this is never gonna end...
ok so im having another one of my nervous breakdowns again cuz im thinking about my dad like crazy. this seriously needs to stop...ill be in a good mood and outta nowhere i get very sad and scared and lonely i cant breathe. i wish there was someway to make it all stop but unfortunately there isnt. i get all these emotions come flooding back to me and its all a big rush and i cant take it. the littlest things set it off...like today, i saw that starburst fruit creme commercial (the one where the kids r walkin down the street n theyre whistling) and i heard it on the radio twice...the first time i heard it i stopped dead in my tracks & i completely stopped everything i was doing - even breathing. i did not blink or anything i just kinda stood there paralyzed. that commercial reminds me so much of my dad cuz he would sit there whenever it came on and whistle along with it..and i remember he use to get so mad if they cut the commercial short. its things like that that are so little and so un-important that make me have these anxiety attacks. and ive said before i was so upset about all the little things that i would never get to do again with my dad or see him do or whatever.
i dont understand what i did that was so terrible that i would have to lose my dad. my one most important thing in my life and what kept me going was my dad. he did so much for me and i never really appreciated it. i took things for granted that i shouldnt have. and now that hes not here i want to tell him soo much but i cant. he spoiled me rotten and i got whatever i wanted whenever i wanted no matter what. and now that hes gone i miss it...and i dont mean i miss being spoiled and having everything, i just miss my dad all together. he was such a great person. even though i didnt agree with some of the things he did, none of that matters. nothing even matters to me anymore..at all. if u havent noticed lately.. i dont give a fuck about anything..and thats really bad. all i want is my dad back. i would honestly give anything just to see him again, or to be able to hear his voice. i wanna be able to hug him again. when i was sad or upset or pissed off, all i would have to do was go hug my dad cuz when he hugged me everything got better and i felt like nothing in the world could bring me down or hurt me because i had my dad. and now i dont have him n e more. i have no one to hug me like that and make me feel the way he did. all i want is for someone to hug me like that. i would give anything to feel that way again. i was soo happy to actually have a good relationship with my dad because alot people dont have that. i felt very lucky and proud that he was my dad ..and now as im writing this i wish so badly that i would of told him everything im writing about.
this is unbearable i really do not know what to do with myself. i dont wanna drink n e more, i dont wanna go to school, i dont wanna hangout w/ my friends, i dont wanna get a job, i dont wanna do shit. i dont fucking care. i wish i could just stay in bed all day n all night n not come out of my room. even though i may seem like a happy go lucky person im definately not. im a good ass liar and i know how to put on a show...and all u fools cant see that. and what kills me the most is i have friends who say theyre there for me and if i wanna talk theyre here for me and all that bullshit...but when im up in the middle of the night bawling my eyes out (like i am right now) i have no one. everytime i hint about me wanting to talk about my dad or when i actually do its always the same "im sorry" or "i dont know what to say" or "its gonna be okay" FUCK YOU ITS NOT GONNA BE OKAY!!! IM NOT OKAY..NOT EVEN THE LEAST BIT. i am so fucking pissed off its insane. im pissed because no one understands what i am going through, and even tho what u say wont make me feel better at all, its the fact that youre at least trying to and not giving me bullshit like that that you even know isnt true. its gonna be okay my ass...the only way ill be okay is i fuckin drop dread. cuz at least then theres some shred of hope that ill be happy. but until then i dont know what to do with myself. this person that ive become definately isnt me. i have lost hope and spirit and im just dead inside. there isnt anyway that the girl i once was is ever going to come back..because for that to happen i need my dad. its been 3 months since he died and it still feels like it happend yesterday. i remember the day it happend perfectly. my heart was taken away from me that day. for sure. that is one moment i will never forget as long as i live. it was so terrible i cant even put it into words how it felt to hear that youre one and only dad was gone forever. it hurts so bad to even think back about that day...it was absolutely heartbreaking and i have never felt that much pain n agony in my entire life. right after she told me i heard someone screaming 'no' and 'oh my god dad' like 50 million times; and it was me. i didnt even know what i was doing or what i was saying. it was chaos. and that moment right there is when i lost everything and i will never forget that. i lost everything already and im only 16. isnt that just great?
my uncle showed me a letter that my dad wrote to him a few weeks before he died. he was telling my uncle all about how i moved in with him then it said " i dont know what i would do if danielle wasnt here. i am so glad shes with me and she takes real good care of me". it was so sweet i started crying. then the day of the funeral i was a wreck and my aunt came up to me and she told me that when she went to go see my dad in the hospital that he had a little teddy bear hugging two pictures of me. and my aunt said he pointed to the pictures and he goes "see her? thats my heart right there" omg that made me cry even worse...i wish he would of told me that so i wouldnt have to sit here and wallow in self pity and regret never telling him this stuff im talking about right now. but yea i gotta go i cant talk about this no more i cant even see the screen
RIP
David Brian Dunlap
November 7, 1960 - January 31, 2004
*i miss you so much u have no idea. there isnt one minute of the day where im not thinking about you. i will never stop missing you. you were the greatest dad ever and i was very lucky to have you as my dad. no one will ever take your place. there isnt one person in this world that compares to you. i know for a fact you wouldnt want me to lose myself like this but i cant help it. if you were here i know you would be yelling at me and telling me to get my shit straight, but i cant do that because i DONT have you here. if u only knew how much i love you and i want you back with me....
but i know youre in a better place now. youre with god. and jackie. and your mom. im happy that youre not in pain anymore and your body isnt dragging you down. i cannot wait for the day when we can be together again. *i love you dad*
*What is it all, when all is told
This constant striving for fame and gold,
The fleeting joys,the bitter tears,
We are only here for a few short years,
Nothing in our own but the silent past,
Loving or hating, nothing can last.
