I love you Hadien. Happy 15th Birthday.I miss her alot. I remember all the times we used to go to the mall, and that walk we took like at the end of last year with Sarah Kristin and Shana, I don't know. I don't know I feel about her anymore. It's like she's just a memory.
Everything has been so sad lately. Alot of people are dying. I didn't know any of them, but still it's weird. I never expected my friends to know someone who died, or someone in my school to die. If someone close to me ever died, I don't know how I would deal with it. Like last year, I remember when I was laying in the hospital and I didn't know how Nicole was. I didn't know if she was dead or alive. I didn't know what to think or what to do, and nobody could give me any information, and I was so angry when my dad didn't take me to see her that night after me and Sarah we allowed to leave. Everyone else saw her that night but me. I was upset.
I feel like I'm preaching or something, but it's true, you never think anything bad can happen to you. I still don't think anything can, and the accident seems like it never happened, It's like it was a dream. Sometimes I don't even remember that Nicole wasn't in school for 3 months. I can't believe it will be a year this Sunday. A whole year. It feels like a dream I had yesterday. I don't know what it's going to be like this weekend, not having Hadien around to remember it with. It's funny when people ask me what happened, I say it like it was nothing, just some dream I had.. that never really happened.
It's kind of weird also. Everyone is in college. My brothers, their friends.. and I soon will be. 2 more years isn't alot. Especially if those two years go by as fast as last year did and as this year is going. Me and Sarah have this whole thing planned out, and I'm trying to convince myself it is going to work out, but It probably won't. I don't know what I'm going to do after Highschool. I know I want to go to college, but I don't want to go to Cumberland County I want to get out of Millville and live in a college dorm. But I probably won't. At least not with my grades and lack of extra curricular activities. This year was supposed to be different, and I say that every year, It never seems to work.
I remember when I was little, I used to think 16 was SO old. It's not. I feel like a little kid still. I'll be 16 in february and I'll be getting my permit then, or soon after. That means, Next school year in Feb. I'll have my license. It kind of doesn't make sense, How much growing up do you do in one year? It seems like I need alot more before I'm 17. I'm going to be so paranoid driving at night, or in rain.. or next to big trucks and buses. Don't get me wrong .. I do want to drive... I just wish driving was easier. I used to watch Saved by the Bell and shows like that set in highschools, and I thought that's what 15 16 and 17 year olds were supposed to look like. I never actually knew that the people who played those characters on those TV shows were older then the ages they were trying to be. So I always thought when I grew up, that I would look so much older then I do now.
I've been kind of distant from my parents lately, I just don't like them to talk to me at all. I just want to sit here, and do nothing and not be asked any questions. I'd rather not eat dinner with them but it's the least I can do. I hate how something is automatticaly wrong if I'm sleeping, Like I'm sick or depressed or something. Apparently I don't smile alot and my parents must think I'm some kind of maniac. I don't know what it is. But I like sleeping. I like the weekends.. when I hardly come home, and if I'm home my parents aren't and I can sit and watch a movie or soemthing. I just like being with my friends alot. plus, if I don't talk to my parents, just do my chores and then leave, there are less fights. I do my chores, they do what they want.. we both don't talk to eachother, all is well.
I don't even know what I think about all day. I don't do anything at home except sit here, I must think about something. There are alot of times when I am talking to no one, and I just sit here and go into these staring modes. I did that in school the other day alot. I don't know. I miss having friends. Like cody, and Nick and Sarah and Nicole. I mnean yeah, I'm still cool with all of them, but we used to see eachother like every day, and now .. everything is different. I read throught my old journal and sarah's old journal, and there are all these entries about the 5 of us, doing a whole buncha fun shit. I miss it. Oh well..
I don't even know what i've been doing the past couple days. Yesterday Nicole and cody came over, the day before that I sat here and got in a fight with nick, uhh the day before that I don't know, and I just can't remember anything past tuesday. This weekend there was.. umm... a party on Friday, and then Saturday I went to Jess's and sunday Me Sarah and Shana hung out.. I haven't been doing anything productive. Maybe I should start going to the gym. hmm.....
