How To Save A Life (s/a)
Title: How To Save A Life
PG
Summary: Brendon needs a New Perspective, not Change
Step one you say we need to talk
Brendon doesn't want to answer the phone. So he doesn't. From his bedroom (which has slowly become his whole world) he listens to his stupid recording, remember when he recorded it. When he was happy. When Ryan was in the kitchen, cooking dinner. Speak of the goddamn devil.
"Hey, it's Ryan." His voice isn't cold, or angry, just detached, almost business like. "Call me back when you get this."
It isn't anything close to his old rambling messages, that always ended with an I Love You, no matter how it was meant. Brendon is glad it isn't like that. It would be too fake. Too heartbreaking to hear that. Those messages were part of a life that doesn't exist anymore. Part of a life filled with the beginning of the band; makeup, and fancy clothes, liking interviews and photoshoots, and finding Jon, and having time to laugh, and no mean words, and Ryan cuddling, and not just him and Spencer, and just happiness. Brendon flips the machine off.
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
"Calm down, Ryan." It's Brendon who's voice is sharp.
Ryan eyes him, but takes a seat at the outdoor cafe. It's been months since he's seen the guy. Touring took him away, but Ryan stayed. It hurts Brendon to see Ryan throwing his life away. Wasting it away, is more like it. Brendon gives him a fake smile.
Smiles politely back at you
Ryan smiles, but he doesn't. It's the smile he gives fans that annoy him. It's the smile that makes him look friendly. His real one makes him look young.
You stare politely right on through
Brendon plays along with the facade, ignoring how fucking fake this all is. A waiter comes, takes their drink orders (a drink Brendon will never touch), and returns quickly. Brendon doesn't remember him coming over in the first place. Everything seems to melt away, now. The past a white blur.
"So whatsup?"
"Jon said you were mad at me." Just like Ryan; straight to the point, eyes pissy, but hurt.
Brendon sighs. Fucking Jon.
"M'not mad at you."
"Spencer said you were."
"I'm not!" Brendon raises his voice, and slams a fist on the table.
Ryan jumps, scowling, and glancing around. Brendon rolls his eyes.
"I'm disappointed that the band is gone. Over. But I'm not mad."
"It's not over. We're still friends. You're still in the band."
"Ryan, that band was us. It wasn't a music-making. . .thing. It was us. You, me, Spencer, and Jon. Now it's A band. It's not The band."
"You'll get used to it."
"If you came here to fucking lecture me."
Some sort of window to your right
That's Brendon's loophole to get out of the conversation. Go back to bed, and sleep.
"It's just a different direction, Brendon. Maybe you guys will get sick of the circus, and then we'll be 'the' band together."
Brendon flinches at the joking tone of the word. Asshole. Ryan knows he hates feeling embarrassed or made fun of.
She goes left and you stay right
Brendon lounges back, watching a family walk by. Knows they don't know how this feels. To have your life split in half. To know it's only because two people--no different than any other people--got bored with the music. Were too scared to stick around; scared that their current band would fade away entirely. So start over, right? Yeah.
Between the lines of fear and blame
"Brendon?"
He looks back into those gold eyes, and they're no longer familiar. They're a strangers eyes, housing secrets, and jokes, and memories that Brendon doesn't share.
"Gotta go, Ry. Stuff to do."
And you begin to wonder why you came
They don't hug goodbye, and it's a first. Too formal. Too incomplete. Brendon wants to just jump Ryan, pull him into a hug, and never let go. But Ryan isn't his anymore. Never was. He was simply someone stopping by. Long enough to call a friend, to fall fucking in love, to miss when he was gone, but that was it. Ryan never belonged to him; he belonged to the ever-changing, blurry, rockstar life.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Ryan coughs. "See you around." He plays with the leather bracelet around his wrist, and Brendon wants to scoff at how fake he is now. Ryan is meant for ruffles, and lace, and shiny shoes. Not headbands, and leather, and flipflops. Brendon feels the words on his tongue, and chokes them back, biting down hard, tasting the metallic liquid bubble up.
Somewhere along in the bitterness
"Bye," Brendon says shortly.