What is it all, but a passing through,
A cross for me and a cross for you.
Our burden seems heavy,
while others' seem light.
But God in the end, makes all things right.
He tempers the wind with such loving care,
He knows the burdens each can bear,
Then he changes life's gray into heavenly gold,
That is all, when all is told.*
i dont understand what i did that was so terrible that i would have to lose my dad. my one most important thing in my life and what kept me going was my dad. he did so much for me and i never really appreciated it. i took things for granted that i shouldnt have. and now that hes not here i want to tell him soo much but i cant. he spoiled me rotten and i got whatever i wanted whenever i wanted no matter what. and now that hes gone i miss it...and i dont mean i miss being spoiled and having everything, i just miss my dad all together. he was such a great person. even though i didnt agree with some of the things he did, none of that matters. nothing even matters to me anymore..at all. if u havent noticed lately.. i dont give a fuck about anything..and thats really bad. all i want is my dad back. i would honestly give anything just to see him again, or to be able to hear his voice. i wanna be able to hug him again. when i was sad or upset or pissed off, all i would have to do was go hug my dad cuz when he hugged me everything got better and i felt like nothing in the world could bring me down or hurt me because i had my dad. and now i dont have him n e more. i have no one to hug me like that and make me feel the way he did. all i want is for someone to hug me like that. i would give anything to feel that way again. i was soo happy to actually have a good relationship with my dad because alot people dont have that. i felt very lucky and proud that he was my dad ..and now as im writing this i wish so badly that i would of told him everything im writing about.
this is unbearable i really do not know what to do with myself. i dont wanna drink n e more, i dont wanna go to school, i dont wanna hangout w/ my friends, i dont wanna get a job, i dont wanna do shit. i dont fucking care. i wish i could just stay in bed all day n all night n not come out of my room. even though i may seem like a happy go lucky person im definately not. im a good ass liar and i know how to put on a show...and all u fools cant see that. and what kills me the most is i have friends who say theyre there for me and if i wanna talk theyre here for me and all that bullshit...but when im up in the middle of the night bawling my eyes out (like i am right now) i have no one. everytime i hint about me wanting to talk about my dad or when i actually do its always the same "im sorry" or "i dont know what to say" or "its gonna be okay" FUCK YOU ITS NOT GONNA BE OKAY!!! IM NOT OKAY..NOT EVEN THE LEAST BIT. i am so fucking pissed off its insane. im pissed because no one understands what i am going through, and even tho what u say wont make me feel better at all, its the fact that youre at least trying to and not giving me bullshit like that that you even know isnt true. its gonna be okay my ass...the only way ill be okay is i fuckin drop dread. cuz at least then theres some shred of hope that ill be happy. but until then i dont know what to do with myself. this person that ive become definately isnt me. i have lost hope and spirit and im just dead inside. there isnt anyway that the girl i once was is ever going to come back..because for that to happen i need my dad. its been 3 months since he died and it still feels like it happend yesterday. i remember the day it happend perfectly. my heart was taken away from me that day. for sure. that is one moment i will never forget as long as i live. it was so terrible i cant even put it into words how it felt to hear that youre one and only dad was gone forever. it hurts so bad to even think back about that day...it was absolutely heartbreaking and i have never felt that much pain n agony in my entire life. right after she told me i heard someone screaming 'no' and 'oh my god dad' like 50 million times; and it was me. i didnt even know what i was doing or what i was saying. it was chaos. and that moment right there is when i lost everything and i will never forget that. i lost everything already and im only 16. isnt that just great?
my uncle showed me a letter that my dad wrote to him a few weeks before he died. he was telling my uncle all about how i moved in with him then it said " i dont know what i would do if danielle wasnt here. i am so glad shes with me and she takes real good care of me". it was so sweet i started crying. then the day of the funeral i was a wreck and my aunt came up to me and she told me that when she went to go see my dad in the hospital that he had a little teddy bear hugging two pictures of me. and my aunt said he pointed to the pictures and he goes "see her? thats my heart right there" omg that made me cry even worse...i wish he would of told me that so i wouldnt have to sit here and wallow in self pity and regret never telling him this stuff im talking about right now. but yea i gotta go i cant talk about this no more i cant even see the screen
RIP
David Brian Dunlap
November 7, 1960 - January 31, 2004
*i miss you so much u have no idea. there isnt one minute of the day where im not thinking about you. i will never stop missing you. you were the greatest dad ever and i was very lucky to have you as my dad. no one will ever take your place. there isnt one person in this world that compares to you. i know for a fact you wouldnt want me to lose myself like this but i cant help it. if you were here i know you would be yelling at me and telling me to get my shit straight, but i cant do that because i DONT have you here. if u only knew how much i love you and i want you back with me....
but i know youre in a better place now. youre with god. and jackie. and your mom. im happy that youre not in pain anymore and your body isnt dragging you down. i cannot wait for the day when we can be together again. *i love you dad*
*What is it all, when all is told
This constant striving for fame and gold,
The fleeting joys,the bitter tears,
We are only here for a few short years,
Nothing in our own but the silent past,
Loving or hating, nothing can last.
What is it all, but a passing through,
A cross for me and a cross for you.
Our burden seems heavy,
while others' seem light.
But God in the end, makes all things right.
He tempers the wind with such loving care,
He knows the burdens each can bear,
Then he changes life's gray into heavenly gold,
That is all, when all is told.*