(no subject)
I am nervous but fearless, paralyzed but tweaking, and so excited. Third time's the charm, maybe this one will prove more profitable. I'm sick of throwing my head against the wall in the name of journalism, I'm sick of trying to prove myself to people who mean nothing to me.
Most of all, I'm sick of trying to reach goals that offer no personal fulfillment other than ego-boosting. It's proved I can work hard when I put my mind to it, but it's not worth it. I do not want to waste my life throwing myself into other people's boxes. I do not want to spend my career wondering what if. I believe I can do anything I put my mind to, but I also think that you can't really DO anything unless you want to. If I cared about school, I'd be doing my work. If I cared about being a journalist, I'd be working on my Amethyst Initiative story MUCH more than I have been.
Am I stupid? Am i throwing away chances? I know I'm going to finish school, I have to. I'm too close not to. But doesn't mean I have to use my degree the way everyone else uses theirs. Honestly, I picked newspaper based on how much I enjoyed working for the DO, and though I could work for a paper or magazine, I do not feel the need to "do it or die."
I think I'd like to do something different now. I'm really fucking tired of lying to myself--and consequentially, lying to everyone else I know.
Most of all, I'm sick of trying to reach goals that offer no personal fulfillment other than ego-boosting. It's proved I can work hard when I put my mind to it, but it's not worth it. I do not want to waste my life throwing myself into other people's boxes. I do not want to spend my career wondering what if. I believe I can do anything I put my mind to, but I also think that you can't really DO anything unless you want to. If I cared about school, I'd be doing my work. If I cared about being a journalist, I'd be working on my Amethyst Initiative story MUCH more than I have been.
Am I stupid? Am i throwing away chances? I know I'm going to finish school, I have to. I'm too close not to. But doesn't mean I have to use my degree the way everyone else uses theirs. Honestly, I picked newspaper based on how much I enjoyed working for the DO, and though I could work for a paper or magazine, I do not feel the need to "do it or die."
I think I'd like to do something different now. I'm really fucking tired of lying to myself--and consequentially, lying to everyone else I know.