(no subject)
I did the best I could to get by today. I had what would be called a "bad-dream" that freaked me out enough for me to get up at 12pm (much earlier than I planned to) and go to my mother's apt just to tell her about it and also tell her that i've not been feeling well lately...in fact im depressed I dont even feel like smoking and thats why im worried (and for u smart-asses out there: yes, I know smoking is bad, bcancer, cancer, cancer, death, death, death) which at this point in my life is starting to sound pretty fucking appealing except for the fact that I gotta live for someone other than myself so I pretty much screwed myself over...actually I am enjoying my little offspring who calls me her "berry best friend ever!" ... I think it's gonna break my heart when she calls someone else that...*__*.
In about a year and a half I will be in Chicago, so for the meantime that im stuck in Dallas I guess i'll do what everyone else does which is pretty much work, poop, shower(occasionally), sleep, and get "like totally excited" when I actually have plans for the weekend... my plan is to get to Chicago with a decent amount of $$$ so I guess this will do for the meantime. Someone actually called me back about a job at a grocery store today (out of the billion applications i've turned in everywhere!) Now my life really is starting to sound like Tracy Chapman's, "fast car"!
Well everything went well on Wednesday. I got up early and hit almost every place that I passed by with an application, then later on I went swing dancing with my homie (Lil'Baby Jesus) and 2 of his cousins. We had fun with those crazy swingers!! lol Ziggy even came up with a name for our little crew...we are now known as "the non-dancing, dancing crew" ha ha ha I thought that was the funniest shit that nite! but then we sure proved them wrong when we clumsily danced around looking like chickens with our heads chopped off! it was fun but kinda embarrasing and the whole time I was there I kept thinking..."I never thought i'd be trying to learn how to swing-dance much less actually dance...and much much less almost thinking "it was like so much fun!" I probably would have thought that if it was'nt because I was kind of deppresed.
After that we went to play pool. The girl my homie likes was there too, we had hung out with her last wednesday also, she's really nice, we danced a little or more like she grabbed me twirled me around alot and I acted all squeaky and girly-like because her forcefulness was turning me on!!!! lol j/k ...I hope if by any crazy chance u read this dont freak out LOL! I had alot of fun dancing with you :)
At the end of the night even though everything turned out pretty fun I still was'nt feeling quite myself.
Im not sure why or how long it's gonna take but I hope my cure lies within getting a job...ANY JOB!!
Im getting very VERY IRRITABLE!!! and if it keeps up im gonna start fucking up with the few people I actually care about...
I went to church ... I had alot of things on my mind, I had'nt voluntarily stepped into a church in my whole life, of course im not including easters when Luz wanted to go so I just smiled and said "sure" or the easter when I was 7 and my mother just felt like it was something to do. Im not even baptized nor have I ever done the first communion or even had a catillion im not even sure if im calling it right!
Yet I always wanted to go without actually wanting something in return... I just wanted to talk to Him...I realize I could have done that within the "comfort" of my home but then again you wouldnt know what my home is like...2 words ...The Zoo.
I just wanted to feel ...or actually I just wanted to be alone, well I always want to be alone but this time I wanted to talk to someone other than myself...
When I got there I did'nt know what to say, I just sat there in the weird lighting and then I think He told me to organize myself...or maybe im going crazy... I dont know either way that's what im gonna do and then when im ready I will go back and talk to Him.
I hope im not going crazy, im scared of this journal now.
In about a year and a half I will be in Chicago, so for the meantime that im stuck in Dallas I guess i'll do what everyone else does which is pretty much work, poop, shower(occasionally), sleep, and get "like totally excited" when I actually have plans for the weekend... my plan is to get to Chicago with a decent amount of $$$ so I guess this will do for the meantime. Someone actually called me back about a job at a grocery store today (out of the billion applications i've turned in everywhere!) Now my life really is starting to sound like Tracy Chapman's, "fast car"!
Well everything went well on Wednesday. I got up early and hit almost every place that I passed by with an application, then later on I went swing dancing with my homie (Lil'Baby Jesus) and 2 of his cousins. We had fun with those crazy swingers!! lol Ziggy even came up with a name for our little crew...we are now known as "the non-dancing, dancing crew" ha ha ha I thought that was the funniest shit that nite! but then we sure proved them wrong when we clumsily danced around looking like chickens with our heads chopped off! it was fun but kinda embarrasing and the whole time I was there I kept thinking..."I never thought i'd be trying to learn how to swing-dance much less actually dance...and much much less almost thinking "it was like so much fun!" I probably would have thought that if it was'nt because I was kind of deppresed.
After that we went to play pool. The girl my homie likes was there too, we had hung out with her last wednesday also, she's really nice, we danced a little or more like she grabbed me twirled me around alot and I acted all squeaky and girly-like because her forcefulness was turning me on!!!! lol j/k ...I hope if by any crazy chance u read this dont freak out LOL! I had alot of fun dancing with you :)
At the end of the night even though everything turned out pretty fun I still was'nt feeling quite myself.
Im not sure why or how long it's gonna take but I hope my cure lies within getting a job...ANY JOB!!
Im getting very VERY IRRITABLE!!! and if it keeps up im gonna start fucking up with the few people I actually care about...
I went to church ... I had alot of things on my mind, I had'nt voluntarily stepped into a church in my whole life, of course im not including easters when Luz wanted to go so I just smiled and said "sure" or the easter when I was 7 and my mother just felt like it was something to do. Im not even baptized nor have I ever done the first communion or even had a catillion im not even sure if im calling it right!
Yet I always wanted to go without actually wanting something in return... I just wanted to talk to Him...I realize I could have done that within the "comfort" of my home but then again you wouldnt know what my home is like...2 words ...The Zoo.
I just wanted to feel ...or actually I just wanted to be alone, well I always want to be alone but this time I wanted to talk to someone other than myself...
When I got there I did'nt know what to say, I just sat there in the weird lighting and then I think He told me to organize myself...or maybe im going crazy... I dont know either way that's what im gonna do and then when im ready I will go back and talk to Him.
I hope im not going crazy, im scared of this journal now.