Ryan hesitates.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles.
Brendon grins sarcastically. "Don't be."
"Brendon. Me and you. We're still. . .there. We exist on some level." He grins sadly. "On some plane, what we were is floating around. One day when we've both settled down, found out what we want, it'll come back to us."
And I would have stayed up with you all night
"You and you're metaphors, Ross."
"You know it's true." And this time it's Ryan holding on; grasping blindly for something he lost ages ago.
Brendon gets up in Ryan's face, and he can see the doubt in his eyes. He presses a kiss to the side of his mouth, trailing his lips to whisper in his ear.
"Bye, RyRho."
Had I known how to save a life
***
When Brendon wasn't sleeping, he was wondering what Ryan and Jon did together now. Because that was it. It was BrendonandSpencer and RyanandJon. The fans said it; they said it; Pete said it; the internet said it. Fucking Buzznet said it. Did Ryan look at him with that mischievous grin, and tackle him onto the bed, nipping at his neck? He used to do that to Brendon. Were they fucking? Did they 'love' each other?
Let him know that you know best
Because of course Jon was better. He was smarter, could grow a beard, could play bass like nobody's business, charmed them all, charmed them enough to let Ryan go. Brendon was pushed aside when Jon arrived. And he never stopped wondering, if to them, the whole time, was he just a voice to sing them somewhere?
Cause after all you do know best
The split was necessary. Bullshit. Brendon hated them all for it. Hated Ryan for starting it. Hated Jon for going with him. Hated Spencer the most for letting it happen. Brendon knew if Spencer told them to stop: come back, they would.
Try to slip past his defense, without granting innocence
Brendon tries to keep acting normal, he really does. It's so damn hard. Ryan took all normality away. And Brendon feels so lost without him. They weren't together, god no. But they had something, and without that something, everything is fucked up.
Lay down a list of what is wrong
They had sat down, talked about what had been going wrong for the past months. BrendonandSpencer sat on one side of the table, RyanandJon on the other side. Brendon couldn't look away from Ryan, as he broke up the most important, real thing in Brendon's life. He watched his lips as they formed sentences, stating how unhappy he was. How he hated this band. They brought in Pete later, and Brendon wanted to scream when he saw how it was harder for Ryan to tell Pete what they decided, than to tell Brendon. It only proved how Brendon would never come first to Ryan.
The things you've told him all along
Ryan said he didn't want to be stuck in a band that couldn't move on. That he didn't like their music anymore. He wanted more; a fresh start. Jon just watched them with a bored expression. Brendon couldn't believe he had trusted him. Let him in. Couldn't believe he had loved those two. Let Ryan kiss him.
Pray to God he hears you. And pray to god he hears you
Brendon couldn't disagree, could only nod, smile, nod, smile, nod, smile, nod, smile, die.
Things had changed for him, and it was Not okay.
Spencer seemed sad, but unruffled. He would have Ryan always, no matter what. Spencer would be number one to Ryan, he still had his band, him and Jon, whatever they had, would probably remain, and he still had Brendon. Brendon didn't let himself wonder if maybe it wasn't the band breaking up, but the breaking up of a reason to be with Him.
***
As he begins to raise his voice
"Fucking Christ, Brendon!"
Brendon didn't react, just stared steely ahead, ignoring the fuming Ryan across from him. They were having dinner at some fancy place, trying to catch up on years months of lacking conversation. Or maybe they just felt guilty.
"Ryan," said Jon softly, placing a hand on his arm, and that small gesture sent Brendon deeper into his self-dug grave.
"Brendon," sighed Spencer, sipping his water.
Brendon and Ryan (please note the SPACE) stubbornly dismissed their band members. Brendon glanced over, seeing tears sparkling in Ryan's eyes, and hoped deep down that this was hurting him as much as it hurt Brendon.
You lower yours, grant him one last choice
"Sorry, Ry. I'm just tired."
