title: we're in the thick of it (1/2)
pairings(s): harry/louis rpf (some zayn/liam, louis/eleanor as well)
disclaimer: i don't own anything, i'm not making assumptions, everything is purely fictional.
word count: ~4.6k (2.9k in part one, 1.6k in part two)
summary: "harry can't pinpoint when it fell apart but eleanor was definitely the avalanche." (in which harry and louis fall apart because of eleanor)
notes: i wrote this like a month ago? and here it is! i'm not even sure why i started writing it in the first place but i actually finished something which is huge. lj is super annoying and it wouldn’t let me post the whole thing in one so that’s why it’s split! i’m so sorry about that!~ the title and cut text are both from sorry's not good enough by mcfly which is a fab song that everyone should go listen to right now. this whole thing is angsty and hurty and i'm sorry but i can't help myself. apparently everything i touch turns to angst?? thanks for reading~~~
harry can't pinpoint the exact date everything started to fall apart. it was slow, little things at first, but at the same time it was like an avalanche; everything kind of just fell.
one day, louis is grabbing his hand during an interview and playing with his fingers, using sign language to tell him things, fixing his hair, and the next, louis won't sit next to him and they barely joke, or even talk to each other, during interviews.
it's not horrible (at first, at least), but harry certainly doesn't like it. they still live together, so they still see each other all the time and they talk and watch tv together, but it's just not the same.
harry doesn't even really realize it until it's almost too late to fix it. he doesn't realize that this is trouble until trouble strolls into his life in the shape of a five-foot-eight brunette girl with her arms around louis' waist. trouble that goes by the name of eleanor calder.
harry can't pinpoint when it fell apart but eleanor was definitely the avalanche.
-x-
jealousy sucks. it's really as simple as that.
harry doesn't realize this is jealousy until it's too late. he doesn't realize it until his blood boils when he sees eleanor kiss louis or whenever he smiles at her the way he used to smile at harry. he doesn't realize it until he doesn't even want to be in the same room as eleanor. he doesn't hate eleanor (okay, maybe he does hate her, just a little bit. and maybe sometimes he wishes she'd just disappear, but he'd never admit that; not to zayn or liam or niall, and especially not to louis), but he certainly doesn't like her. he doesn't like her at all.
it gets to a point where harry doesn't like to stay home, in his own flat anymore, because she's there and he doesn't want to be where she is. he goes to zayn and liam's or niall's and stays there because she isn't there. avoiding her isn't going to get him anywhere, he knows, but for the time being, he won't feel this jealousy because he won't have to see them together.
jealousy sucks and harry can't escape it.
-x-
harry loses his best friend. sure, louis is still his friend and he still lives with him, but he's isn't harry's best friend anymore. they still lounge about in the flat, but as soon as eleanor comes through the door, harry is out. he misses louis and everything about louis. he misses their conversations and their jokes and louis’ laugh when he says something stupid.
he can't remember the last time he and louis just lay in bed together, watched movies, drank tea, and fell asleep in each others' arms. that's pretty much normal for them; without there even being love involved (because there never was love involved. they loved each other like best friends and brothers but that was always it. they were naturally touchy and that was okay).
then love did get involved. and that's when things get messy.
-x-
harry might be kind of in love with louis.
no, harry is definitely kind of in love with louis.
he's been kind of in love with louis since they met, really. since the day bootcamp ended, when they had all been thinking it's the end, and then suddenly they were a band and he was hugging louis and louis was hugging him. he pushes it aside most of the time, because being louis' best friend is okay and he's happy. and maybe louis feels the same but he never asks because he's okay where he is. it’s better than losing everything.
he pushes the feelings to the side, sure, but when he's not with louis, it's all he thinks about. he thinks what if i can just come home and kiss louis and lie with him and whisper that i love him and say it a hundred times just so he knows it and fall asleep in his arms and wake up that way, and that's already they way they are, except without the kissing and love. and that's what harry wants; he wants love.
eleanor happens, and harry can't keep pushing these feelings to the side. he loves louis. he wants louis to look at him the way he looks at eleanor.
it probably doesn't help that the two people he spends the most time around (besides louis, of course. but he isn't even around louis all that much anymore) are in a relationship. what zayn and liam have is what harry wants with louis. he sees how zayn looks at liam and how liam blushes and smiles shyly at those looks, and he wants that. he wants to be able to make someone blush and smile the way zayn does to liam, and he wants it with louis. even niall and perrie are the same way, just naturally so bloody adorable together.
so on top of the jealousy he already has to deal with whenever eleanor touches louis, he's also jealous of his best friends for having that perfect relationship that he can only dream of having.
