Growing Up
Long chat with Haley today about life, love and how we feel stuck in it....
How is it that i can be in a major working towards a career that was just listed at the 4th best in the country, and still feel so unhappy all the time? I knew it was going to be hard when I applied, and when I think about PT, I genuinely love it....I think its that, as a DPT student, I'm stuck. Like Haley said, we're stuck in this limbo. We're adults, but we can act like them. We can't get engaged, married, own houses, or even pets, because we just dont have the time to devote to that yet. Everyone is graduating in May. Moving on and getting jobs and moving forward in their lives. Not us. We get to watch them do everything we want, but can't have. All I want is some time for myself. Time to just live my life and move forward, but instead I'm staring down the barrel at 2 more years before I can even entertain the possibility of my life moving forwards.
There's so many things I want from life, and I dont want to have to wait for them. School is so stressful, and the only people who understand are Ali, Haley and Courtney, because they are the ones doing it with me. I'm in such a constant state of panic, and having things to get done, that the littlest thing will set me off and make me mad. Stuff I never would have been mad about before. Its hard to know that I am living in such a stressed way. Is it too much to ask to just get some time to relax a bit. Between tests, quizes, assignments, papers, presentations, practicals and patients (lets not forget patients and SOAP notes) sleep and food have become the luxury, not the priority. I've lost almost 10 pounds since September, not because I tried to (although I'm not complaining) but because I literally dont have enough time for food. Since when did food become an option? Apparently since I decided to become a doctor.
And love...I dont know how I'd do all this without Mark. He's always there to listen when I need to just vent (which I do alot) and to support me. I'm one of the lucky ones. Most people aren't as lucky as me. Its killing me to want to be there for my friend and support her, but I know that there's nothing I can do, because I cant fix her love life and situation. I can't make it any easier, and its so hard for me. I hate seeing her hurting...I just want the answers. I want a fairy godmother to pop out of the sky one day and say "I know its hard now, but it's all going to be worth in in the end" and shake her wand and just give me a picture of the future. Something to look forward to and be happy about.
Everything around me is moving so fast, and I'm constantly caught up in it. I need to just remember to breathe and relax. I have so many good things in my life right now. I've gotten back into the sport I was born to do, and I'm making huge progress in it. I have my family, and my health, and the best friends anyone could ask for. It may have taken me 3 years to find them, but I guess its a case of better late than never. Its hard on the bad days to find something to smile about, but then I spend some time with my girls, and we end up laughing. So i guess that's my silver lining. That on the worst days, we can find something to laugh about, even if it's ourselves. We're all going to get through this, and we're going to do it together.
Venting is good for the soul.
How is it that i can be in a major working towards a career that was just listed at the 4th best in the country, and still feel so unhappy all the time? I knew it was going to be hard when I applied, and when I think about PT, I genuinely love it....I think its that, as a DPT student, I'm stuck. Like Haley said, we're stuck in this limbo. We're adults, but we can act like them. We can't get engaged, married, own houses, or even pets, because we just dont have the time to devote to that yet. Everyone is graduating in May. Moving on and getting jobs and moving forward in their lives. Not us. We get to watch them do everything we want, but can't have. All I want is some time for myself. Time to just live my life and move forward, but instead I'm staring down the barrel at 2 more years before I can even entertain the possibility of my life moving forwards.
There's so many things I want from life, and I dont want to have to wait for them. School is so stressful, and the only people who understand are Ali, Haley and Courtney, because they are the ones doing it with me. I'm in such a constant state of panic, and having things to get done, that the littlest thing will set me off and make me mad. Stuff I never would have been mad about before. Its hard to know that I am living in such a stressed way. Is it too much to ask to just get some time to relax a bit. Between tests, quizes, assignments, papers, presentations, practicals and patients (lets not forget patients and SOAP notes) sleep and food have become the luxury, not the priority. I've lost almost 10 pounds since September, not because I tried to (although I'm not complaining) but because I literally dont have enough time for food. Since when did food become an option? Apparently since I decided to become a doctor.
And love...I dont know how I'd do all this without Mark. He's always there to listen when I need to just vent (which I do alot) and to support me. I'm one of the lucky ones. Most people aren't as lucky as me. Its killing me to want to be there for my friend and support her, but I know that there's nothing I can do, because I cant fix her love life and situation. I can't make it any easier, and its so hard for me. I hate seeing her hurting...I just want the answers. I want a fairy godmother to pop out of the sky one day and say "I know its hard now, but it's all going to be worth in in the end" and shake her wand and just give me a picture of the future. Something to look forward to and be happy about.
Everything around me is moving so fast, and I'm constantly caught up in it. I need to just remember to breathe and relax. I have so many good things in my life right now. I've gotten back into the sport I was born to do, and I'm making huge progress in it. I have my family, and my health, and the best friends anyone could ask for. It may have taken me 3 years to find them, but I guess its a case of better late than never. Its hard on the bad days to find something to smile about, but then I spend some time with my girls, and we end up laughing. So i guess that's my silver lining. That on the worst days, we can find something to laugh about, even if it's ourselves. We're all going to get through this, and we're going to do it together.
Venting is good for the soul.