(no subject)
so it's about quarter to eleven and i've only completeled one of my homework assignments. i have to pull an all nighter tonight because of my masive amount of homework i have. most of it is from being absent thursday and friday of last week because i had pink eye and then i missed a couple of periods today because of the chorus rehearsal. i'm fully awake though. it's amazing how completely tired i am at school during the day, but once i take my brother's adderoll (or however you spell it - im going to shorten it to aderol) i am totally concentrated on whatever it is im doing..whether im watching a tv show or reading a book or doing homework. it's the only time that i am not only focused on schoolwork, but INTERESTED. and let me tell you, that rarely happens. i want to take aderol on a regular basis due to the huge decrease in my grades and i have tried to explain this to my mom but her response is that i am a typical teenager who needs to focus work on schoolwork and not be so busy socially. I have decided though, that the reason i am not doing well in geography and spanish is because i lack memorization skills. maybe i am using that as an excuse, but fine. it's what it is. that's all that geography and spanish is anyway. i mean, i understand why it works that way and i comprehend how it should be, i just don't memorize it, and then when i go to say something in spanish, it takes me ten minutes to scramble through my brain to remember anything useful. sometimes i think it's because i have too many things on my mind to sort through...when i take aderol my minds going a thousand miles a minute and i am so focused. i wish i could take it all the time. i know it's wrong for me to take my brother's medication, not only wrong but probably unhealthy and dangerous somehow..but it's the only way i stop from being the biggest procrastinator on the planet (besides betsy. i say that because she is a self-proclaimed procrastinator.) maybe the aderol really doesn't do anything for me. maybe it's one of those things where you tell yourself, "okay, i took the medicine, so it's working" but in actuality, nothing has changed. i think i do that with myedol too. like i will tell myself.."kelly, you can't feel like your insides are being stabbed with daggers because you just took myedol" ...if that makes any sense? i just wonder sometimes if medicine really works or it is just a mind game we play with ourselves...in any case, i spent twenty dollars on the smallest bottle of eye droplets for my pink eye...without insurance it was fifty bucks. fucking ridiculous if you ask me. i have been reading "the chosen" for geography extra credit so that i will not have to take it over the summer. for some reason, ever since i have read that book, it has inspired me to read more. not novels or anything, but things that i am interested in...like physcology (once i learn to spell it) and journalism. it feels like i can never get my hands on enough information and i am always wanting more and more..more than i can take in at once. this is going to sound extremely bizarre..but one of the things i am interested in is criminal psycology, in particular...murderers and rapists...the real wacko's. i think my mom thinks that i am going to become a serial killer one day..but it's not that at all...i just find it very interesting. it's the abnormality of these people's minds that is so odd..which makes it interesting. so don't worry..im not going to kill anyone ...or rape anyone (besides johnny depp if i ever meet him). i have just been reading up on that a lot lately and it hasn't bore me yet, so i figure..hey, keep going for it. i guess i have just been pretty stressed out about the whole "college thing". it sounds not very important when i say it like that, and i know that it is important it's just...we are freshmen and already teachers and parents are breathing down our backs to figure out what school we want to go to, what we want to study and major it. i suppose that it is a good thing to start early and get the message across about how important grades and education is..but i feel like it's more of a burden then guidance. i like journalism and psychology a lot but i don't know if i would enjoy career's out of either one of them. i think my ideal job would be to be famous for nothing, like the hiltons, and party all the time, meet a hot, sickly wealthy man..get married and never have to do jack shit. but that is NEVER going to happen. does the future scare anyone else as much as me? i am afraid of so many things..sometimes i think something is wrong with me for worrying so much. i worry about being raped, hurt, murdered, lonely, poor...all of that. but at the same time, i guess that is what makes life so exciting..taking chances and not being afraid..knowing that all those horrible things can happen. i always think about "the future" and where i'll be in five years from now...where i will be living, who will be there with me and what i will be doing. whether i will be happy, grateful...i don't know. i think i think too much. you see..i'm thinking about thinking too much. i also think i am going crazy. maybe i should stop taking my brother's medications. i'm going to go start my homework...i mean, it is eleven. and i do have to start getting ready for school in six hours because i have to give a book talk on that book for xtra credit so i don't have to take summer school.
