"i just dont want to be alone."
"cant find a good reason. cant find hope to believe in."
I feel better. I didnt want to go to school today though. So I just stayed home. I should be starting homeschool soon. Probably next week. I have to talk to Linda at work about getting some daytime hours. I dont know if I'm excited or sad about it. I dont want to leave Kayla, but I cant do shit in school. Too many distractions. I just dont want to lose touch with my one friend that I can rely on that goes to school. Thats mainly what I'm scared of. I'll get to talk to Courtney a hell of alot more. That will be good. I havent started homeschool yet cause I didnt want to leave Kayla. Hey Kayla, get into homeschool. It's the cool thing to do. lol.
Yesterday I almost did something extremely bad. While I was still "friends" with Stefanie I asked her to get me some pills. I'm glad I didnt go through with it. I dont want to end up like her and go into rehab, come out and go right back to something that ruined my life. I just felt like I needed to get away. That doesnt need to happen anymore. I felt so stupid for asking later on. I shouldnt do pills to make me feel better. I need to do that on my own. Be strong and deal with my problems.
I need to hang out with someone. I need a friend. I just dont want to be alone. Amanda? Kayleigh? Anyone. Maybe both. If I dont go to school tomorrow I'll ask if you guys can come over or something. SO DONT MAKE PLANS!!!
I saw CJ Biddle yesterday at work. He looks terrible. He used to be so hot and now he's just skinny as hell. He had huge dark circles under his eyes and his clothes were like 10 times too big for him. He's like on heroin or something. I was talking to someone the other day and they said awhile back when I was big on drugs I looked like that. I was such a dumbass. Awhile back Kevin told me the same thing. Another person told me that they used to be able to wrap their hands around my arm like twice cause I was so bad. I hate that. I was talking to Micheal Hatton and he told me one day I came into Geometry class and kept telling him that I had the whole concept of love figured out and that he couldnt understand a word that I said cause I was so high. What the hell. What the hell was wrong with me?
Josh and I are doing very well. He kind of disappointed me last night though. He told me he would come over but didnt show up. It hurt my feelings but I'm sure theres a reason. I just dont want to get mad over things like that. I remember I used to do it to Nelson. Thats mainly what ruined our relationship. Except for the fact that he lied to me about everything. I got mad over little things. I would get mad at him if he was 5 minutes late getting to my house and I would bitch at him all night about it. I've come to realize you cant let little things like that make you mad. It ruins everything. And I'm sure theres a reason why he couldnt come. Since his car doesnt have insurance, he probably couldnt get a ride. I dont know...I'm rambling.
But back to the point. He's the sweetest guy, EVER! The other night, we were lying in my room and he kept smiling at me. I asked him why he was smiling and he said "cause maybe I'm happy." I said "why are you happy?" He said "Cause I have you." And about a week ago I asked him a question and his reply was that he didnt care. I said "you dont care about anything do you?" He said "I care about you." He just constantly makes my heart melt. He always says that he's scared I'm going to leave him for Nelson and all this other shit. I dont know. He's such a different person. And I love it. We have so much fun together and we can never keep our hands off each other. *sigh* I dont know.
I feel better. I didnt want to go to school today though. So I just stayed home. I should be starting homeschool soon. Probably next week. I have to talk to Linda at work about getting some daytime hours. I dont know if I'm excited or sad about it. I dont want to leave Kayla, but I cant do shit in school. Too many distractions. I just dont want to lose touch with my one friend that I can rely on that goes to school. Thats mainly what I'm scared of. I'll get to talk to Courtney a hell of alot more. That will be good. I havent started homeschool yet cause I didnt want to leave Kayla. Hey Kayla, get into homeschool. It's the cool thing to do. lol.
Yesterday I almost did something extremely bad. While I was still "friends" with Stefanie I asked her to get me some pills. I'm glad I didnt go through with it. I dont want to end up like her and go into rehab, come out and go right back to something that ruined my life. I just felt like I needed to get away. That doesnt need to happen anymore. I felt so stupid for asking later on. I shouldnt do pills to make me feel better. I need to do that on my own. Be strong and deal with my problems.
I need to hang out with someone. I need a friend. I just dont want to be alone. Amanda? Kayleigh? Anyone. Maybe both. If I dont go to school tomorrow I'll ask if you guys can come over or something. SO DONT MAKE PLANS!!!
I saw CJ Biddle yesterday at work. He looks terrible. He used to be so hot and now he's just skinny as hell. He had huge dark circles under his eyes and his clothes were like 10 times too big for him. He's like on heroin or something. I was talking to someone the other day and they said awhile back when I was big on drugs I looked like that. I was such a dumbass. Awhile back Kevin told me the same thing. Another person told me that they used to be able to wrap their hands around my arm like twice cause I was so bad. I hate that. I was talking to Micheal Hatton and he told me one day I came into Geometry class and kept telling him that I had the whole concept of love figured out and that he couldnt understand a word that I said cause I was so high. What the hell. What the hell was wrong with me?
Josh and I are doing very well. He kind of disappointed me last night though. He told me he would come over but didnt show up. It hurt my feelings but I'm sure theres a reason. I just dont want to get mad over things like that. I remember I used to do it to Nelson. Thats mainly what ruined our relationship. Except for the fact that he lied to me about everything. I got mad over little things. I would get mad at him if he was 5 minutes late getting to my house and I would bitch at him all night about it. I've come to realize you cant let little things like that make you mad. It ruins everything. And I'm sure theres a reason why he couldnt come. Since his car doesnt have insurance, he probably couldnt get a ride. I dont know...I'm rambling.
But back to the point. He's the sweetest guy, EVER! The other night, we were lying in my room and he kept smiling at me. I asked him why he was smiling and he said "cause maybe I'm happy." I said "why are you happy?" He said "Cause I have you." And about a week ago I asked him a question and his reply was that he didnt care. I said "you dont care about anything do you?" He said "I care about you." He just constantly makes my heart melt. He always says that he's scared I'm going to leave him for Nelson and all this other shit. I dont know. He's such a different person. And I love it. We have so much fun together and we can never keep our hands off each other. *sigh* I dont know.