(no subject)
Here we go...
why is it that things are only good for about a week at a time, then life takes a total turn around? well, life doesn't take a turn around, i start looking at everything differently, because i am the most pessimistic person i know, and i fucking hate that. i wish i could be who i want to be. I have this image in my head of who i want to be, but every time i have an opprotunity to be that person, I get pissed off, turn green, grow gigantic muscles and start throwing shit around. and the worst part is, i know people that have the characteristics that i want, and I fucking hate those stupid preppy ass alcholic douchebag sons of bitches. so i guess what i have here is me not being happy with myself as is, as well as hating who i want to be. Where does that leave me? FUCKED. But the receiving end of being fucked, so it hurts.
Another thing, something really has to change. Here's my typical day in a nutshell. I wake up, go to work, work 8 hours being pissed off at absolutley everything possible, putting on a fake smile and fake laugh for my friends that i work with so they don't get pissed off and make it even worse, get off about 15 minutes late, go pick up erin, come to my house, she won't eat, so i go hungry, she sleeps on my bed and i sit around wanting to do something constructive and not wanting to be alone, so i annoy her, i eventually say or do something i regret, feel bad for the rest of the night, go to sleep feeling guilty, wake up and start yesterday all over again. awesome.
i really dont hang out with friends anymore. I dont know why. well, i do, but its dumb. I just can't stand being around negativity all the time. it really doesn't help me. and whenever i am around, i feel like i'm just annoying because i can't control my fucking stupid ass obnoxious behavior which embarrasses me. but once again, that being part of the reason i'm unhappy with myself, but i can't change. but i'm not jesus, so i can't embrace something i hate.
and speaking of Jesus, I have an overly religious sister that thinks i'm suicidal and keeps calling my fucking dad telling him to have me committed. go to hell.
i want to move away. from everything. i want to live in sweden and have long hair, start a band, move back here and be loved. and love myself.
why is it that things are only good for about a week at a time, then life takes a total turn around? well, life doesn't take a turn around, i start looking at everything differently, because i am the most pessimistic person i know, and i fucking hate that. i wish i could be who i want to be. I have this image in my head of who i want to be, but every time i have an opprotunity to be that person, I get pissed off, turn green, grow gigantic muscles and start throwing shit around. and the worst part is, i know people that have the characteristics that i want, and I fucking hate those stupid preppy ass alcholic douchebag sons of bitches. so i guess what i have here is me not being happy with myself as is, as well as hating who i want to be. Where does that leave me? FUCKED. But the receiving end of being fucked, so it hurts.
Another thing, something really has to change. Here's my typical day in a nutshell. I wake up, go to work, work 8 hours being pissed off at absolutley everything possible, putting on a fake smile and fake laugh for my friends that i work with so they don't get pissed off and make it even worse, get off about 15 minutes late, go pick up erin, come to my house, she won't eat, so i go hungry, she sleeps on my bed and i sit around wanting to do something constructive and not wanting to be alone, so i annoy her, i eventually say or do something i regret, feel bad for the rest of the night, go to sleep feeling guilty, wake up and start yesterday all over again. awesome.
i really dont hang out with friends anymore. I dont know why. well, i do, but its dumb. I just can't stand being around negativity all the time. it really doesn't help me. and whenever i am around, i feel like i'm just annoying because i can't control my fucking stupid ass obnoxious behavior which embarrasses me. but once again, that being part of the reason i'm unhappy with myself, but i can't change. but i'm not jesus, so i can't embrace something i hate.
and speaking of Jesus, I have an overly religious sister that thinks i'm suicidal and keeps calling my fucking dad telling him to have me committed. go to hell.
i want to move away. from everything. i want to live in sweden and have long hair, start a band, move back here and be loved. and love myself.