this is my one emotional livejournal entry for the year.

[xojennakateox]

I stumble into this tiny room, smelling like zinfandel and cigarettes, and wishes for something different. And all I can do is laugh. How did this happen? How did I end up right back where I started years ago. It's absurd. It's obscene. This tiny room is offensive. Life is cackling in my face and all I can do is laugh along, hoping that something better comes soon. Hoping that I can make the choice to move on to something better. Instead I am stuck, strangled in quicksand, choking me, pulling me down further and further until I can't breathe, and my chest pulls, even though there's no room for it to move. I think they call it loneliness. I think they call it sadness. I don't know. I can't feel it. I just feel the hands around my throat, and the voice in my ear telling me "It will all be ok." And it will. As soon as the hands release their grip and my chest is wide open and I allow the tears to fall down my cheeks. When I can hold my pillow and sob until the sun rises and my blankets are sopping wet and I can finally breathe again. That's when it will be ok. And I will be ok. I will. Eventually. Soon. I will find something better. I will find me. And it will be my turn to laugh, not ironically, not forced, I will laugh from deep inside me. A happy laugh. A satisfied laugh. A laugh that doesn't leave any room for doubt. That day is coming soon. I can feel it. I can taste it. This is a time for rejoice. A time for new beginnings. A time to reinvent who I am and who I have been. This is a time for me. And for that, I am grateful.

Cheers to new beginnings.