(no subject)
humm ;; i haven't updated in forever & one half day, shit, i don't even know where to start...
- well as of right now, i dunno how things are going right now.. but i love my friends.. they make me laugh & make me feel better - lol.. but as of me & him [[ most ppl know who "him" is ]] i really dunno about us now, we've both changed so much ; & it makes me sad, cause nearly a year ago we were so in love & we grew in love & learned each other so well ;; i know him better than most, i know what pisses him off .. makes him sad ; happy.. i know him very well, maybe we juss can't be together anymore, & i'm accepting that very well ; our love juss isn't as strong as it used to be, & i'm juss tired of a lot of "problems" in our relationship.. & i juss piss him off to much, & i know i do this, & i really don't even try.. i juss have my ways of pissing him off, which he knows how to piss me off too, i juss don't let it get to me as much as he lets it get to him.. i really dunno whats going on.. but i actually told him how i really feel about somethings.. EVERYONE .. even his friends.. tell me how he treats me like shit & i juss let him run over me & use him & how i deseve so much better.. & actually i don't realize that.. i don't see it.. but everyone else sees it.. maybe i'm juss so use to it i don't even notice???? , & i guess the other nite i did make a scene & took things a lidl to far, but i had every reason to.. he says i'm pushy.. i kinda don't understand that.. i'm with him how i've always been, & he says i try to show him off. why the hell would i do that, we've been together so long, why would i have to show him off i really don't understand... but i'm tryin' to make this work, cause i love him ... & care more than most, & he knows that & he'd be loosing a lot.. if he lost me for good... but i dunno, i'm not sure what i want.. but i'm not pushin' him anymore..... i'm juss gonna wait & see what happens... i worry about him too much & i know this, its juss because i care so much;; & i can't say anything mean to him.. cause i've always been afraid of hurting his feelings.. but he isn't afraid to hurt mine , so why the hell should i be concerned about fuckin' his.. i dunno.... i'm juss not as worried about it as i used to be.....i don't cry like i used to..... sometimes i wonder why we even bother with it?... i guess i juss love him too much to let him go.... nathaniel told me i'm the only one thats ever mattered...i dunno? i used to matter...
& i don't want pity for this.. its my own problem <3
- well as of right now, i dunno how things are going right now.. but i love my friends.. they make me laugh & make me feel better - lol.. but as of me & him [[ most ppl know who "him" is ]] i really dunno about us now, we've both changed so much ; & it makes me sad, cause nearly a year ago we were so in love & we grew in love & learned each other so well ;; i know him better than most, i know what pisses him off .. makes him sad ; happy.. i know him very well, maybe we juss can't be together anymore, & i'm accepting that very well ; our love juss isn't as strong as it used to be, & i'm juss tired of a lot of "problems" in our relationship.. & i juss piss him off to much, & i know i do this, & i really don't even try.. i juss have my ways of pissing him off, which he knows how to piss me off too, i juss don't let it get to me as much as he lets it get to him.. i really dunno whats going on.. but i actually told him how i really feel about somethings.. EVERYONE .. even his friends.. tell me how he treats me like shit & i juss let him run over me & use him & how i deseve so much better.. & actually i don't realize that.. i don't see it.. but everyone else sees it.. maybe i'm juss so use to it i don't even notice???? , & i guess the other nite i did make a scene & took things a lidl to far, but i had every reason to.. he says i'm pushy.. i kinda don't understand that.. i'm with him how i've always been, & he says i try to show him off. why the hell would i do that, we've been together so long, why would i have to show him off i really don't understand... but i'm tryin' to make this work, cause i love him ... & care more than most, & he knows that & he'd be loosing a lot.. if he lost me for good... but i dunno, i'm not sure what i want.. but i'm not pushin' him anymore..... i'm juss gonna wait & see what happens... i worry about him too much & i know this, its juss because i care so much;; & i can't say anything mean to him.. cause i've always been afraid of hurting his feelings.. but he isn't afraid to hurt mine , so why the hell should i be concerned about fuckin' his.. i dunno.... i'm juss not as worried about it as i used to be.....i don't cry like i used to..... sometimes i wonder why we even bother with it?... i guess i juss love him too much to let him go.... nathaniel told me i'm the only one thats ever mattered...i dunno? i used to matter...
& i don't want pity for this.. its my own problem <3