one final note: I AM SEEING ALL SHOOK UP ON SATURDAY FOR THE SECOND TIME AND I COULD NOT BE MORE FUCKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM IN LOVE WITH CHEYENNE JACKSON...EVEN THOUGH LAUREN MAKES FUN OF ME EVERY DAY FOR BEING IN LOVE WITH A THEATRE ACTOR. but you know what? they have soooo much more talent then screen actors. doing scene over scene and take after take of just talking is NOT acting...call it what you want. but going out there LIVE in front of a LIVE audience with singing and dancing and knowing that a mistake is an always present possiblity..that is what takes courage and talent. anyone can be a movie star. shirley temple could do it when she was three.
jason david told me today that he liked dashboard confessional...i thought it was the cutest thing. and also..this ben kid , i duno his last name, but he has napoleon dynamite's hair...well, me, him and nicole bigol went to the library today and he kept saying "yes mam" to the library lady. i thought that was real cute too. i know i am the biggest dork for having those little things make me happy but they do. i get excited over the littlest things...like, when a really good song comes on the radio..you would think that someone gave me a hundred dollar bill..i dont know..i just get excited over little things. but i guess that's a lot better than having to wait for something really big to happen to get excited. maybe i am just easily amused. but if i was easily amused then i wouldn't get bored with school so easily..right? but that's different.
chorus concert is tomorrow. i stand next to bria and above hannah. i think i sing about, oh maybe, a minute the whole time im on stage...the rest of the time i am cracking up from bria. i love that girl..she is truly one of the few people who make me laugh over nothing. she has really changed and i love her for it. i mean, i still loved her last year but i am happy for her that she is happy. i am really glad that she is able to be light hearted about things and that she knows now that it's so much better to be able to laugh at things and to see the positives. i'm glad she doesn't worry so much or think about the bad things going on in her life, or let it get in the way of her mood. maybe i'm totally wrong about all of that..but, that's just the way she has come across lately.
i have been at a ten on the excitement/happiness scale all day. why? i couldn't tell you.
oh yah...i have been dying. last monday, my lovely english teacher, ms jones, said to me "kelly, do you have pink eye" i said "NO! ms jones..you a crazy woman" but i will have you know...my eye got pinker and pinker as the week progressed and thursday and friday i was at home. i got glasses and wore them all weekend so that my contact wouldn't hold the pink eye in..then. on friday i think, i broke out into a rash...i didn't know why..i thought it was from lotion or something. but it kept spreading and getting redder. i found out today (with the help from bria) that it was from my new perfume i got for xmas. which FUCKING SUCKS cus it smells reallyyyyy good. and then, sunday night, i was at my dads and i went into the bathroom to blowdry my hair, and the blowdryer was sitting on the counter and the plug was on the floor and i took a step to reach for something and i stepped onto the plug..and i do not mean i little tap on the foot...i completley stepped on it and those two little metal bars went INTO my foot and it was gushing blood and there were holes in my foot from it and i was dying. and my dad had absolutely no sympathy for me whatsoever and he wouldn't take me to the hospital and he told me to "tough it out" so i hopped on one foot for the rest of the night and was being totally dramatic and damanding that he take me to the ER in the morning because i was convinced i would need crutches. but then in the morning, some miracle happened and i could walk..but it still hurt really bad. so then, the man i am in love with (cheyenne jackson) was supposed to sing the national anthem at the bulls game monday night..so i was all ready and sitting in front of the tv..ready to press record when that music started in the opening of the game..the dun dun dun, dun dun dun..LETS GET READY TO RUUMMBLLLLEE. and those bastards didn't show him sing it on tv...it never occured to me that they usually don't show the nation anthem for regular games. i was just so excited about cheyenne singing that i forgot. anyways..i was totally pissed. but whatever...i'm seeing him saturday and hopefully will get to meet him and take pictures and get autographs and all that shit. so ...my week was starting out pretty shit-ish. but now..it's getting better.
