Realizations
ive come to realize several things over these past few days that me and mom have been fighting. I have come to realize not only what love is, but many other things. For example as i said love, but other things like faith, what you believe in and what you do in your life. Yes it may sound all confusing at this moment in time but i have a point that i am getting to.
starting the new year fighting is never good, its usually an omen or has some meaning that the year will not be good and that pretty much however you started the year it will be like that for the next 52 weeks. And so far me and my mom have gotten into fights about 2 or 3 times since. Its awful honestly i hate going through fights with her. i hate butting heads. i hate knowing that shes angry. But i know that in the end in the next day or so it will be ok. things will go back to normal for a couple of days and then we will find yet another reason to fight with each other. It has always been like that and it probably will be like that for a while. For m its something that i do not mind. But as i was talking to my sister the other day she said "why would you go through those how many days being mad at each other?" Honestly i feel like being angry at her is just easier, but i guess in reality it isn't. its really just hurting us both and prolonging it. but i guess i cant help it. i've delt with all problems that way. I guess the one things that agrivates me the most about my mother is that she is a broken record. she doesn't stop. she'll constantly go over and over saying the same things, things that i could dictate in my sleep. She also acts like a child after we fight. Stomping around, banging the doors, making noise and uproar, thinking that it will annoy me or make me feel bad but in the end i just think or more like laugh at her childishness. saying that "i can do that too!" i can go around stomping my feet and acting like a 4 year old child who just didn't get what she wants, but i don't. i guess i realize that i do get angry, but rarely do i get angry enough and actually mean it. Most of the time it is just anger to be angry to let ff steam. But the times that i am truly angry is when i hold back the tears and when i treuly feel in my heart that i have absolutely NO room to forgive. i've come to realize that the times i have become angry i go somewhere quiet to reflect and think about what is happen ask God to do or for help, to accept my wrongs and cool off. So far it has worked. i feel lighter. and somewhat free. ive learned how to be cold toward my mother and everyone around me because it has become so natural to me. to be mean to not have any expectations from anyone cause in the end they will just bring you down. Yes, i have NOT been through much but i am thankful everyday to live my life normally. that i don't go through any deaths or pains or diseases. Yes, my life isnt spontaneous or crazy... but its better than living each day of your life not knowing where you are going to sleep or eat your next meal.
I realize the growing steps of what religion truly is, what it holds, what it means to be faithful, to actually have the faith, use it and being "religious" today... Today i saw faith at its highest peak. Today as we were about to leave Tony's house, as a family (is that weird i consider myself a part of their family..oh well...) we prayed. Honest, down to the heart prayer. Blessing the family, Tony and Me. It felt so spiritual, and ya i may sound like a dummy, starry eyed dreamer to some, but i don't mean to come off that way. To me i saw real faith in their family. Tony's family i guess you can say has been through much, everyone has done there wrongs and probably never really meant it, but it just showed me that at that moment what real faith was. That you don't have to be this perfect family that attends church every Sunday, you don't have to be this family that has this alter stand, or acts like they pray and that actually struggles to try and be a family. No, i saw that these people had their flaws, it was displayed with them, something that each and everyone of them had to deal with.. but just seeing the family and being a part of the group, all holding hands together and watching putting the sign of the cross over Tony was something that i have never seen before. Love. Love in a family. Yes i know that my family loved me, loves us and that we all love one another but its different seeing that type of love. Seeing their imperfections and loving them anyway... it was amazing to be in their prescenes to know that each one of them had their flaws and no one cared. they didn't repeatedly scream r yell at each other about their wrongs, they didn't pull out things from the past and use it to make them feel guilty. No, it was as if God had shown me that it was ok. Ok to lose your faith once in a while to feel lost and not know what to do because in the end he has set the path for you to find your way back. i felt that it was ok. i felt at home their at that moment. i did not feel judged, no expectations, no deceiving eyes, nothing that made me concerned at myself. i felt lifted like a burden was taken off of me...
"toward the end of the day
a fulfilling day,
we gathered together with tony's family
we joined hands
as i listened to soft voice
of his mother speak a prayer,
blessing the family, tony and me.
we held hands until the end.
at the end of the prayer
all voices could be heard,
saying a small prayer in spanish
that was unknown to me
spoken in verbatim.
it ended with the sign of the cross and
i watched as his mother signed over
tonys body
it was spiritual,
to be in that presence..."