-x-
harry can only take so much before everything just breaks. he's so sick of not talking to louis and having to leave whenever she shows up, which gets to be all the time. if he's at his own flat three times a week, it's a lot. he's practically living at zayn and liam's flat. or niall's sometimes; when they all get together, he'll just crash there.
harry goes home one day and finds louis lying on the couch and eleanor in the kitchen doing something (quite honestly, he doesn't even want to know).
“oh, you're home for once,” louis says, kind of meanly, and that's so not like louis.
harry rolls his eyes and slams the door to the flat. “did you like it better when i was gone?” he asks, and he already just wants to leave. “maybe she should move in and i'll just move out. she's here enough anyway!” they're yelling and harry hates this and please make this stop and now eleanor is watching them fight and oh god, please, i can't do this.
“oi, harry, what did she ever do to you?! what did she ever have time to do to you, all you ever do is leave every time she comes around!”
“so what if i do?!”
“you're my best friend, i thought you'd be happy for me because, dammit, i'm happy!”
harry laughs because, really? louis hasn't acted like his best friend in over a month. “i'm your best friend? why don't you start acting like my best friend again?! i miss you.”
“you're the one who's always leaving! why the hell do you miss me? stay in the damn flat more if you miss me!”
“it's not just because i'm never here! you stopped talking to me because of your damn girlfriend in the first place!"
"you're blaming this on my girlfriend?! that's low, hazza, that's really low."
"don't call me that," harry says, his voice cold. "maybe i am blaming it on her. maybe i'm also blaming the fact that i'm so fucking jealous of her all of the time too!"
“what’s there to be jealous of?!”
“her!” harry takes a step towards louis and louis takes a step back. it's like a game; every time harry steps forward, louis steps back, until they can't anymore because louis is against the wall (and eleanor is still watching, and she's confused). “i love you, louis. i'm in love with you. i love you so much that i can't even look at her with you because i want to be her. i want to be the person you love.” and he kisses louis (and louis kisses back. he'll never admit that. he'll never say that he likes it even though he does. he likes it a lot and that's why he's angry. he doesn't love harry).
louis pushes him away. "what. the. fuck."
"i can't even say i'm sorry because i'm not." harry blinks and looks at eleanor for a second. she looks hurt. "i've wanted to do that for so long, you don't even know."
"get out," louis says, and he wants to hate himself for it but he just doesn't. because he doesn't love harry. because that kiss meant nothing. because harry means nothing.
"loui-"
"go. leave and don't come back, alright? i'm done."
"louis, what are you doing?" eleanor speaks up, because even she thinks this is beyond the point of okay. she knows that how louis is acting right now is so not him, and it's like he's turned into some monster. she knows how harry and louis used to be, and she's watching what they've become, and she knows that this could be it between her and louis, but harry. harry is standing there nearly in tears because of what just happened between him and his best friend and it's kind of killing eleanor inside.
"i'm leaving." harry turns and leaves the flat. he drives around for a little while and tries not to cry but everything he sees reminds him of louis and it sucks. he gets to that point where he can't even hold back tears anymore so he goes to the only place he can really call home now: zayn and liam's flat.
-x-
he knocks because he doesn't have a key yet, and zayn can tell right away that something is wrong because harry is crying and his eyes are rimmed red and his cheeks are tear-stained. overall, what zayn is seeing is not harry. he pulls harry close to him and wraps him in a much-needed hug.
"haz, calm down," he whispers, running a hand up and down harry’s back. "let’s go to the sofa, yeah?" harry breaks the contact for a second to go over to the sofa but as soon as they're sitting, he's in zayn's arms again, head buried in his chest. he's sobbing and he's shaking and barely able to breathe, gasping in between sobs. zayn sits there, rubs his back, and whispers to him. "calm down," he says, "please. i hate seeing you like this. breathe, harry, breathe."
"z, he kicked me out," harry manages to say in between sobs. he's not even crying anymore, it's more of a dry sob, but he's still shaking.
"what?" zayn asks but he knows harry won't be able to tell him. he just tugs harry a little closer and holds him because he knows that nothing he can say will make this better.
it’s a while before zayn has harry calm enough to talk. "i kissed louis and he kicked me out and he hates me." it's really all he can say before he starts to sob into zayn's chest again. "i love him so much, zayner, what did i do wrong? i just want him to be my best friend again."
