Feb 06, 2006 16:03
I don't understand the human mind. It is something that intrigues me. The complexity of it is amazing. Maybe my own is the only one I don't understand. Maybe I understand it but really wish not to. I just don't see why I make some decisions I do when they go against everything I've worked so hard to overcome. I constantly excoriated the very subject of it. I had a problem, I fixed it. Logical. I was happier with myself, thus proving my decision wasn't in vain. So then I proceed to change that and make a bad decision, making myself and the two people who mean anything to me upset. Tarah you are one of the two. Temptation is hard to resist but I thought I was better than that. I can't comprehend what it is that gets me every time. Everyone will wonder what this is about, although it should be obvious. Either way, I am from here on avoiding the "party scene" with even more circumspection than I was before since I am obviously not a big enough person to do what I know is right. Maybe I just consciously make the wrong decisions when it is left up to my discretion to do so because I enjoy the repercussions of my choices. Maybe I am taking everything too seriously and need to "lighten up", but frankly, I'd rather grow up & my behavior is observable proof of how I am a walking contradiction. I have struggled with trust issues my entire life after continuous times of being let down. They have followed me into every relationship I've ever been a part of and delay progress I know we could be making. Maybe I need to trust myself fully before I can trust anyone else. And this is not in terms of faithfulness whatsoever. It's commitment to the cause. It's stability and it's constancy. I need to let myself believe that some things are forever and you will always be here. You say it with conviction I just need to get it through my head. It's like the synapse fires and the neurons are active but past experiences are forcing a wall to send them right back. How is this entry even about all of this. I guess more things are on my mind then I let on. Of course ask any of my "friends" whats on my mind or even my interests and they couldn't tell you. (None of this "friend" business applies to Tarah because she is a real friend.) Maybe we've grown apart because of a change in them or a change in me; either way we've all grown apart. No, "we all" haven't, I have grown away from them. It appears that way. Maybe there is just a limit of how long you can go on lying to yourself about who you are and what you are about. Ending abruptly seems fit here considering the length of this entry.