Ryan didn't believe him, he knew that well enough, but he took a deep breathed, 'smiled', and they returned to their polite acting. When they part, Jon and Spencer hug. Ryan and Spencer hug. Brendon stands away, hugging himself, breathing spiraling into the cold night, and remembers a very different summer night, speeding down an empty road, towards a empty cabin, full of empty ideas, and empty memories. Waiting to be filled, and they filled them. Overfilled maybe.
Drive until you lose the road
They lost the road alright. Lost it along with everything else they ever had.
Or break with the ones you've followed
Brendon misses them both on those days he wakes up on the bus, and he walks into the kitchen. For a second he can see Ryan at the table, sipping his coffee, and his eyes will lift to meet Brendon's, smiling softly. And Jon will be there, leaning into Spencer's side. And then he blinks, and it's Spencer alone, rubbing at his weary eyes. Alone. Only, always, forever alone.
He will do one of two things, he will admit to everything
It was a sticky, summer afternoon, and Brendon and Him were curled up on His porch. They might have been high--Brendon can't remember--but he can remember everything else. Remembers the way Ryan turned to him, didn't speak, just pressed a kiss to his forehead. And Brendon took a leap of faith, and kissed Ryan's lips; just a chaste, quick kiss. But it spoke for years long ago, and years to come. At the time, Brendon thought it brought them closer, but in the long run it only tore them farther apart.
Or he'll say he's just not the same
Brendon didn't like change. New Perspectives were fine. Change sucked. Everyone saw the irony in that. So, of course it was their first song title. Brendon refused to listen to it. He shut himself away for weeks after it was released. He sulked. He cried. He listened to it, and cried some more. He could hear the soft guilt in Ryan's voice, and for the first time since he said it was His fault, Brendon saw a light in the distance. Maybe Ryan really did need to move on. Maybe they would be okay. Maybe in a year or two it would pass. Maybe they never would get back together, but they would be okay.
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Brendon still remembers when Ryan had swore when he heard his voice for the first time. Brendon thought it was mad; that he'd messed up. After a second Ryan had grinned, and declared that Now They Were Going To Get Somewhere. It seemed like a fitting thing to compare this split to. He just needed a New Perspective, not Change.
PG
Summary: Brendon needs a New Perspective, not Change
Step one you say we need to talk
Brendon doesn't want to answer the phone. So he doesn't. From his bedroom (which has slowly become his whole world) he listens to his stupid recording, remember when he recorded it. When he was happy. When Ryan was in the kitchen, cooking dinner. Speak of the goddamn devil.
"Hey, it's Ryan." His voice isn't cold, or angry, just detached, almost business like. "Call me back when you get this."
It isn't anything close to his old rambling messages, that always ended with an I Love You, no matter how it was meant. Brendon is glad it isn't like that. It would be too fake. Too heartbreaking to hear that. Those messages were part of a life that doesn't exist anymore. Part of a life filled with the beginning of the band; makeup, and fancy clothes, liking interviews and photoshoots, and finding Jon, and having time to laugh, and no mean words, and Ryan cuddling, and not just him and Spencer, and just happiness. Brendon flips the machine off.
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
"Calm down, Ryan." It's Brendon who's voice is sharp.
Ryan eyes him, but takes a seat at the outdoor cafe. It's been months since he's seen the guy. Touring took him away, but Ryan stayed. It hurts Brendon to see Ryan throwing his life away. Wasting it away, is more like it. Brendon gives him a fake smile.
Smiles politely back at you
Ryan smiles, but he doesn't. It's the smile he gives fans that annoy him. It's the smile that makes him look friendly. His real one makes him look young.
You stare politely right on through
Brendon plays along with the facade, ignoring how fucking fake this all is. A waiter comes, takes their drink orders (a drink Brendon will never touch), and returns quickly. Brendon doesn't remember him coming over in the first place. Everything seems to melt away, now. The past a white blur.
"So whatsup?"
"Jon said you were mad at me." Just like Ryan; straight to the point, eyes pissy, but hurt.
Brendon sighs. Fucking Jon.
"M'not mad at you."
"Spencer said you were."
"I'm not!" Brendon raises his voice, and slams a fist on the table.
Ryan jumps, scowling, and glancing around. Brendon rolls his eyes.
