Apologies, Islands and death... haha quite morbid
(EDITED LETTERS!)
Today I feel like writing because I'm all by my lonely self at islands :( sad face but happy. I don't mind eating bymyself here it's kind of just me time which is nice. I ordered something for my mom for a little later so hopefully she'll enjoy :).
So last night I think I had one of the best sleeps. Ever! Considering though. I was in my old room :x haha it was so comfy! But when I think about it I think it was because I had my nice deu' ve it was so warm!
But a note as to why I am sleeping in my old room is because my parents are remodeling the bathroom and they are going to tear down the bubong so yah they said that the stuff might seep through my room. And that is why I am in my old room. Plus I think that's why I've been sick for so long! The bathroom is all nasty and moldy and there is apparently rat crap everywhere so yah.
Anyway, on another note yvonne wrote back. I don't know if I had even posted in here, I don't think I did, but I ended up apologizing to yvonne, for all the crap that has happened over the past year and she replied and had a alot to say and she also apologiZed. It was nice having everything out in the open. It's funny because this sudden realization for me to apologiZe came about 3 weeks ago, I had a dream. Yvonne was in it and we had been fighting and I can remember being very angry and that I didn't want to be angry anymore and I knew that I would have to apologize and that was all I can remember. But yah, she wrote alot. I will be posting my letter to her and her response back. She also requested me to do something. Which was to apologize to stephany chacon which I did and I know I owed her that apology because she has done alot for me. She honestly maybe be the one that has been responsible for such big change in my life. But the thing was aparently I was mean to her. I know I said some stuff. But I can't seem to remember totally ostrasizing her. Anyway hopefully yvonne can clear things up.
To Yvonne, I know that this may come to you as a surprise considering I have not talked to you in about a year or so, and I guess I have to say that this is a long and overdue apology. I myself do not understand why exactly it has taken me over a year to simply apologize to you. First off, I would like you to know that I am not doing this just to make myself feel better or to just get it off my back, I honestly, sincerely and altruistically believe that you deserve this and I owe it to you if it is the last thing that I do.
I guess you can say that a lot has changed over this passed year, especially with me. I have had a lot of time to think things over, I have grown and matured (another reason I think I did not apologize was because I was thinking and acting like a child) and I think back on all the things I have done and I do not like it. So first and for most, I would like the sincerely apologize to you, to say I am sorry, for all that I have done to you, especially during senior year. I know that I had no right at all and I fully accept it.
I honestly hope that you will accept my apology. Not as some fake acknowledgment to just make things clear but as a true and sincere one. I hope to here from you as soon as possible. I also hope to continuing staying in touch with you. I wish you the best in your school life, your personal life and everything else. Make the best of it and succeed. Plus I know you can,
Sincerely,
Sheree.
Sheree,
I have to admit that I did not expect to receive a message from you. It has been quite a while and to be honest, it surprised me because I wrote a similar letter, talking about how things have changed over time. I started out writing it by hand, and I’ve reread it and attempted to edit it numerous times, but somehow, it always ended up back where it started. I’m not sure why I hung on to it for so long, but maybe I was waiting for a sign. Mostly, I have a feeling that I was making sure that whenever I wrote back, it was going to be during a time when I had open eyes and a free heart. I didn’t want to be consumed by anger or guilt because if there is anything I’ve learned, it’s best to be true.
Over the past couple of months, basically a year now, a lot of things have changed in my life as well. And not just my life, but also the lives of those close to me as well. I feel that I have a better perspective on things and on life in general then I did when we were still in high school.
I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t hurt during that last year, but now that I’ve been able to release those feelings, I just want to explain how I felt back then to hopefully give you a bigger picture of why I reacted the way I did, regardless of how I feel now.
The reason that I felt so slighted during senior year was not just because of trivial details about prom. There were more important things that played a bigger factor. I can’t remember all of them, and things start to get complicated, but none of that matters anymore because those feelings of resentment are long gone.
Back then, I started feeling as though you didn’t truly appreciate me, even though I was your “best friend.” I understood that friends are not obligated to be with one another 24/7, but I felt as though you took me for granted, because you would just leave and go from one person to another and only come to me when you felt like it, or when you were having trouble with Aram, Bianca, Stephanie or your family- like the time we went to CalState La for the Upward Bound scholarship day and you stayed with Bianca the whole time, including on the bus. The only reason that I didn’t tell you was because I was in a stage in my life where I would tolerate everything that anyone did, because I was trying to be nice. I thought that it was the right thing to do, since I didn’t want to whine about every little detail. I know I should have talked to you earlier about it, but I was waiting for you to come to me, because of what you said about how communication is the key. I was relying on the two-way-street method of communicating, mostly because I took friendships very seriously (although i still do) and unfortunately, things kind of just escalated.
And what made me extremely upset and angry the whole year was the way you treated Stephany. I didn’t think that your sadness or jealousy justified your actions and it wasn‘t fair that you were treating her that way, especially since she was the one who had helped Antonio ask you out. She advised him so that he could be with you, so that he would know if you were interested, and when and how he should do it. She didn't want to tell anyone because there was no point for her to exploit the fact. If that had been revealed, perhaps you might have acted differently, depending on how much your jealousy consumed you then, but she didn’t want you to just change the way you acted towards her because of guilty sympathy or appreciation, or maybe you might have not thought that that admission mattered at all.
I also remember that I was in very similar shoes when you started to leave for Bianca and Stephanie. It hurt because I felt as though we were drifting apart, but I never acted in any malicious way towards either of them. I never ignored or gave anyone the cold shoulder, never relied on Stephany just to spite you or make you jealous in return, because I was accepting it because sometimes, friends just drift apart, like Christina and you.