I felt as if i was in the presence of God. As they say God comes in several form, we may not know it but he could be standing right in front of us. Never judge, because judgement only belongs to him...
hopefully sleep will come easier tonight...
Gnite
starting the new year fighting is never good, its usually an omen or has some meaning that the year will not be good and that pretty much however you started the year it will be like that for the next 52 weeks. And so far me and my mom have gotten into fights about 2 or 3 times since. Its awful honestly i hate going through fights with her. i hate butting heads. i hate knowing that shes angry. But i know that in the end in the next day or so it will be ok. things will go back to normal for a couple of days and then we will find yet another reason to fight with each other. It has always been like that and it probably will be like that for a while. For m its something that i do not mind. But as i was talking to my sister the other day she said "why would you go through those how many days being mad at each other?" Honestly i feel like being angry at her is just easier, but i guess in reality it isn't. its really just hurting us both and prolonging it. but i guess i cant help it. i've delt with all problems that way. I guess the one things that agrivates me the most about my mother is that she is a broken record. she doesn't stop. she'll constantly go over and over saying the same things, things that i could dictate in my sleep. She also acts like a child after we fight. Stomping around, banging the doors, making noise and uproar, thinking that it will annoy me or make me feel bad but in the end i just think or more like laugh at her childishness. saying that "i can do that too!" i can go around stomping my feet and acting like a 4 year old child who just didn't get what she wants, but i don't. i guess i realize that i do get angry, but rarely do i get angry enough and actually mean it. Most of the time it is just anger to be angry to let ff steam. But the times that i am truly angry is when i hold back the tears and when i treuly feel in my heart that i have absolutely NO room to forgive. i've come to realize that the times i have become angry i go somewhere quiet to reflect and think about what is happen ask God to do or for help, to accept my wrongs and cool off. So far it has worked. i feel lighter. and somewhat free. ive learned how to be cold toward my mother and everyone around me because it has become so natural to me. to be mean to not have any expectations from anyone cause in the end they will just bring you down. Yes, i have NOT been through much but i am thankful everyday to live my life normally. that i don't go through any deaths or pains or diseases. Yes, my life isnt spontaneous or crazy... but its better than living each day of your life not knowing where you are going to sleep or eat your next meal.
I realize the growing steps of what religion truly is, what it holds, what it means to be faithful, to actually have the faith, use it and being "religious" today... Today i saw faith at its highest peak. Today as we were about to leave Tony's house, as a family (is that weird i consider myself a part of their family..oh well...) we prayed. Honest, down to the heart prayer. Blessing the family, Tony and Me. It felt so spiritual, and ya i may sound like a dummy, starry eyed dreamer to some, but i don't mean to come off that way. To me i saw real faith in their family. Tony's family i guess you can say has been through much, everyone has done there wrongs and probably never really meant it, but it just showed me that at that moment what real faith was. That you don't have to be this perfect family that attends church every Sunday, you don't have to be this family that has this alter stand, or acts like they pray and that actually struggles to try and be a family. No, i saw that these people had their flaws, it was displayed with them, something that each and everyone of them had to deal with.. but just seeing the family and being a part of the group, all holding hands together and watching putting the sign of the cross over Tony was something that i have never seen before. Love. Love in a family. Yes i know that my family loved me, loves us and that we all love one another but its different seeing that type of love. Seeing their imperfections and loving them anyway... it was amazing to be in their prescenes to know that each one of them had their flaws and no one cared. they didn't repeatedly scream r yell at each other about their wrongs, they didn't pull out things from the past and use it to make them feel guilty. No, it was as if God had shown me that it was ok. Ok to lose your faith once in a while to feel lost and not know what to do because in the end he has set the path for you to find your way back. i felt that it was ok. i felt at home their at that moment. i did not feel judged, no expectations, no deceiving eyes, nothing that made me concerned at myself. i felt lifted like a burden was taken off of me...
"toward the end of the day
a fulfilling day,
we gathered together with tony's family
we joined hands
as i listened to soft voice
of his mother speak a prayer,
blessing the family, tony and me.
we held hands until the end.
at the end of the prayer
all voices could be heard,
saying a small prayer in spanish
that was unknown to me
spoken in verbatim.
it ended with the sign of the cross and
i watched as his mother signed over
tonys body
it was spiritual,
to be in that presence..."
I felt as if i was in the presence of God. As they say God comes in several form, we may not know it but he could be standing right in front of us. Never judge, because judgement only belongs to him...
hopefully sleep will come easier tonight...
Gnite