"I'm disappointed that the band is gone. Over. But I'm not mad."
"It's not over. We're still friends. You're still in the band."
"Ryan, that band was us. It wasn't a music-making. . .thing. It was us. You, me, Spencer, and Jon. Now it's A band. It's not The band."
"You'll get used to it."
"If you came here to fucking lecture me."
Some sort of window to your right
That's Brendon's loophole to get out of the conversation. Go back to bed, and sleep.
"It's just a different direction, Brendon. Maybe you guys will get sick of the circus, and then we'll be 'the' band together."
Brendon flinches at the joking tone of the word. Asshole. Ryan knows he hates feeling embarrassed or made fun of.
She goes left and you stay right
Brendon lounges back, watching a family walk by. Knows they don't know how this feels. To have your life split in half. To know it's only because two people--no different than any other people--got bored with the music. Were too scared to stick around; scared that their current band would fade away entirely. So start over, right? Yeah.
Between the lines of fear and blame
"Brendon?"
He looks back into those gold eyes, and they're no longer familiar. They're a strangers eyes, housing secrets, and jokes, and memories that Brendon doesn't share.
"Gotta go, Ry. Stuff to do."
And you begin to wonder why you came
They don't hug goodbye, and it's a first. Too formal. Too incomplete. Brendon wants to just jump Ryan, pull him into a hug, and never let go. But Ryan isn't his anymore. Never was. He was simply someone stopping by. Long enough to call a friend, to fall fucking in love, to miss when he was gone, but that was it. Ryan never belonged to him; he belonged to the ever-changing, blurry, rockstar life.
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Ryan coughs. "See you around." He plays with the leather bracelet around his wrist, and Brendon wants to scoff at how fake he is now. Ryan is meant for ruffles, and lace, and shiny shoes. Not headbands, and leather, and flipflops. Brendon feels the words on his tongue, and chokes them back, biting down hard, tasting the metallic liquid bubble up.
Somewhere along in the bitterness
"Bye," Brendon says shortly.
Ryan hesitates.
"I'm sorry," he mumbles.
Brendon grins sarcastically. "Don't be."
"Brendon. Me and you. We're still. . .there. We exist on some level." He grins sadly. "On some plane, what we were is floating around. One day when we've both settled down, found out what we want, it'll come back to us."
And I would have stayed up with you all night
"You and you're metaphors, Ross."
"You know it's true." And this time it's Ryan holding on; grasping blindly for something he lost ages ago.
Brendon gets up in Ryan's face, and he can see the doubt in his eyes. He presses a kiss to the side of his mouth, trailing his lips to whisper in his ear.
"Bye, RyRho."
Had I known how to save a life
***
When Brendon wasn't sleeping, he was wondering what Ryan and Jon did together now. Because that was it. It was BrendonandSpencer and RyanandJon. The fans said it; they said it; Pete said it; the internet said it. Fucking Buzznet said it. Did Ryan look at him with that mischievous grin, and tackle him onto the bed, nipping at his neck? He used to do that to Brendon. Were they fucking? Did they 'love' each other?
Let him know that you know best
Because of course Jon was better. He was smarter, could grow a beard, could play bass like nobody's business, charmed them all, charmed them enough to let Ryan go. Brendon was pushed aside when Jon arrived. And he never stopped wondering, if to them, the whole time, was he just a voice to sing them somewhere?
Cause after all you do know best
The split was necessary. Bullshit. Brendon hated them all for it. Hated Ryan for starting it. Hated Jon for going with him. Hated Spencer the most for letting it happen. Brendon knew if Spencer told them to stop: come back, they would.
Try to slip past his defense, without granting innocence
Brendon tries to keep acting normal, he really does. It's so damn hard. Ryan took all normality away. And Brendon feels so lost without him. They weren't together, god no. But they had something, and without that something, everything is fucked up.
