this house is haunted...
"This house is haunted, but not in the way that you've always heard it said.
No dusty attic, no razor teeth making camp beneath your bed.
But I've heard them walking late at night, the twins of confusion & regret.
And they share the stories of things that I have done that I'd rather just forget."
Sherwood "Never Ready To Leave"
I know I've said this before, but I'll say it again. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not who I used to be, & I'm certainly not who I've been trying to be. You can fool everyone but yourself. I feel like I've lost a part of myself. What part exactly? I have no idea. Is it that I've lost my edge? Is it the fact that it seems like my "bad reputation" is slowly disappearing? Is it that my slate has been somewhat wiped clean? I know that my mistakes haven't gone anywhere. They still loom over my head, following me around, reminding me of the poor decisions I've made in the past. But the people I have been surrounding myself with lately have encouraged me to just forget everything that I once was. At first I agreed that it was probably the best thing to do -- to just pretend that all of that never happened -- but I can't seem to walk away from my past. It feels like lately I've just been trying to cover up who I really am. It feels like I'm trying to wash my hands clean, but the dirt underneath my nails won't budge. I just keep lying to myself. Does anybody know who I am? I don't even seem to know the answer to that question. The ones that I thought knew me the best are no where to be found. Who am I kidding? I'll never be the clean-cut, goody two shoes, heroine that I've been trying to pass myself off as. I'm trying my best to redeem myself for my past sins, but it feels like the more I try to escape, the more lonely & alienated I feel. I just feel so alone... I feel so alone without you here. Yes, I'm vulnerable. I can't lie -- I miss everything I was, everything we were. Will I ever get that back, or is it too late for me?