Hey Julie, Your birthday is Monday correct? Well.. Happy Early Birthday. I love you so much. :)
Everything has been so sad lately. Alot of people are dying. I didn't know any of them, but still it's weird. I never expected my friends to know someone who died, or someone in my school to die. If someone close to me ever died, I don't know how I would deal with it. Like last year, I remember when I was laying in the hospital and I didn't know how Nicole was. I didn't know if she was dead or alive. I didn't know what to think or what to do, and nobody could give me any information, and I was so angry when my dad didn't take me to see her that night after me and Sarah we allowed to leave. Everyone else saw her that night but me. I was upset.
I feel like I'm preaching or something, but it's true, you never think anything bad can happen to you. I still don't think anything can, and the accident seems like it never happened, It's like it was a dream. Sometimes I don't even remember that Nicole wasn't in school for 3 months. I can't believe it will be a year this Sunday. A whole year. It feels like a dream I had yesterday. I don't know what it's going to be like this weekend, not having Hadien around to remember it with. It's funny when people ask me what happened, I say it like it was nothing, just some dream I had.. that never really happened.
It's kind of weird also. Everyone is in college. My brothers, their friends.. and I soon will be. 2 more years isn't alot. Especially if those two years go by as fast as last year did and as this year is going. Me and Sarah have this whole thing planned out, and I'm trying to convince myself it is going to work out, but It probably won't. I don't know what I'm going to do after Highschool. I know I want to go to college, but I don't want to go to Cumberland County I want to get out of Millville and live in a college dorm. But I probably won't. At least not with my grades and lack of extra curricular activities. This year was supposed to be different, and I say that every year, It never seems to work.
I remember when I was little, I used to think 16 was SO old. It's not. I feel like a little kid still. I'll be 16 in february and I'll be getting my permit then, or soon after. That means, Next school year in Feb. I'll have my license. It kind of doesn't make sense, How much growing up do you do in one year? It seems like I need alot more before I'm 17. I'm going to be so paranoid driving at night, or in rain.. or next to big trucks and buses. Don't get me wrong .. I do want to drive... I just wish driving was easier. I used to watch Saved by the Bell and shows like that set in highschools, and I thought that's what 15 16 and 17 year olds were supposed to look like. I never actually knew that the people who played those characters on those TV shows were older then the ages they were trying to be. So I always thought when I grew up, that I would look so much older then I do now.
I've been kind of distant from my parents lately, I just don't like them to talk to me at all. I just want to sit here, and do nothing and not be asked any questions. I'd rather not eat dinner with them but it's the least I can do. I hate how something is automatticaly wrong if I'm sleeping, Like I'm sick or depressed or something. Apparently I don't smile alot and my parents must think I'm some kind of maniac. I don't know what it is. But I like sleeping. I like the weekends.. when I hardly come home, and if I'm home my parents aren't and I can sit and watch a movie or soemthing. I just like being with my friends alot. plus, if I don't talk to my parents, just do my chores and then leave, there are less fights. I do my chores, they do what they want.. we both don't talk to eachother, all is well.
I don't even know what I think about all day. I don't do anything at home except sit here, I must think about something. There are alot of times when I am talking to no one, and I just sit here and go into these staring modes. I did that in school the other day alot. I don't know. I miss having friends. Like cody, and Nick and Sarah and Nicole. I mnean yeah, I'm still cool with all of them, but we used to see eachother like every day, and now .. everything is different. I read throught my old journal and sarah's old journal, and there are all these entries about the 5 of us, doing a whole buncha fun shit. I miss it. Oh well..
I don't even know what i've been doing the past couple days. Yesterday Nicole and cody came over, the day before that I sat here and got in a fight with nick, uhh the day before that I don't know, and I just can't remember anything past tuesday. This weekend there was.. umm... a party on Friday, and then Saturday I went to Jess's and sunday Me Sarah and Shana hung out.. I haven't been doing anything productive. Maybe I should start going to the gym. hmm.....
Hey Julie, Your birthday is Monday correct? Well.. Happy Early Birthday. I love you so much. :)