Lay down a list of what is wrong
They had sat down, talked about what had been going wrong for the past months. BrendonandSpencer sat on one side of the table, RyanandJon on the other side. Brendon couldn't look away from Ryan, as he broke up the most important, real thing in Brendon's life. He watched his lips as they formed sentences, stating how unhappy he was. How he hated this band. They brought in Pete later, and Brendon wanted to scream when he saw how it was harder for Ryan to tell Pete what they decided, than to tell Brendon. It only proved how Brendon would never come first to Ryan.
The things you've told him all along
Ryan said he didn't want to be stuck in a band that couldn't move on. That he didn't like their music anymore. He wanted more; a fresh start. Jon just watched them with a bored expression. Brendon couldn't believe he had trusted him. Let him in. Couldn't believe he had loved those two. Let Ryan kiss him.
Pray to God he hears you. And pray to god he hears you
Brendon couldn't disagree, could only nod, smile, nod, smile, nod, smile, nod, smile, die.
Things had changed for him, and it was Not okay.
Spencer seemed sad, but unruffled. He would have Ryan always, no matter what. Spencer would be number one to Ryan, he still had his band, him and Jon, whatever they had, would probably remain, and he still had Brendon. Brendon didn't let himself wonder if maybe it wasn't the band breaking up, but the breaking up of a reason to be with Him.
***
As he begins to raise his voice
"Fucking Christ, Brendon!"
Brendon didn't react, just stared steely ahead, ignoring the fuming Ryan across from him. They were having dinner at some fancy place, trying to catch up on years months of lacking conversation. Or maybe they just felt guilty.
"Ryan," said Jon softly, placing a hand on his arm, and that small gesture sent Brendon deeper into his self-dug grave.
"Brendon," sighed Spencer, sipping his water.
Brendon and Ryan (please note the SPACE) stubbornly dismissed their band members. Brendon glanced over, seeing tears sparkling in Ryan's eyes, and hoped deep down that this was hurting him as much as it hurt Brendon.
You lower yours, grant him one last choice
"Sorry, Ry. I'm just tired."
Ryan didn't believe him, he knew that well enough, but he took a deep breathed, 'smiled', and they returned to their polite acting. When they part, Jon and Spencer hug. Ryan and Spencer hug. Brendon stands away, hugging himself, breathing spiraling into the cold night, and remembers a very different summer night, speeding down an empty road, towards a empty cabin, full of empty ideas, and empty memories. Waiting to be filled, and they filled them. Overfilled maybe.
Drive until you lose the road
They lost the road alright. Lost it along with everything else they ever had.
Or break with the ones you've followed
Brendon misses them both on those days he wakes up on the bus, and he walks into the kitchen. For a second he can see Ryan at the table, sipping his coffee, and his eyes will lift to meet Brendon's, smiling softly. And Jon will be there, leaning into Spencer's side. And then he blinks, and it's Spencer alone, rubbing at his weary eyes. Alone. Only, always, forever alone.
He will do one of two things, he will admit to everything
It was a sticky, summer afternoon, and Brendon and Him were curled up on His porch. They might have been high--Brendon can't remember--but he can remember everything else. Remembers the way Ryan turned to him, didn't speak, just pressed a kiss to his forehead. And Brendon took a leap of faith, and kissed Ryan's lips; just a chaste, quick kiss. But it spoke for years long ago, and years to come. At the time, Brendon thought it brought them closer, but in the long run it only tore them farther apart.
Or he'll say he's just not the same
Brendon didn't like change. New Perspectives were fine. Change sucked. Everyone saw the irony in that. So, of course it was their first song title. Brendon refused to listen to it. He shut himself away for weeks after it was released. He sulked. He cried. He listened to it, and cried some more. He could hear the soft guilt in Ryan's voice, and for the first time since he said it was His fault, Brendon saw a light in the distance. Maybe Ryan really did need to move on. Maybe they would be okay. Maybe in a year or two it would pass. Maybe they never would get back together, but they would be okay.
And you'll begin to wonder why you came
Brendon still remembers when Ryan had swore when he heard his voice for the first time. Brendon thought it was mad; that he'd messed up. After a second Ryan had grinned, and declared that Now They Were Going To Get Somewhere. It seemed like a fitting thing to compare this split to. He just needed a New Perspective, not Change.