damn i talk a lot when i take aderol.
one final note: I AM SEEING ALL SHOOK UP ON SATURDAY FOR THE SECOND TIME AND I COULD NOT BE MORE FUCKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM IN LOVE WITH CHEYENNE JACKSON...EVEN THOUGH LAUREN MAKES FUN OF ME EVERY DAY FOR BEING IN LOVE WITH A THEATRE ACTOR. but you know what? they have soooo much more talent then screen actors. doing scene over scene and take after take of just talking is NOT acting...call it what you want. but going out there LIVE in front of a LIVE audience with singing and dancing and knowing that a mistake is an always present possiblity..that is what takes courage and talent. anyone can be a movie star. shirley temple could do it when she was three.
jason david told me today that he liked dashboard confessional...i thought it was the cutest thing. and also..this ben kid , i duno his last name, but he has napoleon dynamite's hair...well, me, him and nicole bigol went to the library today and he kept saying "yes mam" to the library lady. i thought that was real cute too. i know i am the biggest dork for having those little things make me happy but they do. i get excited over the littlest things...like, when a really good song comes on the radio..you would think that someone gave me a hundred dollar bill..i dont know..i just get excited over little things. but i guess that's a lot better than having to wait for something really big to happen to get excited. maybe i am just easily amused. but if i was easily amused then i wouldn't get bored with school so easily..right? but that's different.
chorus concert is tomorrow. i stand next to bria and above hannah. i think i sing about, oh maybe, a minute the whole time im on stage...the rest of the time i am cracking up from bria. i love that girl..she is truly one of the few people who make me laugh over nothing. she has really changed and i love her for it. i mean, i still loved her last year but i am happy for her that she is happy. i am really glad that she is able to be light hearted about things and that she knows now that it's so much better to be able to laugh at things and to see the positives. i'm glad she doesn't worry so much or think about the bad things going on in her life, or let it get in the way of her mood. maybe i'm totally wrong about all of that..but, that's just the way she has come across lately.
i have been at a ten on the excitement/happiness scale all day. why? i couldn't tell you.
oh yah...i have been dying. last monday, my lovely english teacher, ms jones, said to me "kelly, do you have pink eye" i said "NO! ms jones..you a crazy woman" but i will have you know...my eye got pinker and pinker as the week progressed and thursday and friday i was at home. i got glasses and wore them all weekend so that my contact wouldn't hold the pink eye in..then. on friday i think, i broke out into a rash...i didn't know why..i thought it was from lotion or something. but it kept spreading and getting redder. i found out today (with the help from bria) that it was from my new perfume i got for xmas. which FUCKING SUCKS cus it smells reallyyyyy good. and then, sunday night, i was at my dads and i went into the bathroom to blowdry my hair, and the blowdryer was sitting on the counter and the plug was on the floor and i took a step to reach for something and i stepped onto the plug..and i do not mean i little tap on the foot...i completley stepped on it and those two little metal bars went INTO my foot and it was gushing blood and there were holes in my foot from it and i was dying. and my dad had absolutely no sympathy for me whatsoever and he wouldn't take me to the hospital and he told me to "tough it out" so i hopped on one foot for the rest of the night and was being totally dramatic and damanding that he take me to the ER in the morning because i was convinced i would need crutches. but then in the morning, some miracle happened and i could walk..but it still hurt really bad. so then, the man i am in love with (cheyenne jackson) was supposed to sing the national anthem at the bulls game monday night..so i was all ready and sitting in front of the tv..ready to press record when that music started in the opening of the game..the dun dun dun, dun dun dun..LETS GET READY TO RUUMMBLLLLEE. and those bastards didn't show him sing it on tv...it never occured to me that they usually don't show the nation anthem for regular games. i was just so excited about cheyenne singing that i forgot. anyways..i was totally pissed. but whatever...i'm seeing him saturday and hopefully will get to meet him and take pictures and get autographs and all that shit. so ...my week was starting out pretty shit-ish. but now..it's getting better.
damn i talk a lot when i take aderol.