And another reason I was also upset because of the way I was treated at the Of Mice and Men play. I felt completely ostracized as I sat in the back while you and Bianca purposefully ignored me. I know that you might have felt as though you were losing a friend, but I just felt hurt because friends don’t usually treat each other that way.
These are just some examples, and I’m not calling them out to blame you because I know that you did not mean to do any of these things intentionally. You might have not even have noticed that you were doing these things, but in spite of that, I know that I hurt you too. I know that you trusted me, and put your faith in me and that you felt as though you were losing a friend. I apologize if I made you feel terrible about it. I believe it was due to the fact that I felt very vulnerable and attacked. I realize that I didn’t end things the way that I should have at the end of our senior year. I look back and I see that I wasn’t acting the way that Christ would have wanted me to, and in a sensible and mature way. I want to accept your apology and ask you to forgive me as well. But I want to ask you to please apologize to Stephany as well, because what happened affected her a lot too. I just want to sincerely wish you the best with everything, with life and all that it has to offer, and I also believe that we should keep in touch.
Sincerely,
Yvonne.
I'm glad to here back from you. Sending the letter to you at first, i thought you would still be angry. i initially thought that heck you would be so angry at me that you would probably delete the message from your inbox, but i am glad that i took the chance to apologize and i am eternally grateful that you replied back.
its sad to say that it both took us a long time to change. that it tooks us having to get through this argument to realize the importance of a freindship. but honestly, going through this has brought on better things for the future i am sure.
hopefully all that is happening in your life is alright. i hope that all is well and not to stressful. i am glad though that we have gone through this. grown up and changed, and see things in a new light.
in response to all the your feelings that you have written to me i would first off like to say thank you. thank you, for opening up to me telling me all these things and no longer keeping it in. thank you for putting me in my place and explaining to me how you felt during those times.
Now to continue:
Taking you for granted-
honestly, truthfully, when i think about it, when ilook back at myself during my high school year, when i step out of my self and really take a look at myself and the people around me during that time, i have to say that i think i did take our friendship for granted, i took you for granted. I guess considering how many "best friends" that ive been through- christina (6th grade), Sandra & Bianca (7th) then Shelby and Sandra (8th) then back to Bianca and sandra in the 9th and then you, sandra stephanie and bianca. i just got lost. plus with the split up between groups ( our crew and sandras crew) i didnt know what to do anymore. i guess being split up with so many friends wasnt such a great thing. i guess i didnt know how to choose my friends wisely and only ended up with companions and aquaintences instead of close best friends. when i look back on it, i just think i wanted to fit in with everyone, to be cool everyone, to have everyone like me. but i guess while i as to concerned with that i was slowly hurting my closest friends.
On Stephany:
I have to say about stephany, i guess i was jealous (dont tell her! XD) i guess i saw how great she fit in with everyone, i guess i saw how she didnt even have to try and everyone liked her and i guess i just got jealous because that was all i wanted. on the side note im sorry to ask but i cant even remember how bad i treated her. (can you please clarify) i dont mean to be insulting at all but like you said i guess i didnt even know what i was doing while i was doing it. but either way i will apologize to her because i know hurting you has hurt her and i do not want things to end like that. not only should i apologize but i guess i should be thanking her :D. for the help with Tony. thanking her for making a big difference in my life :D
and again. i would like to apologize for all that you have written to me about but not only that. for everything and anything else not mentioned. for anything that i have forgotten about. i sincerly apologize for it all.
and of course i accept your apology. i fully do.
thank you for talking with me. for everything.
honestly, for being a true friend to me. when i was not.
i guess this has shown me what true friends are and will be.
thank you
-Sheree
.
good evening Stephany!
i hope you are well. i hope you are in good health . i am not sure what has happened but i hope that you are feeling better. but this is not exactly why i have stopped by to leave you a message. i have sent you a message to sincerely apologize for all that has happened in the past year, or more like senior year.
I don't want you to think that i am doing this for somebody else, for Yvonne or to make myself feel better because honestly and truthfully, God as my witness, i am doing this because you fully deserve this apology from me.
So first and for most i would like to apologize to you for all that has happened during senior year. For treating you the way that i did and for anything that i might have said or acted toward you.
As this year has passed, i can say that i have grown a lot, changed and began to realize a lot of things in my life. that i was such a child during high school. that i ended up hurting a lot of close people in my life that i did not mean to hurt just to make myself feel better.
So once again, i hope that you will accept my apology and i take full responsibility for all i have done.
Thank you for taking the time to read this
Sincerely,
Sheree Ko.
But yah other than that I just got out of work am eating here at islands and saw eric richter or am talking to him haha. He cut his hair. He looks the same, good. Don't really think things have changed. Ah how the days seem endless but how quickly it passes by...
Nothing really planned this afternoon. Home, and then deciding what to do tomorrow...
Ahhh ok I gotta say that my waiter made my day today!!! It was the Asian guy I think his name is elliot from the last time I went to islands he gave me the sweetest compliment. He was like "oh yah ill prob wont see u ever but I just want to say that you are one of tthe hottest and nicest costomers and I just want to thank you." Gah!! I didn't even know hat to say!! I wanted to leave him more tip but all I had was a dollar and a couple of coins oh well.
Ok I almost died today. Literally, I was jut crossing the street from union to euclid and this guy was turning and seriously I don't think he saw me until the hood of his car was like inches from my body...
What a day...
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