You Didn't Say Yes, or No, Neither...
You whispered "hurry"...
I can whisper it in the most beautiful ways imaginable, I can change your world with a kiss, but here I am, lost to the winds, left cold and screaming this...
It seems that I went from thinking a million thoughts a moment to not thinking at all. I think about whether or not you think about me at all. Or ever really have. What is a living, walking idea with a beautiful mouth without his audience? Without the ability to feel like I'm worthwile to someone, I feel worthless.
I wonder who even knows me best anymore. It sure isn't me. If you think it's you, you're wrong too.
I wonder why I've spent almost four years of my life hiding from the rest of the world in a haze of marijuana smoke and the illusion of stability. Well, I guess I don't wonder. I know why.
I love you endlessly, and if you think I'm talking about you, you're probably right. And that's another problem. When I love, I love full-force. Heart, body, and mind. And it never seems to go away. Everyone I've loved, I still love just about that much. It just never seems to fade in me. Becca, Sandy, Jenn, Misty. And everyone that had cameos in my heart between them, in whatever quantities and qualities. I still feel just as I did in the past for each of them. It's like my emotions don't refresh. If any of those people just came back into my life, I'd be able to just ease right in, as if we had never separated. I'm not sure how bad of a quality that is, and I'm sure it comes from me only dwelling on the positive and the things I've lost as opposed to anything bad that happened between us, but still. Me and Misty have been split up for probably almost six months now, and I still think about her and Erik daily. She destroyed so much of everything amazing I was as a human being, with the rest being willingly sacrificed for the "good" of our relationship, and I'd jump right back into it, and her, with enthusiasm and just as much love as I had from the beginning. All of the hateful words and actions between us, all the pain on both sides, and it all means nothing to me. She may have been the most damaging relationship I've ever had, yet for some reason, I never even think about all the nagtive. Shit, me and Sandy haven't been close-close since high school, and even SHE still pops into my head nostalgically from time to time. And don't get me started on Becca again. Ha ha. I guess the only person who doesn't have any love left in me is Kaileigh, but that's just because I find her mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically disgusting. In every way.
It makes me think that I've just given so much heart and head space to so many people that I can't care about anyone else. I haven't even THOUGHT about anybody new, let alone tried to spread myself out there. I don't even want it anymore. Like I either want anybody back, or fuck it. Ha ha. It's a pretty weird state for me to be in, but it's just so much work to CARE. And as bad or selfish as it sounds, anyone that's ever been in a relationship knows it. It's hard. Not just the pain at the end, the whole process. And I just don't know anyone that deserves that much effort. I meet a lot of people, and so very few pique my interest for long.
I don't want to just settle. I want someone intelligent, and delicious, and fun-loving, and open-minded, that respects, trusts, and loves me for everything I am. Granted, I've had far better luck with that than I've ever deserved. Most of the girls I've shared a period of my life with, whether it be as lovers or friends, have been amazing people in so many ways. I mean, cream of the crop. Only the absolute best of the misfits. You know who you are. If you were a huge part of my life, it's because you were top-of-the-line. Solid people. And I miss all of you.
Except Kaileigh. You suck. Fuck you.
Hee hee.
-Johnny-
ps: hey, livejournal. Sorry I neglected you. But it's only because you're me, and I've been hiding from myself for too long.
I can whisper it in the most beautiful ways imaginable, I can change your world with a kiss, but here I am, lost to the winds, left cold and screaming this...
It seems that I went from thinking a million thoughts a moment to not thinking at all. I think about whether or not you think about me at all. Or ever really have. What is a living, walking idea with a beautiful mouth without his audience? Without the ability to feel like I'm worthwile to someone, I feel worthless.
I wonder who even knows me best anymore. It sure isn't me. If you think it's you, you're wrong too.
I wonder why I've spent almost four years of my life hiding from the rest of the world in a haze of marijuana smoke and the illusion of stability. Well, I guess I don't wonder. I know why.
I love you endlessly, and if you think I'm talking about you, you're probably right. And that's another problem. When I love, I love full-force. Heart, body, and mind. And it never seems to go away. Everyone I've loved, I still love just about that much. It just never seems to fade in me. Becca, Sandy, Jenn, Misty. And everyone that had cameos in my heart between them, in whatever quantities and qualities. I still feel just as I did in the past for each of them. It's like my emotions don't refresh. If any of those people just came back into my life, I'd be able to just ease right in, as if we had never separated. I'm not sure how bad of a quality that is, and I'm sure it comes from me only dwelling on the positive and the things I've lost as opposed to anything bad that happened between us, but still. Me and Misty have been split up for probably almost six months now, and I still think about her and Erik daily. She destroyed so much of everything amazing I was as a human being, with the rest being willingly sacrificed for the "good" of our relationship, and I'd jump right back into it, and her, with enthusiasm and just as much love as I had from the beginning. All of the hateful words and actions between us, all the pain on both sides, and it all means nothing to me. She may have been the most damaging relationship I've ever had, yet for some reason, I never even think about all the nagtive. Shit, me and Sandy haven't been close-close since high school, and even SHE still pops into my head nostalgically from time to time. And don't get me started on Becca again. Ha ha. I guess the only person who doesn't have any love left in me is Kaileigh, but that's just because I find her mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically disgusting. In every way.
It makes me think that I've just given so much heart and head space to so many people that I can't care about anyone else. I haven't even THOUGHT about anybody new, let alone tried to spread myself out there. I don't even want it anymore. Like I either want anybody back, or fuck it. Ha ha. It's a pretty weird state for me to be in, but it's just so much work to CARE. And as bad or selfish as it sounds, anyone that's ever been in a relationship knows it. It's hard. Not just the pain at the end, the whole process. And I just don't know anyone that deserves that much effort. I meet a lot of people, and so very few pique my interest for long.
I don't want to just settle. I want someone intelligent, and delicious, and fun-loving, and open-minded, that respects, trusts, and loves me for everything I am. Granted, I've had far better luck with that than I've ever deserved. Most of the girls I've shared a period of my life with, whether it be as lovers or friends, have been amazing people in so many ways. I mean, cream of the crop. Only the absolute best of the misfits. You know who you are. If you were a huge part of my life, it's because you were top-of-the-line. Solid people. And I miss all of you.
Except Kaileigh. You suck. Fuck you.
Hee hee.
-Johnny-
ps: hey, livejournal. Sorry I neglected you. But it's only because you're me, and I've been hiding from myself for too long.