Apr 18, 2008 10:08
So after I wrote last night I went out with Freddy for a cigarette. We had the best talk I have had with anyone in the longest time. We just talked about life and how we want to live our own lives. It was so nice to just relax and not feel like either one of us was judging the other one. That is one thing that I think too many of us do.
We are all so worried about what everyone else thinks of us and what we think of others. (I am just as guilty of this as the next person.) I don't deny my involvement in judging others, but I am going to start to make a conscious effort not to. It takes a lot of energy out of me and for what? I know that I can't let what others think of me dictate my life, but that is something that is going to take a lot more time than not judging others.
This is my biggest issue when it comes to Matt. I think that it really shows exactly how his town and upbringing have been. He is so worried about what anyone else thinks of him and what he thinks of others. To him I am a slut. I know he thinks I am because he basically told me so last night. He doesn't agree with my smoking and the type of people I like to surround myself with. The things he said to me and about me last night and in the past really do hurt my feelings. I know I am not perfect, but aren't I allowed to fuck up at some point? I talked to Mike last night too. He made me feel better. He made me realize that I am nineteen and it is okay to act like it. I have to make sure that I present myself as I want to be seen, but I don't have to act like I am twenty-five.
I did grow up very early. Between my mom getting sick and the aftermath of that and the sexual abuse I suffered in freshman year of high school I grew up quickly. I know that I can't go back and change that and I don't want to. What I do want to do is act my own age every once in a while.
Wow. This entry jumps around a lot, but thats how I write in this thing...I just write as it comes to me. I am going to end this with the lyrics to a song Ashley made me listen to and I fell in love with the lyrics.
Lessons Learned - Carrie Underwood
There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
Life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.
[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.
And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
And you just gotta move on,
Because they are gone,
Lessons learned.
[Chorus:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wonder how I get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.