"oh, harry…" zayn doesn't even know what to say anymore because this is really a lot worse than he thinks (and harry reminds zayn of himself almost a year ago when he told liam that he had feelings for him and liam had danielle and he was just scared that he'd lose liam for good. he knows how harry is feeling and it's the most terrible feeling). he can’t believe louis would do that to harry because harry is supposed to be louis' best friend and they used to be attached at the hip. and now louis kicks him out because maybe he might have feelings or him? it's not right.
it’s been almost twenty minutes since either boy has said anything, and it's probably better that way. harry is still lying in zayn's arms and zayn's running his fingers through harry's curls. harry smiles, a really, really weak smile, relaxes into zayn more, and closes his eyes because maybe if he falls asleep, he'll wake up and this will all be a dream. he'll wake up and his best friend won't hate him and maybe he'll have a home again. but his attempt at sleep is interrupted by liam and niall entering the flat very loudly.
"oi, haz is asleep!" zayn exclaims.
it takes liam a second to realize that maybe something is seriously wrong, but he does when harry looks up at him with red tear-filled eyes (and he looks so vulnerable and so young). "is everything okay?" he asks, even though he knows what the answer is.
"n-no." harry whimpers.
"was it lou?" niall asks, and liam and zayn both shoot him looks that say something along the lines of shut up you're not helping at all. "fine, i didn't say anything!" niall says, before disappearing into the kitchen. just louis' name being mentioned makes harry start to cry again. it's not like earlier; he's not shaking anymore, but he's crying hard
"haz, it's okay, calm down," zayn whispers, "d'you want to lie down in my bed, try to sleep?"
harry says a muffled yes and nods into zayn's chest, before pulling himself up and dragging himself into the bedroom.
"i feel so bad, li," zayn whispers once they hear the door slam.
"what happened?"
"he um, went home today and something happened between him and lou, and he kissed lou and lou kicked him out. he's just a mess right now; he thinks he did something wrong and he's so in love with louis and i have no idea what to do." zayn runs a hand through his hair, sighing.
"i know what to do. i fucking know what to do." liam is seething.
"did i hear that right? did liam payne just swear?" they hear niall yell from the kitchen, and it gets a laugh out of zayn but not liam. because liam is angry. no, he's beyond that point. he's at the point where he lets his temper get the best of him and that's when you know it's really bad. and it is really bad because harry doesn't deserve this bullshit from louis.
he mumbles a quick, "i'm gonna go out, i'll be back later."
"don't do anything stupid, love." zayn presses a kiss to liam's forehead.
liam leaves.
-x-
it's not stupid, or at least liam doesn't think it is, when he barges into louis' flat less than ten minutes later, still as angry (maybe even more) as he was when he left his own flat.
the door slams and louis pulls away from eleanor's lips. "aye, li," he says.
"i don't care if you love el and you don't love harry," liam starts, but louis interrupts him quickly.
"i don't love harry. not at all." (and maybe he's lying to himself by saying that. because maybe kissing harry was the best kiss of his life. and maybe that made him acknowledge that yeah, maybe he does love harry, but that doesn't mean he has to admit it to anyone.)
"you can't just kick him out of his own flat and you can't ignore him, because he's fucking in love with you with you and it's killing him. i wish you could see how broken he is right now. and all he wants is you! so get over yourself and start acting like his best friend again. because i never want to see harry the way he is right now ever again."
"it's not just my fault, liam! harry's been a twat too!"
liam opens his mouth to answer, but eleanor beats him to it. "babe, i mean this is the most loving way i could possibly mean it in, but you're the twat. harry did nothing wrong." liam looks at her, confused, because shouldn't she stick up for her boyfriend? she won't, though, not if he's acting like this. because this isn't who she fell in love with. sure, this might be rough for him, but he didn't have to turn into an asshole because of it.
"i'm serious, louis. get the fuck over yourself," liam says.
"maybe harry needs to get over me!"
"what if he can't?! you don't get it, do you, louis? harry is in love with you and that's something he can't change. he is absolutely heartbroken right now and i've never seen someone cry so hard in my life. this is all your fault, it really is."
“l-li, when did you get like this? y-you were always like,” louis pauses to search for the right word to use, “a leader. and you never yelled.”
“you were the leader, louis, and you were supposed to be harry's best friend! so what if maybe he has feelings for you? that shouldn't matter because you're still his best friend even if you don't feel the same way! i don't know if you remember, but zayn told me that he loved me last year when i was still with danielle and it took a while for me to figure everything out but i didn't completely shut him out of my life! you need to do something about this because you screwed this up and no one but you is going to fix it. be his best friend again because he needs you in any way that you can be there for him. i'm not asking you to love him back, i just want you to stop being a dick and go back to what you two used to have. i'm done, alright? don't expect me or zayn to talk to you anytime soon.”
and then he walks out of louis' flat, making sure the door slams on the way out.
(
part two)